Bitch

I know you, my adoring fans and confidants, have not heard from me in quite a while. For that I apologize. But my life has been nothing but busy the past two months or so. Just to give you all an update, if you really care, I now am dating a wonderful girl, I FINALLY hit my first weight goal going below 200 pounds, and I am still working the same incredibly mundane job I did two months ago. But I digress. Let’s get into the completely random issues that have been on my mind lately…

I was always one to think that insanity is something you were born with, not something you formed over time. But I will tell you, from experience, I am becoming a little angrier, a little more aggressive, and even a bit loopier everyday.

For example… Let’s take into consideration that I have been on this earth for almost 26 years and it is still a mystery why eggs give me a massive amount of discomfort after I eat them… if you know what I mean. Yet I still eat them consistently knowing I am going to be a miserable fool for the next eight hours or so. Now I know what you are thinking. Why is he telling me this right now? Well, if we can’t laugh about the inequities of life, what can we laugh at? I mean honestly, I will tell you the two things that give me the most discomfort after ingesting them…

1) The before mentioned eggs

2) Delicious delicious chocolate milk

Here is a simple equation for you. 

Why in God’s name do two of the most delicious things on planet earth have to make me feel like Jupiter? It is a mystery ladies and germs. But this makes me a little upset.

I would also like to think that the powers that be have a little sense of humor over our daily activities. Just the little things that happen to me way too often that really shouldn't.  You know, things that would make a gambler pull their hair out. What kind of things am I talking about? How about something that honestly is a daily struggle for me, my keys. Every single time I leave my house I have a ton of shit in my hands and my keys are in my pocket. My keys being in my pocket is not the problem here. Transferring everything over to one side of my body and then reaching in the wrong pocket for my keys, every single time, is. It is literally one of the most frustrating things in the world. You may think I am exaggerating but seriously I’m not. I literally choose the wrong pocket every single time. I could not even tell you the last time I chose correctly. It happened again this morning, it will happen tomorrow, and the next day as well, it’s just something that happens. It’s a 50-50 shot, and I always get the losing end of it the stick. And people wonder why I never go gamble. I can’t even choose the right pocket in which my keys are in. And God, don’t even mention when it gets cold out. Then I have four pockets to choose from. Virtually impossible. And I thought getting a good job was hard.

Speaking of jobs… Like I said, I am still working the same job as I was about two months ago despite having been searching high and low for any full time job that will pay me more than what I currently make. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again; I would shovel elephant shit all day long for $20/hr at this point. I went into college thinking I wanted to do something I enjoyed, hell even love. But that is not the reality these days. You have to look at it fiscally, not physically. You can learn to love a job. And I don’t care what anyone says, money buys happiness. And to be honest, I wouldn’t HATE my current job if I got paid more. We do waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much for the amount we make and I literally couldn’t care less about the business I am in. I honestly think it will be an irrelevant business in 10-15 years from now, and you would probably agree with me if you knew what I did for a living. But what really grinds my gears about that damn job is the fact that I swear they do everything ass backwards. Say, for example, you worked at a burger joint and you were on grill. Instead of flipping patties with a spatula, they made you flip burgers with a pair of damn chop sticks. Or maybe if you worked in IT at some company and instead of updating their operating systems, they made you downgrade everything to a Tandy computer. Neither of those things would make sense. And neither does anything I have to do. Not only that, there is some sort of major overhaul in the way we do things literally every other day. And they expect you to remember EVERYTHING without fail… or else. Please, someone open up a circus near me so I can shovel shit all day long. It is my dream job at this point. 

On another driving note, this drives me a little batty too. Pun totally intended by the way… But I would honestly say eight out of ten times I go around a sharp bend there is another car on the other side of the road with me. This wouldn't be such a big deal for normal drivers… you know, who drive safely and probably go the speed limit. But I am neither of those drivers. I got shit to do, I got places to be, people know me. You think I can drive the speed limit? Na. That’s not my style, baby. I like to speed, what can I say? But it always seems like there is some Sunday funday old ass driver on the other si… well sort of other side of the road and I have to dodge them to get out of the way. Picture me on the back roads of Pennsylvania, roads built in such curved shapes that not one person could even imagine why anyone would ever do it that way, and going about 20 mph over the speed limit around this corner. Its suicidal at best. If anyone has ever driven through Vanderbilt, they would understand exactly what I mean. I couldn't even make these numbers up. Ask anyone who has driven with me because I mention it. Literally, eight out of ten. It never fails.

Something else that never fails to piss me off, have you heard about this presidential election lately? Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than talking politics. Not because of the state of the country or whatever, but because I know absolutely diddly squat about politics. Don’t get me wrong, I watched the debates and I have been paying attention. But no matter how much I watch it is like nothing sinks in. Why is this? Because I could give two shits, that’s why. No matter what happens and no matter who wins this election the same shit is going to happen. No one will like them and they will spend more money that the country doesn't have. It just keeps happening. The only people who care are these mindless drones who follow their “party” like mindless drones and they honestly think that their representative is better than the other. If I voted, and I cant stress enough that I don’t, you know what I would base my vote on? Pure gut feeling. Like I said, I watched the debates and I saw both Romney and Obama duke it out over issues that plague the nation at this present time and you know what I saw? Obama is the same calm, cool, and collected dude that I saw and heard for the first time almost four years ago. Four years ago I cared even less about politics when a group of black students got in my face and yelled “THIS IS OUR PRESIDENT, NOT YOURS!” They were like a clique of toddlers not willing to share their apple sauce or something. I was like, ok I guess? But time heals so I am about at the level of caring as I did before that incident. Like I said, Obama is calm and collected and I actually listen when he speaks. He seems like a reputable person. You can tell when people are dicks, and he doesn't seem like one. On the other hand, Romney just seems like an arrogant ass clown. Like legit, he always has that smug damn look on his face that I just want to punch.

 Not only that, he pulls numbers out of his ass and spouts them off and expects everyone to believe what he is saying. Seriously, I kept asking myself, how in God’s name does he come up with these numbers. They were just stupid ass numbers like “when I was governor, 67% of children increased their math scores because of me” or “when you were President, 47.8% of people went to 7-11 and got a slurpee.” Where the hell does he get that shit? I just see him as an arrogant prick, to be honest. And to be frank, I just want this crap to be over so I don’t have to hear it anymore. I hate politics.

After reading this over, I realized none of this has anything to do with each other besides it being one giant rant. All of those things actually drive me a little mental, I am not going to beat around the bush. But I guess that is life. Obladi oblada, eh? Hakuna Matata, eh? Or insert any other movie phrase referring to life goes on and you shouldn’t give a damn. Maybe that is what I needed to do at this point, just get shit off my chest… or should I say elephant shit.