Avocado

I would honestly love to ask the higher ups on the company ladder of Subway what the hell they were thinking. Just watch...

Who the crap eats avocado? Anyone ever? I mean I could understand if it was some damn tortilla chips and some guacamole, because I know a lot of people like that. But that is literally the only thing anyone has ever eaten that gross looking food with. Shit, what the hell is it even? Is it a fruit? Again, literally not one person knows because not one person eats them. I couldn't even tell you where to buy one except, of course, Subway. But whatever. I understand they are trying to do new things. I mean God forbid no one fell for the ad campaign of a bunch of Olympic athletes eating them to stay healthy. Because THAT makes sense. Every highly tuned athlete goes to a fast food joint to fulfill their nutritional needs. I could totally see pot head Phelps swimming a million laps then scarfing down a chicken BLT on whole wheat. He isn't eating it to stay healthy it's because he is high. Its quite obvious. 

But in all seriousness. Who the hell wants to eat avocado on their sandwich? I often think about "what would be delicious on my chicken bacon ranch". And I will tell you what does not come to my mind, avocado. Not only does it look like some sort of manure a hippie would use on their organic bull shit, it smells like balls too. And that isn't even the real reason I don't eat the stuff. I mean if looking like crap, smelling like crap, and being basically a foreign object isn't enough for you, take this into consideration. It TOTALLY looks like an egg from Alien. That's right. You are eating alien eggs... which according to Subway would go well with your egg sandwich in the morning for about $4. YUCK!

Coincidence? I think not. 

Work Place Etiquette

Today at my place of employment I spent a half of damn hour sitting with my boss listening to some of the most fucking outlandish crap I have ever heard about my "work performance". You can only imagine where it goes from here. I mean what could I possibly be getting yelled at for? I am under performing, I need to do more work, or maybe even I need to try harder or some stereotypical shit like that. But no. Not on this fateful day. I will go through each and every little thing I got yelled at for today. And lets be clear here. I am being 100% serious. 

1) So I step into the office and the first thing they ask me is... "Are you looking for another job?" Well shit. How am I supposed to answer that? Of course I am. Everyone should always look for a better situation than they are already in. But I am not going to tell my BOSS that. Actually maybe I should so they can fire me. Truth is, I hate my job. I literally work with 50 women, all of which are complete bitches who love to talk behind each other backs about the most trivial of fucking things. Literally, someone was talking about how they think so and so's desk was crooked and how that made them a bad person. I have actually heard that conversation before. Its mind boggling how someone can give a shit about something as outlandishly retarded as that. But it happens daily. So yes, I am looking for another job, but it's not any of your fucking business. 

2) The next thing they bring up and probably the one I can understand the most... kinda... There have been several people who have witnessed me on the internet. I admit, I have went on it during work time. I can see the firing squad now. I mean honestly who cares. Do I do my work on time? I never miss a date on any of my work and it is all good work. But I get it, it is company policy not to be on the internet unless you are on your break. Gotcha. Won't happen again. Obladi Oblada. Life goes on. 

3) NOW come the goodies. Thirdly, I get rempremanded for something that hasn't been yelled at for since the Holocaust. I was told I sit in my chair unprofessionally. I admit, I lean a little bit when I type. But not as drastic as they made it sound. My boss actually did an impression of how it has been described to her... something like this...

"It's like I am doing the limbo in my chair" is what they said. And yes, that is in fact Chubby Checker doing the limbo with my head on his body. I am supposed to "sit at a 90 degree angle so I look more professional." You can't be serious? When the position of my ass in my chair effects anything I do... ever... let me know and I will go off myself to rid this world of my negligence.

4) It only gets better. Next on the shit list was how I take my breaks in the break room. Apparently some noisy piece of 7 year old trash happened to walk past the break room as I was resting my eyes. Yes, I also admit that once in a while I enjoy a quick cat nap in the BREAK ROOM when I get my 15 minutes. What does that hurt? Well apparently we aren't allowed to do that. I wanted to tell them I was drunk, but I thought that would have been a bad idea. 

5) Last and certainly the most ridiculous of them all... Apparently... I am too relaxed. TOO RELAXED??? What does that even fucking mean you imbecile? What, am I supposed to come into work on so jacked up and intense that I am visibly upset with everything that happens? Maybe I should just tell my coworkers to punch me in the temple randomly during the day so I am on edge. Or maybe I should tell you, as my wonderful mother elegantly put it, that its because of the downers I take all the time. You fucking idiots. Why the hell would you want your subordinates to be uptight and on edge? Doesn't that create bad work and a terrible work environment? Sweet Jesus I hate people...

I think it is time to buy that vanity plate I have been thinking of buying ( referring to number 1)...

The End of the World

I'm not going to lie. I have had a pretty large case of writers block. My creativity has been absolutely nil lately... Until this morning. I saw a trailer for a movie called " Seeking a Friend for the End of the World" staring Steve Carell. I would try to explain the plot to you but I would just be wasting my time. Just watch the trailer...

But what it got me thinking about was what exactly I would do if I had that little time left on earth. My mind would be freaking racing, I will tell you that. I wouldn't even know what to do first. I mean, I would do the obvious things like spend time with loved ones and cry a lot or something. But other than the usual thins would I do? What would anyone do in that situation? Do really irresponsible and wreckless things. 

1)These are in no particular order but obviously the first thing that pops into any persons head if something cataclysmic happens is this... I am going to be with a different gorgeous woman for the remaining days left on earth. I would reconsider if I were not single of course, but if I were single all bets would be off. I wouldn't have to be my normal shy self anymore when it comes to women because no one would give a shit. It's basically first come first serve at that point. 

2) I would eat whatever the hell I wanted whenever the hell I wanted. Think of the grossest most delicious crap. Literally, I would eat the biggest and juiciest burger you could ever imagine with about half a pig of bacon on it. It would be epic. And I wouldn't even have to care about the calories like I do now. What a world. 

3)I would try to track down a celebrity and meet them. I don't know, someone like Stan Lee or something. And I would have a deep conversation with them. You know, try and pick their brain a bit. 

4) I would loot a store, just because. It just seems like it would be a blast. 

5)I would play catch with my Dad and Grandfather. Or at least try to. 

6) I would go to a museum and touch the most famous painting in it. Maybe even take it down. 

7) I would want to shoot something with a flamethrower. I mean sheesh, who doesn't? 

8) I would hug my dog till he hated me. 

And when all of that was done... I would do it all over again till it ended. I don't know. Sometimes I think about deep things like this. I dot just complain haha.