Why I HATE the New England Patriots

On the eve of Super Bowl XLVI, or 46 for you dopes who don't know Roman numerals, I find myself in a bit of a dilemma. I can't decide on which reason I actually hate the Patriots so much... Waaaait a second. I remember now...

TOM BRADY

 

As many of you know, I have a extreme dislike for this man. I have written at least one blog post, that I can remember, making a joke about this guy. I believe I called him a box of penises or something like that. But besides the fact that he is a giant box of penises, there are a plethora of other reasons why I hate this man. But this is could possibly be nemero uno on my shit list for this man.

Honestly, I have NEVER seen a man wear Ugg boots. And I will never see a respectable man wear a pair of Ugg boots. That's is a stone cold fact. If I wore a pair of those, my man boobs would actually generate some breast tenderness. Even the people who hired the guy to model them were laughing at how outlandish the whole situation was.

So in tribute to Super Bowl XLVI and Tom Brady's time of the month... LET'S GO GIANTS! I will scream it from a frigging mountain top. Break Tom Brady's petite feminine body in half and tell him he has split ends. It will hurt his feelings and will be steaming about it for at least a week.

The Mysteries of Life #3

RoboCop Remake? Really?

While I have been pretty outspoken about remakes in the past, it has been nothing but basically impartial. You really think I care they did a remake of Footloose? Not really. The original sucks so hard that I know it to be scientifically proven that the new one sucks twice as much. So seriously, I don't give a damn. But when Hollywood goes and screws up something I love, such as my #6 movie of all time, it's personal daddy-o. Just watch this trailer. It's freaking epic.

Seriously, RoboCop is a perfect movie. It has awesome action, spectacular special effects for it's time, an unbelievably good storyline, and a wonderful cast. How in God's name could they do anything with it? Yeah, they could put some big name doofus actor in the role of Officer Murphy/Robocop, but what the hell would that do? After seeing some of the considerations for the title role, I know what it would do... Simply put more asses in the seats to see it. I mean, Chris Pine? Really? Revamped Captain Kirk couldn't pull that role off. He is the complete opposite of officer Murphy's stoic and serious demeanor. But you know what he is? A heart throb that will actually make women want to go see the film. Or how about the latest actor rumored for the role, Russell Crowe. Now it makes even more sense. Women take their panties off to go see movies with this guy in them. It's completely obvious. Can you picture how outlandish they will look? 

or...

This just means they will cast some blond bombshell for the role of Officer Lewis too, which makes literally no sense what so ever. They live in modern day Detroit for God sake. There are no good looking people there. Trust me, I have been there.

Now before I could have gotten any more pissed off about the idea of remaking a classic action film such as RoboCop, I wanted to look into a bit more. Who exactly was directing this debacle? If it was someone awesome then maybe it would save the fact that they had a terrible idea in the first place. What if it was someone cool like Tim Burton would maybe be a good fit... think Batman Returns. Maybe Guillermo del Toro would even be a good fit. But actually, the first person who popped into my head was Frank Miller, who directed such films as 300 and Sin City. I quickly remembered that he popped into my head for a great reason. Miller directed RoboCop 2 and 3 and did a pretty damn good job at it if I do say so myself. So who is the director of this supposed remake? It just so happens to be some man named Jose' Padhilha who has directed such "box office smashes" as Elite Squad and Elite Squad 2: The Enemy Within. Oi vey... Could this be any worse?

Yes... it can... The only way this could be any worse is if this movie is actually made. These are all just mere rumors and the film is "in development" so it could fall off the table at anytime. But just like my worst nightmares came true when they remade Nightmare on Elm Street, I know they will make this as well. Kill me now people, kill me now. Did anyone see that version of nightmare? Literally one of the worst films I have ever seen. Like a good consumer though I will obviously go and see it. How can I keep away from something that has the word RoboCop in it? Its virtually impossible. I will tell you one thing that WOULD keep me away from it though.

I seriously wouldn't put it past these idiots. If that turd Nicolas Cage was RoboCop I would literally protest at the film studio. I wouldn't pay to see that movie. In fact, I wouldn't buy that for a dollar.

Scouts and Epstein

I watched a documentary this evening about something that was a large part of my childhood. This was something that, for some reason, is frowned upon by people now a days and I seriously have no idea why. Maybe it's the dorky uniforms, maybe it's the mainly male groupings, but I will tell you what it isn't... the comradery. You see, I watched a documentary about a couple of boys who are in a Boy Scout troop in Harlem, New York. The film was called, oddly enough, 759: Boy Scouts of Harlem.

I was a Boy Scout in troop 160 in the mean streets of Everson, Pennsylvania for almost 15 years if you include the couple of years I was also an Assistant Scout Master. So this film touched home a little bit.

I sat there watching these kids go to camp thinking, man do I miss those days. I miss all of the good things I learned and all of the bad things my fellow scouts and I did. I miss all of the dumb shit we used to get ourselves into, like the time a couple of friends and I somehow got lost in the woods for six hours. How did we get out you ask? The only way a scout knows... follow the sound of the gun range. Smart cookies we were. And we missed the best lunch of the week which happened to be something we called chicken butt holes. I will let your mind wonder on that one a bit. I even miss the merit badge classes oddly enough. One of those very classes that really sticks out in my mind was wilderness survival, where we actually had to build shelter in the middle of the woods and stay in it for a night. Needless to say I literally did not sleep a wink. Hell I even miss taking the rookie campers out snipe hunting. I honestly never thought I would say that.
  
Now not that this has anything to do with anything, but if you don't know what snipe hunting is, I will tell you in a brief moment. But what you have to understand is the fact that these kids would literally take anything an older scout would say to heart. They were at a the young, exuberant, and stupid age of about 11 or 12. We were 17 or so. I mean for God sake, just to play with their heads a little we used to carefully take their whole bunks out of their tent and put them in a completely different part of camp while they were sleeping. Nowhere that they would be in danger of course, but somewhere that is unfamiliar. Completely harmless fun. So like I said, one of the traditions was to take the rookie campers snipe hunting. This, of course, is the act of taking a couple of them out in the woods, telling them what a snipe is (a completely fictional animal in which you could make up the details) and telling them to catch one. Seeing their faces light up with excitement was hilarious in its own right, but seeing them lift up dead trees, gigantic rocks, and romp around in water was the cherry on top. God I miss all of that.

Unfortunately, we all have to grow up. From the 25 years or so I have now lived I can say with 100% honesty that two of my biggest accomplishments came from scouting. One of those was that I was able to participate in a ceremony at the tomb of the unknown solider in Washington DC. Not many people can say they have done that and it is a very important tradition in it's own right. Also, I can also say that I attained the rank of Eagle scout, which is also a rank not many people can say they have achieved. A lot of hard work and dedication goes into that award and no one can take that away from me. Here is a picture of me at my Eagle scout ceremony where I was young and weird looking.

I have met hundreds of people through scouting and I still talk to a lot of them today. The stories I could tell you... But most importantly scouting was something that I can share with my father. That is the one thing that I know my father and I will always have between us.

With all of that said, why do people think scouting is such a faux pas activity these days? I would like to think it is because of the before mentioned weird uniforms. I mean have you seen the shorts? 1950 called and wants it's length back. But I honestly don't think it is that. What I do think is that people look at it as sort of a thing of the past, like you can't learn anything from it anymore. Well I take that comment and raise you this... After sitting here and thinking about it a bit, my scouting days were sort of like college in a sense. I was there for a very long time, learned a bunch of crap that I will probably never use, and I met a lot of cool freaking people along the way. I grew as a person physically, mentally, and socially in both of those activities and they were both very useful in many different ways. But I will surely say this, I will tie a square knot a lot more than using my knowledge of how to load a reel to reel player. You can take that to the bank.

I guess what I am trying to say is that scouting had a huge influence on my life and I really wish more people would consider it as a learning tool. I used to get made fun of hardcore for being a part of it but I never thought for a second that I would quit. My kids will be involved in scouting and hopefully their kids and their kids as well.

Also...

Something very tragic has happened and I had no idea it actually happened until a day or so ago. I don't usually do this sort of thing on my blog or Facebook unless this person had a pretty important impact on my life. So with that said... One of my favorite television shows of all time is the timeless stories of an inner city school teacher by the name of Mr. Kotter. Mr. Kotter teaches a class full of misfits by the names of Barbarino, Horshack, Freddie Boom Boom Washington, and Epstein. These four guys were better known as the Sweathogs though. Needless to say, this show was very good and in my opinion one of the most timeless shows of all time. If you don't believe me, here is a clip from one of my favorite episodes.

If that didn't make you laugh there is seriously something wrong with you. Anyways... the reason I am writing this is because of the fact that I had no freaking idea Epstein, or Robery Hegyes, died on Thursday from a heart attack. He was 60 years old. A tragic loss in the pop culture world and the television community, here is to you Epstein! I am going to watch the entire first season in your memory. You will be missed sir.

Mind Grapes

I know I just harped about not using Yahoo anymore... so sue me... But I thought this was absolutely hilarious. There is an article on the front page right now giving people seven ways to keep your brain young. Meanwhile this is the picture representing the article..

More like...

Here is the secret to keeping your mind young, people. Don't get old. There it is. Now I saved you from reading that waste of time like I did. 

My All Star Family

As I sat there this morning watching the usual ESPN programming of Sportscenter about 12 times in a row, they played a vignette of NFL players who are going to be free agents this season. Two out of the top five free agents they talked about had the last name of Jackson. So it got me thinking... I knew there were a lot of players in sports with my last name, but how many? Well instead of actually counting how many, I decided to make an all star starting lineup for each sport from players with my last name. You would think this would be easy, but seriously it wasn't... I studied every player with my last name and their position. The players could be from present day players of past. And I chose the best possible players for their position.

I think I will start with baseball. You would think that there were many players with the last name of Jackson in the over 100 years of the sport, but you would be mistaken. In fact, only about 35 players with that last name have ever made the majors. The rest were career minor leaguers. So here is my starting lineup with that minimal talent to work with...

MLB

SP- Larry Jackson- 194 wins and 183 losses with a career 3.40 ERA with the Cardinals, Cubs, and Phillies.

C- Me- Unbelievably there has never ever been a major league catcher by the name of Jackson. I was   stunned. So being that I got a catchers glove recently, I will take the reigns. Unfortunately for my bad knees...

1B- Connor Jackson- This honestly was my best option. A career .271 hitter with 52 homers on the Diamondbacks, A's, and Bo Sox.

2B- Damian Jackson- A journeyman with a career .243 batting average with 32 homers on nine teams. My best choice... I swear

3B- Randy Jackson- This guy had a career .261 average in ten seasons with the Cubs, Dodgers, and Indians. He also clubbed 103 homers in that span.

SS- Travis Jackson- Finally an alright player. Hell, a GREAT player. This hall of famer had a career .291 average with 1,768 hits. He only hit 135 homers but come on, he is a short stop. He also played his whole career with the Giants.

LF- Shoeless Joe Jackson- This great player had a unreal career .356 average with 1772 hits and 54 homers in the dead ball era. But even more impressive, 202 steals and .423 on base percentage.

CF- Bo Jackson- This duel sport all star only played eight seasons, but had a .250 average with 141 dingers and nearly 600 hits with three teams.

RF- Reggie Jackson- Another great hall of fame player who would be in the cleanup spot on my lineup. Mr.October had a career .262 average with a whopping 563 homers. He has an MVP award, a couple silver sluggers, and a handful of all star appearances under his belt as well.

That is my starting nine for my baseball team. Next...

NBA

Up next is NBA. Now, you would probably think that since Jackson is mainly an African American name... you racist... that there would be many people who have played under it. You are wrong. In fact,there has never been a freaking center in the NBA by that name. With that said, here is my starting five...

PG- Mark Jackson- A great pass first guard who averaged 8 assists per game. He also averaged 9.6 points per game and about one steal as well. A former all star and also won rookie of the year honors in 88'. He also played for nine NBA franchises.

SG- Bobby Jackson- This tiny man played for four NBA franchises in his career, most notably coming off the bench for those successful Sacramento Kings teams. He averaged 9.7 ppg in his eight year career.

SF- Stephen Jackson- Stephen has had a very productive career thus far averaging 16.3 ppg, 4 rpg, and playing for six NBA franchises. He is currently playing in Charlotte.

PF- Jim Jackson- This dude is the definition of journeyman, playing for 12 NBA teams in his 14 year career. Even though he played for so many teams, he still averaged 14.3 ppg. He is also NOT a power forward, but literally my only option being that he is 6ft 6in.

C- Darnell Jackson- The tallest possible option for center in the realm of players named Jackson. He is currently playing for the Sacramento Kings. He only averages 2.2 ppg and sucks. But, he is 6ft 9in tall.

There is my starting five in the NBA. Not too bad... Just wait till I get to this next category.

NHL

Let's be serious here... have you ever heard of anyone in the NHL named Jackson? Yeah, me neither.

G- Percy Jackson- The guy literally played seven games from the years 1931-1936. He played for the Rangers, Americans, and Bruins.

C- Art Jackson- This guy actually had a pretty good NHL career. Playing for the Maple Leafes, Bruins, and Americans from 1931-1939. He scored 123 goals, had 178 assists and 144 penalty minutes.

RW- Harvey Jackson- Harvey, or Busher as everyone called him, also played for the Maple Leafes, Americans, and Bruins. He played from 1929-1944 scoring 241 goals, 234 assists, and 437 penalty minutes.

LW- Jim Jackson- Jim didn't really have a productive career for the Flames and the Sabres. He ended his four year career scoring 17 goals, 30 assists, and 20 penalty minutes.

D- Don and Harold Jackson- The starting two defensemen had very productive careers. Don played ten seasons for the Stars, Oilers, and Rangers. He scored 16 goals, 52 assists, and had 640 penalty minutes. Harold played for the Red Wings and the Hawks from 1936-1947. He had 17 goals, 34 assists, and 208 penalty minutes.

  

Wow, enthralling stuff. Now finally we have...

NFL

Just to get one thing straight... Instead of listing EVERY SINGLE POSITION, I am just going to do the offense. I know, people are going to yell at me for hating on the defense, but honestly there weren't many players. There also was not one kicker to choose from. So I had to limit it.

QB- Tarvaris Jackson- This seriously was my best pick. But he has had an okay career thus far. On two teams in five years, he has 38 touchdowns and 35 interceptions. Throw in five rushing touchdowns on to that total makes the numbers a bit more managable, but he has an awful QB rating of 77.7.

RB- Earnest Jackson- A mediocre career for the Chargers, Eagles, and Steelers, he played from 1983-1988. He had a total of 4,167 yards and 22 touchdowns. He also made two pro bowls.



WR- Harold Jackson- Having a hugely productive career, he played from 1968-1987 for six teams. His career totals include 579 receptions, 10,372 yards, and 76 touchdowns. An all-pro, a five time pro bowler, and lead the league multiple times in multiple categories, he is arguably the best player on my list.

TE- Keith Jackson- The final player on my list played for three teams from 1988-1996. He had a very productive career with 441 receptions, 5,283 yards, and 49 touchdowns. A six time pro bowler, a three time all pro, and a Super Bowl champion.

Now what have we learned from all of this? A lot of people by the name of Jackson have played in the Philadelphia area, there has never been a man by the name of Jackson to play catcher, and there aren't many good athletes with my last name. Makes me wish all the more I would have stuck to the whole athletics thing in my high school career. Gotta bring this proud name back to prominence. I mean seriously... Tarvaris and Percy Jackson? Anyways... I have always wanted to do this, now I have, and I hope you have enjoyed it.

Google or Yahoo?

For literally years, people have been yelling at me when they use my computer. Why you ask? For quite possibly the dumbest reason of all. My home page is Yahoo, not Google. Yes, that is right. People have formed allegiances over trivial things such as what their home page should be. But over the past couple months, I have been seeing their point, sort of. these said people give me stupid reasons like "it is a better search engine" or "you will get better results with Google." It is a damn search engine people, you are going to get basically the same results anyways. What, do you just enjoy saying the word "Google" more than Yahoo or something?

The reason I like(d) Yahoo so much more is because I got the majority of my current events off of it's home page. Seriously, I don't think I would know who the hell Mitt  Romney was if it wasn't for Yahoo. I also wouldn't know I now have a shot with Katy Perry if it weren't for Yahoo's homepage. So thank you for that.

But besides the fact that I do enjoy getting my news from over payed AP writers, I do not enjoy seeing an article every single day about how my degrees are basically useless. I don't know how many times I have to hear this before it sinks in... Oh wait I already did know that.

Seriously, I swear to god there has been an article on the front four stories that claims either...
1) What degrees are terrible?
2) You suck for going to college, you moron.
3) Is your degree virtually useless?
4) Should you use your degree as a fire starter?

Or how about the article that has been there the past couple of days with the uplifting title of, "college majors that are useless." Even the picture is hilariously uplifting.


The man is looking at a chart in a wheat field. Things like this happen all of the time. But seriously Yahoo, how about you stop rubbing it in everyone's face about what they want to do with their lives and actually do something about it. Why don't you hire some of those horticulture majors mentioned in your article to do something? What's that? You don't know what they could do for you? I don't know, man. Hire them to grow an organic garden or something. I know you all are probably hipster nerds who love to wear scarves indoors. Don't those people think its cool to eat organic too? Hipsters do love sticking it to the man and all.

I remember an article a few weeks back saying that communication degrees are basically extinct. This made me laugh something awful. I guess people don't need to communicate anymore. You know, there are no such things as telephones, or televisions, or radio waves. Those things are extinct. All that exists now are search engines. And terminators apparently. Yahoo actually bought Skynet.

That robot either went to Yale or I am totally right. I think I'll change to Google...

Is it really a surprise?

In a tragic turn of events, Paula Deen announced to the world yesterday that she has type two diabetes. Honestly people, is this actually a surprise? I have not had one day of medical training in my life, but I am pretty sure putting two sticks of butter in literally every recipe is bad for you. I think this woman brushes her teeth with melted margarine for God sake. I mean, whatever floats your boat, man. From what I understand she was even sponsored.

Just to prove my point, let's look at a couple of her recipes. Lets tart it out with a simple one.

1. Paula Deen's home style buttered noodles (sure to be the hit of the party and a diabetes jump starter)

    Ingredients          

               - 3 sticks of butter

               - bag of noodles

    Directions

               - Boil the noodles 

               - Melt the butter sticks

               - Mix those bad boys together

Or how about this classic?

2. Paula Deen's southern style deep fried butter sticks (for those hardcore butter addicts who want to croak)

Ingredients          

               - 6 sticks of butter

               - Cooking oil

               - Flour      

    Directions

               - Bring that oil to a boil

               - Sprinkle that butter with the flour.

               - Add seasoning if you would like. It's ok kids, I wont tell.

               - Drop that butter in the boiling oil

               - Pray to whatever God you worship that the butter doesn't melt

               - If it does melt, however, just spray whatever is left with that spray butter. It's like the same thing.

Obviously I made those up but honestly it's not far from the truth. I looked up a couple of her recipes and just for example, there are seven tablespoons in her deep fried cheesecake. Good lord that is a lot. I didn't even mention the fact that you DEEP FRY IT AFTERWARDS! That is basically like injecting lard into your veins with a syringe.  

But let's be serious here for a second. Diabetes is no laughing matter. Both of my parents have it and I want nothing to do with it. But I am pretty sure if you don't cut out the outrageous "southern style" cooking antics, you might lose a limb, Paula. Just start deep frying celery or something. You might feel better.