Work Place Etiquette

Today at my place of employment I spent a half of damn hour sitting with my boss listening to some of the most fucking outlandish crap I have ever heard about my "work performance". You can only imagine where it goes from here. I mean what could I possibly be getting yelled at for? I am under performing, I need to do more work, or maybe even I need to try harder or some stereotypical shit like that. But no. Not on this fateful day. I will go through each and every little thing I got yelled at for today. And lets be clear here. I am being 100% serious. 

1) So I step into the office and the first thing they ask me is... "Are you looking for another job?" Well shit. How am I supposed to answer that? Of course I am. Everyone should always look for a better situation than they are already in. But I am not going to tell my BOSS that. Actually maybe I should so they can fire me. Truth is, I hate my job. I literally work with 50 women, all of which are complete bitches who love to talk behind each other backs about the most trivial of fucking things. Literally, someone was talking about how they think so and so's desk was crooked and how that made them a bad person. I have actually heard that conversation before. Its mind boggling how someone can give a shit about something as outlandishly retarded as that. But it happens daily. So yes, I am looking for another job, but it's not any of your fucking business. 

2) The next thing they bring up and probably the one I can understand the most... kinda... There have been several people who have witnessed me on the internet. I admit, I have went on it during work time. I can see the firing squad now. I mean honestly who cares. Do I do my work on time? I never miss a date on any of my work and it is all good work. But I get it, it is company policy not to be on the internet unless you are on your break. Gotcha. Won't happen again. Obladi Oblada. Life goes on. 

3) NOW come the goodies. Thirdly, I get rempremanded for something that hasn't been yelled at for since the Holocaust. I was told I sit in my chair unprofessionally. I admit, I lean a little bit when I type. But not as drastic as they made it sound. My boss actually did an impression of how it has been described to her... something like this...

"It's like I am doing the limbo in my chair" is what they said. And yes, that is in fact Chubby Checker doing the limbo with my head on his body. I am supposed to "sit at a 90 degree angle so I look more professional." You can't be serious? When the position of my ass in my chair effects anything I do... ever... let me know and I will go off myself to rid this world of my negligence.

4) It only gets better. Next on the shit list was how I take my breaks in the break room. Apparently some noisy piece of 7 year old trash happened to walk past the break room as I was resting my eyes. Yes, I also admit that once in a while I enjoy a quick cat nap in the BREAK ROOM when I get my 15 minutes. What does that hurt? Well apparently we aren't allowed to do that. I wanted to tell them I was drunk, but I thought that would have been a bad idea. 

5) Last and certainly the most ridiculous of them all... Apparently... I am too relaxed. TOO RELAXED??? What does that even fucking mean you imbecile? What, am I supposed to come into work on so jacked up and intense that I am visibly upset with everything that happens? Maybe I should just tell my coworkers to punch me in the temple randomly during the day so I am on edge. Or maybe I should tell you, as my wonderful mother elegantly put it, that its because of the downers I take all the time. You fucking idiots. Why the hell would you want your subordinates to be uptight and on edge? Doesn't that create bad work and a terrible work environment? Sweet Jesus I hate people...

I think it is time to buy that vanity plate I have been thinking of buying ( referring to number 1)...