Twas the night before Christmas, and Greg Jackson was at Westmoreland Hospital taking calls from idiotic people.
Not a creature was stirring, except for the old ass people who don’t know how to make outside calls.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with lackluster effort,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would give him that Kindle Fire he wanted.
Not a creature was stirring, except for the old ass people who don’t know how to make outside calls.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with lackluster effort,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would give him that Kindle Fire he wanted.
Later that night, Buddy (my dog) was nestled all snug in my bed,
While visions of Captain Crunch danced in my head.
And mama on her heating pad, and I in my jam jam’s,
Had just settled our brains by taking a melatonin pill from GNC.
When out on the lawn there arose such a bright light,
I sprang from my broken down love seat to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I slowly stumbled,
Tore open the blind and threw up my middle finger
The moon on the breast while it rained for the 19th straight day
Gave the luster of mid-day to the flooding below.
When, what to my half caring eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and a bi-racial Santa.
With a little old driver, who was white by day and black by night,
I knew in that moment it must be him.
More rapid than the deer run during hunting season they came,
As he whistled, and shouted, and gang signed them by name!
"Yo Dasher! Yo, Dancer! Yo, Prancer and Vixen!
Move that ass, Comet! Shake it fast, Cupid and Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the back porch! To the top of their new gutter!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away y'all!"
As the dry leaves that I was too lazy to rake fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top on the blue shingles they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, St Nicholas, and hopefully a Kindle Fire too.
And then, in an instant, I heard on our roof
The annoying ass noise of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and while Buddy was going insane,
Down the chimney bi-racial Santa came with a thump.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his Nike’s,
And his clothes were all messed up with ashes and soot.
A bundle of gadgets and such he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a bum who stayed at the dirty hotel downtown.
His eyes-how they looked unnatural! His dimples how odd!
His cheeks and his nose were, let’s say, chocolaty!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a… who gives a damn,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow that never comes.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
for Santa apparently has a nicotine addiction.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, as he thought about going on a diet!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old dude,
And I laughed when I saw him eating the sugar free cookies we made!
Sucker I said with a twist of my head,
I then soon realized I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Putting a toothbrush in my stocking, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
I then realized that Santa had more than a nicotine addiction.
He jumped to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a man with a plan.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Here is your Kindle Fire, you son of a bitch!"
When, what to my half caring eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and a bi-racial Santa.
With a little old driver, who was white by day and black by night,
I knew in that moment it must be him.
More rapid than the deer run during hunting season they came,
As he whistled, and shouted, and gang signed them by name!
"Yo Dasher! Yo, Dancer! Yo, Prancer and Vixen!
Move that ass, Comet! Shake it fast, Cupid and Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the back porch! To the top of their new gutter!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away y'all!"
As the dry leaves that I was too lazy to rake fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top on the blue shingles they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, St Nicholas, and hopefully a Kindle Fire too.
And then, in an instant, I heard on our roof
The annoying ass noise of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and while Buddy was going insane,
Down the chimney bi-racial Santa came with a thump.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his Nike’s,
And his clothes were all messed up with ashes and soot.
A bundle of gadgets and such he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a bum who stayed at the dirty hotel downtown.
His eyes-how they looked unnatural! His dimples how odd!
His cheeks and his nose were, let’s say, chocolaty!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a… who gives a damn,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow that never comes.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
for Santa apparently has a nicotine addiction.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, as he thought about going on a diet!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old dude,
And I laughed when I saw him eating the sugar free cookies we made!
Sucker I said with a twist of my head,
I then soon realized I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Putting a toothbrush in my stocking, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
I then realized that Santa had more than a nicotine addiction.
He jumped to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a man with a plan.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Here is your Kindle Fire, you son of a bitch!"
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