Year In Review

2011 was a bit of a roller coaster ride for me. Going into this year, I vowed that it was a time of change, just like everyone on planet earth. I mean, who doesn't make a resolution like...

1) I am going to lose some weight.

2) I am going to eat better.

3) I am going to volunteer. 

4) I am not going to make a resolution this year. 

What was me resolution you ask? Well honestly, I usually tend to go for option number four up there, but this year was different. I had just come out of a very long relationship in which I was engaged at the time, I had a job but didn't like it, and my favorite loan sharks were sending me letters in the mail by the damn truckload. I honestly think there was a man down the street whose job was to come to my door every day and put a letter from Sallie Mae in it. They killed at least three trees for letters just to me by now. But like I said, this year was different for me. I remember exactly where I was and what I thought to myself as Strokey Clark struggled to count down from 10. All I wanted to do was better myself. Better myself not in one specific way, but better myself just some way, period. Not to sound too cocky, but I think I made that happen.

In an overview of sorts, I will give you the who, what, where, why, when, and hows that have happened to me this past year. Trust me people, I gave it a lot of thought. This is what I came up with.

 WHO

First of all, just to cover my own ass, I would like to say if I forget anyone I am very sorry. But I have met a shit ton of people this past year. And not to mention a lot of these people I talk to on a daily basis and love having in my life. If you know nothing about me thus far, know this... I am a genuinely loving person. I love my friends and family in my life and would literally do anything for them. With that said, these are the notable people in my life that I have met this year and in no particular order of course.

-First of all, and probably most importantly, I became an uncle this year. My brother Joel and sister in law Melissa had little baby Tilly. She is literally the cutest thing you could ever imagine. I love her to bits.

-It wan an absolute pleasure meeting all of the people who worked with one of my best friends, Brad Bishop. Especially Phil, Jeff, and Laura. Also through affiliation with Brad, I had the pleasure of meeting Becca who also runs a really girlie, yet wonderfully written blog called My Girlish Whims. Check it out at http://www.mygirlishwhims.blogspot.com/

- I would like to mention who I consider a very good friend of mine now, Gene. I knew you for a while Gene but never really spent time with you. But you are an amazing person, man.

-I met this person through a very good friend of mine, Scott. He started dating an amazing person by the name of Anna. I have literally never ever approved a girl that one of my friends has dated after the first time I met them. This was the first girl. Good choice Scotty boy.

-I would also like to mention something that is sort of the faux pas elephant in the room. Yes, I did in fact join a dating site in 2011. Honestly, everyone does it these days so I don't really get embarrassed by it anymore. But I have met a few really cool girls through the site who I talk to a hell of a lot. I am talking about you Leah and Marie. talking to you guys is literally one of the highlights of my days.

Trust me, there are like 100 more people I could mention in this but those people are the ones I really connected with this past year. Love you guys.

What

This is sort of a broad subject in which I think I have covered pretty well in previous blog posts. But in case you are new to the game here, I will reiterate. I will tell you exactly what I did this year... I went to two awful jobs a lot, went to the gym a lot, ate some food along the way, watched a lot of sports, hung out with some friends, applied for literally hundreds of jobs, and enjoyed every second of it along the way. You know, besides the fact creditors are literally breathing down my neck, life is pretty enjoyable at the moment. I mean, I did some other stuff as well. I started this blog for one. This is something I take great pride in and hope everyone enjoys. I finished writing my first book, It's My Life and I'm Pissed, which is currently in the process of being edited by a good friend of mine, Chris. I started writing for another website called gamesomnia.org as well. Actually, now that I have thought about it and written it down, I started doing something this year that I really had never done before... writing. And damn it, I think I'm pretty good at it.

Like I said, I worked two awful jobs this year. This switchboard job I am always at and a part time job delivering pizza at Papa John's. A job is a job, so they say... but not when people don't tip you for doing your job. I joined a gym and lost 35 pounds thus far. This is probably one of the bigger accomplishments of my current year. It took hard freaking work and I am not done quite yet. Other than those things, everything else is pretty self explanatory.

Where

I didn't get to go to that many places this year, but the places I went to were quality. Probably the highlight trip of the year was my day trip to Detroit to see a Tigers game against the Indians. The park was gorgeous and I have never seen more expensive pizza in such a broken down piece of trash city in my life. Little Ceasars pizza was literally $20 for a large. No wonder no one lives there. You can literally see skyscrapers from the stadium that are abandoned with every window boarded up. Its hilariously depressing. Honestly, every building looks like this.

I also went to a couple museums in Pittsburgh. Namely the Warhol Museum and the Carnegie Natural History and Art museum. I love museums more than a lot of things in life honestly and would love to go and visit more.

I went to quite a few concerts this year as well. I went and saw Bon Jovi, Fitz and the Tantrums, Third Eye Blind, Sara Bareilles, and Tim and Eric. All of these were spectacular by the way.

Other than those things, I guess I could mention some unreal restaurants I went to. Honestly, it is rare to go to an eatery and make an impression with me. Obviously I like food. there is no denying that one. But for a place to make a memorable experience for me. First, I went to a place called Big Jim's in Pittsburgh. It is this little hole in the wall that has unreal wedding soup and a veal parm sandwich that not only is probably one of the best tasting things I have ever had, but literally as big as my head.

I had the best, and biggest fish sandwich I have ever eaten at a place called Roland's in the Strip District in Pittsburgh. I also recommend the lobster roll which I also tried. Also, and this was a big deal to me, I had the absolute best burger I have ever had in my entire life. It was a $16 bacon cheeseburger made from wagyu kobe beef from a place called Burgatory. This place is also located near Pittsburgh.

Now I know none of this really matters, but reminiscing makes me feel good.

Why

Not exactly sure what to put here. Am I supposed to answer why I lived my life in 2011? Because I'm awesome obviously. That's why.

When and How

Once again I am stumped to what exactly I should put here. I slowly came to realize that the last three categories of this blog post are completely irrelevant.

But honestly, I would like to thank everyone and everything that helped me through this wonderful 2011. And to tell you the truth, I really don't have a resolution this year. Well actually.. maybe I should.

"In the new year, I will continue to be pretty awesome. I will continue to go to the gym and lose weight while still scarfing down a crap ton of red meat. I will also try and be nicer to old people... maybe... I also WILL find a full time and well paid job or my life as we know it is over. Thank you and God bless."

Happy New Year everyone! Thanks for reading and I love you all!

The Mysteries of Life #1

It just popped into my head that there are many things in life that are a mystery to me. Now, they may be easily explained with a little research on the interweb. But shit who has time for that? So I came up with a series of blog posts called "The Mysteries of Life". Every once in a while I will post a subject that absolutely baffles me and will discuss it. You get the idea. With that said...

Pecan Pie



I do not understand pecan pie. No I get the concept of it, being all delicious and what not, but I don't understand what that brown goo is that holds everything together. It literally has the consistency of something a little more watery than jell-o yet is solid enough to be cut into slices and not melt into some gelatinous form. I think this answers my question.

It's quite obvious actually. Whoever makes these pies is a magician. I mean, it explains a lot being that I have never ever met anyone who actually makes a pecan pie. I always have to get it somewhere else. And I, in fact, do not know any magicians personally. This is all making sense now.

You know what that brown mystery goo reminds me of? The pink slime in Ghostbusters 2, except brown of course. In fact, I hear if you play some Jackie Wilson for a pecan pie, it apparently dances.

By the way... Merry Christmas everyone!

My Night Before Christmas

Before anyone gets offended by this, you have to understand one thing. We have this awesome light up Santa in our front yard that my Grandma, God rest her soul, won us at a game in Kennywood. Yes, one of our Christmas decorations in our front yard was won at a game of chance at the roller coaster capital of the world. Little shout out to my boy Rick Sebak there. But any who, the people who made this light up figuring were absolute idiots because they painted Santa's face with a flesh tone. Why is this bad you ask? Because it looks like this when it gets dark...

In honor of bi-racial Santa, I re-wrote a new version of Twas the Night Before Christmas that mimics my life. I hope you enjoy my version.

Twas the night before Christmas, and Greg Jackson was at Westmoreland Hospital taking calls from idiotic people.
Not a creature was stirring, except for the old ass people who don’t know how to make outside calls.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with lackluster effort,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would give him that Kindle Fire he wanted.

Later that night, Buddy (my dog) was nestled all snug in my bed,
While visions of Captain Crunch danced in my head.
And mama on her heating pad, and I in my jam jam’s,
Had just settled our brains by taking a melatonin pill from GNC.

When out on the lawn there arose such a bright light,
I sprang from my broken down love seat to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I slowly stumbled,
Tore open the blind and threw up my middle finger

The moon on the breast while it rained for the 19^th straight day

Gave the luster of mid-day to the flooding below.
When, what to my half caring eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and a bi-racial Santa.

With a little old driver, who was white by day and black by night,
I knew in that moment it must be him.
More rapid than the deer run during hunting season they came,
As he whistled, and shouted, and gang signed them by name!

"Yo Dasher! Yo, Dancer! Yo, Prancer and Vixen!
Move that ass, Comet! Shake it fast, Cupid and Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the back porch! To the top of their new gutter!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away y'all!"

As the dry leaves that I was too lazy to rake fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top on the blue shingles they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, St Nicholas, and hopefully a Kindle Fire too.

And then, in an instant, I heard on our roof
The annoying ass noise of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and while Buddy was going insane,
Down the chimney bi-racial Santa came with a thump.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his Nike’s,
And his clothes were all messed up with ashes and soot.
A bundle of gadgets and such he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a bum who stayed at the dirty hotel downtown.

His eyes-how they looked unnatural! His dimples how odd!
His cheeks and his nose were, let’s say, chocolaty!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a… who gives a damn,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow that never comes.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
for Santa apparently has a nicotine addiction.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, as he thought about going on a diet!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old dude,
And I laughed when I saw him eating the sugar free cookies we made!
Sucker I said with a twist of my head,
I then soon realized I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Putting a toothbrush in my stocking, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
I then realized that Santa had more than a nicotine addiction.

He jumped to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a man with a plan.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Here is your Kindle Fire, you son of a bitch!"

The FINAL Shithead of the Week..........

This is a somber day for me. Not going to lie, after having one of the best seasons of fantasy football I have ever had, my team finally let me down. Not only was I the number two seed in the playoffs, I was facing a team whose number one running back was Reggie Bush... Reggie fucking Bush. He also had Mikey Vick and the Eagles defense, so on paper this was a lock victory. Well... I was DEAD WRONG. I lost the game, and my season...not really since I am still playing a consolation game for third place, but that means nothing to me... to a guy with a receiver from the Denver Broncos. Literally all of these things are insulting to me. I lost the game, and my season, 120-100. Everyone on my team, besides ol' reliables Drew Brees and LeSean McCoy, were complete asshats. Michael Turner actually had an alright game with 12 points, but other than him not one person scored more than five points. That, my friends, is the formula for failure. So, as my final instalment of Shithead of the week, I am going to do something a little different this week.

Your week 15 Shithead(s) of the week are... Everyone ever!

Your week 15 hall of champions... Jordy Nelson (2 points), Victor Cruz (4 points), Antonio Brown (5 points), Tony Gonzalez (1 point), Jason Hanson (4 points), and the Steelers Defense (2 points). Wow boys, thanks for the help. Every other damn week you all score 10 or more points but when I need you, natta, nothin, zilch. I stated Reggie Bush's name very angrily earlier and there was meaning behind it. It isn't because he got to have sex with Kim Kardashian. I mean, who hasn't besides me. But because the man had only three, count them three, 100 yard rushing performances in his life,  yet knocks out a 200 yard performance on the game I play him. I swear to GOD it's like these players know something special is going to happen when they are playing me. It is outrageous. Not only that, Mikey boy had the game of his life and the Eagles defense scored an out of this world 20 points. I have literally never seen a defense score 20 points in fantasy football. But like I always say, such is fucking life.
So I leave you, my fantasy football minions, with this little word of advise for next season... Don't play. If you know anything at all about the game of football and it's players, that is the best advice I can give you. It is literally one of the most frustrating things you will ever do. Now with that said, I will totally play next year, and the year after that, and the year after that. One of these times I will win. One day...

Last night...

Last night was epic to say the least. Not only did I hang out with some awesome freaking people, I did something that I have never done before in my life. Let me start off by saying congratulations on a long and dubious career to Dave Hixon who will most likely have a happy retirement playing music constantly. Dave Hixon is Luke's, one of my best friends, father by the way. You see, we were at Mr. Hixon's retirement party at the California gun club. We roll up to the place thinking it is going to be a nice family get together with not many people. You know, nice and quaint. Well my friends, we were DEAD WRONG. Literally hundreds upon hundreds of people were packed into this, how do I say it nicely, typical southwestern Pennsylvania establishment ready for a kick ass party. Let me tell you, that is exactly what it was too. You know the typical kind of party where there is a gun hung with dental floss over the bar, there is a 50/50 raffle, and where you could win a holiday ham for virtually doing nothing at all. Now that is my kind of party.

I don't know if there were that many people there solely because of Mr.Hixon's retirement party or because the legendary classic rock cover band the Jades were playing. I would like to think it was because of reason numero uno, but I am not that gullible. You have to understand, these guys are legendary. They have played gigs in places like the Friendship Lounge and a bar in Rostraver. And not to sell them short, they are actually pretty damn good. Luckily for me, I had my good ol' pal and dancing fiend Scott with me to go up there and dance like complete fools. I actually won a blue ribbon ham for best dancer, or so we joked about. Nothing says good times like friends, cheap beer, a good band, and delicious food.

Mama Hixon made these meatball subs that were honestly to die for. Have you ever had a meal that was unforgettable? This sub was one of those meals. But I will tell you what, I know this is kind of gross but I don't know if it was all of the beer I drank or the meatball subs, but something didn't agree with me. Today, I smell like a dead horse shit itself in a landfill, was covered up with mothballs, and then was taken to a retirement village where it was left for not.... if you know what I'm saying. But that is beside the point.

I am not gonna lie, I drank quite a bit. Yuengling bottles were only $1.25, which is the deal of a lifetime. So I probably had about 8-10... not exactly sure. At one point, it was about 1am and there was still an hour left in the party. I was a bit drunk, but not so much that I was incoherent of my surroundings. In fact I noticed the woman beating the tambourine who was in Luke's kitchen randomly one morning. I walked down the steps in my underwear, not thinking anyone was up at the time. There wasn't... except for this strange woman just strutting around the kitchen. I ran back upstairs and told Luke there was a stranger in his house. You would think with this behavior I was maybe nine years old where in fact it literally happened a year ago today.  I recognized the man that looked exactly like Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers. I even went up to him and did the stupid belt thing that idiot does.

The man obviously looked at me like I was insane. To each his own though, the guy was like 7 feet tall. I also noticed the bitchy bartenders, one of which was trying way to hard to be sexy for her age (at least 45) and the other one who was just a plain douche with two chins.

Like I said before, I was drunk at this point, but not really really drunk. So I go up for another beer. I get up, walk over to the bar, this guy shoots his bar stool back and hits me, I drop my wallet I had in my hands, and because of this, the two bitchy bartenders cut me off. I dropped my wallet and because of this they cut me off! You should have seen my face. Later in the night we referred to it as the "Van Pelt". Not the former Giant Brad Van Pelt of ESPN announcer Scott Van Pelt, but the dude from the classic family film, Jumanji. This is what I honestly looked like... you know, minus the safari hat and outlandish facial hair.  

This is the first time I have ever gotten cut off in my life. And I would understand if I were not coherent, I get that. But because you were bitchy and saw me drop my wallet, I am not allowed to have a good time? I drop my wallet on a regular basis when I don't have an ounce of liquor in me. People must think I'm wasted when I am walking up steps because I trip all the freaking time. Whatever though, I was still with people I love on a special occasion. I'll give my blue ribbon ham to those bitchy bitches at the bar so they can get that unprecedented third chin they have been trying so hard for.

Time Magazine "Person" of the Year

Time magazine has announced their annual "Person of the Year" award today. If you were wondering, they named the "person" of the year as "the protester". Yes, more than one person, not one person in particular, as their singular "Person of the Year".  I have thought this before and I will think it again... Time magazine needs to start naming an actual person their "Person of the Year". I know I know, they have done that the past four years. But that still doesn't account for the fact that they name the person of the year something that is not a singular person, or not even a damn person, on a regular basis. If you look back on the history of their "Person of the Year" issue, an actual person has not been named 13 times out of the 84 issues. That is, for all of you math whizzes out there (math whizzes have surprisingly not been a person of the year before by the way), a whopping 15% of the issues. To me that is a bit outrageous. Even looking at some of them blows my mind, most of which the issues I'm 1982 and 1988. Those were the computer and the endangered earth... You serious? What, are you trying to be deep or something Time magazine? Whatever you are trying to do, it just gets me riled up. But what doesn't really.

For your viewing pleasures, I took the liberty of making the next few "Person of the Year" covers for them.

2012

Dan Fogler

That, my friends, is Dan Fogler. In my opinion one of the funniest people in Hollywood today and, just like Jack Black, pretty much is everything I want to be. If you haven't checked out the show Man Up, you probably should. He is hilarious in it. He will bring joy and laughter to the world while also ending world hunger.

2013

Captain Crunch

Why? Because he makes the best damn cereal ever. That's why. Is there any other reason needed? I didn't think so. 

2014

The Laser Glamour Shot

I think they will make a come back. Hilarious. Not the dude, even though he was obviously a hipster way before anyone else.

2015

Greg Jackson

I will be deserving of it by this time... hopefully. After those four years, who knows how wacky they will wonder off the beaten path. Maybe they will just end with mine. I think it would be a fitting end honestly.

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 14

Instead of the usual junk, I will just say it in a powerful one word sentence. Win. I don't know if there is another word I love more than that. I hate losing at ANYTHING, even something as little fantasy football. This week was the last of the regular season where my team beat Formally Fun 121-79. Another mauling and just another days work bringing my final record to 10-3-1. Next week starts the first round of the playoffs and this is where it gets interesting. Instead of feasting on all of these bad teams every week, I actually have to play the other good teams. Makes me a it nervous. I ended up being the number two seed in the tournament, losing out to space Monkey Mafia, a team I beat a few weeks earlier. I have all the confidence in the world my team will do well in the playoffs.
With that said, this week wasn't even a challenge. Drew Brees, LeSean McCoy, and Antonio Brown all had great games once again and continue to roll with the points. But like any other week, that doesn't mean there wasn't a player on my team who disappointed. With that said...

Introducing your week 14 Shithead of the Week... for an impressive third week in a row, Michael Turner!



I didn't think it was possible, but there was actually a person on my team who won three Shithead awards during my 14 week stint. It is from an unlikely source as well. three weeks ago the Atlanta Falcons had an identity... THEY RAN THE FOOTBALL. Mike Mularkey, the offensive coordinator of the Falcons, all of a sudden thinks that the way to win is to throw the ball 40 times a game. This is why they have lost two of their last five games and are barely in position for a playoff birth. It is either the fact that Mularkey, a former Steeler offensive coordinator, is an idiot or Turner's legs have stopped working. Maybe it is a mixture of both. I put my money on that option. I am going to ask him a question.

Hey Mike, what would you do when facing the Browns defense, probably the worst rushing defense to ever grace the NFL?

Ummm... wrong... dead wrong Mike. Thanks for dressing up though. This wasn't a job interview or anything you doofus.

As for the other Mike, I have not given up hope on you yet my friend. The running game is a lost art and you are one of the best running backs in the league. Plus, I literally don't have a better back up so I have no other choice to believe in you. But like I said, I will go with the first option. But I don't know if its his legs or his pride that hurts.

Jewey Braun

One of the happiest days of my life was this past Saturday. I was sitting there peacefully at a local wrestling show with a couple of buddies where I noticed something spectacular on MLBetraderumors.com. You see, I usually check my sites if I am bored out of my mind, and by this time during the wrestling show, I was. It was just this gigantic man talking about a contract or some stupid shit so I was basically zoned out. I first notice three gigantic letters, PED's. For those of you who are unaware of what those letters stand for, you are in for a real treat. PED's, or performance enhancing drug's , are a HUGE problem in baseball. It rears its ugly head every once in a while when a huge star, such as Manny Ramirez back in 2009, is busted and then the debate starts up again... should there be mandatory testing for PED's in the Major Leagues. In my opinion, absolutely, but the players association will never go for that.

After realizing that someone was busted for steroids, I now was paying attention to who it was. I was thinking, first and foremost, it for sure cant be a player on the Pirates. We would be lucky to see a player on the team hit 20 homers in one season let alone one be taking PED's. That is no knock on the team either. If anything that is a compliment because I honestly think the Pirates are the only team in the league who may not have a player on juice. But again, that is purely opinion. By this time you are probably asking yourself who the player was who was caught. Was it that ass face Jose Bautista? I mean he did go from batting 15 homers a year to, all of a sudden, 54. Was it that fat ass Prince Fielder? No, but it WAS a teammate of his. It was that big nosed no talent ass clown Ryan Braun.

No talent you say? Didn't he just win the MVP award? Why yes he did you observant little bastards. That doesn't dismiss the fact that he was sticking a needle in his ass all the time. With my minimal amount of talent in baseball, I could hit 20 homers on roids. Its a fact. Ask any doctor, expert, or baseball analyst, they will tell you that Greg Jackson would hit 20 homers in the majors on roids.

But who am I to judge? Anything to get a competitive edge I guess. I don't agree with it, and Braun actually said that the positive test was "BS." But dude, tests don't lie. I mean, I don't see you sitting down for breakfast eating a nice poppy seed bagel or two for breakfast. How else would you get a false positive on it? That;s right, he didn't. This is exactly how he got a positive test.



Honestly, I am glad this arrogant bastard got caught. In fact, that just gives the Bucco's a better shot at the division... if they have any chance anyways. No Pujols, potentially no fatty Fielder, and no Braun for 50 games means a bunch of W's for the Bucco's. You know what I am really wondering? How long has this dude been juicing? If I were to guess, I would say ever since...

I just have one more thing to say about this dick getting suspended. Hava Nagila.... that is "let us rejoice" in Hebrew. 

The Gym

I know it may not look like it, but I actually love working out. Ever since joining the gym, oh about three of four months ago, I have lost over 30 pounds. I am really proud of that actually. It took a lot of hard work and determination to pull this off... but not quite as much as some of the other people in there. Yeah, I'm talking about you older dude with the hoody and that gigantic boat of a truck.

I know I have talked about this before on many other different media sources, but it is literally one of my biggest pet peeves. I want to know, Mr. gigantic truck and hoody, exactly why you have to waltz into the gym and start grunting all over the place. I am like, "well maybe he is getting himself pumped up for his workout or something." No, he isn't. He actually gets even LOUDER when he is actually doing the lifting, if it were possible. In fact, I deliberately watched how much he was lifting and it was nearly half the weight I routinely lift... in silence. I'm not even joking people, this gym is a pretty big place. I would say it goes back a good 100 feet or so. But when this guy does absolutely anything in that gym, his voice echos throughout the place like it was a fucking Bigfoot or something. If you have absolutely no idea what I mean, watch at about :35 mark....

Well not EXACTLY like that, but sort of. Literally, it sounds like the guy is about to orgasm when he lifts some weights. It is outlandish. What is even more annoying is that it seems like no matter what damn time I go, he shows up. It's like he is sitting  on 119 scoping out for my normal looking grayish Chevy Cobalt to drive past so he can go to the damn gym and annoy the piss out of me. Seriously, just sitting there in his boat of a damn truck looking for me. This actually wouldn't surprise me. I mean, I am a physical specimen and I would also want to work out with me. Obviously a joke people. I didn't grow up being called Big-O for nothing.

But anyways, this guy expends so much freaking energy on simple tasks such as walking, that I was actually fooled into thinking that people actually cared that he was there. Not one person cares you are there, old man. I am going to walk up to him one day and say... "Look, dude. Knock it off with the stupid fucking noises. No one gives a shit that you are working out. WE ALL ARE WORKING OUT! Just do it quietly so that people don't have to be disgusted with the fact that you are there. Mind other peoples privacy, broseph. By the way, your truck is so fucking big. Is there absolutely anything practical about your life? Because I see nothing. Peace out!" Seriously man... I've said it before and I'll sat it again. I hate (most) people.

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 13

The last game of the week has come and gone, and low and behold, I am in sole possession of first place in my division. Another win for TheGregJacksons, beating Long Hard Wood in a laugher 126-49. I am not even freaking joking when I say I could have won this weeks match up with literally two players, Drew Brees and LeSean McCoy. They scored me a combined 55 points themselves. But whatever, I am used to winning at this point and it is quite obvious who is the best in this fantasy league. Yes, I actually pat myself on the back after I said that.
Now, don't read this as arrogance, people. It is in the numbers. I am now 9-3-1, sole possession of first place, and another cake walk of a game next week for the final week of the regular season in our league. My team is in the driver seat. Not, even though I did score a crap ton of points, that doesn't mean there were not some shitty performances. As in every week before, there is always one person on my team who stands out as the shittiest of them all, and this week is no exception. Therefor...

Your week 13 Shithead of the week is... for a second week in a row, Michael Turner!

Now I know I was not really hard on him last week, but for good reason. This week, I really shouldn't be hard on him either being that he was only given 14 carries in a very very close game. Matt Ryan threw the ball 46 times against a team lead by a third string quarterback. Good game plan Falcons. But seriously, if I were turner i would be demanding the ball at this point. But instead, this is what he was doing.

Helvetica

I watched a very interesting documentary last night about the sans-serif type font called Helvetica.

Yes, I watched an 80 minute movie about a font that most NORMAL people don't even realize is literally all around them. And you know what, in spirit of writing this, I think I will change my font right in the middle of writing. This my friends, is Helvetica. Who knew right? I do now, that's for sure. Now when I say that it is literally all around us, I mean literally all around us. Road signs, companies, this blog... everything. Why is it though? Well, my best advice to you is to go watch the movie. Honestly it was pretty damn good. But it got me thinking about some things. As they go on to explain certain things about why the font is used so much, it made me think of the personal choices I make on certain fonts. Why the hell do I use the default font on this blog? Why in God's name do they only offer eight different types of font on this blog? I mean aren't we supposed to be expressing ourselves?

One of the main reasons I use the default font, which just so happens to be Arial , is because I had no clue that I could even choose on this damn page until, oh, about a minute ago. But even if I did, my brain is so used to teachers and professors beating into my skull to use Times New Roman, that I would have probably chosen that anyway. So to be honest, my sense of font style is a bit lackluster. This actually explains a lot. My sense of ACTUAL style is pretty dull as well. You are looking at the guy that actually wore a plain white t-shirt and jeans every day to school for about three years. It has not really changed much from that either. I would like to think I have grown up a bit in my sense of clothing though. I actually wear color now. But I digress.


Also, they didn't really explain why certain fonts have been created, but I sure as hell would like to find out why Wingdings was created. First off, who the fuck uses it and what the hell is it for. Just to prove a point, I am going to make a simple sentence even a toddler could read.

In Helvetica
The man pet the dog.

See, that wasn't so bad. Let's try it again.

In Wingding

Hell, that even has a period at the end. Apparently, a period is a damn mailbox. I think a future blog in all Wingding is in store. I mean, it only makes sense to do it. It shows style and grace, and that's what I'm all about. Obviously I'm joking... Without looking up the origin of Wingding, I think I know how it came about. I honestly think it was made by some perverted dude who was obsessed with Egyptian culture. I mean, that's what Wingding says to me.

So what have we learned today, kids?


1) I take chances on potentially very boring films.
2) I have no sense of style in just about anything I do.
3) Wingding is baffingly useless.
4) I have waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on my hands. Clap clap.
5) I just referenced Styx for some reason.

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 12

That is right people, another week, another win. This one was a toughie though. I played the actual best record in the league this week, Space Monkey Mafia who was 10-1 at the time but ended up whooping his ass in the end 120-87. The reason I said it was actually a tough win was because of the fact that I was down  by 44 points going into Monday nights game between the Saints and the Giants. Luckily, I had two players left to play in Drew Brees and Victor Cruz. Somehow, both of them had the games of their lives, scoring 44 and 27 points respectfully. The reason I was down so much, however, was because a lot of my team did not do well this week and I had a couple candidates to choose from for the Shithead. I usually go with the lowest point getter on my team but this week it is going to be different. This week, the lowest point man was actually my kicker Jason Hanson because the Lions decided to go for a bunch of two point conversions. But I cant really pick the kicker. Its not like he can help it if he doesn't get any opportunities to kick the ball. So I am going to have to go with someone else...

Your week 12 Shithead of the week will be...

Now I have to come clean a bit here. I did not watch this game... not one minute of it. But this isn't exactly my fault either. It just wasn't televised in our area. But by looking at the stats, they sure didn't try the old ground and pound. The Falcons were literally up 17 points, and yet, they kept throwing the ball almost to a 50-50 clip. Now I know this is the new NFL where apparently you are supposed to throw the ball 85% of the time. But in my opinion, when you have a lead, you should be able to ground it out and eat some clock. The Falcons can and will do that... except for Sunday apparently. But honestly, I have nothing bad to say about Turner. This is the only really bad game he has had for me since I got him in a trade about seven weeks ago. So other than that, your week 12 shithead of the week is Michael Turner. I apparently figured it was way past due for me to be nice about something in my blog.

Racism galore

So, I was at the gym last night and I notice a commercial on the television I have not seen in years. A commercial for the incomparable, the irresistible, the unmistakable Chia pet was being played right before my eyes. It wasn't for the original sheep, pig, or hippo. It was for something very modern and, dare I say, hip. Actually... chia pets will NEVER be hip. But you will see what I am saying. Check out this video!

Are you freaking kidding me? Don't even think for a second that they didn't realize how absurdly racist that is. It makes me burst into laughter even thinking about it. Making a Chia pet of President Obama is like the company saying, "Hey everyone, every black person in the world has hair that looks like..."

I actually hear they might be releasing some other new Chia pets in this new racist series. Here are some of my suggestions.

Flava Flav

Tyler Perry

Eminem

Jay-Z

Al Sharpton

Occupy me a freaking job

Why in the hell is it so hard to find a job that makes a decent amount of money? Hell, if I wanted a job THAT bad I would totally just waltz into a burger joint, tell them my credentials, and I would have an eight hour work day ahead of me. It is actually that simple. But being an educated man, I kind of want more than that. Someone once told me that they actually thought that they wanted a career, but then quickly realized they just wanted a pay check. Well, I actually want a career AND a paycheck. Is that so hard to ask?

You know, I didn't go to college for the hell of it. I went to better myself and because society told me I had to. If I had to do it all again, and I tell this to anyone who asks, I would go to school and learn a trade. I would be almost guaranteed a well paid job and wouldn't owe a quarter of the money I owe in loans. It just makes more sense now adays. But now, all I have to show for my five years of hard work is a couple pieces of paper that look like they were made in freaking Mario Paint. I don't even think people would take me seriously if I showed them one of my degrees.

Obladi Oblada I guess. But what really got me thinking about this... like I don't think about every single day of my life anyways... is what I was discussing with my good friend and confidant Chris. You see, Chris is probably one of my smartest friends. If I have no idea what something is, I ask him, and most of the time he knows what to say. For anyone who actually knows me, they know that I know absolutely nothing about most current events. If you want to talk about something I know literally nothing about, ask me about politics. I find it annoyingly mundane and I don't give a damn about it. But what I do care about is the fact that a bunch of these people are so passionate about something , that they are willing to take massive amounts of pepper spray in their faces. That shit, my friends, is impressive. The only thing I would ever take that much pepper spray in the face for would be if someone offered me a full time job while they did that. Well, that and if it guaranteed the Pirates having a winning season. hell I would do almost anything for those things. If you haven't seen the video, be prepared to get kind of mad about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmJmmnMkuEM

The cop is all like... "You guys are just chilling on the ground? Well, TOUGH LUCK BITCHES!" Then he holds up the pepper spray like its the sword in the fucking stone and proceeds to spray everyone in the face with a painful ass solution for no reason what so ever. What an ass.

But what are they protesting? This whole thing called "Occupy Wall Street". This is exactly what I asked Chris about as well. To me, this was just another one of those protests that people do that really does nothing at all. Just a big waste of time like most protests are. But honestly, this one opened my eyes a little bit. Apparently they are protesting the fact that the country is being run by the wealthiest 1% of the nation is running the country and the other 99% are the people like you and myself, or at least that's how I understand it. Who knew, right?  So yeah, that is pretty uncool. But still, that is all I really know about the situation and to tell you the truth that is all I really WANT to know. I would go protest though. I like me a good protest, unless there was pepper spray there. Fuck that noise. 

But as I thought about it, in retrospect, this is kind of one of the reasons I don't have a full time job yet. I mean, this has to do something with the state of the economy, right? I told you people, I am completely oblivious when it comes to this crap. But all I know is of all the protests that I hope actually work, this is the one. For all the people sitting out there peacefully and getting punched in the face or arrested for no reason at all, keep on fighting the good fight. I know I wont be doing it anytime soon. I mean, I don't even know what the hell you even do in a protest. I've never felt that passionately about something to protest it. What are some things I would protest though? Hmmm...

1)Mustard

2) The Yankees

3) Prince Fielder

4) 4)     The SyFy Channel

5)   The Jersey Shore

All of those things are worth protesting. Every single one of those things have ruined my day on multiple occasions. So suck on that 1%.

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 11

Well, I would like to say another week another victory, but... I actually took a loss this week. Can you even believe it? One of the main reasons why is because I was playing one of the best teams in the league, the Philadelphia ConVICKs. Apparently, everyone on their team had the games of their lives. Some guy named Chris Ogbonnaya literally had 18 points. Who the hell is that? Vincent Jackson, who has a good game every 5, just so happened to decide to show up to work this week as well scoring 22 points. Also, that dick head Rob Gronkowski played a defense in which I myself could roam free in the Chiefs, and scored 22 freaking points. He must have slept with another porn star or something because his spirits were high that day.

I mean, it isn't like my team didn't play well. Half of my damn team were back ups but they all played very well. Alex Smith, my back up QB, scored me 21 points. That is his second highest point total of the season. Jordy, my boy, also had another huge game with 24 points. But yet again, a wide receiver, who had a great week last week, did absolutely nothing for me this week. No not Dwayne Bowe everyone, even though he did only score 8 points.

Your week 11 Shithead of the week is... Denarius Moore!

Not only did he score a whopping 24 points last week and get my hopes up as potentially being Carson Palmer's go to guy, but he then went out this week and shit himself. He caught an impressive one ball for 14 yards this week, literally tearing my heart out in the process. I had to choose between this dude and Victor Cruz of the Giants, and I went with Moore. There was some thinking behind it though. He was playing the Vikings and Cruz was facing the CB's of the Eagles. I was completely wrong. Cruz ended up with 18 points, the points in which would  have won me the game. But woah is me, cant cry over spilled milk.

I have however watched a lot of Raiders games this year. My friend Brad comes over and we always watch the Raiders games. For some reason, they are usually on in this neck of the woods. So, I know how this guys plays. Honestly, I really think the reason he is so inconsistent is... 1) He is a rookie and 2) this is how he tries to catch every single pass thrown his way. Literally, every pass.

Dip shit.

 

Faux Vampires

Now this is something that has bothered not only me for years, but millions of people who are not raging teenage girls. I dated a girl for a very long time who was absolutely enamored in these outlandish vampire books by some idiotic woman named Stephanie Myers. You see, this woman took every single rule in the hundreds upon hundreds of years of vampire folklore and completely made a mockery of it by flipping every single fucking rule and making these monstrous beings look like Liberace. Actually, that might be a bad analogy. Liberace kind of does look like a vampire...

He sparkles too... what a coincidence. Anyways, in 2005 the first of these fuel for a book burning was released. People literally went nuts over this stupid literature (if you want to call it that), almost rivaling the hysteria over Harry Potter. The three other books were released in a matter of three years. How could that have possibly been written well? But whatever. I mean, it was only a matter of damn time before a stupid movie was made from these books. Strike while the iron is hot I guess. So they hire these awful actors who have no personality what so ever to play these one dimensional characters and, just like the bookstores, teenage girls flock to the theaters to give their daddies money away to see a half ass story about love. That's right, there is nothing like the age old tale of a vampire going to high school in the middle of the day and falling in love with a gaped tooth, frowny faced, pail ass girl named Kristen Stewart. Her expression is always one of Mr. Fundamental himself, Tim Duncan of the San Antonio Spurs . Even in real life its like that. Depressing much?

Does anyone actually realize how bad these stories are? To be quite honest, I only have a general idea of what the books are about past the first one, but I think I get the gist. A four year old could understand it. Hell, a four year old can understand how ludicrous it is. When I saw the trailer for the latest monstrosity known as "Breaking Dawn" a while back, I was actually physically upset with what I was seeing. I mean literally, what they made it look like was a bunch of men running around with no shirts on, a depressed woman and a depressed "vampire" getting married and going on a honeymoon, and then a depressed woman getting prego.

The biggest problem I had with the trailer, besides the fact that it was about a twilight book, is the whole pregnancy thing. Let's think about this rationally for a second. If the fact that a woman having sex with a vampire is not ridiculous enough, the fact that it could get a normal human being pregnant is mind boggling. A vampire is DEAD... Honestly, that would be like having sex with a corpse. They don't even have a way of transferring anything into the woman to even conceive a child. Take a look at exhibit A here.

Exhibit A

They are shooting blanks if anything, man. So as you can see, there is no conceivable way of this happening.

What the hell was this Stephanie Meyer lady thinking?  Had she never heard of mythology before? She was just sitting there one day and said to herself...

"I'm gonna write a children's book about things that are sort of like vampires, but not really. Fuck what 100% of the real world thinks what vampires and werewolves are like, I am gonna make my own rules.... Now how can I piss every nerd off... I KNOW! These vampires live in a house in the middle of the woods in a family type setting and they go to school, can walk in the sunlight without burning to a crisp, and they can also have sexual relations. Hmmm, they play baseball as well! That's the ticket! How about werewolves... No, full moons are out. That's too cliche. I know! They just change whenever the hell they want! That's excitement! Man, this is going to catch on like a wildfire."

Pardon my French, but what a fucking idiot. I give her my idiot stamp of approval.

Like I said on my facebook page, I would rather put my balls in a vice than ever watch a Twilight movie. And I actually mean that. I am not even joking, there are two things in a woman that if they have these qualities, I don't even bother. I learned from my last relationship, trust me. Rule number one is if they are a fan of some stupid sports team like they Yankees, Red Sox, Lakers, or Patriots and number two is if they like the Twilight series. To that I say screw em'. Guess this is why I am still single. Literally every girl in the world loves all of those things. That and things like sushi and organic materials. I hate all of those things.

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 10

Chalk another in the win column for Gregory and I am now 7-2-1. My 101-94 victory over a formidable team by the name of Viet-Nnamdi War. I made a trade with this guy earlier in the year that kind, but not really worked out for me. Like an idiot, one of the people I got in the trade was one of the New Orleans Saint receivers who had a really hot start to they year. Now he literally does absolutely nothing. When I say nothing, I mean nothing, nata, zilch. that receiver was Devery Henderson. Luckily, I never have to play the bastard and I also got Michael Turner in the trade as well. But anyways... Like I said another week and another win. But that does not mean there was not a shithead on my team again... and trust me there was.

I would like to commend some of my players on their excellent weeks first though. Shady McCoy had another great week for me and has proven to be a spectacular choice for my number one pick. Drew Brees produced as usual with 24 and Tony Gonzalez also had a big 13. But thank Jesus for Jordy Nelson. I was down by 15 and in the dumps thinking I was getting a loss this week. But Jordy totally redeems my shithead of the week by scoring two touchdowns and getting 18 points for me. So without further ado...

Your week 10 Shithead of the Week is.... For an unprecedented second time this year... DWAYNE BOWE

This guy just keeps letting me down. I know their offense is based off the run, I get that. But you seriously could only score 1 point with 2 catches and 17 yards against the lowly Broncos. For Christ sake, and I definitely meant to use blasphemous terms in this sentence, it's like Tim Tebow is your quarterback. You need to get your head out of your ass and actually get open or something. God I freaking hate Dwayne Bowe. He is on the sideline doing crap like this instead of focusing on what he is payed for.

It's kind of ironic, me saying that. I usually write these while I am, in fact, working. But anyways, I am going to give Mr. Bowe another award this week as well.

I am going to try very hard to trade your ass this week. You are awful.

Board Games into Film... Bad Idea

Hollywood writers are a bunch of idiotic bastards. For those of you who haven't noticed in the past ten years or so, the movie industry has been filled with a bunch or outlandish remakes of movies that were made no more than 20-30 years prior. For example...

Not that I give a damn that it was remade, because I really don't. Just saying that the simple fact is these people aren't even trying anymore. Hell, they literally took the same logo from the original movie and changed the color. Bet those design people are making gobs of money to do shit just like that while real creative people are sitting at home on their hands trying to find a job. Or how about this one...

They literally have remade The Thing  THREE TIMES in a span of the past 60 years. I have only seen the film that was made in 1982, but what could they have possibly done to make this a new and fresh story? I bet they added a sex scene in the 2011 version or something lame like that. It actually makes me upset even talking about it.

Not only are they remaking films over and over again, there are no fresh ideas out there. Where have all the creative minds gone people? It's just recycled junk over and over again. God, if I see another Fast and Furious movie coming out I might stomp into Universal Studios myself and punch Vin Diesel in his annoying face. How many are they on now? 12? Shit, I never thought it would be possible, but they are actually catching up to The Land Before Time in number of sequels. How many flipping times can someone see a Honda Civic with a spoiler drive really fast down the road for 2 hours? But I digress.

If these studios aren't making a remake or recycling the same shit again, they have to reach for something that is familiar to everyone. Something that will please every age group. What could this possibly be? Well, what is one thing that almost every person has done. Oh I know... board games. Yes, you heard me correctly, board games. Studios are actually buying the rights to a bunch of board games and making films about them. In fact, Battleship will be hitting a theater near you very soon. Nothing says excitement like Liam Neeson yelling out B-9 and D-5 for a couple of hours.

Told you so... I wish I were lying. But this is not the only film in the works that was formerly a square piece of cardboard. Let's take a look at a few more shall we.

1. Clue- Clue was already made in 1985 and is actually a pretty funny movie. But yet again with their stupid antics, these schmucks are ruining a good thing and remaking it. No need. 

2. Monopoly-  What could they possibly do with this? Who would they cast as Mr.Monopoly? Sam Elliot would be my best guess. On a personal note, I always wondered what Park Place actually looked like. Seems like a magical place. But I will tell you one thing. If they don't incorporate the get out of jail free card in it, it will go down as possibly one of the worst ideas for a film of all time.

3. Candyland- To be quite honest, this could actually be kind of cool as a movie if it were done right. In my personal opinion, seeing some of those characters in a horror film would be bad ass. But no, it will be some dumb 3-D animated pop up book for 5 year olds and will probably sky rocket into one of the highest grossing movies of all time. Why the hell are all of the Ice Age movies in the top 100 by the way? Just saying. Kids, pfft. Who needs em'.

Those are just some of the ones I have heard about. God only know if they are making any more and in no way shape or form do I want to research it. It makes my brain hurt even thinking about it. But we should have seen this coming. Besides Clue, there was one other motion picture made from a family game. That film was...

Jenga

Too soon? Eh.