Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Fads

            Now this is a subject that I fine absolutely hilarious. I am not one to follow in with the crowd most of the time, but when you grow up with a bunch of kids that are into something you kind of have to be. If your friends are into football, for example, why would you be the only one playing baseball. Now even though I felt like that sometimes, I have to admit I did get into some of the big fads growing up. In fact, some of them were my forte.

            One of the biggest things to collect during my childhood and even my teenage years were different types of cards. When I was really young, baseball cards were the shit. I couldn’t get enough of my favorite team, which for some reason never seemed to come when I bought a pack of cards. I love the Pittsburgh Pirates, but yet when I would beg my mother to buy a pack of cards for me I would get 12 cards of teams I hate. No matter how many cards I would get, the ratio of Pirates I would get would be at least 50:1. You would think this would be the other way around, being that no one outside of Pittsburgh actually likes that team, but it isn’t. That isn’t how it works when I collect things… unless…

            On of the only things I have ever been good at in my life was collecting Pokémon cards. I could wheel and deal like no one had ever seen before. For those of you who don’t know, there were four different types of cards back when I collected these things. Now that there are nearly 600 different ones, I have no idea if they changed this. But back when I collected them there were common cards, uncommon cards, rare cards, and then the holographic cards. These were represented by a circle, a diamond, a star, and a holographic star. If you got the last one of any card, you were the coolest kid on the block. There were also certain cards that made you even cooler. If you had the holographic Charizard you were the king. I knew a few people who had a couple of them and it made me jealous. But I finally got my hands on one and that’s when I made my move as wheeler and dealer of the century. I was flipping packages of ten common cards for rare cards, which no one could do but me. I had a way of talking these kids into it that no one else did. I was on top of the world. But then… I grew up. I realized how stupid it was to own all of these pieces of cardboard that were worth nothing. I mean no one even played the fucking game. I know I tried a couple times, but all people wanted to do with them was put them in some protective sheets and run around town with them. It was asinine behavior. Here are some cards made to play a game. People buy literally millions upon millions of them, and no one plays the damn game. People just wanted to collect them all. I gave all of mine to my cousin years later because I honestly could have cared less about them. My honest opinion? I think trading cards and game cards are made to teach kids the basics to bartering. And it worked.

            If there is one thing everyone knows it’s that most kids don’t like to read. But every once in a while there is an author who catches every kids imaginations…except for mine of course. There was a man whose name was R.L.Stine, which no one knew what the hell stood for by the way, who wrote these terrible horror books. Such literary gems with names as “Welcome to Dead House”, “Let's Get Invisible!,” and “ The Blob That Ate Everyone” were obviously written to win the Nobel Prize. I mean, that second book I mentioned obviously wasn’t even a pun. Now that’s what I call creativity. How couldn’t something like these books trap every 12 year olds imagination? Well I didn’t get caught up in the hype. For one, I hate reading. Two, if I did read I would want to read something fucking better than some shitty horror story that isn’t scary. Shitty horror stories aren’t my bag baby. But then he came out with these books where you could choose your own ending. I said “wow what an interesting idea.” Then I read it. Even worse than the other books, I swear. If there is something written that can’t even hold the attention of a nine year old, there is something wrong. But seriously, the people in my school literally bought ever fucking book that came out. I don’t even know if they read them I was smart and took them from the library. I win. But like I said, I didn’t read them. I would try, but then would realize how awful they actually were after about ten pages.

            People had an addiction to furry animals while I was growing up too. Actually not just furry animals, animals in general. One of the products that reflected this were these idiotic bead animals that everyone was fucking making. I even did it. But now looking back I realize how time consuming and stupid it was. I don’t even know where they are but I literally did at least 100 of each of these…

bookers, who are usually old women too. So that sort of makes the craft store industry sort of a niche market… to old bags.

            Not only were bead animals king of the jungle during the nineties, there was another product that everyone literally went bonkers over. These fuckers were at craft stores too, along with every other damn store you passed. Apparently the days of polyester stuffing had passed and thus the days of plastic pellets ruled. Yes, I am talking about beanie babies everyone and I hate to say it, but I also fell into this trap. I had hundreds of these overly expensive bean bags hoping one day my pay day would come. Yes, I was thinking I was going to make some dough in the future off of these things. Boy that was foolish. But at least I wasn’t one of these fucking idiotic, psychotic, and moronic people who thought they were going to make enough money to retire if they got their hands on something like this…

Seriously? You think you are going to retire off of this thing? People are really gullible. I’m going to retire off my good looks… I remember when these were hot. People would literally hit each other if they saw one of these they needed in their collection. And I stress “needed” because of how friging ridiculous that word sounds when talking about bean bags in the shape of an animal. But I sort of understand it I guess. I mean who wouldn’t go wacko over something as cute as Tangerine the orangutan. That was sarcasm by the way, though that’s another thing. Those stupid freaking names are out of line. Some of the classics include Belvedere the bear, Sophisticat the kitty cat, and Dewi Y Ddraig the dragon are just a few of the classics that people splooged their pants over. How the fuck do you even say that last one? All I know is I got rid of that shit as soon as I realized that these things really weren’t worth the money that people were saying they were worth. They were honestly just sitting on a shelf collecting dust, so what did I care?

            Digital pets were a big thing when I was a kid as well. This was one of the fads that went on for quite a while if I remember correctly. Why the hell did it go on for so long? It’s literally a machine the size of an egg where you have a pet that looks like a pile of poop. Then, your pile of poop poop’s, a lot. Then you gotta clean up the poop while trying to figure out the difference between the actual poop and your poopy pet. Then it usually grows up into some other animal looking thing while you feed it meat and clean up poop constantly… all day every day… it’s exhausting. People played with these during school, like it was any more interesting than social studies. In fact, it was probably less interesting. It literally does nothing but shit. There were people who actually had these things just to keep resetting the pet and killing it off again. What the hell is wrong with some people? I mean seriously. People would actually buy the game “The Sims” to just starve their character and kill them off. What a bunch of re-re’s.

            Those finger skateboards were a big deal for a while. I tried them, but I could never fucking do it. It’s just like regular skateboarding, it’s a frigin travesty if I try and do it. I honestly think the people who are actually amazing at the sport are super heroes. They literally defy gravity. There is no way in hell someone should be able to make a piece of wood on wheels go up in the air and have their feet stick to it the whole way. I have no idea how it’s done. And those finger skateboards are even worse. How the hell are you supposed to do that with just two fingers? It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. Anyways, all of these people I knew were good at it and then there was me who could only really put his middle finger on it and then push it around with my pointer. Yeah, that’s how I roll. But they made these accessories for people who were really good. They made half pipes, grind rails, and anything that was made for real skateboarders. So apparently they were a big hit. I could just never figure out how to do it. If you haven’t figured it out yet, things that I can’t figure out how to do really makes me angry.

            That slime stuff, or Gak, was a fad for a short time. It didn’t make any sense. You couldn’t do anything with it except kind of touch it. Then after you touched it for a while, no matter what you did. It got all dirty and fuzzy and then you could never play with it again. The fact that you could only really play with it for a short period of time didn’t really make it any easier to accept the fact that you just paid $10 for that container of slime. To top it off, it literally smelled like fish. So then after you played with it for an hour, made it look like a fizzy ball of dirt, and then realized that its actually a useless consumer item, your hands smell like shit. Great job wasting my time and money you stupid slime makers.

            Every ten years Yo-Yo’s come back. I am 24 years old now, and I think I saw some hoodlums using them the other day. I remember ten or so years prior they were a hit while I was in school. I had a Duncan butterfly, which was a cheaper model but was notorious for being a good sleeper. So it was good for learning some tricks. I could only really ever do a couple tricks, but that’s not the point. In the technological age of interactive video games and computers, why the hell do Yo-Yo’s keep coming back. They aren’t fun. I actually guarantee its one of those things that when a kid plays with it for more than 20 minutes, they throw it in the corner of their rooms and then lay there and watch some stupid fucking mindless kids show until their awful parents, who bought them that very Yo-Yo, make them go to bed at an very late hour. I don’t really know where I’m going with this other than the fact that I didn’t play with mine more than a couple days before I threw it in a box and left it there to rot. I guarantee every other kid in this world, except those dedicated few ridiculous people who are professional Yo-Yoists, do the same thing as I did.

            Probably the biggest trend while I grew up was one of the dumbest things ever invented. Unlike the card game I talked about at the beginning of the chapter, this was a game that I actually witnessed people playing. Hell, I actually played it myself. This game is called pog’s. Pog’s were, and I refer to them in the past tense because no one in their right minds plays this stupid fucking game anymore, a game where you bought hundreds of these cardboard circles with pictures on them. You then take those circles and stack them very high and throw a metal or heavy plastic circle at them. This was called a slammer. That was it. Invigorating. Now you could play with other people, and by doing this you were playing for keeps. You would hit each other’s stacks with your slammer and whatever pog’s were left face down would become yours, and vice versa. I did this a couple times but it always seemed that my crapper of a slammer never got the job done. So I was like fuck it. You would transport them in these gigantic cylinder shaped tubes that were literally longer than a car. People actually carried these things around. And speaking of hilarious, what the hell was the deal with the designs on the pog’s? Every pog had an 8 ball, skull, or a ying yang on it. Most people don’t even know what the hell a ying yang is. I swear to you, every one of my pog’s, except maybe a few, had those designs on them. All I know is if this fad ever returns I will want to punch a hole in a wall. It was literally the lamest thing I have ever done in my life.

            Why do we feel the need to buy these idiotic trendy items? It boggles my mind, but it still happens. Even though all of the things I have talked about happened in my younger days, adults do it too. With electronics, cars, and clothes, adults do the same exact thing just on a larger scale. I even do it now even because I buy every damn DVD I can see. I exaggerate obviously, but it’s a hobby I guess and I guess all of the things above kind of were to. Only thing is, movies will never die. 

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Fads

            Now this is a subject that I fine absolutely hilarious. I am not one to follow in with the crowd most of the time, but when you grow up with a bunch of kids that are into something you kind of have to be. If your friends are into football, for example, why would you be the only one playing baseball. Now even though I felt like that sometimes, I have to admit I did get into some of the big fads growing up. In fact, some of them were my forte.

            One of the biggest things to collect during my childhood and even my teenage years were different types of cards. When I was really young, baseball cards were the shit. I couldn’t get enough of my favorite team, which for some reason never seemed to come when I bought a pack of cards. I love the Pittsburgh Pirates, but yet when I would beg my mother to buy a pack of cards for me I would get 12 cards of teams I hate. No matter how many cards I would get, the ratio of Pirates I would get would be at least 50:1. You would think this would be the other way around, being that no one outside of Pittsburgh actually likes that team, but it isn’t. That isn’t how it works when I collect things… unless…

            On of the only things I have ever been good at in my life was collecting Pokémon cards. I could wheel and deal like no one had ever seen before. For those of you who don’t know, there were four different types of cards back when I collected these things. Now that there are nearly 600 different ones, I have no idea if they changed this. But back when I collected them there were common cards, uncommon cards, rare cards, and then the holographic cards. These were represented by a circle, a diamond, a star, and a holographic star. If you got the last one of any card, you were the coolest kid on the block. There were also certain cards that made you even cooler. If you had the holographic Charizard you were the king. I knew a few people who had a couple of them and it made me jealous. But I finally got my hands on one and that’s when I made my move as wheeler and dealer of the century. I was flipping packages of ten common cards for rare cards, which no one could do but me. I had a way of talking these kids into it that no one else did. I was on top of the world. But then… I grew up. I realized how stupid it was to own all of these pieces of cardboard that were worth nothing. I mean no one even played the fucking game. I know I tried a couple times, but all people wanted to do with them was put them in some protective sheets and run around town with them. It was asinine behavior. Here are some cards made to play a game. People buy literally millions upon millions of them, and no one plays the damn game. People just wanted to collect them all. I gave all of mine to my cousin years later because I honestly could have cared less about them. My honest opinion? I think trading cards and game cards are made to teach kids the basics to bartering. And it worked.

            If there is one thing everyone knows it’s that most kids don’t like to read. But every once in a while there is an author who catches every kids imaginations…except for mine of course. There was a man whose name was R.L.Stine, which no one knew what the hell stood for by the way, who wrote these terrible horror books. Such literary gems with names as “Welcome to Dead House”, “Let's Get Invisible!,” and “ The Blob That Ate Everyone” were obviously written to win the Nobel Prize. I mean, that second book I mentioned obviously wasn’t even a pun. Now that’s what I call creativity. How couldn’t something like these books trap every 12 year olds imagination? Well I didn’t get caught up in the hype. For one, I hate reading. Two, if I did read I would want to read something fucking better than some shitty horror story that isn’t scary. Shitty horror stories aren’t my bag baby. But then he came out with these books where you could choose your own ending. I said “wow what an interesting idea.” Then I read it. Even worse than the other books, I swear. If there is something written that can’t even hold the attention of a nine year old, there is something wrong. But seriously, the people in my school literally bought ever fucking book that came out. I don’t even know if they read them I was smart and took them from the library. I win. But like I said, I didn’t read them. I would try, but then would realize how awful they actually were after about ten pages.

            People had an addiction to furry animals while I was growing up too. Actually not just furry animals, animals in general. One of the products that reflected this were these idiotic bead animals that everyone was fucking making. I even did it. But now looking back I realize how time consuming and stupid it was. I don’t even know where they are but I literally did at least 100 of each of these…

bookers, who are usually old women too. So that sort of makes the craft store industry sort of a niche market… to old bags.

            Not only were bead animals king of the jungle during the nineties, there was another product that everyone literally went bonkers over. These fuckers were at craft stores too, along with every other damn store you passed. Apparently the days of polyester stuffing had passed and thus the days of plastic pellets ruled. Yes, I am talking about beanie babies everyone and I hate to say it, but I also fell into this trap. I had hundreds of these overly expensive bean bags hoping one day my pay day would come. Yes, I was thinking I was going to make some dough in the future off of these things. Boy that was foolish. But at least I wasn’t one of these fucking idiotic, psychotic, and moronic people who thought they were going to make enough money to retire if they got their hands on something like this…

Seriously? You think you are going to retire off of this thing? People are really gullible. I’m going to retire off my good looks… I remember when these were hot. People would literally hit each other if they saw one of these they needed in their collection. And I stress “needed” because of how friging ridiculous that word sounds when talking about bean bags in the shape of an animal. But I sort of understand it I guess. I mean who wouldn’t go wacko over something as cute as Tangerine the orangutan. That was sarcasm by the way, though that’s another thing. Those stupid freaking names are out of line. Some of the classics include Belvedere the bear, Sophisticat the kitty cat, and Dewi Y Ddraig the dragon are just a few of the classics that people splooged their pants over. How the fuck do you even say that last one? All I know is I got rid of that shit as soon as I realized that these things really weren’t worth the money that people were saying they were worth. They were honestly just sitting on a shelf collecting dust, so what did I care?

            Digital pets were a big thing when I was a kid as well. This was one of the fads that went on for quite a while if I remember correctly. Why the hell did it go on for so long? It’s literally a machine the size of an egg where you have a pet that looks like a pile of poop. Then, your pile of poop poop’s, a lot. Then you gotta clean up the poop while trying to figure out the difference between the actual poop and your poopy pet. Then it usually grows up into some other animal looking thing while you feed it meat and clean up poop constantly… all day every day… it’s exhausting. People played with these during school, like it was any more interesting than social studies. In fact, it was probably less interesting. It literally does nothing but shit. There were people who actually had these things just to keep resetting the pet and killing it off again. What the hell is wrong with some people? I mean seriously. People would actually buy the game “The Sims” to just starve their character and kill them off. What a bunch of re-re’s.

            Those finger skateboards were a big deal for a while. I tried them, but I could never fucking do it. It’s just like regular skateboarding, it’s a frigin travesty if I try and do it. I honestly think the people who are actually amazing at the sport are super heroes. They literally defy gravity. There is no way in hell someone should be able to make a piece of wood on wheels go up in the air and have their feet stick to it the whole way. I have no idea how it’s done. And those finger skateboards are even worse. How the hell are you supposed to do that with just two fingers? It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. Anyways, all of these people I knew were good at it and then there was me who could only really put his middle finger on it and then push it around with my pointer. Yeah, that’s how I roll. But they made these accessories for people who were really good. They made half pipes, grind rails, and anything that was made for real skateboarders. So apparently they were a big hit. I could just never figure out how to do it. If you haven’t figured it out yet, thins that I can’t figure out how to do really makes me angry.

            That slime stuff, or Gak, was a fad for a short time. It didn’t make any sense. You couldn’t do anything with it except kind of touch it. Then after you touched it for a while, no matter what you did. It got all dirty and fuzzy and then you could never play with it again. The fact that you could only really play with it for a short period of time didn’t really make it any easier to accept the fact that you just paid $10 for that container of slime. To top it off, it literally smelled like fish. So then after you played with it for an hour, made it look like a fizzy ball of dirt, and then realized that its actually a useless consumer item, your hands smell like shit. Great job wasting my time and money you stupid slime makers.

            Every ten years Yo-Yo’s come back. I am 24 years old now, and I think I saw some hoodlums using them the other day. I remember ten or so years prior they were a hit while I was in school. I had a Duncan butterfly, which was a cheaper model but was notorious for being a good sleeper. So it was good for learning some tricks. I could only really ever do a couple tricks, but that’s not the point. In the technological age of interactive video games and computers, why the hell do Yo-Yo’s keep coming back. They aren’t fun. I actually guarantee its one of those things that when a kid plays with it for more than 20 minutes, they throw it in the corner of their rooms and then lay there and watch some stupid fucking mindless kids show until their awful parents, who bought them that very Yo-Yo, make them go to bed at an very late hour. I don’t really know where I’m going with this other than the fact that I didn’t play with mine more than a couple days before I threw it in a box and left it there to rot. I guarantee every other kid in this world, except those dedicated few ridiculous people who are professional Yo-Yoists, do the same thing as I did.

            Probably the biggest trend while I grew up was one of the dumbest things ever invented. Unlike the card game I talked about at the beginning of the chapter, this was a game that I actually witnessed people playing. Hell, I actually played it myself. This game is called pog’s. Pog’s were, and I refer to them in the past tense because no one in their right minds plays this stupid fucking game anymore, a game where you bought hundreds of these cardboard circles with pictures on them. You then take those circles and stack them very high and throw a metal or heavy plastic circle at them. This was called a slammer. That was it. Invigorating. Now you could play with other people, and by doing this you were playing for keeps. You would hit each other’s stacks with your slammer and whatever pog’s were left face down would become yours, and vice versa. I did this a couple times but it always seemed that my crapper of a slammer never got the job done. So I was like fuck it. You would transport them in these gigantic cylinder shaped tubes that were literally longer than a car. People actually carried these things around. And speaking of hilarious, what the hell was the deal with the designs on the pog’s? Every pog had an 8 ball, skull, or a ying yang on it. Most people don’t even know what the hell a ying yang is. I swear to you, every one of my pog’s, except maybe a few, had those designs on them. All I know is if this fad ever returns I will want to punch a hole in a wall. It was literally the lamest thing I have ever done in my life.

            Why do we feel the need to buy these idiotic trendy items? It boggles my mind, but it still happens. Even though all of the things I have talked about happened in my younger days, adults do it too. With electronics, cars, and clothes, adults do the same exact thing just on a larger scale. I even do it now even because I buy every damn DVD I can see. I exaggerate obviously, but it’s a hobby I guess and I guess all of the things above kind of were to. Only thing is, movies will never die. 

Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Bad odors

            Is there anything more offensive on the face of this planet than a bad smell? Well, if it’s coming off of a person maybe not. And trust me I have met my fair share of smelly people in my day. You may be thinking to yourself, “Man, this chapter is pointless.” Well you would be thinking correctly. The fact is, foul odors are something we have to deal with, especially if you live around the area that I have lived in all of my life. People encounter smelly objects almost every of their lives and don’t think twice about it. I just happen to put some thought into it. What can I say, smelly shit, no pun intended, offends me. I like smelling fresh and new and I like the places I am in to smell that way too. I guess that was just how I was brought up.

            First and most obvious of all, let’s talk about poop. Poop, although a hilarious word to say, can be as offensive as a Big Momma’s House 3 is to the movie industry. Why the hell are they making another one I have no idea. Hell, why did they make the first two? Anyways… Poop can come in many shapes and sizes and each has its own shock factor about it. And don’t get it twisted, no matter what, there is nothing nice about the smell of any species’ shit. Shit is shit. It comes out of something’s ass and it is called waste for a reason. Your body is literally rejecting it because it smells so bad. No one likes the smell of shit. It is offensive to everyone on the face of the earth. Well, you know, check that statement. Some people may be into it. Some sick bastard reading this will sue me because it’s his own personal fetish. To each his own I guess.

            Like I said before, living in or around the area of which I lived in most of my life it is a common occurrence to smell shit all day long. It doesn’t matter if you are in the house or outside, that smell is just tattooed in your nose. Why is that? Well besides the fact that my father goes to the bathroom 100 times a day and then thinks it’s hilarious not to spray ( I love you by the way father), we live around farms. Farms produce the foulest smells of anything I will be talking about in this chapter. Not only do they have cows, they have pigs which roll around in God only knows, and even compost on site. Cows are infamous for smelling bad. We all know this. But why do they stink up everything? Well how about for the simple fucking fact that they poop 20 times a day. Did you just read that? I don’t think you did so I will repeat it. COWS POOP 20 TIMES PER DAY! Nothing on this planet should have to shit that much. And if you don’t believe me, look that shit up. I did my research. At least you know they are regular.

            Then you have pigs which in their own right are just as or maybe even grosser than the whole cow situation. Cows may shit their brains out, but at least they have enough dignity to roll around in it. Pigs wallow around in their own fecal matter. What kind of animal is dumb enough to do this? Well I guess the pig is. That was a dumb question Greg. But that isn’t even the grossest part about these farm animals. They also eat their own shit if they are given the right conditions. No wonder those things smell so bad. Dumb dumb dumb animal… But boy do they taste good. I don’t give a damn how much they roll around or eat their own crap. Bacon tastes soooo good.

            Both of those animals obviously add to the notable stench of a farm. It’s quite obvious. But you also have to take into consideration that some farms actually use compost to farm with. This has almost a worse stench than some crap does. For those of you who have no idea what compost is, it is a mixture of decaying organic matter used to improve soil structure and provide nutrients to the soil. But what exactly is in it? Mainly dead leaves and manure. That’s right, rotting wet leaves and shit. Not only do both of these things smell terrible apart from each other, they have to be mixed together to provide one of the most natural and cheap growing materials for farmers. How would I describe the smell of compost… hmmm… well, what other things smell like rotting leaves and shit? Nothing. That’s what it smells like, and it’s awful. So why leave it sitting out where everyone can fucking smell it? I assume that most places don’t and take the proper procedures to keep the smell under control with such things like compost bins and other materials. But not around here.

           

            I also dread walking out of my house during the warmer months. Over yonder, on top of a hill oh about a mile away there is an actual rat farm. I have no idea what they test on those poor things in that plant, but they do. There is also this God awful smell that comes out of that place that I can only describe as smelling like rusty shit. Yes, that’s right, rusty shit. I like playing basketball outside so standing in that awful stench is not very fun at all. You would think you would get used to it, but you don’t. It just keeps lingering and lingering until you go back inside. Luckily it never lingers inside your house. Now that I think about it, that’s sort of odd. It’s like it waits for you to go outside so it can latch on to you. It waits to attack. Like I said, I have no idea what they do at that place, but the stench is unbearable. And it only comes out during the summer months. It doesn’t smell during the winter.

            Another thing that we have to deal with in this area is a little furry creature. A furry creature that actually feasts on garbage and sprays smelly shit out of a gland in its ass. That’s right ladies and gents, it’s the weird neighbor that no one likes because of his odor of the animal kingdom. Honestly, you find me one person who actually likes a skunk and I will buy you some groceries or something. I wouldn’t buy you anything that large because after rethinking this, I am sure you could find someone pretty easily that likes skunks. I need to think before I type. These creatures obviously use this smelly solution that they shoot out of their asses as a defense mechanism. They don’t do it as a party gag. It’s not like they are just shooting the shit around the woods and they let one slip. It’s because they are scared shitless about something and they do it to scare whatever has startled them away from that area. It has been said that it actually smells something like a mixture of eggs, garlic, and burning rubber, and to tell you the truth, I love all of those smells. And to be honest, I don’t mind the smell of skunk that much either. But then again I have never actually been sprayed by one before. So I am guessing I would be pretty pissed if I did. Especially if I would have to take a bath in tomato juice. I would literally gag. Just thinking about that makes me cringe a little.

            Being that skunks ass juice smells sort of like garlic and eggs, it made me think of other smelly foods that I despise. My family has a lot of polish in its blood. So you can imagine the things that I have had to smell and eat during my days. I am pretty sure every fucking Polish dish has some sort of smelly ass ingredient in it just to mess with my psyche. One of the main ingredients in a lot of Polish food is, in fact, one of the smelliest foods on the face of this earth is cabbage. The smell is so strong when it is being cooked that it fills the entire house with its awfulness. If that’s no fucking bad enough, if you have any sort of clothing exposed, be it folded clothes in your room, shoes, or God forbid jackets, forget about it. You are smelling like cabbage for weeks. People probably thought I lived in a damn cabbage patch. And good lord the taste is awful to. My mother is probably the best cook on the planet, and I don’t blame her, but the taste of anything with cabbage is sooooo bad. Halushki and cabbage rolls were made a lot in my house, so you can just think how I dreaded those days.

            The smell of onions is also something that I could live without for the remainder of my time left on earth. I loathe the distinctive smell of onions so much. I can’t even describe it when its being cooked. And again, this is something that was cooked a lot in my house. They smell like shit and when they cook it burns your eyes so much you want to be anywhere but there. I actually had my first experience with cutting onions not too long ago. I had to cut an onion at my one job and I seriously thought it wouldn’t bother me as much as it did. The smell, first of all, was unbearable. It smacked me in the face but I continued on like the trooper I am. Then came the eyes. I always thought people were just giant bitches fir crying when they cut an onion. If that’s the case, I must be the biggest bitch of them all because this was the worst feeling that had ever went over that part of my face. Ever. Then I made the brilliant move of rubbing my eyes, which then put me out of commission for a solid 15 minutes. I was rolling on the floor in pain, punching the wall, and sort of laughing about this wonderful life experience I just bestowed upon myself. Fuck onions. They don’t taste good and they smell terrible. By the way, along with cabbage, these will not leave your clothes for weeks either. I pity the fool who owns a wool jacket and leaves it out when one of these items is being cooked. I literally hide mine in a bomb shelter because that is the only thing that protects things from the chemical warfare of onion and cabbage smell.

            Another item on the list of the worst smelling foods is something that personally hits home to me, and it hits hard. It is a condiment. A condiment that I personally think should be taken off the shelves and never be served again. Mustard is that awful thing I am referring to. There should be a prohibition against mustard just like there was with alcohol back in the day. I can’t believe I am going to actually say this because I have a feeling it is going to come back and haunt me, but mustard is literally my worst fear in life. I am deathly afraid of a condiment. And no, don’t you DARE think I took this from the Jackass movie, because I have always been afraid of mustard. The next time someone says that to me, shits gonna go down. Yes, I am going to steal something so damn obscure from a movie, and from a character that no one even likes, just to garner some attention for myself. That was my grand scheme people. Anyways… The reasons I am afraid of mustard are few. For one, the color is absolutely putrid. Nothing that color should be ingested. It is like neon yellow people. It might as well be toxic waste you are putting on your hot dog because you actually wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Second is what it does to you. There is not one item in the food market, scratch that, the planet, that actually stains anything it touches. Except for mustard. I challenge you, slap some mustard on any substance and leave it there for a bit. Then try and clean it. Not even an industrial cleaner gets that shit out. Something that stains literally anything it touches can’t be healthy for anyone to ingest. And third, and most important, is the smell of this creepy item. Just thinking of it makes me gag a little. It honestly is the worst smell on the planet. I had a girl once find out that I was afraid of mustard and she then sprayed the length of my body in the grossness. I then vomited all over the place the street where I was and ran home. True story. By the way the clothes had to go in the garbage because MUSTARD STAINS EVERYTHING!

            I pity the people who had to walk those streets that day. Vomit smells horrifying. And trust me, I should know. As a child, I wasn’t medically diagnosed as bulimic, but I pretty much was. According to my parents, if I didn’t throw up during the day, they day wasn’t complete. This went on for years and years. I would probably say this went on till I was about seven years old. I know this because I became the normal chunky self I am today. And it is kind of weird, because I puked so much when I was a kid I think my body just doesn’t want to do it anymore. I can drink a shit ton of liquor and never puke. The only time I remember puking in the near past was when I got really sick with this 24 hour bug during the winter of 2010. I can honestly say it was the worse sickness I ever had because there was liquid coming out of both ends of me at one point. That happened so much I got dehydrated and had to go to the hospital. I think I had a record streak of years that I hadn’t puked until that day. Anyways, the reason puke is so offensive to me is because like I said I have seen and smelled a fair share of it in my day. Not only my own, but college had a lot of puke in it to. My good friend and roommate Cody didn’t know how to hold his liquor. I remember one fateful night he had drank a lot of apple flavored vodka. And being the one who took care of him I had to feel the brunt of that fact. In one fail swoop, I knew what kind of liquor he was drinking that night, what he had for dinner that night, and that he most likely broke the world record for the most time spent vomiting in one night. Thanks Cody for that wonderfully smelling mess.  And that’s what makes it so rank. Because its literally everything you have ingested during that day, which inevitably makes fowl smelling and looking vomit. Let’s face it, a lot of people eat gross shit.

            Cody was also one of those people who literally refused to take out the trash. This also adds to a bad smelling apartment. There are a lot of things that can go in the garbage that can add to that effect, especially if you are a college student. Myself, I added two of the smelliest things to ever face the garbage realm to the mix. I ate a lot of three different things during college, one of which being cereal. I love cereal, plain and simple. My day is not complete if I don’t have a bowl of it actually. I actually love cereal so much that I tried the Special K diet once. That lasted about two months and I went absolutely bonkers. For anyone who hasn’t tried or heard of the Special K diet, it is infuriating. Oh, it works people. You do lose weight. But this is why… You literally eat a bowl of cereal for two meals a day. And not just any cereal, the award winner for blandest cereal ever. So go ahead, try it. I need flavor in my life. But the cereal is not what smelled so bad, it was the milk. I am a big supporter of skim milk, no matter how much my father hates me for it. See my father is a milk man. No not like the old guys who used to come door to door, he is the guy takes it to the stores for you to buy. But he will not drink any other milk than 2%. I tried explaining to him that skim is better for you and you get the same qualities of 2%, just a little more watery… He will not have it. But I don’t think my father is worrying about his health much. I love the man more than anything, but for God sake he insists on eating two banana popsicles a night. So I don’t think a little life change like changing to skim milk is going to happen in the near future. Anyways, the milk is what the smelly item was. I had a problem with never using my milk on time while I was in college so it would always spoil. And then I would throw it away but the trash would never leave that little room because we didn’t add to it often. Sour milk is a wretched stench. One of those smells that makes your head jerk back. There aren’t many of those smells out there.

            I also ate a lot of chicken while I was in school. Not that pre maid chicken nugget crap either. No, real chicken breasts are what I bought. Nothing but the best for this guy. But after not using what I didn’t want from the package, what do you do? You throw those little slivers of chicken in the garbage. After about 2 hours, the scent of rotten flesh comes rolling through the apartment. And that’s basically what it is, something very dead, and that’s what it smells like. Hell even fresh chicken has a distinct smell to it. I guess there is just something about dead animals that smells bad. The question is, why the hell does it smell so good when you cook it? That’s what doesn’t make sense to me. How can something that smells like garbage smell so good after you put it under some heat. I also ate a lot of tuna in my day. Tuna smells like fish, obviously, and fish has a very distinct smell to it which is offensive to some. Some may not think it’s bad, like me. But after you throw it in the trash and it sits in there for a while it does. And just imagine all three of those things together. Holy Hell…

            When thinking about what I was going to write about in this chapter, I realized that a lot of these things can be categorized into one group… Old people. Here I go again bashing old people but let’s face it, old people smell. My grandma has spent a significant amount of time in a nursing home in the past few years and the stench that comes out of that place is awful. It’s a mixture of a few things actually but the two things that dominate the air quality are baby powder and shit. That’s the main smell in a nursing home and really it makes sense once you think about it. Old people use baby powder like it’s gonna go out of style. Old people for one reason or another get rashes. They just appear out of nowhere. So they use baby powder to prevent and/or heal up a rash. So that makes sense, and so does why everything smells like literal shit. That’s because the old people in that place either…

1.      Fart constantly and uncontrollably.

OR

2.      Shit themselves.

It’s just a fact of life people. We all are going to end up in their shoes. But I will tell you one thing, I am going to do everything in my power not to ever shit myself again. It doesn’t matter if I am 95 years old, I will not shit myself. I stopped that when I was a toddler. And it’s not like the smell is confined to their rooms either. These people are, for some reason, just allowed to roam the halls and mutter nonsense to people. I guess they have to have some semblance of normality in their lives still, even if they smell like feces most of the day.

            I have come down to the last two smelly items that piss me off and I found it hard to choose which one to write about last. Both of these stenches are the ones that I decided to write about last because they are the two things that, in my opinion, are the worst smelling things on the planet. Now this is hard to imagine when looking at the things before these but trust me, these suck just as bad. Body odor is probably everyone’s number one worst smelling thing. I mean just the thought of it makes people cringe. There was an item invented to stop such a foul odor from emitting from someone’s body, how more offensive can you get? Could you imagine these towns and villages hundreds or even thousands of years ago? These people didn’t have deodorant. Hell, these people didn’t even take baths. I can’t even imagine the cloud of gross surrounding those places. I would literally want to die. But what gets me is the fact that I honestly think the people who have bad BO doesn’t seem like they realize it. I have known many people who have bad odors coming off of them and they don’t do anything about it. There was a girl I went to elementary school with who was very shy. I would like to think the reason she was so shy is because her parents refused to buy her ladies speed stick. The odors coming off of this girl were offensive. Offensive to the point where we actually made a song about the odors she was omitting. I am not sure how to spell her name, and that’s probably a good thing. But she did move away and it was just good clean fun. Now that pun was intended. But I really only remember the first two lines of the song, but we had a whole damn song. I wish I could remember it… it went “ Smelly Rinelly walking down the street, the kind of girl you don’t want to meet.” I know, cruel yet pure gold.

            Cigarettes are the worst smelling thing in my opinion. Like onions and cabbage and all of those other things that I talked about, the smoke attaches itself to not only what you are wearing, but your skin as well. In fact, I can pick out a smoker from ten feet away just on smell alone. It’s quite disgusting. I think I get this opinion because of my parents. Growing up, both of my parents were smokers. Luckily my pops quit when I was 16, but my mother still smokes. So Is till have to smell it from time to time. Luckily only one of my roommates throughout college was a smoker, and he always went outside to smoke. But being that I like to have an adult beverage or two, I like going to bars. Why oh why do bars allow people to smoke inside of them? You end up leaving the bar smelling like an ash pile. It’s putrid. I go home and scrub my skin with soap and I still smell like it for a day or two. How can people deal with the fact that they will smell like that constantly? It’s unreal. And by the way, ladies… One of the least attractive things you can do is smoke. Unless you are trying to pick up another smoker, forget about it. No one wants to taste that shit.

            Why do I have such a phobia about bad smells? Well in all honesty I think everyone hates bad smells. I just talk about them because I talk about everything. Because my parents surrounded me with bad smells all of my life, I think that adds to the reason of why I am such a neat freak. Being a neat freak will eliminate a lot of those odors from your life, so I usually can stay away from them. I just wish we lived in a society where I could say “hey man, you stink” and have them not get offended by it. I am purely saying “hey man, you should probably stop cooking those onions so much or put on some deodorant. Either or, or you’re not gonna have many friends.” What so offensive about that? I’m just trying to help a brother out. I would want someone to tell me if I smelled.

            That reminds me of a story that I will leave you with. One fateful morning during my senior year of  high school, I was walking around with a stench. My late dog Sparky, who I loved and miss dearly, apparently peed on my white t shirt and I had no idea. I remember me smelling some sort of odor coming from around me but I couldn’t figure it out. I figured it out around third period because a friend of mine told me about it. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life by far. Can you imagine how many people saw that gigantic yellow stain on the back of my shirt? I bet a shit ton of people. 

coming next... chapter 8: fads

Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The College Years

            The five years of college were no doubt some of the best years of my life. I broke a lot of barriers, met so many unbelievably awesome people, and did a lot of things that I will remember for a very very long time. But in all honesty, this is where I got the idea for this very book that I am writing. To be frank, I met some stupid fucking people. And not just insignificant mindless students either. I had professors who most likely shouldn’t have gotten into that profession. There were actual moments where I thought I was smarter than a few of these people. But on the other hand, I had a couple of professors that made me feel like ant.

            There were two professors I had in college who were not only awful at their jobs, but they were pricks to boot. The first one that pops into my mind was a guy who I learned to actually like when I talked to him but when I had him as a teacher I hated his guts. And trust me there was reason for it. Not only was he one of the only professors on campus without and actual doctorate degree, he was also the teacher that gave the most homework out of any teacher I have ever had. That may seem like I am whining a little, I mean for Christ sake I was in college, but you don’t understand. This guy would give us busy work every single day and then never tell us when a test was. Then he would get pissed off when we did badly on it. He would legitimately swear and insult us for doing badly on things. For what reason I don’t know but I think that was his way of trying to be funny and/or him trying to be tough on us but it never worked. It usually just made everyone laugh and he didn’t get his point across. Not to mention he was a short man, kind of looking like George from Seinfeld. None of those reasons should really make me hate the guy though. I have said how many swear words in this book already? At least 75, so what was the difference to me? Well, honestly I think he was particularly hard on me. Maybe that’s just how I saw it, but he always critiqued my work harder than other peoples and he would always point me out if I did bad on something in front of the whole class. This one particular time I did badly on a test, and like I said he used to parade around and make a big deal out of the people who did badly on them. Well, he threw it back at me and said “here you go, you vagina, you got the worst score in class…” He was absolutely disgusted with me. I kid you not, that was the most offended I have ever been in my entire life. I am not really sure if it was the fact that he basically embarrassed me by telling everyone I got the worst grade in the class or if it was because he called me a vagina. Either way, uncalled for from an authority figure. Needless to say I dropped the class. I got to know the guy later in my collegiate career as a person, and he didn’t really offend me so much. I just expected better morals from a teacher I guess.

            That last guy didn’t even come close to how awful this professor was. He pissed me off more than any other teacher I have ever had in my entire life, and I had to have him twice for class. Imagine being a freshman in college and one of your first classes being public speaking. Though it may not seem like it, I have a huge fear of public speaking. Well, I wouldn’t really call it a fear per say, but more of something I don’t like doing. I clam up, I automatically get drenched in sweat, and I forget what I was going to say. It looks like I just got out of the pool while the sun has been beaming on me all day. It’s really awful. But never the less, I knew this was going to be an awful experience. I walk into this old ass building and I go into the room and sit down in the back of the room like I always did. I sat next to this girl name Elana who was really nice but after that class I never talked to again. She also didn’t want to take this class, but it in fact is required to graduate. By the way, I think it is absolutely ridiculous that students have to take core classes like public speaking and a certain number of math courses. How the fuck is math going to factor in with my two degrees? Oh, that’s right, it doesn’t. It has to be about money. Everything is about money. But if that was the case, they should just let the students take whatever courses they want as the other courses not dealing with the classes in your actual degree field. It just doesn’t make sense to me why I had to take 3 sciences. I am God awful at science. It doesn’t make any sense to me and it never will, so I always felt the need to bitch about that.

            American decent. It took everything out of me to sit through night class and try and listen to this asshole try and teach me how to public speak because I couldn’t understand him. Something tells me it was a bad decision on their part to hire this dick for that job. I could teach the dam class better than he could because PEOPLE CAN UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH! It wasn’t just that though. We had to do a certain number of speeches during the semester. He would sit in the back of the room and often fall asleep and then just give that person a C on their speech even though it was very good. I did a speech on music styles and he gave me a C because I watched the guy literally fall asleep right before my eyes. He would also set a time limit on the speeches which really pissed me off. I really think that’s what got me so nervous because I had to keep it within the time limit or else your grade goes down.  But all I am saying is the guy was an asshole and should be allowed to teach.

            My friend Drew also had this guy for a teacher and he thought the same things. So we started making fun of him like we usually did with things. It was sort of our specialty actually. Anything that came across us we most likely made fun of at one point or another. Nothing was safe. But this guy, meaning the teacher, had some flamboyant movements about him. When the class was over instead of saying the class was over, he would clap his fucking hands above his head twice. I remember the first time it happened and no one knew what the hell was going on. So of course we mocked the hell out of that all of the time. But the one thing we made fun of the most was how he talked. It’s a little racist I know, but shit its hilarious. We used to just make things up that he would say and make some sort of clicking sound with it. I actually modeled my voice after the clicky noise the aliens made in the movie “Signs”. Hiiiiiiiiiiiilarious. He would also come into class in the traditional African garb, which in my opinion is outlandish. He would wear things like this…

That guy is not my teacher… if you were wondering… But someone needs to teach him how to dress. Blue on blue? Come on bro…

            Then there were the teachers that made me feel like a complete ass instead of infuriating me. Though both of those teachers made me feel like asses sometimes, this man made me feel like it intellectually rather than just degrading. He was one of the teachers in my field, so I actually had him a couple of times. My freshman year I had him for this class in a auditorium room so there were a lot of people. He would come in every single day and do the same exact thing. An extreme creature of habit obviously, he would come in, set his things down on the table, erase the board, and then take his Pepsi out and take a sip before starting the class. He would literally drink a Pepsi every class without fail… until one day… He took out a Coke! I actually asked him why he had Coke that day… they were just simply out of Pepsi. The reason this man made me feel like such an incompetent prick was that the main way he graded. He graded mainly on these ridiculously hard to write papers.

            He wouldn’t even grade your papers unless they were up to snuff. Literally, the class I had to take my senior year with him was a class where you could only get an F,C,or an A… Being that I was a B student I was basically fucked. When you would turn in a paper, you would get it back with some corrections, but no more than like five of them. Then he would stop and give it back the next class with either nothing or a grade on it. I never got a grade on a paper… that man scared the shit out of me.

            The guy was also a dick too. I was a peer mentor and he was the advisor for the peer mentoring program in our field. We used to have meetings every month that were mandatory and they used to buy pizzas. At the end of the meeting there was a pizza with three or so slices left. My friend drew and I were the last ones leaving the room because we were discussing something. The guy comes up to me and says… by the way I forgot to mention this guy has the deepest southern drawl I have ever heard… “Greg, now I know you can eat the last slice of pizza.” I guess because I am a bigger dude that means I can feast on pizzas at the drop of a dime. Like, how fucking rude is that? I honestly had no idea how to respond to that. I wouldn’t consider myself fat. Maybe a little overweight, but not fat. Should I have said to him… “now I know you could eat a loaf of cornbread, you southern piece of trash.”

Other than teachers there were many other people I met during my time in school that really aggravated me. My freshman year I lived in a dorm with mostly women. So that was awesome. But there was this really hot blond at the end of the hall that was a real cunt. I know girls get offended by that word, but trust me, there is no other word for her. She would strut around with her gigantic roommate thinking she was queen of the land. But apparently one day she was talking to my roommate Brad and she was trying to figure out who his roommate was… me. This is how he explained it… “She was thinking about who my roommate was. Then she went “oh” the… and she gave me the fat sign.” The fat sign, if you have no idea what I am talking about, is when you round your arms at your side and make a flapping motion, signifying the roundness of a person’s body. When he told me this I was dumbfounded. Literally dumbfounded, especially when you put her roommate next to me. In comparison, when we stood next to each other, I looked like Woody Allan, but less Jewish, and she looked like Mama Cass, but with an extra 100 pounds. But she is doing this??? What a good looking douche bag she was…

Besides stupid blond bitches, there were many other people I didn’t like. In fact, we made it a point our first couple of years to sit in the student center and people watch so we could come up with new material. We had many people of whom we made fun of and gave nicknames but we did it for good reason. For one, it’s damn hilarious. Two, they did something to piss me off at one time. And three, I am a mean son of a bitch.

1.      The Careening Crippler- This is mean, and I know this… but this was a dude on campus that was in a wheelchair and needed one of those electronic talking boards to communicate. You know the one where the person has to type the word or phrase in and then the computer says it. But he used to ride around campus in this wheelchair that I swear to God was souped up. It would go at least 15 mph. He would literally drive as fast as he could, taking up the entire sidewalk, and just flail his arms around shrieking his little crippled lungs off. But the bad thing was, if you would sit back and watch him he would actually make a b-line for people. I think it was a little game for him. We actually saw him knock down some people before and then make this retarded war cry. Hence the name “careening” crippler.  What are you going to say to him? You can’t yell at or hit a cripple. It’s unpatriotic.

2.      The Boulders- These two people really didn’t make me angry, per say, but more or less they annoyed the living hell out of me. They were two African American women who always hung out together and sort of looked the same too. They weren’t related, as far as we knew. But they would not walk like normal people. They would sort of rock from side to side because they were so big. I would kind of describe it as the character Pom Pom from Homestar runner.

 

That is a good example of what they looked like. But that is not what annoyed me. What annoyed me was how fucking loud they were. They would scream at the top of their lungs through out the campus. You knew exactly who was coming because it just echoed wherever they were. And the name “the boulders” obviously came from the fact that they were so fat you most likely could roll them down the hill.

3.      Gray skull- This guy was one of our peers and would literally butt his nose into our business constantly. It was soooooo annoying. He is one of those people that would literally do anything on the planet to earn your friendship and your attention. Don’t you hate those people? Honestly I would rather die alone than be one of those people. But the reason we called him gray skull was because of his hair. It was one of the weirdest things I have ever seen now that I think about it. He had a set of longer dark brown hair but in the back was a tiny strip of gray hair. It was like a 3cm by 3cm box of gray hair. It didn’t make any sense.

4.      Danny- Speaking of butting into other people’s business, this kid took the cake. Not only did he like to do this, he also thought he was the funniest person alive. He would actually raise his hand in class just to say a witty comment. Then he would do one of the most embarrassing social flaws ever, look around and see if anyone laughed. But his comments were just that awful. Not funny one bit. On top of all of those things, he also dressed like an asshole hipster. You know the type… sweaters over t-shirts in the dead of summer. The tightest jeans possible. Black framed glasses. Asshole wear is what I call it. BY the way, his name isn’t even Danny. We just called him that to be funny. We always made a joke that he would make a witty joke and then the teacher would freak out on him. He was in one of our classes with that teacher I mentioned before with the southern accent. We would always do an impression of him saying “shut the fuck up Danny!” Hilarity would ensue.

5.      Double D- No this is not what you are thinking, you dirty dirty mind. It has to do with the movie industry. Ben Affleck once made a terrible movie called Daredevil, based off of the comic book obviously. There was a man who worked for the school in the food court area who sort of looked like Ben Affleck. One fine day when we stopped to get some food he was working the Mexican food stand, which is where we went a lot for lunch. Their tacos were tremendous by the way. They used to put this scrumptious rice with cilantro in it that just made it mouth watering… anyways…He was some sort of supervisor or something so it was sort of funny seeing him working behind the counter to begin with. I am not sure why we gave him the nickname though. Maybe it’s just because he looked like Ben Affleck, or maybe he messed up one of our orders. I don’t really recall.

6.      Law School-This girl was an interesting character. Not only was she ugly as sin, but she was conceded. She was in my freshman composition class and she sat a couple of seats away from me. We had to write our first paper, of which I don’t remember what it was about, and we got in these groups to help edit out first draft. I was in a group with this girl. She was alright at first, until she started jerking around my writing style and what my paper was about. So I started making fun of her writing style and nitpicking her paper. She got pissed off, said “I don’t need this, I went to law school,” and never talked to me again. First ad foremost, if you went to law school then why the fuck were you at Cal U? No offense to my Alma Mater, I love it dearly, but obviously you were to dumb to stay in law school. And secondly, you’re a lying sack of shit.

7.      Sim Wang- Sim Wang didn’t really piss us off, he was just hilarious. He was this short little chubby Asian dude who always looked devious and would never speak. He would just waddle down the halls looking every which way but forward and would put his head down to his chest, making an awful looking double chin. But the one thing that always stuck out to me at least was this futuristic looking hand held game console he was always playing with. I honestly think he was straight out of Japan and had the next generation of gaming in his hand and no one knew it.

8.      The forty year old virgin- We have absolutely no proof this man was a virgin, but I did know he was forty years old. I can sort of assume though that he was a forty year old virgin. He looked exactly like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite also, which is hilarious. I talked to this man many times and I learned that he had multiple degrees and has traveled the world. But what really made me mad was the fact that he was able to do this without a damn job. He has not stopped going to college since he started back when he was out of high school. I wish I could do things like this. But you know, normal people need jobs and money. I guess he was just independently wealthy or something. You know what I have to say about that? Screw him.

9.      Detroit- Detroit was one of those stereotypical guys that I love to hate. Those typical front runner jack asses. He wears anything that is in style, basically strolling through life without his own identity. Well, what the hell am I saying… I only wore plain white t-shirts for four years of my life. But he would wear all trendy clothes and then a Detroit Tigers hat every day. He was, in fact, not from Detroit. Fucking a.

10.      Lazy Lips- This character was in a class of mine which was also in an auditorium setting. He sat a row in front of me and was the only damn person who would ask questions. That is fine, but the fact that he had a speech impediment wasn’t. He did, in fact, have very lazy lips and his sentences sounded like someone speaking French underwater.  Had no idea what he was saying half of the time. If my voice was like that I wouldn’t speak. Ever.

11.      The Joker- The joker has nothing to do with the comic book character. She was a girl in the same class as Lazy Lips. My friends Danielle, Brad, and Drew all sat with me in this class so needless to say it was a lot of fun. She would listen in on our conversations, like a creepy ass, and then when she thought something was funny her head would turn like the Exorcist and make the happiest face I have ever seen in my life. She was like the fucking Cheshire cat. It was terrifying. And this wasn’t every once in a while. If you knew my friends and I, we are funny people. So it was up to five times a class. Ew. That’s all I really have to say about that.

12. Team Nutz- Last but certainly not least is team nutz. They were a couple redneck girls who lived across the hall from us. They were just some good ol’ girls livin’ a dream. They were loud, obnoxious, and not friendly, so we obviously didn’t like them very much. But all of a sudden, one day, they had like eight stickers on their door saying “Team Nutz.” What the fuck is team nutz? Anything that is spelled wrong is already stupid in my book, but I guess they wanted to portray how nuts they actually were by rebelliously spelling a word wrong. And trust me, these girls were anything but nuts. They were just bitches. Honestly… what the hell does team nutz even mean…

Now I know this is sort of mean of us, but something had to keep us sane with all of these douchers around us. In fact, most of the people we made fun of, such as Sim Wang, were probably perfectly normal people. They were just fodder for us to enjoy. Do I feel bad about it? Not really. In fact I make rash decisions about people every day. There is not one day that passes by in my life where I don’t see someone new and make an assumption about them. Most of the time its either one of two things, either “man he looks like an asshole” or “man is she hot.” It’s just how men’s brains work… trust me.

But speaking of assholes, and putting all assumptions aside, one of the dumbest things you could possibly do to enhance your college experience is joining Greek life. I know it’s the stereotypical “cool” thing to do, but I think it’s the stereotypical lame as shit thing to do. Mostly everyone I have ever met who has joined a frat is a complete dick. They are just looking to stick their penis into any wet hole they can find and wash their brain cells away with homemade moonshine. Notice I did not say sorority, because I haven’t met many girls who actually were assholes in it. So I am obviously making a large rationalization. But seriously though, most of them suck. They all walk around with those stupid shirts that say what frat they are in, like anyone cares. What I think is funny though, as I stated before, is that they have to actually pay to be in these things. Yes they get picked to be in frats, and yes they become brothers eventually, but then they have to pay the fees to get in. Not only do they have to pay the fees every single month to have those lame as shit “friends” and they also have to pay for their clothing that they sport. Instead of those shirts, they should be wearing a shirt like the one below, that I designed.

I remember I went to two frat parties when I was in school. Why didn’t I go to more? Because I couldn’t stand to be in those dirty ass places any longer. Sure there are drunk good looking women in them and sure I could probably take advantage of them like most of those dicks do, but that’s called sexual assault my friends. Ask Ben Roethlisberger how that one goes. And not only that, why the hell do I have to pay a cover charge when at the time I wasn’t going to drink anything. I literally sat in the corner with the guy I mentioned before, JJ, and made sly comments about the idiotic people there. Honestly, you people have nothing better to do on a Thursday night? There is some good programming on television on that night people… Sheesh…

Yes there have been some famous people in frats, but famous people suck too, everyone. Let’s name a few shall we…

1.      Aston Kutcher- This guy was in Delta Chi, and he is a classic case of someone I can most likely assume is an asshole. Look at him. I can’t stand his haircut first and foremost, I can’t stand anything he has ever done in the media, and I can’t stand those fucking camera commercials he does. I have one word for you, Punk’d… enough said.

2.      Dr. Seuss- Suess was a member of Sigma Phi Epsilon and is a classic example of a college frat dude. He learned nothing from his college experience. What did he major in? Nonsense? Those books make absolutely no sense. Sure, they were fun to read when we were children but have you read them lately? Check out this nugget of joy from Suess… “And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed.” What the hell does that even mean man…

3.      Kevin Eubanks- If this name doesn’t sound familiar to you, it’s because it shouldn’t. He is that dude that sits and listens to Jay Leno’s awful jokes and stuttering and laughs at everything. God I hate that show… By the way he was in Kappa Alpha Psi.

4.      David Spade- Has David Spade ever made anything good? The answer is, no. In fact, that’s all I got on this one. He was a member of Sigma Alpha Epsilon.

5.      Bill Belichick- Don’t even get me started on this asshole. I’ll talk plenty about him later, trust me on that one. He was a member of Chi Psi, and everyone probably hated him there too.

          Other than frats though, there was plenty of other things to get involved in at the university. I was a member of a couple integral parts of the university and I am proud to say I did a great job at all of them. One of them I was a member of, and probably the funniest if you actually know me, was the university mentoring program. I was a member for the three years that I was eligible to be a part of it and “mentored” three individuals. Only one of them I got sort of close to and we still talk every once in a while, but the program was sort of a joke. The idea of it was a good one but no one ever used it correctly. I wasn’t even sure how to offer my services to these people. I basically gave them my information and said if you need anything call me. I just figured it would be easier for them to figure it out themselves.  I did and turned out just great. I mainly just stuck it out for the three years so I could put it on my resume’ and because they gave you a leather briefcase if you stayed the full three years. I got that leather briefcase and I use it every once in a while. It’s actually pretty nice and I really didn’t have to do anything for it. 

            Another activity I was in was the university choir. This was sort of an honor to me because I had to try out to be in it. I know I am a damn good singer and I love getting recognition for it. Sort of conceded I know, but hell if you got it flaunt it. I was proud to be in this group because we were damn good. But I did learn a lot about people while in this cluster fuck of weirdo’s. For one, I realized a lot of nerdy men sing. I don’t consider myself to be a conventional nerd though. I consider myself to be a cool nerd which is vastly superior to a regular nerd. I can actually talk to women, I wear normal clothing, and I am not lame. I also realized a lot of people liked to kiss the ass of the man/woman in charge. I swear every time I walked into that building there was a line out of the director’s office for some reason. I could understand if it was for a good reason but it was usually just to shoot the shit or ask them if they needed anything done. I just minded my own business and I think that’s why the director took a liking to me. That and the fact that I basically have the voice of an angel… I also realized, and most importantly, a lot of women in choirs think they are singing a fucking opera. Cool it with the vibrato ladies. It’s called blend and that’s usually what works best in a choir setting. Speaking of vibrato, I remember this one asshole who was in the choir my freshman year. We used to call him preacher man because he used to preach to everyone how much better he was than them. For some reason he got handpicked for all of the solos, and I say for some reason because his vibrato was so outrageous. Just think of it this way… If Santa Clause could sing, preacher man’s vibrato would sound like Santa’s  ho ho ho’s. It’s like he was literally just punching his vocal chords while he hit a note. It was absolutely appalling to listen to. And not only that, he thought he was God’s gift to women. So not only did he have a terrible vibrato, he was cocky as all hell. I literally wanted to punch him in the ear every time I saw him. I still would if I saw the guy.

            The other big thing I was involved with was the campus radio station. Readers, this was the only place on the entire campus where literally everyone who was involved was cool. Sure, some of them were a bit odd, but we all shared one thing in common, rock and roll. They were all hilarious people to boot, so needless to say I had to get involved. Me and my good friend Drew decided to train and get our own show on the air because we knew it would be absolute gold. And that it was. After doing the proper training, getting our four hour time slot, and getting our cast together, everything after that was history. I am not exaggerating to say that we arguably had the best show on the station, and I could get a lot of people to back me up on that. I was the shows main producer and main voice. Hence it being called the Jackson Brown show. We had a couple people on the air with us over the years as well who added a lot to the show. Besides the main people, we also had my good friends Luke (who was on the air with us for 2 years), Danielle (who was on for about a year and a half), and Jeremy (who was on and off for about a year). They all added their own pizzazz to the show and made it what the legend is today. Luke was our anchor. He was the wacky one who always had something outrageous to say or some weird fact to give. Danielle was the girl perspective and was a perfect blend to my rude humor. She would keep me in line and also do some funny memorable characters like Wendy, who was in love with Drew when he did the weather from the helicopter, and Shaniqua, who would report from the bar scene down town. Jeremy added his crude humor to the show, like how he had a fetish for oneseys, and would also do his weekly segment called Jiving with Jeremy. We had hardware to back it up too. The show won rookie of the year and two best night time slot awards. It was truly three of the best years of my life just because of that experience. But being that this is a book about things that piss me off, there has to be something that the station provided to me that pissed me off.

            The more and more I thought about this there were a few things that pissed me off. Some were emotionally attached to me and some weren’t. But there were a few. First of all, for some reason the station was built on top of the septic tank. Whoever’s idea it was to build it there is a fucking tard because the pipe busted at least 4 times during my time there and soiled the carpet with a stench that can only be described as dreadful. I wish I was joking, but I am far from joking. The septic tank literally leaked in the studio. There was actual shit on the carpet where I broadcasted from. They would fix the pipe and clean it up as best they could, but like I said the stench in that studio was unbearable at times. I think we missed one or two shows because of that piece of crap pipe. Also, these people had no respect for anything. If something was bought for the studio or something was left, it was fair game. For example… When no one was on the air we would put on a robot that would just constantly play music. Its name was Arn. So as a funny joke, someone bought a WWE legend Arn Anderson action figure to put in the studio. During the next few weeks he would lose appendage after appendage. No one really knew who was doing it, but I know for sure it wasn’t me. Honestly people, what are you doing? Are you six years old? Do you have to throw things and break them? Why don’t you buy some crayons and write on the wall while you’re at it. Sounds like a grand old time. I bought a couple things for the station and they ended up broken. It was absolute anarchy. Nothing new ever stayed new for more than an hour because the people in the studio after you would just wipe their ass with it and then stomp on it a few times before they put it under a Bunsen burner. Then they would rip it in half and blame it on someone else. Maturity at its finest.

 These people were far from clean either. I think in the three years I was on the air, I was the only person to make an actual effort to dust and sweep the studio and actually make it smell sort of ok. I put a Fabreeze down there and some smelly plug ins to break the smell of shit at your ankles. There was also one event that really makes me mad to this day that will probably haunt me for a very long time.

            I was on a charity event broadcast where a few jocks were locked in the studio for three days to raise money for a charity my junior year of college. The best of the best jocks are put in this thing so it is sort of an honor. It’s one of those things in your life you will never forget and I remember the exact time of day it happened. I’d like to think there are not many of those things that happen in your life, but this is one of them. It’s like it’s stamped into my brain. Let’s first take into consideration that at this time in my life I was engaged. I was engaged to who I thought was the love of my life. Obviously that is not true now a days, but the only time I ever questioned that fact was when I had a chance encounter with this girl. The broadcast started on a Thursday night and went through to Sunday. This fateful event happened on Saturday around 4pm. This is just about when everyone starts to get a little irritable because they haven’t showered and have only eaten pretzels and snack cakes for a whole day. But I was on the air because we took turns being that there were five of us and we were doing a contest for some movie tickets. This girl, whom I have never met in my life called in and won the tickets and was on her way down to pick them up. She walked in, with her boyfriend of course, and it was like time stopped. I honestly have never seen anything like her before. I had never been so smitten with anyone in my life just on first site then I was with this girl. Frankly, one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. Well she stuck around for almost a whole day after that and we got to know her. She not only was absolutely stunning, but she was super cool to boot. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t get the girl out of my head. Well after that event I got to become pretty close with her and we became good friends. We have hung out a couple of times since then but I have never gotten a shot with her, which really sucks. The thing that makes me angry though is the guy that she is currently with. Not only is she madly in love with him, he’s not at all interesting and he looks like this…

 

That’s why things piss me off so much. The universe sometimes doesn’t make sense to me people. It just doesn’t make sense. I know I’m not Brad Pitt, but Jesus… The girl might be the coolest girl I have ever met and she’s dating a guy less interesting than an incline plane… Typical.

On a completely different note, college is really expensive. And you know what’s funny about that? I have absolutely no idea why it is. Actually, if you break down the numbers, college wasn’t that expensive, everything else was. The food plan, the activities fee, and the worst were the living arrangements. The food plan was really expensive and the food wasn’t even that good. I guess when you are cooking for that many people it can’t be the best, but I wish they would tried a little more. Now if you know me, you know that I am one of the pickiest eaters in the world. With that in mind, it was kind of an adventure going into the food court. Literally everything they made had either onions or peppers in it. That is no exaggeration. So I tried going the safe route. The safe route for me was either cereal, which I adore, or the pasta bar, which was sometimes pretty good. But for some fucking reason there was always weird shit in the pasta too. Honestly, who the hell puts peas in their pasta? That is the dumbest thing I have ever seen. No one is going to eat that people. Not only does 90% of the nation not like peas, but nothing has ever and will ever be good mixed with them. Trust me. They taste like body odor. So my meals usually consisted of cereal and a salad. Unless it was Friday of course. Lunchtime on Friday was something I always looked forward to because it was the best meal that the place made. They always had fish with macaroni and cheese. It was unreal. Not only that, lunchtime always had grilled cheese. I don’t say this about many things but their grilled cheese was out of this world. I think it had something to do with the fake butter stuff they used. But seriously, other than those things, nothing was ever good. I think I even had tofu there once. I don’t even know what the hell tofu is.

The activities fee was also something we had to pay and that went towards the activities and events that would happen during the semester. I think it ended up being like $750 which may not seem like much but in the big picture it is. That’s $750 from thousands of people. That could bring in some cool acts right? Wrong… It brought in stupid shit like this a bunch of speakers that no one gave a shit about. It brought in lame bands that no one ever heard of. It brought in a man who put on a trivia game show that no one participated in. But it did bring sooooome slightly large names in. But honestly if you can find one person who cares about this act now I will give you my pay check for the next month. Acts like Fat Joe. Is he even still alive? I think he leaned back to far and fell off the cliff of mediocrity. Oh they brought in the Poverty Neck Hillbillies like 37 times a year though. Man they were a bargain. I think the coolest thing they ever brought in was this dude named the regurgitator. I swear to God he would swallow things like billiard balls and then throw them back up. This went on for two hours or so. An amazing show actually.

Paying for a dorm room was by far the most expensive thing about your college experience. Not only do most college dorms suck, they are also to damn expensive. For my college experience though, I can honestly say the dorms didn’t suck. In fact they were quite extravagant compared to some college dorms. I have seen some that were literally just a 10x10 room made of cinder blocks. Ours were completely furnished and really nice. But they were still really expensive. I lived on campus my freshman year in building b. B stood for to “b”ad for you no one gave enough money to name this building yet. Those were some good times. Some of my best college memories, I know I have said this like nine times already, came in that building. Like playing this ridiculous chariot racing game with my friend Carlos at 3am and laughing so hard it woke up a lot of people on the floor. Oh good memories… But then this wacky thing called the dorm room lottery happened and unfortunately I didn’t get picked. What a brilliant idea by the way… over book the dorms with new people so you have to have a lottery for the old people. Fucking brilliant you idiots. Never the less, I was basically on the streets unless I wanted to pay about $500 a month in rent for off campus housing. So I paid $500 a month on off campus housing.

This may have not been the smartest thing to do. Though the apartment was sort of nice, I had to share it with three other people. By the way, it wasn’t $500 a month for the apartment; it was $500 for my room. There were four rooms in this place. That’s $2000 a month this joint is raking in from each room. There were 32 of these apartments in each building. If you quickly do the math that’s roughly $64,000 from each building per month. Let’s spread that over a year and see how much they make. There were ten buildings with the same amount of rooms as well. That makes it $640,000 a month on rent from these people. That means they make a grand total of about $7,680,000 on rent from us college students just from the off campus housing. Now if that’s not a ridiculous figure, I don’t know what is. Look at it this way. I went to a mid level school. Just think how much money a big time school makes on rent. The numbers would boggle my mind.

But like I said, the place was nice in a dorm roomy kind of way. I lived there in the same apartment and same room for the remaining years of my college life. I kept it neat and tidy and smelling like clean linen. At least, that’s what the plug in scent was. Everything was going great until one crucial Christmas break.

            I stopped by the apartment shortly after the Christmas holiday to pick up something. We still had about two weeks left off during the winter break because it was unnecessarily long. As soon as I opened the door the smell hit me. It was a familiar smell. One of which comes out of your shoes when they are wet and are just starting to dry. It’s an awful smell… Some people may call this familiar stench mildew. And there obviously was a major case of it in our apartment. I hadn’t turned out of the foyer to see where it was coming from yet because I was sort of afraid to. But I obviously had to at some point. I turned the corner and low and behold our roof had sprung a leak. Not a tiny leak either. This is what it looked like…

That thing was dripping water at a steady pace for who knows how long before I caught it. It had to have been for a while because our two couches that were right below it and the end table were absolutely soaked. It went all the way over to the fan in the middle of the room and the water pressure even caused all three of the light bulbs to burst. It was just an awful scene. So obviously step one was to get thing fixed. I called all the roommates and told them to be prepared and then got a hold of who I had to get a hold of. They said they would take care of it and well they should. Mildew is really unhealthy and is probably priority number one. Or at least it should have been. Low and behold I come back at the end of break and what do I see? Nothing was done at all. To quote the great Bill Cosby, “Needless to say I was angry.” These ass wipes were going to get this done and get it done right now. It only took three months for them to fix the roof. There quick fix in the mean time was to tear up our carpet, rendering our living quarters completely not usable, and slap a gigantic dehumidifier in the corner. Probably one of the laziest fixes I have ever witnessed in my life. We were all pissed obviously and we sent angry emails to the university daily saying we wanted our money back for those three months of anguish. And not only that, after they put in new carpet and fixed the roof, everything still smelled for months after that. It took a lot of effort on my part to get that place smelling like a bath and Body works store again. After months of trying to get money back they finally caved and said they would give us some money back. Oh they gave us some money back alright… $75… Unbelievable, that’s what that is. What they should have done, and this would have made everything better, was give us our three months of rent back. We weren’t living in a livable space at all. We were living in a damp, smelly, and loud room with that dehumidifier running. I would have been cool with that. Accidents happen and I understand that. But this is yet another example of how the education system can screw you over and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

            Parking was also an issue on campus as I am sure it is on every campus across the world. If you didn’t leave a half hour before your class and prepare yourself to drive around for 25 of those minutes to find a parking space, then you might as well have stayed home. Sometimes it doesn’t matter being that college was more laid back and they really didn’t care if you were late to class, but its common courtesy to be there on time. I hate being to things late so I am always early. I actually got that from marching band during high school. The director used to preach to us that “when you are early, you are on time.” So I always used that mantra with everything I have done. But seriously, if there are roughly 10,000 people who go to your school on a daily basis, let’s try to have more than 1,000 or so spaces that are available. They have recently fixed that somewhat by building a parking garage, but the students who use it have to pay an hourly rate which is absolutely ludicrous in my opinion. It’s like the people who designed the campus watched a little too much science fiction and thought by the time that almost every person owned a car we would be teleporting to campus. Either that or they are just dumb. Imp actually going to go with option number two.

            All in all, with all of the shitty teachers, all of the douche baggery that went on, and my awful experiences with my living quarters, I would have to say I had some of the best times of my life at college. I met many wonderful people and had many memorable experiences during my time there. In fact I honestly think that everyone should go to college. You learn almost everything you need to know about life while you are there. You live on your own for the first time, which can be enough shock to some people to make them go in the fetal position. I saw a couple people drop out because of that fact. You learn how to cook, which can be an extensive learning process for some. You learn how to manage your time. There are many more things you learn which is really important to the growing up process.  But just like anything there were things that pissed me off. If you couldn’t tell by now, it’s almost a given that anywhere I go or anything I do, there is going to be something that is going to get my blood boiling. Case in point…

Coming up... chapter 7... Bad Odors