Academy Awards

I am not going to lie, I watched like three categories during the Academy Awards this year. Not only did I get angrier after each and every one of those award categories, but this happens to me every single year. Who the hell votes on this crap? It's obviously some hoity toity assclowns who see's some artsy fartsy piece of trash from some other country and for some reason thinks they have to vote on it. By "artsy fartsy piece of trash" I am referring to the silent French film The Artist which went on to win an outrageous six Academy Awards including best film, best director, and best actor.

First of all, how the hell can something that is an hour and a freaking half of silence be even considered for best picture? I am going to begrudgingly watch this film as soon as possible to see what exactly these idiotic people wet their pants over. I mean, this crap was up against some stiff competition this year. Some films it was up against were Moneyball, War horse, and Hugo just to name a few. I mean come on... I only saw Moneyball and I am willing to bet it is better than that crap. Hell, half the damn population is too lazy to read a newspaper article, you really think they are going to sit down and watch an hour and a half film where they have to read? I have had actual conversations with people who will not watch a movie with subtitles because they "don't want to read." It's quite sad actually. But you are talking to the person who was reading Edgar Allan Poe on the elliptical just hours before writing this. Not only that, arent films based on a bunch of different criteria no a days when it comes to best picture? Where does something like sound editing come into play on this? Obviously I have no idea or I would have a say in the voting process. But I am not an ass nor idiot, so i don't get a vote.

Secondly, how does someone win best actor when it is a silent film? I am being completely serious here. You don't have any f'ing lines... all you really have to do is be a little over dramatic to get the point across. I would kind of compare it to a stage show where someone has to be a little bigger in their role than normal. So in that case, why don't you give this guy a Tony Award too. I mean, this is the first freaking time a silent film has won the Oscar for best picture since 1929. That should tell you something. That is because not on person gives a shit about them anymore.

I am boycotting the Oscars for no on. Not only do good films EVER get recognized, I am tired of these people who vote on the whole process. Just because a movie is in another language doesn't mean it deserves an award. I would say without a doubt in my mind that maybe only five of the last twenty best picture winners actually were the right choice... and I have seen most of the films that were nominated. I mean seriously, Shakespeare in Love over Saving Private Ryan? Are you out of your mind? A Beautiful Mind over Fellowship of the Ring? That is simply outlandish. But The Artist over any of the other nominees... That, my friends, is a fucking crime. At one point the Academy Award meant something to the film community. Now, in my opinion, it is a freaking joke.

An Honest Question

As you can tell from the very creative title, I have an honest question for all of you. For as long as I can remember I have wondered this to myself every single time I enter a building more than one story... Why the Hell doesn't the elevator door close button ever work?!?!?!

Seriously. Is it a frigging social experiment that has been going on for way too long or something? No matter where it is or not matter how big of a hurry I am in, I WILL hit that button multiple times. I will hit it multiple times and finally give up in disgust thinking to myself that one, just one, of these times it will close when I push that damn button. I actually did it today going to see my pap at his apartment building. Seriously, it never fails. Trust me, I have been in hundreds of buildings in my life and I do it every single time.

I would probably say that button has given me more stress in my life than most things. If I had to compare it to something, I would probably put it on par with, as outrageous as it sounds, having to bend over in the morning. Most of you have probably never thought about it before, but having to bend over in the morning is literally one of the worst feelings anyone could ever have. It's seriously terrible. Unfortunately in my 25 years of existence I have actually had to bend over quite a bit before 11am. It makes me want to punch an orphan square in the face. Seeing this symbol makes me want to do the same damn thing.

That symbol is in my worst nightmares. I wake up and my body is cold and drenched when I dream of it. It plays with every ounce of patience I have left. WHY DON'T YOU JUST WOOOOOOOOOOOOOORK? Instead of that symbol, it should just have a picture of Satan laughing because that's all it really is, a tool to punish us for no damn reason.

Actually, the more I think about it, it's kind of comical. Maybe those are put in there as some sort of joke by the manufacturer. Anything is possible. But one of these days I will find an elevator that has a button that works. That is a freaking fact people. Actually... you know what, it just hit me. I'm just using the f'n stairs for now on. Screw it.

Boston Has Eyes

Has anyone ever noticed, or cared to notice, that Rajon Rondo, that ass wipe of a point guard for the Boston Celtics, looks EXACTLY like Pluto from the original Hills Have Eyes movie. Don't believe me? Check it out.

No? That is literally the only thing I think about when I see him. Kind of like when ex NBA bench warmer Popeye Jones played. He looked exactly like Nosferatu. You don't think I am right on that one either? Compare. 

I apparently like taking NBA stars and connecting them to their horror film counterparts. It's actually a hobby of mine.

Come on people... It's uncanny. You know what is even scarier than any of those horror film matches? How about ex Cavs coach and current Lakers coach Mike Brown. Looks literally identical to Al Roker. 

Now THAT is scary. Noooooooooo... I am not saying all black people look alike...  But those two do. Hell, they even shop at the same Men's Warehouse it looks like. We like the way you look, I guarantee it. But what I don't like is how oddly similar you look. Freaking weird man. Horrifying actually.

Horseplay

First off, I would like to apologize for not posting for about a week. You see, I have been very very busy starting a new job and trying to get back on a normal sleep pattern. Not only that, I am actually sick for the first time in about three years. This isn't quite as bad though. To be frank, last time I was sick things were coming out of every hole in my body constantly and I went to the hospital from dehydration. It's actually kind of funny to tell you the truth. When I went in for the interview for this new job I actually mentioned, for some reason, that I literally never get sick. My first day of work, I get sick. If that isn't karma biting me in that ass, I don't know what it. But I digress.

What I really wanted to talk about is an incident that happened at me at my job today. Well not me per se, but next to me. Myself and two other people whom are training for the same position were patiently sitting there the last five minutes of our shift just sort of talking. Dan, my co worker, is sitting there playing with a rubber band, proceeds to lob it over the cubical to another co worker of ours, and then gets bum rushed. This old woman who constantly looks pissed off comes over to him and stares him in the eye, which by itself is outrageously intimidating enough, and sternly says... " Don't do that again. If you get caught with that kind of horseplay you will get written up." Dan then proceeds to laugh, realizing how ludicrous the situation actually was and probably thinking to himself there is no possible way this woman is serious, then gets yelled at again. She raises he voice and says " I'm being serious!" She walks away and I am completely dumbfounded.

I can tell at this point that Dan is flabbergasted and luckily it was time to go home. I am pretty sure he was going to flip. But anyways, it is at this point I ask... What the hell is horseplay anyways? Who the hell came up with that word? And how does lobbing a gum band over a cubicle constitute such a response? Besides the obvious fact that she was old and haggard, maybe she is not getting any horseplay at home. That would make sense to me.

But seriously, what the hell is horseplay? Apparently in this office you better not do anything out of the ordinary, like play with a gum band or maybe staple some papers together... or else. Not that I don't like this job either. That is the absolute last thing I want people to think. I have only been there for four days now so there is no way in hell I can form that kind of opinion thus far. But I can say that the women in the office are big time gossipers and I don't like it. You have to understand that I am also one of three men in the entire place right now as well. God help me if there are untrue rumors flying around about me that are completely out of nowhere. You know what though? This just came to me... Next time a rumor is flying around I am going to yell at the whole office for horseplay. Because I don't know what the hell it is. Then I will pass out this picture to people.

Horseplay? I call it stupid shit that doesn't matter. Why get all frigging worked up over nothing? What did lobbing a gum band over a cubicle do to hurt anyone? Absolutely freaking nothing. That's what.

Purple Squirrel? Say What?

Yes, you read that correctly. They have found a purple squirrel roaming through the back yards of some suburban homes in central Pennsylvania. How outlandish is that? I don't know what is more outlandish though, the fact that there is a purple squirrel hopping from tree to tree or that the people who found the thing has a bunch of cages in their backyard that catch squirrels. Here it is by the way.



How the hell did this thing become purple? It didn't come out that way, that's for damn sure. But they are actually trying to figure out what made it this way. Animal experts all around are trying to figure out how this happened and really aren't sure how it happened. I have read some theories though. There is one theory that it got into a port-a-potty. Another rumor is that it got hold of an old ink cartridge. But my personal feeling is this...

A kid obviously got hold of that poor squirrel and used their markers for no good. Damn dirty bastard. Go ruin your parents walls, not the wildlife.

Katy xoxoxox

There are many women in this world I find attractive. Let's just get that out there right now. In fact, there are so many women in this world I find attractive, it's  a bit alarming. But hey, I am a man. What else would you expect? With that in mind, I don't know if you heard or anything but... KATY PERRY AND THAT ASS HAT RUSSEL BRAND ARE OFFICIALLY DIVORCED!!! That is right kiddos, as of today they are officially back on the market. Now this wouldn't be so exciting being that they are both major celebrities but the fact of the matter is... I HAVE A CHANCE WITH KATY PERRY! In my dreams of course, but anything is possible. In my opinion, she is literally one of the sexiest women on the planet. Now I know what you all are going to tell me... " But didn't you see that picture that leaked of her with no makeup on?" This is my rebuttal... Have you seen pictures of most women without makeup on? It's called natural people, who gives a shit? I would do some crazy shit for that woman. I would do something that I said I would never do ever again... I would grow my hair long like I had in high school so that I kind fo look like her ex, Russell. Look at me, I looked like an imbecile.



Dont mind the giant zit in the middle of my face or the increibly hip Samsung flip phone... I thought I was cool. But if Katy thought it was cool, I'd do it again. Just take a look at what we would look like together...

                                              See, I even grew the long hair again. Adorable.<3

I look like Rick James in this, which is exactly why shes diggin' it.

Dont call me crazy, a man can dream cant he? Plus, as soon as Ms.Perry notices this blog, "the greatest blog in the world", I am sure she will want to contact me and arrange a date. If so Katy, have my people call your people. Or you could get my cell on my Facebook. Actually, if Katy perry Facebooked me I may have a mild stroke.

The Super Bowl N'at

First off, I would like to say that nothing can top a Pittsburgh Steeler win... except for when the Patriots lose. God I love it. I love seeing them be a bunch of sore losers walking off the field, somehow still looking arrogant along the way. I love watching their post game press conferences because I can actually script what they are going to say. It's like they practice it or something. Bill Belichick literally says the same things after every single loss. And I quote... " We are disappointed. They made more plays. We need to execute better, practice better, and play better in the game on both ends. We are disappointed." I'm serious, he says that every single time. It's like hes socially awkward or something. It hurts to watch it.

But I digress... It was an alright game. I was at work so I didn't get to see every single play of it, but what I saw was mediocre at best. The first three quarters were like a week nine game or something. And it was what I though it was going to be, an indoor football game. It was dink and dunk passes over and over again with a run thrown in every now and then. There was a combined 81 passes in the game for God sake... welcome to the new NFL I guess. But when the fourth quarter came along, the drama meeter was turned to 11. The fourth quarter was on par with the Steeler-Cardinals Super Bowl and saved it from being one of the more boring games I have ever seen.

When the Giants finally won the game and the Lombardi trophy was being given to the Giants owner, I had to sit through what I felt was one of the most awkward two minutes of my life. Colts hall of famer Raymond Berry was the one given the task to tote the trophy up to the ceremonial stand where the MVP, Eli manning, and the owners of the team stood to get interviewed after their spectacular win. Little did Mr.Berry or I know that he was basically going to be raped by the entire New York football Giants franchise. Watch this video and forgive the idiot who posted it. He cant's spell worth a damn. "Gongrats Giants"? Really?

Did you see that? The man got groped. His balls were cupped, his hair was pulled, his nipples were twisted,and kissed lovingly. He was even pet by a cackling black man around the :58 mark. Awkward...

Other than the game, there are three other things that people look forward to usually. Those things include the immaculate Puppy Bowl, the sometimes outrageous halftime show, and the recently disappointing commercials. Well I am here to tell you that the that none of those things were bad this year... sort of. The Puppy Bowl is just plain adorable. I cant take the smile off my face while watching it even though it is completely irrelevant to anything.  I know some people that actually watch that crap all day long.

The halftime show has sucked the past couple of years, including last years show where the Black Eyed Peas showed up and shit the bed. But this years show by Madonna was actually not bad. Besides the fact that those assholes LMFAO showed up and ruined everything for me and that it looked like Madonna lip-synced everything, it was actually very entertaining. I found it especially entertaining because of this...

And last but not least comes the commercials. There were actually a couple of very good commercials unlike the past couple of Super Bowls. The adds that got me were the Ferris Beuller commercial, the Metlife commercial with He-Man and Voltron, and the Clint Eastwood commercial. The Clint Eastwood Chrystler commercial was one of the best I have seen in years. I don't know what it was about it but it pulled at my heart strings. It is 2 good minutes of pure emotion and I actually was a little touched by it. Here is the commercial.

I would actually think he would have said something more like this.

All in all it was an alright Super Bowl. Although I did not get to watch it with friends and family for the first time in my 25 years of life, I still enjoyed watching the game. Another NFL season in the books and what an NFL year it was. All I know is the Steelers are due for another Super bowl run. How bout it?

Why I HATE the New England Patriots

On the eve of Super Bowl XLVI, or 46 for you dopes who don't know Roman numerals, I find myself in a bit of a dilemma. I can't decide on which reason I actually hate the Patriots so much... Waaaait a second. I remember now...

TOM BRADY

 

As many of you know, I have a extreme dislike for this man. I have written at least one blog post, that I can remember, making a joke about this guy. I believe I called him a box of penises or something like that. But besides the fact that he is a giant box of penises, there are a plethora of other reasons why I hate this man. But this is could possibly be nemero uno on my shit list for this man.

Honestly, I have NEVER seen a man wear Ugg boots. And I will never see a respectable man wear a pair of Ugg boots. That's is a stone cold fact. If I wore a pair of those, my man boobs would actually generate some breast tenderness. Even the people who hired the guy to model them were laughing at how outlandish the whole situation was.

So in tribute to Super Bowl XLVI and Tom Brady's time of the month... LET'S GO GIANTS! I will scream it from a frigging mountain top. Break Tom Brady's petite feminine body in half and tell him he has split ends. It will hurt his feelings and will be steaming about it for at least a week.

The Mysteries of Life #3

RoboCop Remake? Really?

While I have been pretty outspoken about remakes in the past, it has been nothing but basically impartial. You really think I care they did a remake of Footloose? Not really. The original sucks so hard that I know it to be scientifically proven that the new one sucks twice as much. So seriously, I don't give a damn. But when Hollywood goes and screws up something I love, such as my #6 movie of all time, it's personal daddy-o. Just watch this trailer. It's freaking epic.

Seriously, RoboCop is a perfect movie. It has awesome action, spectacular special effects for it's time, an unbelievably good storyline, and a wonderful cast. How in God's name could they do anything with it? Yeah, they could put some big name doofus actor in the role of Officer Murphy/Robocop, but what the hell would that do? After seeing some of the considerations for the title role, I know what it would do... Simply put more asses in the seats to see it. I mean, Chris Pine? Really? Revamped Captain Kirk couldn't pull that role off. He is the complete opposite of officer Murphy's stoic and serious demeanor. But you know what he is? A heart throb that will actually make women want to go see the film. Or how about the latest actor rumored for the role, Russell Crowe. Now it makes even more sense. Women take their panties off to go see movies with this guy in them. It's completely obvious. Can you picture how outlandish they will look? 

or...

This just means they will cast some blond bombshell for the role of Officer Lewis too, which makes literally no sense what so ever. They live in modern day Detroit for God sake. There are no good looking people there. Trust me, I have been there.

Now before I could have gotten any more pissed off about the idea of remaking a classic action film such as RoboCop, I wanted to look into a bit more. Who exactly was directing this debacle? If it was someone awesome then maybe it would save the fact that they had a terrible idea in the first place. What if it was someone cool like Tim Burton would maybe be a good fit... think Batman Returns. Maybe Guillermo del Toro would even be a good fit. But actually, the first person who popped into my head was Frank Miller, who directed such films as 300 and Sin City. I quickly remembered that he popped into my head for a great reason. Miller directed RoboCop 2 and 3 and did a pretty damn good job at it if I do say so myself. So who is the director of this supposed remake? It just so happens to be some man named Jose' Padhilha who has directed such "box office smashes" as Elite Squad and Elite Squad 2: The Enemy Within. Oi vey... Could this be any worse?

Yes... it can... The only way this could be any worse is if this movie is actually made. These are all just mere rumors and the film is "in development" so it could fall off the table at anytime. But just like my worst nightmares came true when they remade Nightmare on Elm Street, I know they will make this as well. Kill me now people, kill me now. Did anyone see that version of nightmare? Literally one of the worst films I have ever seen. Like a good consumer though I will obviously go and see it. How can I keep away from something that has the word RoboCop in it? Its virtually impossible. I will tell you one thing that WOULD keep me away from it though.

I seriously wouldn't put it past these idiots. If that turd Nicolas Cage was RoboCop I would literally protest at the film studio. I wouldn't pay to see that movie. In fact, I wouldn't buy that for a dollar.