Tom Brady

Hey everyone! Tom Brady got a haircut... Thanks Yahoo! Literally not one person gives a damn. Here is a joke for you...

What does a box of 8 penises look like? 

But here, we have a website making a big deal about some ass clown getting a haircut. Thanks Yahoo for making me aware of the fact that Tom Bray does not look like a woman anymore. Actually, yes he does. God I hate Tom Brady...

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 3

Boy this is getting a little routine... but of course I won this week again beating "The Sanchize" 109-87. There was no doubt it in fact. We had a few candidates this week for my shithead. My receivers really let me down. First off, Kenny Britt, who shouldn't have been playing because of an injury, tore his ACL because of his arrogance and competitiveness. So he is out for the season. What was once a promising year went down the tubes because he couldn't swallow his pride and rest for a damn week. But, I can't give him my award for not getting any points because he got badly injured. Mr. Bowe actually had a good game and Jordy Nelson only had four points... but again this was against the Bears defense. I could pick Jordy Nelson but I feel as though I need to spread the love to some other positions. With that said...

Your winner of the week 3 shithead award is... Jahvid Best!

Jahvid Best, the tiny ass running back for the Detroit Lions, had a measly eight points for my team. See, my thinking was that this guy was going to run a lot and catch the ball a lot. He does do these things... but apparently this day he didn't do much of it. It was against the Vikings defense, which is not as stout as it used to be but 14 yards on 12 carries, dude? Come on... Thank God you can catch the damn ball (five receptions for 74 yards). What the hell was he doing? APPARENTLY running into a brick wall.

How about next time you decide to forget how to hit a hole, you let me know. I would rather start the back up for the Browns, Montario Hardesty... and he is basically worthless.

Time travel? You serious?

It has come to my attention that scientists have discovered something called neutrinos. What the hell are neutrinos you ask? I don't have the slightest clue... but what I do know is that it has something to do with time travel. FREAKING TIME TRAVEL! Well, apparently these things that they found may actually move faster than the speed of light and could be exactly what was needed for the beginning stages of time travel. God, what I would do if I could time travel... Just think of the possibilities... I mean, you could be anything you want to be. You could go back and be some mischievous asshole and just screw with stupid little shit. Or you could do something bigger. Me, I would only do two things. Not two things in total but a general two things...  1) Things that affect my life directly and 2) things that annoy me. Here are a few ideas...

Make a better life decision

Play catcher for the Pirates in the 1992 NLCS

Never... eeeeeevvvvvver go see Huey Lewis and the News in concert

Start MTV myself so Jersey Shore is never something that exists

This is just the tip of the ice burg, trust me.

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 2

I know I started this last week and thought that I would at least have one player on my team that sucked each and every week. But... let's be real for a second. I may have the most complete fantasy football team to ever grace the game itself. This is not me being cocky either, it is based solely on the proof. Sure, Mr. Bowe, my week one winner, may have had a shitty week one. He couldn't catch a damn cold for Christ sake. But, he bounced back with five catches for 105 yards and even rushed for 12 yards. That is a hell of a performance. Literally all of my players on my team this week... except for my kicker... scored double digits. Most of them even had 20 points or more. I cant blame my kicker, Sebastian Janikowski, for not scoring more than five points. The RAIDERS couldn't be stopped on offense. So, in honor of not having a single bad player on my team, I had a hard time picking my shithead. Therefor...

Your winner of the week 2 shithead award is... Brian Kuhn!

Yes, Brian Kuhn, or as we like to call him, Kuhn, was my opponent this week and this apparently what he was doing while our draft was going on.

I mean, I love you dude but sheesh... That was brutal. 156-91 was the final score. Better luck next time kid, but thanks for the easy win. That is all I really have to say about Kuhn...

Once again I would like to congratulate you, my good friend Brian Kuhn, on the illustrious award. Now all you have to worry about in life is what it would have been like if you could have gone into Burns Drug on Pittsburgh Street... Sorry Kuhn, but I cant make that one come true buddy. 

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 1

Here is the thing... I haven't played fantasy football for a long time. At least two years to be precise. So I thought it was just about time to get back into it again. Then, after one damn week, I remember why the hell I stopped doing it in the first place. It is the single most stressful thing on this planet, that's why. I could draft the AFC all star team yet the person I am playing that week will win with some breakout performance from some scrub that no one has ever heard of. It makes me want to punch a hole in the wall. But since I am writing this little old blog, I figured I would maybe give some sort of award away to the player that sucks the most on my team every week. Trust me, knowing my luck, there will be a lot of candidates every single week. Drum roll please...

Your winner of the week 1 shithead award is... DWAYNE BOWE!

For week one, Mr. Bowe had a stat line of a depressing 2 receptions for a whopping 17 yards. Come on man, you had 75 receptions and nearly 1,200 yards last year. You gotta do better than that... I mean honestly, what were you doing? I seriously think you got lost on the way back from halftime.

Luckily, I tied this week 126-126. But for God sake, you couldn't have gained 3 more yards? You waste of a frigging roster spot... You were playing Buffalo... How more awful can you get, dude? With the way your season is going, I wouldn't be surprised if you were a multiple winner of this illustrious award. I would be proud of you in all honesty. But before I jump to any conclusions, you do have Detroit next week. So you actually may catch more than 2 balls. I could have more than 2 catches against Detroit. Prove me wrong, Dwayne. I'm begging you...

Once again... Your week 1 recipient of my fantasy football shithead award... Dwayne Bowe!

The Insult King

Someone told me the other day that I use a lot of different insulting words. They are absolutely correct. So I decided to make a list of all the insulting things I say to people. These are in no particular order and will be sort of censored... Just to cover my own ass...

1. Douche                                                   
2. Doucher                                                   
3. Douchette                                                
4. Ass
5. Ass wipe
6. Dingus
7. Dangus
8. Goober
9. Dope
10. Doper
11. Idiot
12. Idiot face
13. F---er
14. F---tard
15. F---face
16. Little Sh--
17. Sh-- for brains
18. Sh--head
19. Sh--face
20. Sh--wad
21. Piece of sh--
22. Bastard
23. Dick
24. Dickhead
25. Dick face
26. Penis
27. Penis breath
28. Piss ant
29. Hippie
30. Hipster
31. Tom Brady
32. Tits Mcgee
33. Retard
34. Re-re
35. Turd
36. Dip
37. Dip-Sh--
38. Pompous ass
39. Skinny ass
40. Prick
41. Prick face

That's literally all I could think of right now. You got any more I say then I can add them in later. Like Weird Al is the waffle king, I now consider myself the king of the insults. I now own two illustrious honors... the king of kindness and the king of the insults. Beat that sh--!

Movie clothes

*WARNING*

Obscure movie references will be riddled throughout this entire blog. Be prepared.

When the news of Nike actually making the shoes worn by Marty McFly in Back to the Future 2 hit me, it was like I was hit by a truck. Not just any truck, a 1985 Toyota SR5 like Marty drove.

The Internet is literally buzzing over the fact that these shoes are being released. Little does everyone know that they are only making 1,500 pair. So I said to myself... it will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine... So I do some digging. APPARENTLY, these 1,500 pair of shoes are only going to be sold through auction with all proceeds going to the Michael J. Fox foundation. So there is the silver lining, I guess...So that got me thinking. If something as small yet so iconic could create such a buzz, what other clothing from movies could do the same? Here are some of my ideas.

1.

Han Solo's Tech Vest

2.

Skut Farcus's fox skin hat

3.

The Dude's shorts

4.

 Jake and Elwood's suit

Trust me when I say I had literally 20 more of these. Maybe I will make a part two later.

Gord-o

Lately, I literally can't stop watching the television show Kitchen Nightmares. I have no idea why, but I have never been entranced so much by one television show in my life. The more I thought about it though, it makes more sense than I thought. As some of you may have known, before I went to school for my useless degrees, I actually wanted to go to culinary school. Although I love to cook, and I tend to think I am pretty good at it when I do, I am sort of glad I did not go in that direction. I worked for a year as a server at Crapplebees and it was hell on earth. I know what I went through, and I know what the cooks went through. But I digress... That is only one reason I am so fascinated by the show. The main reason I love the show is this... Gordan Ramsay is literally everything I ever want to be.

Everything he is is exactly what I want to be... awesome, admired, wealthy, famous, successful, confident, and cocky just to name a few. Let's face facts here. I am one cocky and confident bastard, there is no denying that one. But this man just absolutely oozes it out of every pore. If I were half the man he is, I couldn't even fathom where I would be today. Although he may seem like a hard ass, I really don't think he is either. I mean, he goes in and helps these ridiculously stupid ass people and their delusions of grandeur to make them turn their business around into something that works. That's uber admirable. Shit man, I probably would run away giggling while flipping them the bird on the way out. That's how I would fix that shit.
I would go as far as saying that Gord-o and I are probably the two coolest people on the planet. And just think, I am a distant second. It's unfathomable to imagine what I could accomplish if I had all of his qualities. So yeah, i guess I want to be like Gordan Ramsay. Is that such a bad thing?  Plus, chicks dig accents. So that would be kind of awesome too.

Gasoline Dreams

The price of gasoline baffles me. Like the stock market a few posts back, I really don't understand the whole process, especially the pricing of the product. Honestly, I have tried to have people explain it and to me it seems as though it's some sort of damn craps shoot. Some oil guy wakes up one day and is like, "I guess it's time."

Doing anything short of becoming a damn oil tycoon myself, I don't think I will ever get it. So here are my top 10 reasons why I think gas goes up every other frigging day. 

1) The local Boy Scout troop is taking a trip

2) A new movie directed by Ronald Emmerich is being shot... a movie even shittier than his last 10

3) Lady Gaga is stupid and sucks real bad

4) Reruns of Frasier are still on the air

5) Just because

6) Some dude bowled a 300

7) Little Scotty down the street made a friend

8) The oil tycoons wanted to go to Kokomo

9) A bear riding a bike

10) It rained the other day

That's all I got. In all honesty I really don't think there are any real reasons for it. Unless the reason is to piss me off then they have done a good job at their jobs thus far. Great job, I guess.