Dead Man's Giant Forehead

Am I the only one who has ever noticed how freaking big the Undertaker's forehead is? No offense or anything but he could legit lease that shit for ad space. Make a couple bucks before your legs go out some more dead man.

By the way... HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!

Snow...

The headline says enough. But read the article. A hot shot new reporter by the name of Greg Scoopson was on the case.

Disgusting Disgusting Fleece

If there was one thing on this earth I literally can't stand the feeling of, that would be fleece. From the stupid freaking blankets you get every Christmas from someone to the lame clothing Old Navy puts out, I can't even express how awful of a feeling I get when any of those things touches my skin. I swear to you, it is like nails on a damn chalk board. Of the five top things I would never want my skin to come in contact with, this is one of them. In fact here is that list.

1. Fleece
2. Mustard
3. Raw chicken
4. Burn Victims
5. Poop

If any of those things touch my skin, I actually panic. And I mean literally panic. Not that I am afraid of fleece like I am mustard, but I honestly can not even fathom why anyone enjoys the "comfort" of fleece. The reason I am bringing this up is because of this little nugget of joy that my friend Mario showed me a few weeks back. 

Yes. That.

I am not sure which is worse, this or the Snuggi. Either way, they are both made with the cheapest of cloth possible, fleece. What the hell is fleece anyway? It's like some dude said to himself," I really love the feeling of wool but I hate paying for it. I know, I will make this knock off that sort of feels like it... but not really." But enough about how it actually feels, how about this stupid product that I just shamelessly just kind of plugged.

Who in God's name would buy that stupid crap? Don't get me wrong, I know there will be a fair share pf people who will buy it, but they shouldn't. Hell, I could release something that is completely outlandish, and it would sell. I know, how about a reversable shirt that is one side wool and one side fleece with a picture of a pile of turds on it. Hell, let's make it neon orange. That would sell just like this idiotic product will. If you watched the video, it puts these out of work actors into situations that not one person on this earth would actually be in. Case in point... If I saw ANYONE wearing one of those things at a tailgating party, I would throw whatever was in my hand at them. Here is an example of what a fake tailgate looks like compared to a real one.

Also, sure the premise of the "zippered hatches" was a good idea, but I would not be caught dead using one of those in public. Honestly, you realize you are wearing a giant onesie, right? And it seems more useful for other things rather than going to the bathroom. Either way, it could get messy.

Onesie fetish. Hilarity personified.

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 7

Yet another week of fantasy football has past yet there was a much different outcome this week for me. Like I said in last week’s shithead article, around this time of year is where you see the truly good players succeed. They drafted and planned their teams through their bye weeks and the hard part of the schedule and can still beat other teams. Though I would like to think I have done those very things, I actually lost a game this week. This is not because my team had a bad week. Oh no, on the contrary. If I would have played ANY other person in the league I would have beaten them. But, low and behold, I am up against apparently my arch rival yet again, Restore the Roar. You remember that name? Yeah that is the guy who I play all the damn time who has Matt Forte on their team. And each and every damn time I play him, Forte plays out of his gourd. Low and behold, Matt Forte was a force to be reckoned with once again, scoring 23 points for his team. Everyone on my tea actually had an alright game. I took a chance on starting Antonio Brown, and it paid off with him having a 100 yard day. Jordy Nelson had a shitty day with only 4 catches and 52 yards. But the real ass clown is another idiot in Green Bay.

Thus, your week 7 shithead award goes to... RYAN GRANT!

I should have known better than to pick this idiot off of waivers. I mean, ever since he had that injury, he hasn’t done anything. And it isn’t even like Green Bay runs a lot. But I did it anyway being that I needed a filler halfback for this week. Maybe I would catch lightning in a bottle or something. I wouldn’t exactly call nine carries for 29 yards lightning in a bottle. I mean what happened to this guy? Did that one injury hurt him that much or do the Packers think that highly of James Starks? Either way, who really gives a damn? No I really think I know what the problem is. Every time you see Ryan Grant on the sidelines or on a picture, he looks like the dumbest person on earth. I wouldn’t have any confidence in a guy like that either. He probably doesn’t even know what play they are running when he is out there. He is just running around on the field like its recess. I mean look at these pictures. He looks like an imbecile.

Sunday Night Football... The Old Cliche' Machine

Besides the pure awesomeness of football every Sunday night, the broadcast of Sunday Night Football is filled with cliche' after cliche' and I literally can't stand it any longer. Being that they always put the Steelers on prime time, and being that I am big football fan and actually watch games other than my team, I notice these little things. Every commercial break, the network comes back on with a beautifully shot view of some part of the city in which they are playing in. For example... The awful game that was played last night was played in the city of New Orleans. New Orleans is filled with a rich culture and colorful people. But according to NBC and Sunday Night Football, the only things in New Orleans are ...

1) Jazz Music
2) Jambalaya
3) Bourbon Street
4) Beads
5) Swamps

This was actually brought up while my friend Brad and I were watching the game yesterday. We began talking about our own home cities, and how they were portrayed on Sunday Night Football. You see, Brad is from the magical city of Philadelphia where, apparently, it is always sunny, they have delicious food, and all they know about is America. How do I know this? Well besides being there a few times, because I watch Sunday Night Football. Philadelphia has...

1) The Liberty Bell
2) Independence Hall
3) Cheese steaks
4) A statue of a fictional boxer named Rocky
5) Something they call Boat House Row

Now don't get me wrong, all of those things are damn cool, but there is more to that city than those things. what about he beautiful sight of this building nestled away in the doldrums of Phili?

Trust me, you will see next week. The Eagles play.

Who wouldn't want to see a building where some cloth was sewn? And how about the city I live closest to? You know, Pittsburgh is literally one of the most aesthetically pleasing places in the entire world and yet all they can focus on are these things...

1) A steel mill

2) The incline

3) The point

4) Bridges

5) Primanti Bros.

It's not even like it is stock footage either. They actually send out people to re shoot all of this footage over, and over, and over again every time they play in these cities. There is one damn steel mill left in the city and yet they make it look and sound like there are hundreds of them scattered throughout the city. In my opinion, I don't think it is giving a fair evaluation of these cities. Granted I have never been to New Orleans, but I am pretty sure there is more tot he city than some swamps and shitty looking meaty stew. Next time they are in Dallas, what are they going to focus on?

1) Cowboys

2) Fat People

3) Cows

4) A steak house

5) Dirk Nowitzki

They actually have a game of Sunday Night Football in Dallas on December, 11 against the Giants. This is what the opening shot will look like... in a nut shell of course.

I just think they should show a better representation of these cities that's all I am saying.

Lastly, but certainly not least, I have one more complaint about the Sunday Night Football broadcast. Literally not one person gives a shit about Faith Hill.

Stop paying her millions of dollars to sing that stupid song and dance around in a tiny dress. She is like 60 years old... and is a country music artist... I would say about 98% of the population does not care about either of those things. Except for that, stealer job NBC!

Your Forecast

It has rained every single damn day for the past year. That, my friends, is a scientific fact.So, just so you are not wondering what the coming weather is, I have taken the liberty of giving you the rest of the weeks forecast.

Just because I'm awesome, I have also given you the forecast for all of next month as well. I am sure you will find it very accurate.

 Have a wonderful day everyone! Stay dry!

40 cases

In a recent trip to Wally World, I had an experience I will never forget. Not only are my visits to that store usually filled with amazing sights and sounds of redneck families looking for a bargain,  but I usually spend my time avoiding people I may know. I mean, God forbid I may actually have to engage in an awkward conversation with someone I really don't care to catch up with. It is not unusual for me to literally turn the other way and go the complete opposite direction of where I need to go if I, in fact, possibly see someone I know. But that was not the problem this time. Like I said, this particular trip was unlike any other I had ever partaken in. I had just left the gym after my daily workout, stopped at Gamestop to ask a question, and the stopped at Wally World to pick up a few things for my Halloween costume I was making. Luckily for me I had not seen anyone in particular I knew. So I get in line to check out. Being that I only had a couple things with me, I got in the express line and for some reason it was kind of busy. I soon find out why.

As I stand there in my own little world, my jackass sense is tingling. To my immediate right are two people... well two and a half people really. There is this odd looking thing of what I thought was a man next to a very large woman screaming violently about something so absurd that I couldn't even believe it. This large woman was yelling so loudly that I honestly thought the pressure from her diaphragm was going to make her insanely unattractive breasts burst out of her inappropriately low cut shirt.... I swear to God I thought it was going to happen. It was like a Jello commercial. This woman was having an utter hissy fit about what was in her not one, not two, but three shopping carts packed to the brim full of soda pop. SODA POP! These people literally had three carts of soda pop. This woman claimed that, and I quote,  " these people are treating me like shit." Now you have to understand, I came into this whole situation with a clear mind and not knowing exactly what her complaint was. So instead of actually checking out, I stand back and watch the fireworks.

Her claim of these people "treating her like shit" was obviously justified. I mean, these people were only dealing with this cow of a woman, who apparently has a fetish for Pepsi products, with nothing but a smile. If I were that cashier, I wouldn't have had a job by the end of this. Anyways... This woman claims that the grocery store down the street had a better price for these 24 packs of soda but did not actually have any proof of that. You see, Wally World has a policy, if you didn't already know, that they match any competitors price if you have an actual add. So since she didn't have any proof, they actually could not give her the discount. Nooooow you can see the problem. The large woman couldn't save a couple dimes so she was causing a ruckus. How many cases did she have in those shopping carts you ask? Luckily I know that answer because she was literally screaming it. 40 cases. That is almost 1,000 freaking cans of Pepsi. Who the hell does that?

Now at this point, this battle has gone on for a good ten minutes. I am now actually leaning on a wall laughing to myself watching this. It was honestly one of the silliest things I have ever seen in a long time. Who the hell was that soda for? Them? I don't think that behemoth of a woman actually knows that soda pop is very bad for you. Needless to say, they did not get the discount and their terrible no good very bad trip to Wally World was foiled by upper management. My question is, why the hell didn't they just go to the other store?  Outrageous people...This is why I love my life.

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 6

I can't say this enough... yet another win for me this week, 99-49. I am the leader in the division with a record of  4-1-1 and I am not looking back. I literally could have beaten this pathetic team I was up against with my running backs and one wide receiver. Pitiful dude. This is the time of year, in fantasy football at least, where teams start to struggle. Why? Bye weeks frigging kill people. I have learned over years of playing this game that you have to plan accordingly in the draft and in free agency for your bye weeks. I had 2 players on bye this week, including my best receiver. Luckily I have some serviceable backups.
So it was actually sort of tough to pick a winner of my prestigious award again this week. Man, I really hate to pick on my receivers again but I sort of have to.

Your week 6 winner of the Fantasy football shithead award is... Victor Cruz!

This Victor Cruz guy who plays for the Giants is driving me bonkers. Every other week he has a HUGE game. Last week he scored 20 damn points for God sake. Week 3 he scored 23 damn points. But smacked between those 20 point efforts, he had a measly 9 pointer and don't even worry about the first two weeks. So this week I had high hopes for him coming in. He was playing a Buffalo team who gives up a lot of points. So I play him. He scores me 1 damn point. You kidding me man? Who was covering you? Some man named Leodis McKelvin apparently. Instead of getting to the game, Mr.Cruz was actually late. This actually explains why he only caught two passes for 12 yards. Turns out he was just engulfed in the natural beauty of his back yard of his gorgeous New Jersey home. Here is a picture of it.

This means something...

Everyone is making a big to do about Sidney Crosby's helmet color. This day it's white and that day it's black... it's like these colors mean something. He was wearing this today... so what the hell does this mean??

I think it means he walked through a chemical spill myself.

Rentals

Movie rental stores are literally dinosaurs these days and I think I know the reason why. Besides the obvious reasons of Netflix, Redbox, and Blockbuster Express, there has to be some others. To me, seeing the actual demise of video stores was quite painful. Being the movie buff that I am, how was I going to be able to rent movies, buy used movies, and have a selection to boot if all I had was a stupid 8x3 red box to look at and choose from? How many freaking movies does that thing hold? Like 70? For the longest time I literally refused to use the damn things and just bought movies. As you can probably figure out, this was not the smartest idea in the world monetarily but it sure did feel nice to have one of the largest movie collections in the county. Actually, I have no idea if it is one of the largest but you know what I am saying. But eventually, to see new releases, I had to start renting again. I had to start using the damn Red Box... I mean, there are no freaking video stores anymore. Actually, there is. A lonely old video rental store still exists in my home town and I possibly could give my business to them. But like the hard ass I am, I wont because I hold grudges for the dumbest of freaking reasons. Here is a nice picture of the store front.

At first glance, it is a quaint mom and pop movie rental store. This you are correct. But to the trained eye of a movie buff, this should annoy the hell out of you. First of all, they are still calling them "tapes" on that white sign. Even though there is absolutely not one VHS tape in the establishment, they are still calling them that. Apparently a 60 year old man made that sign while watching his copy of Green Berets on VHS. Secondly, and most annoying of all, the store front is riddled with movie posters much older than a year old. Here, I will prove my point...

That is just the left side.

I am being completely serious when I say this. I literally went in about, oh, three months ago and offered to pay for that Youth in Revolt poster because I was tired of seeing it in the window. I told them how long ago it came out and they did not care. What, do you think people see that and want to come in your store? Abso-freaking-lutely not. This is my other reason for why movie stores are now basically extinct... because of idiotic stunts like this.

Yeah...

Too soon? 

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 5

Yet another win for me and this is beginning to become routine. Man I must have had the best draft ever. If Kenny Britt hadn't have gotten hurt, I would probably be undefeated and be demolishing people every week. But I digress. This weeks shithead was not very hard to choose really. I mean, I could have chosen Tony Gonzalez for actually NOT catching a touchdown pass this week, but that is asking a lot. So my only other option would be yet another wider receiver. it sure seems like I have it out for these guys, but each and every week one of my receivers under performs. And being that there are three of them playing each week, there is a good chance it is going to be one of the three each and every week. With that said, here he is.

Your winner of the week 5 shithead award is... Jordy Nelson!



It is kind of upsetting actually. Each and every week this guy performs for me. Ever week, besides week 3 against the Bears, he has scored  13 or more points. For a third receiver, that is great. But this week, against an Atlanta defense ranked 24th in the league and 29th against the pass, you can understand why I was upset with him. I mean, the dude had three catches for 17 measly yards. What a turd.

Who was covering him? Jesus? No... actually I think it was this guy in a Jordy Nelson jersey playing, not actually Jordy himself.

What a fine specimen of health.

Bullying

I don't get what the hell the big deal is about bullying. Unbeknownst to me, the month of October is apparently National Bullying Prevention Month. I was surprised to find out the fact that there was some other awareness month other that black history and breast cancer awareness. I swear to God it is one of those every single month... it doesn't make sense to me. Anyways, I just want to know the fact why, just now, everyone is worried about bullying so damn much. I was bullied plenty in high school and I turned out just fine. The fact is, people need to grow some freaking balls and realize that a little innocent bullying never hurt a soul. In fact, if anything, it made people stronger and the people they are today. Hell, I learned a lot of my wit and humor because I was bullied. People would make fun of me and I would snap back with a quick smart ass comment that would knock them on their ass and I would walk away smiling. I would go as far as to say that bullying actually made me who I am today. I honestly find it hard to believe that the bullying game has changed so much from the time I have been in high school that there needs to be all this attention put on it. I mean, its only been six freaking years. And even so, what is it even going to do? The answer to that question is nothing. Absolutely nothing. 


Major companies are even getting into the mix now with this idiotic fight. The WWE started something called the B.A. Star program. It's mission is apparently to "ensure a positive and equitable social environment for everyone regardless of age, race, religion or sexual orientation through grassroots efforts beginning with education and awareness." In other words, to make closet bullies more aware of better ways to screw with people. One of the biggest advocates for this program is WWE COO and superstar Triple H. He says simply, " Bullying needs to be stopped." This coming from a person who was in one of the most notorious wrestling groups in the history of the industry, Degeneration X, where he made a living on bullying people. He wasn't going around handing out life lessons to people. No, he was chopping his crotch telling people to suck his dick and get a life.

He wasn't going around with a sledgehammer for years scratching peoples backs for them. 

No, he was being the WWE's version of a bully for years and years. And now he is the spokesperson for the anti bullying campaign. Smart choice. Or should I say what the hell is the point in the first place. In my opinion, bullying is not the problem. It's these idiotic kids trying to fit in that are the problem. Form your own identity, make actual friends who give two shits about the things that you are interested in, and don't give a damn what other people have to say about it. Like I said, I got my fair share of bullying in my day. I would attribute that to the fact that I was in the band, I was fat, and wore shirts with anime on them. But dude, that was me. If I felt like it, I would still be wearing shirts with anime on them and would tell people to go fuck off if they had something to say about it. There is not a bullying problem, there is a problem with people caring way to much about their image and how people perceive them. 

Shove the bullying prevention month and B.A. Star program up your ass people. It's dumb and unnecessary. In other words... Suck it people who really think this is a problem. You blow things up that are not actually a problem just to bring attention onto yourself. And I absolutely hate it. 

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 4

Wow. I suffered my first loss this week... First of all, every damn time I play this "Restore the Roar" fellow, Matt Forte has the game of his frigging life. Literally, week one he almost had 200 all purpose yards and over 20 points and now week four he had OVER 200 yards rushing and almost 30 f'ing points. This is an outrage. I looked it up. I said to myself, "Greg, I know this idiot doesn't do shit when he doesn't play you." And then I confirmed it. He didn't have a combined 30 points in both week two and three. Whatever. But anyways... Enough of my complaining. That is just the way the cookie crumbles I guess. So on to my week four shithead. I could have chosen many people this week being it was my first loss of the year. I could have went with Drew Brees, who only scored me a minut 17 points because he threw an uncharacteristic two interceptions. I could have chosen the other usual fantasy monster LeSean McCoy who only scored me 10 points against a crappy San Fransisco team. But the clear cut winner this week is someone I just traded for because of Kenny Britt being out the entire season. I should have known better really...

Your winner of the week 4 shithead award is... Devery Henderson



You know why this idiot is my shithead of the week? It's quite simple really. HE DIDN'T DO A DAMN THING! I personally did not watch the game, so it is quite possible he actually just fell asleep at the airport. In fact, I am betting on it.

Looks like I will never be playing his ass anymore.