Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 12

That is right people, another week, another win. This one was a toughie though. I played the actual best record in the league this week, Space Monkey Mafia who was 10-1 at the time but ended up whooping his ass in the end 120-87. The reason I said it was actually a tough win was because of the fact that I was down  by 44 points going into Monday nights game between the Saints and the Giants. Luckily, I had two players left to play in Drew Brees and Victor Cruz. Somehow, both of them had the games of their lives, scoring 44 and 27 points respectfully. The reason I was down so much, however, was because a lot of my team did not do well this week and I had a couple candidates to choose from for the Shithead. I usually go with the lowest point getter on my team but this week it is going to be different. This week, the lowest point man was actually my kicker Jason Hanson because the Lions decided to go for a bunch of two point conversions. But I cant really pick the kicker. Its not like he can help it if he doesn't get any opportunities to kick the ball. So I am going to have to go with someone else...

Your week 12 Shithead of the week will be...

Now I have to come clean a bit here. I did not watch this game... not one minute of it. But this isn't exactly my fault either. It just wasn't televised in our area. But by looking at the stats, they sure didn't try the old ground and pound. The Falcons were literally up 17 points, and yet, they kept throwing the ball almost to a 50-50 clip. Now I know this is the new NFL where apparently you are supposed to throw the ball 85% of the time. But in my opinion, when you have a lead, you should be able to ground it out and eat some clock. The Falcons can and will do that... except for Sunday apparently. But honestly, I have nothing bad to say about Turner. This is the only really bad game he has had for me since I got him in a trade about seven weeks ago. So other than that, your week 12 shithead of the week is Michael Turner. I apparently figured it was way past due for me to be nice about something in my blog.

Racism galore

So, I was at the gym last night and I notice a commercial on the television I have not seen in years. A commercial for the incomparable, the irresistible, the unmistakable Chia pet was being played right before my eyes. It wasn't for the original sheep, pig, or hippo. It was for something very modern and, dare I say, hip. Actually... chia pets will NEVER be hip. But you will see what I am saying. Check out this video!

Are you freaking kidding me? Don't even think for a second that they didn't realize how absurdly racist that is. It makes me burst into laughter even thinking about it. Making a Chia pet of President Obama is like the company saying, "Hey everyone, every black person in the world has hair that looks like..."

I actually hear they might be releasing some other new Chia pets in this new racist series. Here are some of my suggestions.

Flava Flav

Tyler Perry

Eminem

Jay-Z

Al Sharpton

Occupy me a freaking job

Why in the hell is it so hard to find a job that makes a decent amount of money? Hell, if I wanted a job THAT bad I would totally just waltz into a burger joint, tell them my credentials, and I would have an eight hour work day ahead of me. It is actually that simple. But being an educated man, I kind of want more than that. Someone once told me that they actually thought that they wanted a career, but then quickly realized they just wanted a pay check. Well, I actually want a career AND a paycheck. Is that so hard to ask?

You know, I didn't go to college for the hell of it. I went to better myself and because society told me I had to. If I had to do it all again, and I tell this to anyone who asks, I would go to school and learn a trade. I would be almost guaranteed a well paid job and wouldn't owe a quarter of the money I owe in loans. It just makes more sense now adays. But now, all I have to show for my five years of hard work is a couple pieces of paper that look like they were made in freaking Mario Paint. I don't even think people would take me seriously if I showed them one of my degrees.

Obladi Oblada I guess. But what really got me thinking about this... like I don't think about every single day of my life anyways... is what I was discussing with my good friend and confidant Chris. You see, Chris is probably one of my smartest friends. If I have no idea what something is, I ask him, and most of the time he knows what to say. For anyone who actually knows me, they know that I know absolutely nothing about most current events. If you want to talk about something I know literally nothing about, ask me about politics. I find it annoyingly mundane and I don't give a damn about it. But what I do care about is the fact that a bunch of these people are so passionate about something , that they are willing to take massive amounts of pepper spray in their faces. That shit, my friends, is impressive. The only thing I would ever take that much pepper spray in the face for would be if someone offered me a full time job while they did that. Well, that and if it guaranteed the Pirates having a winning season. hell I would do almost anything for those things. If you haven't seen the video, be prepared to get kind of mad about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmJmmnMkuEM

The cop is all like... "You guys are just chilling on the ground? Well, TOUGH LUCK BITCHES!" Then he holds up the pepper spray like its the sword in the fucking stone and proceeds to spray everyone in the face with a painful ass solution for no reason what so ever. What an ass.

But what are they protesting? This whole thing called "Occupy Wall Street". This is exactly what I asked Chris about as well. To me, this was just another one of those protests that people do that really does nothing at all. Just a big waste of time like most protests are. But honestly, this one opened my eyes a little bit. Apparently they are protesting the fact that the country is being run by the wealthiest 1% of the nation is running the country and the other 99% are the people like you and myself, or at least that's how I understand it. Who knew, right?  So yeah, that is pretty uncool. But still, that is all I really know about the situation and to tell you the truth that is all I really WANT to know. I would go protest though. I like me a good protest, unless there was pepper spray there. Fuck that noise. 

But as I thought about it, in retrospect, this is kind of one of the reasons I don't have a full time job yet. I mean, this has to do something with the state of the economy, right? I told you people, I am completely oblivious when it comes to this crap. But all I know is of all the protests that I hope actually work, this is the one. For all the people sitting out there peacefully and getting punched in the face or arrested for no reason at all, keep on fighting the good fight. I know I wont be doing it anytime soon. I mean, I don't even know what the hell you even do in a protest. I've never felt that passionately about something to protest it. What are some things I would protest though? Hmmm...

1)Mustard

2) The Yankees

3) Prince Fielder

4) 4)     The SyFy Channel

5)   The Jersey Shore

All of those things are worth protesting. Every single one of those things have ruined my day on multiple occasions. So suck on that 1%.

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 11

Well, I would like to say another week another victory, but... I actually took a loss this week. Can you even believe it? One of the main reasons why is because I was playing one of the best teams in the league, the Philadelphia ConVICKs. Apparently, everyone on their team had the games of their lives. Some guy named Chris Ogbonnaya literally had 18 points. Who the hell is that? Vincent Jackson, who has a good game every 5, just so happened to decide to show up to work this week as well scoring 22 points. Also, that dick head Rob Gronkowski played a defense in which I myself could roam free in the Chiefs, and scored 22 freaking points. He must have slept with another porn star or something because his spirits were high that day.

I mean, it isn't like my team didn't play well. Half of my damn team were back ups but they all played very well. Alex Smith, my back up QB, scored me 21 points. That is his second highest point total of the season. Jordy, my boy, also had another huge game with 24 points. But yet again, a wide receiver, who had a great week last week, did absolutely nothing for me this week. No not Dwayne Bowe everyone, even though he did only score 8 points.

Your week 11 Shithead of the week is... Denarius Moore!

Not only did he score a whopping 24 points last week and get my hopes up as potentially being Carson Palmer's go to guy, but he then went out this week and shit himself. He caught an impressive one ball for 14 yards this week, literally tearing my heart out in the process. I had to choose between this dude and Victor Cruz of the Giants, and I went with Moore. There was some thinking behind it though. He was playing the Vikings and Cruz was facing the CB's of the Eagles. I was completely wrong. Cruz ended up with 18 points, the points in which would  have won me the game. But woah is me, cant cry over spilled milk.

I have however watched a lot of Raiders games this year. My friend Brad comes over and we always watch the Raiders games. For some reason, they are usually on in this neck of the woods. So, I know how this guys plays. Honestly, I really think the reason he is so inconsistent is... 1) He is a rookie and 2) this is how he tries to catch every single pass thrown his way. Literally, every pass.

Dip shit.

 

Faux Vampires

Now this is something that has bothered not only me for years, but millions of people who are not raging teenage girls. I dated a girl for a very long time who was absolutely enamored in these outlandish vampire books by some idiotic woman named Stephanie Myers. You see, this woman took every single rule in the hundreds upon hundreds of years of vampire folklore and completely made a mockery of it by flipping every single fucking rule and making these monstrous beings look like Liberace. Actually, that might be a bad analogy. Liberace kind of does look like a vampire...

He sparkles too... what a coincidence. Anyways, in 2005 the first of these fuel for a book burning was released. People literally went nuts over this stupid literature (if you want to call it that), almost rivaling the hysteria over Harry Potter. The three other books were released in a matter of three years. How could that have possibly been written well? But whatever. I mean, it was only a matter of damn time before a stupid movie was made from these books. Strike while the iron is hot I guess. So they hire these awful actors who have no personality what so ever to play these one dimensional characters and, just like the bookstores, teenage girls flock to the theaters to give their daddies money away to see a half ass story about love. That's right, there is nothing like the age old tale of a vampire going to high school in the middle of the day and falling in love with a gaped tooth, frowny faced, pail ass girl named Kristen Stewart. Her expression is always one of Mr. Fundamental himself, Tim Duncan of the San Antonio Spurs . Even in real life its like that. Depressing much?

Does anyone actually realize how bad these stories are? To be quite honest, I only have a general idea of what the books are about past the first one, but I think I get the gist. A four year old could understand it. Hell, a four year old can understand how ludicrous it is. When I saw the trailer for the latest monstrosity known as "Breaking Dawn" a while back, I was actually physically upset with what I was seeing. I mean literally, what they made it look like was a bunch of men running around with no shirts on, a depressed woman and a depressed "vampire" getting married and going on a honeymoon, and then a depressed woman getting prego.

The biggest problem I had with the trailer, besides the fact that it was about a twilight book, is the whole pregnancy thing. Let's think about this rationally for a second. If the fact that a woman having sex with a vampire is not ridiculous enough, the fact that it could get a normal human being pregnant is mind boggling. A vampire is DEAD... Honestly, that would be like having sex with a corpse. They don't even have a way of transferring anything into the woman to even conceive a child. Take a look at exhibit A here.

Exhibit A

They are shooting blanks if anything, man. So as you can see, there is no conceivable way of this happening.

What the hell was this Stephanie Meyer lady thinking?  Had she never heard of mythology before? She was just sitting there one day and said to herself...

"I'm gonna write a children's book about things that are sort of like vampires, but not really. Fuck what 100% of the real world thinks what vampires and werewolves are like, I am gonna make my own rules.... Now how can I piss every nerd off... I KNOW! These vampires live in a house in the middle of the woods in a family type setting and they go to school, can walk in the sunlight without burning to a crisp, and they can also have sexual relations. Hmmm, they play baseball as well! That's the ticket! How about werewolves... No, full moons are out. That's too cliche. I know! They just change whenever the hell they want! That's excitement! Man, this is going to catch on like a wildfire."

Pardon my French, but what a fucking idiot. I give her my idiot stamp of approval.

Like I said on my facebook page, I would rather put my balls in a vice than ever watch a Twilight movie. And I actually mean that. I am not even joking, there are two things in a woman that if they have these qualities, I don't even bother. I learned from my last relationship, trust me. Rule number one is if they are a fan of some stupid sports team like they Yankees, Red Sox, Lakers, or Patriots and number two is if they like the Twilight series. To that I say screw em'. Guess this is why I am still single. Literally every girl in the world loves all of those things. That and things like sushi and organic materials. I hate all of those things.

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 10

Chalk another in the win column for Gregory and I am now 7-2-1. My 101-94 victory over a formidable team by the name of Viet-Nnamdi War. I made a trade with this guy earlier in the year that kind, but not really worked out for me. Like an idiot, one of the people I got in the trade was one of the New Orleans Saint receivers who had a really hot start to they year. Now he literally does absolutely nothing. When I say nothing, I mean nothing, nata, zilch. that receiver was Devery Henderson. Luckily, I never have to play the bastard and I also got Michael Turner in the trade as well. But anyways... Like I said another week and another win. But that does not mean there was not a shithead on my team again... and trust me there was.

I would like to commend some of my players on their excellent weeks first though. Shady McCoy had another great week for me and has proven to be a spectacular choice for my number one pick. Drew Brees produced as usual with 24 and Tony Gonzalez also had a big 13. But thank Jesus for Jordy Nelson. I was down by 15 and in the dumps thinking I was getting a loss this week. But Jordy totally redeems my shithead of the week by scoring two touchdowns and getting 18 points for me. So without further ado...

Your week 10 Shithead of the Week is.... For an unprecedented second time this year... DWAYNE BOWE

This guy just keeps letting me down. I know their offense is based off the run, I get that. But you seriously could only score 1 point with 2 catches and 17 yards against the lowly Broncos. For Christ sake, and I definitely meant to use blasphemous terms in this sentence, it's like Tim Tebow is your quarterback. You need to get your head out of your ass and actually get open or something. God I freaking hate Dwayne Bowe. He is on the sideline doing crap like this instead of focusing on what he is payed for.

It's kind of ironic, me saying that. I usually write these while I am, in fact, working. But anyways, I am going to give Mr. Bowe another award this week as well.

I am going to try very hard to trade your ass this week. You are awful.

Board Games into Film... Bad Idea

Hollywood writers are a bunch of idiotic bastards. For those of you who haven't noticed in the past ten years or so, the movie industry has been filled with a bunch or outlandish remakes of movies that were made no more than 20-30 years prior. For example...

Not that I give a damn that it was remade, because I really don't. Just saying that the simple fact is these people aren't even trying anymore. Hell, they literally took the same logo from the original movie and changed the color. Bet those design people are making gobs of money to do shit just like that while real creative people are sitting at home on their hands trying to find a job. Or how about this one...

They literally have remade The Thing  THREE TIMES in a span of the past 60 years. I have only seen the film that was made in 1982, but what could they have possibly done to make this a new and fresh story? I bet they added a sex scene in the 2011 version or something lame like that. It actually makes me upset even talking about it.

Not only are they remaking films over and over again, there are no fresh ideas out there. Where have all the creative minds gone people? It's just recycled junk over and over again. God, if I see another Fast and Furious movie coming out I might stomp into Universal Studios myself and punch Vin Diesel in his annoying face. How many are they on now? 12? Shit, I never thought it would be possible, but they are actually catching up to The Land Before Time in number of sequels. How many flipping times can someone see a Honda Civic with a spoiler drive really fast down the road for 2 hours? But I digress.

If these studios aren't making a remake or recycling the same shit again, they have to reach for something that is familiar to everyone. Something that will please every age group. What could this possibly be? Well, what is one thing that almost every person has done. Oh I know... board games. Yes, you heard me correctly, board games. Studios are actually buying the rights to a bunch of board games and making films about them. In fact, Battleship will be hitting a theater near you very soon. Nothing says excitement like Liam Neeson yelling out B-9 and D-5 for a couple of hours.

Told you so... I wish I were lying. But this is not the only film in the works that was formerly a square piece of cardboard. Let's take a look at a few more shall we.

1. Clue- Clue was already made in 1985 and is actually a pretty funny movie. But yet again with their stupid antics, these schmucks are ruining a good thing and remaking it. No need. 

2. Monopoly-  What could they possibly do with this? Who would they cast as Mr.Monopoly? Sam Elliot would be my best guess. On a personal note, I always wondered what Park Place actually looked like. Seems like a magical place. But I will tell you one thing. If they don't incorporate the get out of jail free card in it, it will go down as possibly one of the worst ideas for a film of all time.

3. Candyland- To be quite honest, this could actually be kind of cool as a movie if it were done right. In my personal opinion, seeing some of those characters in a horror film would be bad ass. But no, it will be some dumb 3-D animated pop up book for 5 year olds and will probably sky rocket into one of the highest grossing movies of all time. Why the hell are all of the Ice Age movies in the top 100 by the way? Just saying. Kids, pfft. Who needs em'.

Those are just some of the ones I have heard about. God only know if they are making any more and in no way shape or form do I want to research it. It makes my brain hurt even thinking about it. But we should have seen this coming. Besides Clue, there was one other motion picture made from a family game. That film was...

Jenga

Too soon? Eh. 

Penn State pick em

I know I am probably going to get some bad heat for this one but I couldn't resist. I am sure everyone has heard of the awful scandal going down in Penn State. I was watching coverage at the gym for days without sound and for the longest damn time I couldn't figure out who the actual culprit was. They kept showing this other guy who apparently saw the actual culprit fondle a little kid in the shower and didn't do anything about it. I know who the people are now, but let me ask you one question... If you had no prior knowledge of who these people were and had to pick which person was the person who played with he little boys in the shower, which one would you think was the criminal? Lets play a little game of...

PICK... THE...PEDOPHILE!

Actually, if you had no prior knowledge or the situation, this would be much harder than I originally thought. Both these guys look like big creeps. Now like I said, I watched a freaking weeks worth of coverage with no sound at all. And if you did not know already, the guy on the right, Jerry Sandusky, is the asshole who touched the little kids. Anyone could have made the mistake I made of thinking the red headed dude was the pedo though. My bad man. His name is Mike McQueary by the way and he was the GA who didn't do anything about the situation. Gutless, that's what that is. Both of you deserve everything you get.

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 9

Yet another win for the one and only me as I beat some stupid team named The Shredders 105-91. Made me sweat a bit though being that I was down by 15 going into Monday night. But I pulled it out. And to tell you the truth, I had a really hard time picking the shithead of the week this week. I think this was the toughest decision I have ever made, when it comes to my shithead award of course. Everyone did something very productive and scored 8 points or more... except one. Therefore...

Your week 9 shithead award goes to... The Steelers Defense!

First of all, the defense should never be picked to be the shithead because they never score any points anyways. The 70's Steeler steel curtain defense would only score 4 points a game for God sake. These defenses have to play God like to score any points at all, I swear. Well, I figured going into a game against the Ravens and Joe Faggo, they would step up their game. They did do that... until the last drive of the game. Luckily for me, I was on my way to work and didn't get to see the last drive. I swear if I saw it I would have had a stroke. But by no means am I saying that the Steelers defense sucks, what I am saying is I have no damn idea why a defense goes into prevent at the end of the game when there is a 4 point lead. They do it all the time and it boggles my mind every single time it happens. But anyways, lets hear it for your shithead, or should I say shithead's, of the week.

Weirdest Dream Ever

I don't have dreams. Ever. But last night I had probably the oddest dream anyone has ever had in the existence of mankind. It opened like a movie, literally credits and everything. Turned out I was still in college and it was time for the monthly WCAL radio meeting. So we are in that stupid conference room we always had meetings in  and there were a couple new people that joined the station. The station manager, who I didn't know for some reason, introduced the new jocks. One of them was completely gorgeous. I have only met a few of them in my day but you know, the type of beautiful girl who literally makes you not be able to speak. And to tell you the truth, this girl looked like a girl I know, but that's as specific as it is going to get. I don't want to sound like any more of a prude than I already do. Anyways, this girl comes over to me and starts to talk to me right in the middle of the meeting. As time passes, she says for some odd reason, "let's go to the graveyard!" I have no idea why the hell anyone would want to ever go to the graveyard but I will go to a graveyard if a beautiful woman asks me to. No doubt. So we drive there and it isn't anything special, but there are some specifics about it that I didn't quite understand. For some reason, right near the graveyard was this older looking house that looked extremely out of place, especially since there is an elliptical machine right outside the house under the tree. Yes, an elliptical. So there are some guys out and about in the graveyard, obviously people whom work there and we kind of walk around a bit and leave.

 Next thing I know, her and I are in the school cafeteria getting some dinner. Now, the cafeteria was nothing like I imagined and had many other things besides food in it. Shit like cell phone accessories and an impulse item section were scattered around where the food was. It didn't make any sense, but what happened next does. After getting some food I go to check out. The woman at the checkout literally rips my phone out of my hand and claims that I have stolen it from the cafeteria. Outraged, I actually bellow about the whole situation and everyone is looking at us as we flail and yell at each other for a short period of time. After a flip over a few tables because of how outrageous the whole situation it is, they realize their mistake and give my phone back. That was that. So I walk back to where the girl is sitting and we eat...only there was not much eating going down. Apparently she was so impressed with the gorilla type display I just put on, it was time.You can only imagine where it goes from here.

After that long ordeal was over and done with, she asks me to go to the graveyard again. At this point, I really dont give a damn to be honest and I just go. We drive to the same graveyard and those people are still wandering around the grounds but nowhere near where we park and for some reason the girl heads towards the mysterious looking house. She breaks into the house through one of the side windows and I go right after her for some idiotic reason. It looks just like my ex girlfriends house on the inside but there are people in there who I have never met before. We hold a complete conversation with each other until I realize I left my phone in the car and head out the side window to get it. Why in God's name we never use the front door is beyond me, but kind of funny. So I get outside and those people whom I thought worked there were actually just zombies roaming the premises and had gotten much closer to the weird house were in. They catch a glimpse of me and they are off for the races after me. By my count there are five of them, none more intimidating than the next. Being the awesome person I am, and apparently knowing some sort of martial art in my dream, I fight these heathens off with nothing more than a few round house kicks. I grab my phone, and head back into the house. The mystery girl who has drug me to the graveyard twice now, made me get yelled at for no good reason, and also made me have a completely awkward conversation with a family I did not know saw every thing I had just done to those zombies. Yeah.........Last thing I remember is an extremely corny orchestral song, probably something like that one song from Jurassic Park, was being played as I once again climb out of the window. You know, this one.

I step on the elliptical under the tree as the sun is setting and I ride, in place, into the sunset. What an epic frigging dream.

Now there are a few things I realized from this dream. I obviously have been exercising waaaaaaay too much. When a dream ends with you getting on an elliptical, that should tell you something. Secondly, I apparently will do anything for my phone. I will go as far as acting like an animal to get it back. And third, and most importantly, I need a girl in my life.... badly... I really don't hope I have dreams like that very often. That shit was nerve racking.

Student loans

I'll tell you what... Student loans are a crock of shit. I swear to God, the people who own these companies, such as Sallie Mae, are a bunch of snarling crooks who sit in their office full of cash and just rub their hands together and laugh at how many normal people they screwed over that day. I can literally picture a dude looking like this doing all of those things...

Those of you who know me, and yes I admit to this, I did take out a bit of extra money so that I could at least enjoy my college years and not just sit around like a lame ass. But I am not complaining about how much money I owe. I have taken on that responsibility and ran with it. I am complaining about the way they send you what appear to be non threatening letters, but actually are. Literally a few weeks ago, I had already solved a problem about this bill I had paid. Yet a few days later, they sent a letter saying I owed even MORE money. I called and they told me to disregard it, but the fact is I swear they sent it just so that you knew they were still there watching you. It's outrageous and unnecessary. I know I owe the damn money, there is absolutely no reason to rub it in. 

Of course, this could all be in my imagination and I could totally be exaggerating ths. But I don't think so. The employees of Sallie Mae are probably taking the payments I have been making on the interest and buying luxurious gifts for themselves with it. Here is an artist's rendition of what Albert Lord, CEO of Sallie Mae, bought with my interest payments thus far. 

Apparently he bought a dog that sits upright and a company rocket car. Rock on Sallie Mae.

How about you please stop threatening me with your bogus letters and actually give a damn that not one person can get a job that pays more than $10 an hour. How about you realize it's a frigging hassle that you don't consolidate your loans anymore. How about you actually help someone out for a change instead of being a bunch of ass faces. These are my suggestions to you.

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 8

Another week has come and gone and scratch one in the win column for old Greggy poo... barely. Like I said last week, this is the time of year where the true fantasy footballers step up and show their true depth. Unfortunately for me, my back up running back was hurt and my other useless back up Ryan Grant, last weeks shithead of the week, was on a bye. So I had to pick up someone on free agency. According to every single source I checked all damn week, Beanie Wells of the Arizona Cardinals was hurt and was not going to be playing this week. Some douche named Alfonso Smith was going to be getting the majority of the carries.. my ass he was.

Therefor, your week 8 shithead of the week is... Some ass clown named Alfonso Smith

If by the majority of the carries you mean one, then yes. And if by Beanie Wells being hurt you mean not at all, then yes.Being that it was nearly Halloween, apparently Beanie Wells was playing a trick on everyone. Because there he was, low and behold, int he starting lineup. I almost shit myself when I saw it. This guy looks like he doesn't know how to even play football. Look at this joker... he looks completely clueless...

But whatever, that is not even the point. If i actually had a decent running back who got me 5-10 points in my match up, it would not have been as close as it actually was. Let me make something clear about this weeks match up. almost everyone on my team didn't do shit. The only one who did ANYTHING was Shady McCoy. Not only that, the stupid team I was playing forgot to play three players. Yes, three players and I still struggled to win this wee, 92-85. How did they score so many points with not so many players? Steve Jackson had the game of his freaking life. Now, what a surprise, being that this was against me. I am really glad he didn't play a QB because if he did, I would have been beaten by some insignificant 2-5 team. But who cares. I won. A win is a win is a win.