Chapter 4: Driving

Chapter 4

Driving

There may be nothing in this book that pisses me off more than this subject. I consider myself a good driver. Other people may think differently of this, but I think I am quite skilled at this particular act. I mean come on, how hard is it? I remember the first time I ever sat behind the wheel to try and drive. It was like I had been doing it all of my life. Even when I parallel parked for the first time, it wasn’t perfect but I did a damn good job for my first effort. And not only was I good at it, I enjoyed doing it. There are few things in life that I actually like doing and driving is one of them. If gas wasn’t so damn expensive, I would literally get in my car and just go. There is something wholesome and nostalgic about getting in my car, cranking some awesome tunes, and just going down a road I have never been on before. But with everything good and pure, there is an evil that goes right along with that. That’s just a proven fact.

These evil evil things are called laws. A lot of laws are stupid and that is no one else’s opinion by my own. There is no doubt about it that these laws are put in place to keep people safe, and I understand this, but I don’t have to go agree with them. Take for example the law that says you can only pass someone on the left side of a two lane highway. Why? Why is it we can’t pass on the right? Is there a reason, other than more order on the road? I really don’t think so, because things were working just great before they added that law into the system oh about ten years ago. Are you telling me that the roads were absolute insanity before they added that law just because people were passing on the right hand side of the road? Now that just sounds unreal to me. Well I got news for you kiddos, I still pass on the right hand side of the road and there is absolute nothing you can do about it. Suck on that for a while.

How about the red yield sign, because I have absolutely no idea what the purpose of it is. They got rid of the yellow yield sign to make way for the red yield sign, and they never really explained why. Let’s look at a picture of each in their natural habitats to see if there is a difference…

 

Just as I thought, can’t tell a damn thing. I wouldn’t be able to tell you the difference if I tried. In fact, I have actually mentioned this to people and they can’t even remember there being such things as a yellow yield sign. I guess people really didn’t pay attention to the color of the sign. But let’s look at the word yield for a second. When I think of that word, I think I am going to be cautious when doing something that you need to be cautious about. What a concept. That’s why they are called yield signs and that’s why they are put where they are. Now let’s look at these forth mentioned colors of the yield signs. I am banking on the fact that they based an original yield sign off of the middle color of a traffic light. Yellow on a traffic light means, slow the hell down because red is coming up. A yellow yield sign means slow the hell down because you are driving into moving traffic. Makes sense right? Now what the fuck does a red yield sign mean? Red is the universal color for stop. Even on the traffic light, red means stop. So you are telling me making a yield sign red makes sense? It completely contradicts the point of a yield sign. When they first put them into circulation I wasn’t sure if I had to stop or not, and in fact I am still unsure. But I don’t make the laws, Uncle Sam does. Who am I to point out stupid flaws in the system.

            Another sign that just gets me is the hidden driveway sign. Why would this sign bother me so much? Well it’s the simple fact that I can never find the damn driveways. I don’t know about you, but whenever I see a sign for a hidden driveway, I haphazardly look around for that said hidden driveway. I want to know where that thing is damn it. For what reason, I have no idea. I just need to know. You would generally find these signs on back country roads, so if you don’t really drive them you wouldn’t know what they look like. For those people, this is a hidden driveway sign…

 

Now this is what I don’t get. They literally post these things feet from the driveway, basically giving you no time to react to it even if there was a damn car coming out of it. So what’s the point really? There is no damn point. That’s my point… I remember this one specific sign I would see on my way to college. I must have seen this thing hundreds of times and I literally could never find it. It must have been really hidden well. I guess in this case the sign was needed. There cant be many of these around though. I mean, I may have seen ten in my day. I guess, if you look at the perfect world, it really doesn’t make sense to build a hidden driveway. Only idiots would do it really. I just chuckle when I think about them missing their house every time. Amateurs.

The speed limit is also incredibly stupid. The top speed limit in Pennsylvania is 65 miles per hour, about 10-15 less than it should be in some places. Route 119, which is right next to my home town, has a speed limit between 55 and 65 mph. It’s literally a complete straight shot with no dips or wide turns wherever it is you may be going. So you are telling me that the fastest I can safely go is 65? I can do that in my sleep. I have hit 85 easily on that road without even knowing. The only problem is that it is only two lanes so I could see that maybe being the reason for it only being 65 but I don’t think it needs to be that low. People need to just stop being pussies and drive like they have a pair. I’m not saying it should be like the autobahn, I am saying that adding 5-10 mph onto the current speed limit wouldn’t hurt and still would be quite safe.

            How about traffic laws that people need to learn how to obey? There are a lot of them. The one that by far gets me riled up the most is what I just talked about, speed limits. If people aren’t going to obey them then honestly they should have their license taken away. There is a road near me, for the life of me I have no idea the name of it, but people literally go 30 and it is a 45. Now this is consistent. I don’t understand it at all because it’s not just a peppering of people here and there doing it, it’s all the fucking time. This is a main road I have to take to get to just about anywhere too. I ride people asses so they get the point, I don’t really care honestly. Another one is the dreaded right turn on red rule. I swear when people turn the age of 60 they completely disregard this rule and just sit at the red light. You would think that by that age, you are afraid you are running out of time and you would actually want to skip a damn light but no… they just sit there and waste my fucking time. It literally outrages me when this happens and it never fails that I always hit one of these jackasses when I am running late. So what do I do? Something that any angry bastard would do in that situation lay on the horn. I lay on the horn till they realize their fault and fix it. It’s really sort of funny to watch because they realize you are honking at them and you can actually see them trying to figure out why you are honking at them. Right on red is near the last thing they think of almost every time. It’s really maddening.

            Speaking of growing a pair a few paragraphs or so back, and to get off the subject of stupid traffic laws, lets talk about weather for a little while. Weather scares people to no ends. It keeps people locked inside their house like there is a horde of robbers outside their house waiting for them to make a wrong move. It’s retarded. If there is just one speck of snow falling from the sky, people panic like the Hindenburg is falling on top of their new puppy. They hurry up, grab their coat, make a quick list of the essentials and speed to the super market. The list consists of these things and ONLY these things. This is essential for survival when there is ANY amount of snow on the ground…

1.      Bread

2.      Eggs

3.      Toilet Paper

4.      Milk

 This is all you need to survive a snow flurry and if you didn’t know that then you have probably felt the harsh truths of your idiocy during the winter of 2009. Now take into consideration, this is the only time these people will ever speed too. These are the very people who putts down the road when it’s 90 and sunny out, but if there is a threat of fucking snow they fly down the damn road. If there is snow in the forecast, they HAVE to get to the store and they HAVE to get these things. So laws don’t exist when there is snow in the forecast, just so you know. Now this is only when there is a threat of snow.

God forbid there is actually a dusting on the ground. If there is actually snow on the ground everyone is a damn shut in. They can’t go out, for any reason, life or death. Someone literally could be dyeing and it just doesn’t matter. It was their time and they should have known it was coming because there were snow flurries. These people are pompous pricks. When the month of November hits, this is all they care about. My parents, and everyone else of the age of forty, are crowded around their television sets waiting for the ten day forecast so they can plan their week accordingly. They live and die by 32 degrees Fahrenheit. And holy hell, be ready to feel the wrath of every adult in the world if you go out when it’s snowing.

If you make it to your car without falling to your death… then you have to worry about the few people who actually aren’t afraid of driving in the snow. Well, actually there are types of people who will drive if its snowing. There are the people who aren’t fazed by the white stuff, the people who are cautious, and the people who are deathly afraid of it but have to drive in it. I am one of the people who just doesn’t give a shit about the snow. It doesn’t faze me one bit. I drive like I normally do, which is not like a fucking idiot and/or lunatic. I drive the speed limit down the road, just to be safe of course, and I don’t try to pass someone unless they themselves are not going the speed limit. By that I mean mostly everyone who is driving on the road when it’s snowing. For some reason people think that the speed limit plummets from 65mph to 25mph. So I have to deal with this when I drive to work. These are the forth mentioned people who are deathly afraid to drive in the snow people. You look at them while you pass them and they look the part to. If I had time to analyze their faces, I would probably think that their lives are literally flashing before their eyes every time they see another car on the road. This is sort of what they look like…

 

I am telling you they all look like that… Now like I said, I don’t drive like an idiot in the snow, but apparently some people do. I swear some people just jerk their steering wheel back and forth because that’s the only possible way people could end up in some of these wrecks I have seen. I just saw and SUV flipped on its roof on the way to work. I am not even exaggerating. And yes it was snowing, but how the hell do you even do that? I could see if there was another car involved, but there wasn’t. This had to be how the scenario went… They were driving very cautiously down the highway and they hit a patch of snow. They panicked, and like a jackass they thought they were sliding so they jerked the wheel in the other direction, then hitting some ice, lost control, and somehow flipped over perfectly. Sound plausible to me… That was their face in the above picture, except they shit themselves. But seriously, science couldn’t even fucking figure that one out. 

          Some people aren’t really worried about the snow really, it’s the “black ice”. What the hell is this black ice everyone is talking about? I honestly have never seen any black ice in my life. And no I am not talking about the 2009 AC/DC album because I have heard of that. Apparently it is more deadly than a gun because people who drive literally have nightmares about this stuff. Yes, I have slid before, and it is not a big deal. If that was the notorious black ice, then it could have fooled me. I wish there were people that just shouted ambiguous warning shouts to people driving through black ice. Being that I have no idea where or what exactly it is, apparently everyone else knows. So why not pay some poor schmuck to yell at the cars that are going slow enough to hear them, “ WATCH OUT” or “HEADS UP.” That would be hilariously entertaining, yet it would probably cause more accidents because then people would panic and jerk on their wheels like friging idiots. I understand, out of the millions of people on this earth, I may be the only one who has never had problems driving in snow and black ice. Does that make me a better person? Yes, it does. It makes be a spectacular driver. And I am damn proud of that fact.

Some people may say that I have road rage, and yes sometimes I do. It just matters what time of day it is, what mood I’m in, and if one of the other cars on the road pisses me off. But I think something that really has a bit to do with it is cops. Its not that I don’t like police, its just I think that sometimes they pull people over for dumb reasons. I have had two tickets in my life and both were for dumb reasons. Well in my mind they were at least. The first was during my first year of college. I was on my way home from Homestead seeing a movie with a bunch of my friends. A friend of mine named JJ was in the back seat with two other people. Not let me remind you, at this time I had a two door Olds Cutlass, so it’s not like it is a big car or anything. I have five pretty large people in there. Now JJ was complaining the entire trip how he had to go to the bathroom. So I finally got fed up with him complaining about it so I was speeding a little. I was going 82 in a 65 on a completely abandoned highway at 3 am. Why is that illegal? I honestly think if there is no one on the road at all you should be allowed to speed. It’s not going to hurt anyone. So this guy pulls me over, who by the way I didn’t see because the guy didn’t have one light on. The guy comes up with this attitude about him that I already didn’t like, and then acted like a total dick to me. I know I was speeding, this is the first time I was ever pulled over, so both JJ and I were shitting our pants. He gives me some guff about speeding, I am cooperative, and I get a ticket of almost $200. Needless to say I was livid. I also got 4 points, which from what I hear was one of the highest point totals of anyone I know who has gotten a ticket.

My second ticket came my senior year of college, so I went three years without getting one. I remember the exact day this one happened because it made me so angry when I got it. It was actually when I was coming home from Easter break, so they basically had everything scoped out. I was at the end of this off ramp which goes back into the college town. There is a stop sign at the end of it rather than those pesky red yield signs. So instead of stopping, because no one ever goes down this road, I yield and continue on my way. Little did I know there was a unmarked care up the street looking at me. He pulls me over and is kind of a dick, but nicer than the other guy. He also give me some spiel how I need to stop at stop signs, like I am a damn idiot. And then proceeds to give me a $150 ticket with no points.    

Now what I want to know is why do cops have to be such assholes? I understand your job is basically telling assholes why they are being assholes, but there are normal people such as me who are not assholes. I know what I did wrong, so why give me guff? Just tell me what I did, give me a ticket, and move along, sir. You don’t need to test my patience by sitting in your car for 20 minutes. You don’t need to play games with me dude, just do your job. Does it say in your handbook that you had to wait till the last minute to fill your quota for the month?  No it most likely doesn’t, so don’t take it out on me. Again, I have nothing against cops and I plan on never getting another ticket in my life. But when and if I do, just don’t be a douche bag about it. I know I am in the wrong.

GPS, or global positioning system (who actually knew what that stood for), is another thing that really upsets me. Though it is awfully convenient, it can be awfully retarded. I type in the damn address, making completely sure that I have spelled everything correctly, and yet some towns aren’t even in the damn thing. I don’t know if its just mine but I don’t think that’s the case. I have a really good brand. Case in point… This summer, a good friend of mine invited me over to see her baby. She was inviting a bunch of people for a barbeque. Her name is Danielle by the way, but I call her red because of her devilish red hair. Forget the fact that she lived almost two fucking hours away, when I got there I couldn’t find her house. I was looking for this house for honestly 20 minutes before I found it and that is because it told me the house was on the right side on the other end of the street. So that’s where I stopped. And to top it off, and to get on a completely other subject, why the hell don’t people have addresses on their houses? It’s like a God damn journey when you are trying to find someone’s house because you can never find the damn house number. I was a pizza delivery driver for a short time, and forget about finding the numbers on these houses. How hard is it to buy those sticky numbers for a couple dollars and stick them on your damn house? I know it looks tacky but God forbid someone is hurt in your house and an ambulance can’t find the place. I mean seriously, it’s a friging hazard let alone not being convenient for anyone but you. I guess these people don’t have anyone over ever. I don’t know, maybe I am the only one who thinks this, but although I love my GPS and I literally couldn’t live without it, I still wish it would take me exactly where I was going. Man am I picky.

Also, why the hell is it so expensive to update one of these fucking things? Like legit, for me to update the map on my GPS system, it would cost me about $100. That’s insane. You are telling me that for me to updates a few damn street name changes in my system, it is going to cost me the same or even more than a new GPS system? That’s literally the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.

How about animals? Those cute and fuzzy critters are bastards when it comes to driving. I have hit my fair share of animals in my day too. It’s like these things are stupid. They literally wait until the last minute to make a b-line for your car. Not the person in front of you or behind you, they go for your car. Murphy’s law, that’s what that is. I have hit four animals, and absolutely none of them were my fault. The first was actually a raccoon, and I remember like it was yesterday. I remember this like it was yesterday because I hit the second animal on that same night. I was actually driving to a girl’s house, whom I was dating at the time, to drop her off after going to a high school football game. Brad was with me as well and little did he know that this girl lived basically in the middle of nowhere and in the middle of the woods. On the way in there is this raccoon on the road just chilling. I leisurely miss him and continue on my way. On the way back though this idiot raccoon goes right for my car and I run him over. I freak out, being the first animal I have ever hit, while Brad laughs his ass off. By the way if you have ever heard this kids laugh, you are in for a treat, but that’s beside the point. But after the fact, we continue down the road. I am just getting a little calmed down and all of a sudden a deer runs out and runs into the side of my car. I freak out. The deer was fine and ran off, but I swear to God these animals have a death wish. The third was a little kitty cat which I felt absolutely awful about. I jumped out of some weeds, and I hope it wasn’t anyone’s pet. But last and certainly not least happened not too long ago. I had work at 6:30am so I left my house at 5:45am. This, I believe, was a Wednesday in January so that early in the morning it is still pitch black out. Hence why I hit this elusive animal.

 This particular animal I have never seen in real life outside of that moment, and really I only saw it alive for a split second. I was driving down the highway and all of a sudden a gigantic bird flies out in front of me and hits my car. I had no idea what it was until I stopped and evaluated the situation. It wasn’t a turkey. It wasn’t a flamingo. It wasn’t even a chicken, which it could have been being that there is a farm right next to where I was. It just so happened to be an owl. I hit an owl. I could have sworn these things were frigin endangered, and I just so happen to hit one of them. Trust me, just another step along my unusually hilarious life. To top it off, the fucking thing took a gigantic chunk out of my bumper. I was absolutely livid, and kind of still am. The reason I am so mad is not because I hit some stupid gigantic useless bird, but because my insurance wouldn’t pay for the damages. Like I can control when huge, rabid, rat eating birds fly in front of my car while I am going 60mph down the damn highways. Get a fucking life. Help me out for once. I only pay you over $100 dollars a month for basically no reason. Here is a picture of my actual bumper damage from hitting this stupid thing… Don’t mind the snow by the way, I was on my way to by my eggs and bread when I took this.

I will always love driving. There is no doubt about that. But I know there will always be things on the road that will piss me off. Be it stupid people, animals, or weather, it really doesn’t matter because I will always have to drive places. Just stay out of my way you stupid mother fuckers; just ask the owl community what could happen to you.