Faux Vampires

Now this is something that has bothered not only me for years, but millions of people who are not raging teenage girls. I dated a girl for a very long time who was absolutely enamored in these outlandish vampire books by some idiotic woman named Stephanie Myers. You see, this woman took every single rule in the hundreds upon hundreds of years of vampire folklore and completely made a mockery of it by flipping every single fucking rule and making these monstrous beings look like Liberace. Actually, that might be a bad analogy. Liberace kind of does look like a vampire...

He sparkles too... what a coincidence. Anyways, in 2005 the first of these fuel for a book burning was released. People literally went nuts over this stupid literature (if you want to call it that), almost rivaling the hysteria over Harry Potter. The three other books were released in a matter of three years. How could that have possibly been written well? But whatever. I mean, it was only a matter of damn time before a stupid movie was made from these books. Strike while the iron is hot I guess. So they hire these awful actors who have no personality what so ever to play these one dimensional characters and, just like the bookstores, teenage girls flock to the theaters to give their daddies money away to see a half ass story about love. That's right, there is nothing like the age old tale of a vampire going to high school in the middle of the day and falling in love with a gaped tooth, frowny faced, pail ass girl named Kristen Stewart. Her expression is always one of Mr. Fundamental himself, Tim Duncan of the San Antonio Spurs . Even in real life its like that. Depressing much?

Does anyone actually realize how bad these stories are? To be quite honest, I only have a general idea of what the books are about past the first one, but I think I get the gist. A four year old could understand it. Hell, a four year old can understand how ludicrous it is. When I saw the trailer for the latest monstrosity known as "Breaking Dawn" a while back, I was actually physically upset with what I was seeing. I mean literally, what they made it look like was a bunch of men running around with no shirts on, a depressed woman and a depressed "vampire" getting married and going on a honeymoon, and then a depressed woman getting prego.

The biggest problem I had with the trailer, besides the fact that it was about a twilight book, is the whole pregnancy thing. Let's think about this rationally for a second. If the fact that a woman having sex with a vampire is not ridiculous enough, the fact that it could get a normal human being pregnant is mind boggling. A vampire is DEAD... Honestly, that would be like having sex with a corpse. They don't even have a way of transferring anything into the woman to even conceive a child. Take a look at exhibit A here.

Exhibit A

They are shooting blanks if anything, man. So as you can see, there is no conceivable way of this happening.

What the hell was this Stephanie Meyer lady thinking?  Had she never heard of mythology before? She was just sitting there one day and said to herself...

"I'm gonna write a children's book about things that are sort of like vampires, but not really. Fuck what 100% of the real world thinks what vampires and werewolves are like, I am gonna make my own rules.... Now how can I piss every nerd off... I KNOW! These vampires live in a house in the middle of the woods in a family type setting and they go to school, can walk in the sunlight without burning to a crisp, and they can also have sexual relations. Hmmm, they play baseball as well! That's the ticket! How about werewolves... No, full moons are out. That's too cliche. I know! They just change whenever the hell they want! That's excitement! Man, this is going to catch on like a wildfire."

Pardon my French, but what a fucking idiot. I give her my idiot stamp of approval.

Like I said on my facebook page, I would rather put my balls in a vice than ever watch a Twilight movie. And I actually mean that. I am not even joking, there are two things in a woman that if they have these qualities, I don't even bother. I learned from my last relationship, trust me. Rule number one is if they are a fan of some stupid sports team like they Yankees, Red Sox, Lakers, or Patriots and number two is if they like the Twilight series. To that I say screw em'. Guess this is why I am still single. Literally every girl in the world loves all of those things. That and things like sushi and organic materials. I hate all of those things.