Chapter 2: (most) Women

Chapter 2

(most) Women/ Relationships

            Let’s be serious here for a second. I love women, period. There is legitimately nothing more beautiful in this world. I have seen things like car crashes, whales jumping out of the water, lumberjacks cutting down trees, and many other things that should have probably made my jaw drop. But none of those things have done that. The only thing that has ever actually made my jaw drop is when I see a beautiful women walk down the street. It’s uncanny. I literally turn in to a stereotypical bumbling idiot. But that’s not what makes me mad. What really pisses me off is the types of men that these people date.

            First of all, my left testicle is more interesting to speak to than most of these men. Their stomachs may be as hard as a wall but their intellectual conversational topics are as good as the material on the bathroom stale at your local truck stop. All they talk about are these stupid fucking shows on MTV like Jersey Shore or how much they love Lil Wayne. Don’t get me wrong, I like my share of Lil Wayne, but I sure as hell don’t like Jersey shore. The show is one small step below shock therapy. It makes my brain numb and I have only seen two episodes. But that’s not what this is about, Ill talk about stupid television a little later.

            The woman is attracted to the prototypical man. On the other hand the man is attracted to the prototypical woman. It’s just the way of life. All in all we are just animals and we go after what we want, not what we need. What most people need is a companion who has things in common with their partner and actually understand the needs of them as well. But that’s not how it works out, especially for younger people. I am currently 24 years old and I would like to still consider myself youngish. People my age and younger have a problem with looking for the right kind of companion. I have realized this for years now that I want to be with someone who I share common interests with. That’s all I really need. I mean, a good looking woman would obviously be wonderful, but that’s not what I “need”. That is the absolute first thing that most women look for. It’s quite obvious actually and if this makes people mad, oh well. Someone needs to say it. Well that and money. How the hell do you think Hugh Hefner has been married three times?

            What I have observed about women in my short and traveled life is that they are blinded by things that they shouldn’t even be worried about. For example, I know for a fact that most women look for the biggest douchers in the world. If he wears a tap out shirt, a chain, and his ass is hanging out the back of his jeans basically making them completely irrelevant, then that’s the one for them. Then the guy starts talking to them. It doesn’t even matter what he says. He could have a more irritating voice than Eminem, which is hard to do, but just because of their first impressions they are in with the girl. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. If I was in the same situation, wearing anything I own, but talked to her about virtually anything that they had an interest in, it wouldn’t even matter. Now let’s remember I am basing this off of younger people. People begin to realize the error of their ways eventually. And again, and I can’t stress this enough, not ALL women are like this.

            You know what’s even worse about all of that? If you tell them any of this, they get offended. Trust me I have tried to show them what they are doing but it just doesn’t matter. They just get pissed off and tell you what they think. Believe me, I have done it. I mean, who am I to try and help people from ruining some of the best years of their lives. Just last night in fact, someone asked me their opinion on a situation they are having with a man. She wanted my opinion on what I would want done if I was going after a woman and they had no interest at all. I told them my opinion of what I would want done and they basically told me they weren’t going to do that. The why ask me my opinion? Nothing frustrates me more than asking my opinion and the blasting it out of the water by saying that you don’t agree with it. Who the hell do you think I am, Dr.Phil? If you don’t then don’t ask me my fucking advice people. Trust me, I am going to give you my honest opinion and take it and leave it. It’s for the best, not for you to get offended or to throw out the window. 

            I have tried to go outside of my normal box myself. Go ahead, call me a hypocrite. I have made the mistake of judging people by their looks before knowing anything about them, but I learned my ways. It took a couple of times too. I remember the first time I ever did this was actually while I was working at the before mentioned restaurant that I hated so much. They hired this new girl to be a hostess and good lord was she gorgeous. I go and talk to her and work my magic, whatever little magic that   It doesn't feel good. Only bad thing about this situation is that I had to see her at work after that. Can anyone say awkward? I once again got stood up not to long after that by another good looking girl. I then thought to myself in a fit of anger, why the hell would these girls say yes if they had absolutely no intention of doing it? Its like they like to play these games with people and it doesn't make any sense. I then began to realize what I stated before. Maybe I shouldn’t be going after this certain “type” of girl. I mean, I don’t consider myself a bad looking dude. I’m no James Dean, but I’m no Eugene Levy either; I’m just myself. So maybe I should go back to going after girls with the same purpose in min I always had … getting along with them and having the same interests.

            Go back he says? You have to realize something… I thought I had the girl of my dreams. I thought I was set for life and I would never be doing things like awkwardly hitting on 18 year olds anymore. Way back in 2006 I started dating a girl, a girl named Jess. I remember like it was yesterday the first time I met her. It was at one of my good friends high school graduation party (his name is Alex but we call him Dig Dug). I was outside shooting hoops with everyone and this gorgeous red headed girl comes outside to watch. All I could think was, good lord… So after trying to impress her by making a bunch of baskets I go to Dig Dug to ask who she is and then I try and talk to her. We ended up talking the rest of the day, the rest of the night, the rest of the week and so on and so forth. Little did I know by making those shots outside of Dig Dug’s house had little to no effect on her at all because she didn't like sports. Being a huge sports fan, this should have been a given for me, but it didn't matter at that point. I had a beautiful girl in my life who was interested in me. Oh glorious days...

            We dated for a very long time, almost four years. Four years of dating for our age group is an eternity, it just never happens. It just seemed like nothing ever got old. We fought about dumb shit, because that’s what couples do, but we literally never had any big fights. We were like a match made in heaven. The only thing that eventually became of our demise was that we really didn’t have much in common. Which like I said before is a very important part to a relationship. But we were willing to bend the rules. She didn’t like sports, so she was willing to start going to games and she actually ended up liking baseball. I was willing to bend by doing things like trying the weird foods she liked. I really didn’t end up liking any of it. But there was more than that. There was just some universal bond that kept us together.

            There was some stuff that pissed me off about her though, like there is with most people. She was very dirty. Not by the way you think I mean, but meaning she didn't throw shit away or clean. It literally got under my skin so much that I basically refused to go to her house because her room looked like a garbage disposal. I’m not even exaggerating when I say I once found a bowl of old cereal with curded milk by her bed side once. Gross. Other than that there were usually about 372 empty cans of pop peppered all over her room, mail ripped and shredded all over her floors, an inch thick of dust, and some sort of sticky film on her computer desk. All I could ever say was, why the fuck don’t you clean? I even offered to clean it. I am one of the cleanest and neat people you will ever meet trust me. Another thing that really got me going was her taste in music. I don’t know what it is with people our age but I swear there is some sort of mental block that doesn’t allow them to listen to good old bands like the Rolling Stones or the Beach Boys. They just get offended by the soothing sounds of their timeless music. But other than that, we had a healthy relationship.

By year three things started getting really serious. Unbeknownst to her, I had bought an engagement ring and planned popping the question that summer, but I didn’t really know how to do it. So being that we were both fans of baseball, I did probably one of the lamest things possible. I proposed before a Pittsburgh Pirates game. It wasn’t inside the stadium, I wasn’t on the jumbo-tron or any of that corny shit, I just did it before the game. It was actually kind of sweet now that I think about it. I secretly planned on a bunch of our friends to be there waiting for us while I did the deed. I took her down on the river walk, which if you didn’t know is right next to the stadium, and I asked her while our friends were watching from inside by the fence. They rejoiced and congratulated us. This was, to date, the best day of my life. I had never seen her that happy before either. The game sucked though, let me tell you that right now. The Pirates lost to some shitty team and it rained the whole time. Some omen on one of the greatest nights of your life right? Not only that, it was umbrella night and they literally wouldn’t let us use them. What kind of stupid fucking rule is that? Anyways, I actually think it’s like every girls fantasy to get married. And when they are asked, all they see is that shiny ring and the word yes just pops out of their mouth, because it’s obvious she didn’t want to say yes. At the time she did, but it just got worse and worse.

 After a while and after I graduated from school, and a lot of her friends had graduated with me, it was time for her to make new friends. She got really close to another boy who lived on the same floor as she did. You would think this would have bothered me but it really didn’t. I am not the jealous type. Until one day I went up to school to surprise her and apparently her roommate, that boy, and her were having a sleepover. This just got me going. It was a really weird feeling actually because I have never been jealous before, at least of some nerdy kid. It had to have been going on for a while because the kid even brought his desktop computer over so he could play computer games. Nothing says sexy like World of Warcraft. So needless to say I was angry. I had absolutely no thought in my mind that she cheated on me, especially with this box of turds, but I didn’t trust him. We got through it but then another incident happened where she was talking to another dude online. Not like every once in a while, like ALL the time. Again, nothing I got angry about, because who really gives a shit. But then they started texting and that’s when I got pissed. We were actually on a family trip to Disney World and she was talking to him more than me and I literally flipped my lid. I didn’t feel good about it, and in all actuality I felt bad about it. But it needed to be said. That’s when I think I started going down hill.

            She came over one fateful rainy day and gave me a call to come out to her car. I knew something was up because it was a school day and she never came home on a school day. Needless to say I was excited to see her but again, I knew something was up. It just kind of happened. She probably gave me some stupid reason of why but I don’t fucking remember. I was an emotional mess. Unlike when we got engaged, this had been one of the worst times of my life. On top of her doing this, a couple of weeks before my dog that I had had all of my life passed away. So needless to say I was an emotional wreck. We sat in the car for an hour, tears rolling down both of our faces, screaming, the heat steaming up the car. It was an intense scene, something I never want to relive again really. I took the ring from her, got out of the car, and I have never really seen her again, willingly that is. I have run into her a few times but whatever. It’s the first girl I ever loved, but I really doubt, and hope, it’s not the last.

            But enough of that sappy shit, its just one of the greatest yet worst things that ever happened to me and probably one of the main reasons why women piss me off more than a lot of things. I mean, how can someone go from being so in love with a person and then not be at the drop of a dime? It seriously doesn’t make any sense to me. I understand those stupid fucking equations that Albert Einstein was trucking out back in the day more than I understand relationships. I mean it’s not like I changed. All I can assume is that she changed.

            Something was brought to my attention not to long ago about relationships. It actually makes a lot of sense and it never really dawned on me when they said it but a lot of relationships break up around the age of 21. 21 is a fun number when you first turn that age. You drink way too much and you make stupid decisions. Sounds like the nightly schedule of a lot of people I know actually. But other than that, what exactly is there? Nothing really… what does happen, apparently, is an epidemic swirling the nation. A terrible thing called… twenty-oneitis. What exactly is this strange disease? It’s not really a disease, per say, but a way of living. Apparently once a woman by the age of 20 turns the age of 21 and just so happen to be in a serious relationship, they just sort of break it off. I have talked to many people where this has happened and it happened to me as well. Ask around, I guarantee it has happened to at least one of your friends. Again, this doesn’t make sense to me. I understand you want to have “fun” because for some stupid ass reason you couldn’t before that age, but seriously. You have to be some sore of tool to do this to someone. Is there not a regretful bone in your body? Because if I did something like that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. That’s basically saying, I am dumping you because I want to go sleep around with other dudes while I’m drunk. Is that now how you read that one? Because that’s sure what it seems like to me. My advice to any girl out there who turns 21 and is in a serious relationship… Get it out of your system before you turn or think twice about doing it at all. You’ll probably regret it.

            Also, what’s with these girls who are with a guy who they know isn’t right for them. I have talked to many people who are in a relationship solely on the fact that they want to be in one. That’s a good reason. Who am I kidding…Here I am, basically trudging along life without a companion when the answer was right in front of my face. Date a girl who is completely wrong for me. That makes sense, not really. But it does to a lot of people. I honestly think people just date people because they can. I have met people who literally date people because they can’t stand being alone. Why can’t you stand being alone? Some of the best things happen then. You can watch lame television shows and not be embarrassed, you can look at naughty things on the internet, or even eat a lot. All of those things sound wonderful. The possibilities are endless! I spend most of my time alone. How do you think I found time to write this book? Don’t get me wrong, I love having a girl by my side, a companion I can do anything with and tell anything to, but I’m not just going to date someone because they are there. It’s just not in my blood.

            I also have known girls who have held on to something for way to long. What I mean by this is that these people are just waiting, and waiting, and waiting for someone to call them and save the day. I can think of two people in my life just at this moment who complain to me about how these stupid men to call them but they never do. One, which I am quite smitten over at this very moment, talks to this dude who is an absolute prick. I have never met the guy, but the things she tells me about him are unreal. He will literally ask her to hang out and then she responds, and he doesn’t respond to her the rest of the night. This happens daily. And it has also happened for a while now. But yet, she keeps going after him. I can’t fathom the reason why but it happens all the time with a lot of girls. Another friend of mine is sort of dating this guy who lives out of the state. He will just text her sexually explicit things and that’s about it. No hello, how are you, but he will say come out and have sex with me. Sounds like a great dude to be dating. But who am I to say. I just won most polite in high school.

            There are many adjectives I have read and talked about with other men that can be used to describe some of the bad qualities of a lot of women. Such awful words such as psychotic, worthless, selfish, and even greedy have been brought up. But the one that gets my gears going and gets me in a tizzy is when a woman is vain. The girls who think they are the hottest thing since a jalapeno enema and flaunt it with an attitude have another thing coming. They are not better than anyone else in this world, they just look really good. Just because you are easy on the eyes doesn’t mean they need to be total assholes about everything. The only way they are nice is if they meet another girl who is uglier than they are or if they meet a man who has a tan and a six pack. Even then they are sort of a prick. Let’s set up a situation… I walk up to a gorgeous woman in a bar and try and talk to her. I am a big dude, there are no bones about that one, but I am not huge. So if I would approach a beautiful petite woman, most likely they will be a little intimidated. Not only that, I have one of the manliest beards on the face of the planet. It’s sort of irresistible. But like I said, if I approached this beautiful petite woman, she would most likely try and get away and if that didn’t work she would shoot me down. It would be like a fucking Olympic biathlon.

            Last but certainly not least women say they want men who can take care of their needs. What the hell do they need that I already have provided them? Honestly, what do they want? Cookies? An omelet? A lawn mower? How about a purple heart? Who knows sometimes what women want. Check that, who knows what women NEED most of the time. It’s literally a guessing game. I remember when I was engaged, she would play these stupid guessing games with me, like I was supposed to read her damn mind. Here is something that would literally make relationships 100 times easier. Tell us what you want girls.

 I know that this probably sounded like a big whine fest on my part, but all of

these things are true. I have seen and experienced all of them first hand. People may even be offended by the things I said but those weren’t my intentions. Its just I really think women take relationships very seriously, and ultimately, they can't enjoy them as a result. In turn this brings all of these other factors that I discussed into play. But let me say this… Men aren’t exactly perfect at relationships either. We have our flaws to. We just don’t show them. 

Coming up... Chapter 3: Music