Last night...

Last night was epic to say the least. Not only did I hang out with some awesome freaking people, I did something that I have never done before in my life. Let me start off by saying congratulations on a long and dubious career to Dave Hixon who will most likely have a happy retirement playing music constantly. Dave Hixon is Luke's, one of my best friends, father by the way. You see, we were at Mr. Hixon's retirement party at the California gun club. We roll up to the place thinking it is going to be a nice family get together with not many people. You know, nice and quaint. Well my friends, we were DEAD WRONG. Literally hundreds upon hundreds of people were packed into this, how do I say it nicely, typical southwestern Pennsylvania establishment ready for a kick ass party. Let me tell you, that is exactly what it was too. You know the typical kind of party where there is a gun hung with dental floss over the bar, there is a 50/50 raffle, and where you could win a holiday ham for virtually doing nothing at all. Now that is my kind of party.

I don't know if there were that many people there solely because of Mr.Hixon's retirement party or because the legendary classic rock cover band the Jades were playing. I would like to think it was because of reason numero uno, but I am not that gullible. You have to understand, these guys are legendary. They have played gigs in places like the Friendship Lounge and a bar in Rostraver. And not to sell them short, they are actually pretty damn good. Luckily for me, I had my good ol' pal and dancing fiend Scott with me to go up there and dance like complete fools. I actually won a blue ribbon ham for best dancer, or so we joked about. Nothing says good times like friends, cheap beer, a good band, and delicious food.

Mama Hixon made these meatball subs that were honestly to die for. Have you ever had a meal that was unforgettable? This sub was one of those meals. But I will tell you what, I know this is kind of gross but I don't know if it was all of the beer I drank or the meatball subs, but something didn't agree with me. Today, I smell like a dead horse shit itself in a landfill, was covered up with mothballs, and then was taken to a retirement village where it was left for not.... if you know what I'm saying. But that is beside the point.

I am not gonna lie, I drank quite a bit. Yuengling bottles were only $1.25, which is the deal of a lifetime. So I probably had about 8-10... not exactly sure. At one point, it was about 1am and there was still an hour left in the party. I was a bit drunk, but not so much that I was incoherent of my surroundings. In fact I noticed the woman beating the tambourine who was in Luke's kitchen randomly one morning. I walked down the steps in my underwear, not thinking anyone was up at the time. There wasn't... except for this strange woman just strutting around the kitchen. I ran back upstairs and told Luke there was a stranger in his house. You would think with this behavior I was maybe nine years old where in fact it literally happened a year ago today.  I recognized the man that looked exactly like Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers. I even went up to him and did the stupid belt thing that idiot does.

The man obviously looked at me like I was insane. To each his own though, the guy was like 7 feet tall. I also noticed the bitchy bartenders, one of which was trying way to hard to be sexy for her age (at least 45) and the other one who was just a plain douche with two chins.

Like I said before, I was drunk at this point, but not really really drunk. So I go up for another beer. I get up, walk over to the bar, this guy shoots his bar stool back and hits me, I drop my wallet I had in my hands, and because of this, the two bitchy bartenders cut me off. I dropped my wallet and because of this they cut me off! You should have seen my face. Later in the night we referred to it as the "Van Pelt". Not the former Giant Brad Van Pelt of ESPN announcer Scott Van Pelt, but the dude from the classic family film, Jumanji. This is what I honestly looked like... you know, minus the safari hat and outlandish facial hair.  

This is the first time I have ever gotten cut off in my life. And I would understand if I were not coherent, I get that. But because you were bitchy and saw me drop my wallet, I am not allowed to have a good time? I drop my wallet on a regular basis when I don't have an ounce of liquor in me. People must think I'm wasted when I am walking up steps because I trip all the freaking time. Whatever though, I was still with people I love on a special occasion. I'll give my blue ribbon ham to those bitchy bitches at the bar so they can get that unprecedented third chin they have been trying so hard for.