Dude

It has been a while my friends. To be honest, most of my time has been spent either with my family, including my girlfriend, working out, or trying to find another God damned job. Once again I cant reiterate how hard it is to find a fucking job. Let me say this again… I HAVE A MASTERS DEGREE YOU IMBECILES! I DO NOT WANT PAID $50 AN HOUR BECAUSE OF IT. I JUST WANT A JOB THAT PAYS MORE THAN $11 PER HOUR AND, PREFERABLY, ONE I ACTUALLY ENJOY. Now, in the wise words of the one and only Christ Tucker, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? I have lost nearly 100 pounds, something people have struggled with for decades and decades, but I can’t find a damn job. I know some people, including my good friend Jared who have literally had 3 or 4 really nice full time jobs already. I consult him for help, even having him edit my resume, and you think it helped? Absolutely not. I can’t get a damn interview let alone land the big one. But, here I go… complaining about something that I APPARENTLY can’t control for, I don’t know, the 175^th time?

But like I always say, obladi oblada.

And as my continuing saga at this current job goes on more outlandishly, I have yet another story to tell. You remember about a year ago, I told a story about how we go yelled at for “horsing around”. I still have no idea what that means or how that phrase even came about. Then I got called into the office about 10 months ago for “being too relaxed”… whatever the hell that also means. How can someone be too relaxed? But this time it is much different. Over the past year, I have formed relationships with the people I talk to over the phone every single day, aka my customer base. With that said, I usually talk to them like I would my friends and family. I am very relaxed with them, as you know, and I can basically say whatever I want to them… or so I thought.

At this point you probably think I left an f bomb drop or even said a rude comment about their mother on the phone. But no… I did something much much worse. Think of literally the worst possible thing that could ever be said to a customer and then gasp. Because that is what was said. I am not exactly sure how or when it happened but APPARENTLY I said the word “Dude” on the telephone. ALERT THE PRESSES! CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD IN! How dare I say that God awful word. It is almost as bad as saying Vold…. I mean he who shall not be named. Blasphemy!

Not only do I not understand how any person could be offended by this word, I know for a fact that I would have never said it to someone who did not have a penis. I would never EVER say that to a woman, besides my girlfriend joking around of course. So it had to be an actual dude whom I said it to. With that in mind, I only talk to one “dude” on an frequent basis… and I am not really sure why that “dude” would be offended. He is on my level.

So why exactly is it so offensive? Besides the simple fact that it really isn’t, of course, there are many things to take into consideration here. For example… Bill and Ted were just two cool cats who wanted to pass a history test. Were they terrible people because they said “dude” every other word or so? I don’t think so. In fact, they were the epitome of cool for a while. 

You know what, this is stupid… There is literally not one thing offensive about the word “dude”. Literally, not one thing. I can’t even make shit up for it to be offensive. Now what IS offensive is when you get reprimanded for forming relationships with your customers. Although I really don’t agree with it, they say “customer service” creates new and repeat customers. That is bull… you know what creates new and repeat customers? A good product at a cheap price. If I call my favorite pizza place for a pie and they cuss me out left and right, call me a fatty for ordering a large for myself, and then make a comment about my mother, I don’t give a damn. The pizza is delicious and a good price for what you receive. If I call pizza hut and they have phone sex with me, I don’t give two shits because their pizza tastes like balls… with pepperoni. I am doing everything short of cupping these peoples balls and they are offended by the word “dude? Oi vey people… grow a spine.

I forgot to mention what their exact quote was about me saying the word “dude” to my customer. They stated “what, do you work at Billabong?” I actually laughed out loud at that statement and how outrageously absurd it was. So if I am doing my math right here, my coworkers now view me as a really relaxed surfer who works at Billabong and likes to play limbo in chairs on their free time. Now that is the definition of “dude” if I have ever heard one. Thanks bra. That is a touching view of my appearance and demeanor. Because to be honest, I look more like a neo nazi than a freaking hippie. So I guess I should be grateful they think I am a stoner.