Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Movies

There will, however, be plenty of shitty movies to go around for everyone. Movies throughout the history have been hit or miss. I have a pretty good sense of what movies I will actually like, but there have been some flops that I misjudged as good. There have also been some trends in the movies lately that have really got me going. Trust me I will touch base on a lot of things in this chapter. Being the local movie expert, I think I have merit to talk about all of these things. And I will make that obviously clear.

I have seen thousands of movies in my day. In fact, movies are one of the few things I absolutely love in this world. There is just something about movies that I can relate to. Maybe it’s the fact that I hate reading so much. It takes hours upon hours for me to read a 300 page book, but they condense that very same book into an hour and half movie. That sounds like more of a time saver than anything to me. People complain about movie adaptations of books all the fucking time. They say “ why did they change that one part where so and so was walking up the stairs” or “Why would they take the scene out where she was cooking chicken, it was so important?” WHO CARES PEOPLE ?!?!?! Honestly, who gives a shit if that scene was supposed to happen on the train to school rather than the stairs in the school. Did it affect the plot at all? The answer to that question is a big fat no, and you need to get over the fact that directors have a vision. Now to be perfectly honest, this would probably bother me to if I read the book. But I have better things to do with my time then to actually read. I tried it for a bit, but knowing that a movie of the very same thing was coming out just months later just ate at me so bad that I stopped reading. That’s the laziness talking, I know, but what can I say. I am an extremely busy person. Seriously, who has time to read? Well apparently a lot of people do but I am just saying.

            Other than the fact I can’t stand nitpicking on stupid minute details like the above mentioned scenes, I can’t stand when things don’t make sense whatsoever in a film. This happens more than you think. Case in point… In the 2009 film Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, there is a scene in the movie that literally made my mind stop it was so perplexing. First of all, we have to realize the director of this movie. Michael Bay is an idiot. He doesn’t make good movies. Anyone who enjoys his movies should go to an electronics store, buy an actual good film, watch it, and then have a lobotomy. He just makes these films with huge budgets and a bunch of unnecessary explosions. In this film, there is a scene where they are in the air and space museum in Washington D.C. for some reason. And then for some reason this old ass jet plane comes to life because apparently there were also Transformers on the planet back in the day. Then this apparent Transformer apparently has an English accent and you can’t understand a word he says. Even if this was a vital part of the plot, which it really wasn’t, this was completely blown out of the water because of this fun fact. The end of the museum opens up and they are now in some desert. Seriously? You are in Washington D.C you stupid idiot. You really think you could slip that one past any person who is the least bit educated? I literally didn’t care about the rest of the movie because of this idiotic mishap. Not like it mattered, the movie was awful anyway. But honestly, was I the only one who noticed this? This museum is on the east freaking coast Michael Bay. There are no deserts around the Pennsylvania, Virginia, Maryland area, sir.

            And yet another Michael Bay blunder, let’s talk about the 2001 film Pearl Harbor. First off, the fact that this is an awful film doesn’t really help the fact that it had so many inaccuracies about it that a 4 year old fucking child who knows nothing about Pearl Harbor or that Japan is even a country could figure it out. First of all, Josh Hartnet seems like an absolute ass, so no girl would ever fall in love with him. Secondly, I would like to point out the fact that if you were not an educated person watching this film, you have absolutely no idea why the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor in the first place. It’s like the just did it for shits and giggles according to the film. And thirdly, and my absolute favorite, is that the some of the naval ships that were shown in the movie were no even introduced into the fleet until later in the decade. Pure stroke of genius you freaking+ idiots. Now I didn’t really find this inaccuracy, my father did. My pops was in the Navy and was the one who actually noticed this first. So I looked it up. Sure enough he was dead accurate. Why don’t you do your homework before making a damn movie? Especially if the film studio is going to invest so much money into a film, I want it to be accurate.  Sorry, I like enjoying what I am watching and if it’s blatantly being ignorantly inaccurate and stupid, I am going to criticize the hell out of it. That’s just me.

            Zumeckis is a great example of someone who has lost their touch. Though he has made some spectacular movies in the past (I.E. Back to the Future, Forrest Gump, and Cast Away) its like he has Benjamin Button disease now. Instead of making good films, he now just makes shitty CGI films like Polar Express and A Christmas Carol. Honestly, did anyone go see these movies? Apparently he has a childish fetish with the holiday season to, because both of these movies are Christmas movies. Go back to what you were good at brother, that is the best advice I could give you.

            Joel Schumacher is another one and he just may be the worst director of all time. I am not even exaggerating when I say this, but he actually ruined the Batman series for every generation to come. I didn’t think it was possible, but he actually made Batman look like a pussy. Hell, he even made Robin look like more of a pussy than he already did, and that’s a hard thing to do. He also made Arnold Schwarzenegger look like a complete fairy, which is hard to do when looking at who he made look like one. Probably one of the biggest superstars in the action film genre in a lifetime, and Mr. Schumacher made him look like a pixie in a cute metal suit. He also made Bane a bumbling idiot who basically does nothing in the movie. Here I go sounding like a big nerd, but anyone in their right minds could see this. Anyone who completely ruins such a manly thing, such as Batman, should be shunned from whatever they do as a profession. Case in point, Joel Schumacher. But nooooooooooo, he continues making shitty movies like Phone Booth and The Number 23… Someone please stop him before he hurts himself.  

            There are many more directors out there that make shitty movies, don’t get me wrong. But they don’t make me as angry as those two. And they don’t make as many awful movies as they do either. They may have a flub here in there, but not as many in a row as those ones above. Case in point… James Cameron has made some kick ass movies. He directed the first two Terminator movies as well as Aliens, which in my opinion is by far the best one of the series. But for God sake man, what the hell is the deal with Avatar? I am one to exaggerate things. In fact, it’s part of my shtick. But I am not exaggerating when I say that Avatar is literally the worst movie I have ever seen. Not only was it just a giant shit fest of cheap 3-D pops so that children can get their jollies from a blue thing popping out at them through the movie screen. Not only that, the damn movie is the story of Pocahontas on an alien planet. Seriously, just replace the pilgrims with an army, and you got it. Could you be less creative James? I would blame the writer for this debacle but you just so happen to be the writer as well…double fail.

            Not only did he fail in the fact that he basically recycled the story of Pocahontas, another gripe of mine is that you can’t connect to any character in that movie. Honesty I tried. Am I supposed to connect with the guy in the wheelchair because he’s a cripple? Am I supposed to connect with Sigourney Weaver because she’s been in every other fucking Cameron movie? Am I supposed to connect with any one of the hundreds of aliens they introduce you to in the movie? No, because they all suck and have no depth whatsoever. People say to me, “but Greg, it’s a deep love story.”If memory serves me correctly, the main character, if you want to call him that, falls in love with an alien. I don’t call that a deep love story, I say it’s more like bestiality than anything. That’s like me falling in love with a farm animal on the set of the remake of Charlotte's freakin Web. And if I want to connect with a love story, I’ll watch something more hardcore than alien on human action… trust me.

            This was one of the first movies to revolutionize the second coming of 3-D. This is an awful thing. Though it may sell a lot of tickets for a bigger price, the only people that really like 3-D movies are toddlers and their parents that go with them. And it isn’t just new movies either. They are re releasing older movies and making them 3-D for some reason. Honestly, if the release some spectacular movie and make it 3-D, like Star Wars for example, I will want to kill myself. It’s an actual travesty. On a scale from 1-10, with the destruction of earth being a 10, I would put re-releasing Star Wars in 3-D at an 8. I would want to kill a marmot if that actually happened. And it’s not that it’s just a novelty act, because it really is. But it’s the fact that almost every film is now being released in it. What happened to good ol’ fashioned film making? All people worry about is a damn cheap thrill now a days. I honestly think script writers now have to think about what they are writing because now there has to be scenes in movies where the character has to do something like punch the screen or throw a fucking pumpkin. It’s retarded.

            As much as I actually hate them, I have seen a few 3-D movies in my day. A couple of them have been in the theater but a couple of them have been on DVD as well. I saw a horror film with a bunch of friends and I actually laughed the entire time it was so bad. The only good part about the movie is there was this one part where a woman was ripped apart and you saw her boob… in 3-D. Boobs in 3-D are much better than boobs in 2-D. But then I saw a cartoon in 3-D. And then I understood why people were so enamored by 3-D films. The cartoon 3-D really worked and was much different than a normal movie. I guess it’s a lot easier to pull off something outrageous on a 3-D movie if it’s a children’s film. But this goes back to what I originally stated. 3-D should mainly be marketed to kids because it really only works for children’s movies. I don’t see 60 year old men going into the theaters wanting to see a 3-D movie. It’s sort of a niche market so to speak. So if it does stay around, keep it to your Justin Bieber concert movies and your Disney films. That’s how the movie industry is going to bank on the 3-D extravaganza that is the decade of 2010.

            Another thing I can’t stand about movies today is the fact that no one has an original idea. And if they actually do have an original idea, it’s fucking lame and doesn’t deserve to be anything but a lame thought in that lame persons head. All people do is either remake movies from ten years ago or make a movie from a book, which I talked about before. But the whole remake thing has really gotten to me. Just recently, a remake of a hilarious British film called Death at a Funeral was remade just three years after the original. That is outlandish. Probably the least necessary thing that needed to be done ever. Not only was it the fact that it was only three years after the original, it was pretty much the same film, shot by shot. The only difference really was that there were black actors in it. I am not bashing the film, I just honestly don’t think it was necessary to remake a film that was only three years old. I think there should honestly be a cap on the limit of years a film needs to be out there before it is remade. In my opinion, I think the perfect amount of years is 30. The reason I say this is because that is kind of where the generational gap is.

            Then there are these retarded parody movies. Yes, at one point they were funny. But who the fuck watches them anymore? Teeny boppers who like pop culture references about fake vampires and such is the correct answer to that question. After the first Scary Movie, where it was sort of a good idea and was kind of funny, there was no need to do it anymore. It is now getting to the point that these movies aren’t even going to the theater. They go straight to DVD, which if I made a film, would be the worst insult anyone could give me. That would be so insulting to me. I even get offended by some of the straight to DVD movies. I go to the store and see some of these titles and I think to myself, who the fuck thought this was a good idea and a good investment to make this movie? Do they really think they are going to make any money off of this? I am making some of these titles up (or at least I think I am), but stupid shit like Crazy Dog, the story of a family who owns a dog who does outlandish things, or even Wild Zoo, the story of a wild a wacky zoo where the animals work together to stop a group of criminals from stealing the prized Gorilla. I completely made those up but honestly, don’t be surprised if you see those on the shelf at a store near you in the next few years. Now that I thought about it, half of those damn movies are about animals that can do human things. Though this may be hilarious, there is no need to make seven MVP movies or nine Air Bud movies like they did.

            Last but not least are the actors and actresses that I hate most. Just like the musical artists in the above chapter, there are always those people you hate most in something you love. There are just certain people in the movie industry that piss me off, and for some of them I don’t really know why. Here are some of them and again these are in no particular order…

1.      Jake Gyllenhaal- Ever since I saw Donnie Darko, which by the way is one of the worst movies I have ever seen, I have hated this guy as an actor. Not only is he completely one dimensional, boring, he has the worst taste in movies that he is actually in. I can honestly say there is not one good film that he has been a part of. Because none of his characters are even remotely believable. Not only that, he is more freaking boring than  Keeanu Reeves. At least he made some good movies. He made the ultra popular Matrix series. Old Jakey poo made Prince of Persia… You do the math. I don’t think anyone went to see that movie. I was actually insulted by the fact that he tried to grow a beard. I have a more impressive beard on other parts of my body than he has on his face in that movie. You probably shouldn’t try that one again. And what the hell is up with hat stupid fucking smirk he always has on his face? No matter what movie, what role, or the scene he is in, he has this stupid smirk on his face. I literally makes me want to uppercut him into next week. It’s not like I don’t like the guy. In fact I have never met him before and most likely will never meet him. But the fact that he has made over 20 movies, none of which were good, bothers me.

2.      Nicolas Cage- Now here is a guy that is extremely popular and he really shouldn’t be. Though he is one of the top paid actors in Hollywood, he turns out these shitty movies that anyone who was actually in the right state of mind would never give the time of day. No I am not going to lie, unlike the last asshole I talked about, Mr. Cage has actually had a couple of good films. Matchstick Men and Lord of War were pretty damn good. But then you look at flubs like The Wicker Man and Ghost Rider and you just shake your head. Who the fuck thought those movies were a good idea? They were on the edge of being comedies they were so bad. Like holy shit people, why does this man keep getting hired for movies? On that note, why the hell was there a need to make a National Treasure 2? Did anyone actually stop and think how absolutely ridiculous it was? Yes, there is a secret cave inside Mount Rushmore where there is ancient gold while all along the way you see Nicky boy figuring out an hour and a half of lame ass clues that are also mind numbingly obvious. I tried being in a play once. I literally told the person directing it that I didn’t want the lead role, I couldn’t do it. So what does she do, she gives me the lead role. I was absolutely awful. No lie, I was so bad we canceled the play. Yes this was in seventh grade, but with that said, I am almost positive I could play a more convincing role in any Nicholas Cage movie.

3.      John Cusack- I am beginning to see a trend here. Really famous actors who have less talent than my testicles. Honestly if you were watching a John Cusack movie and then my balls were there to, something about my balls would most likely be more interesting. And my balls are quite normal. That’s how bad his movies actually are. Let’s go through some of his movie history. He has made an awful movie about a haunted hotel room, an iconic yet awful movie where he holds up a ghetto blaster playing some Peter Gabriel, and a movie about a runaway airplane carrying the worst convicts in the world. By the way, Nicky boy was in that movie too. That last movie is Con Air, if you didn’t know already, and it was actually pretty good. But let me tell you this, it had nothing to do with the lead actors of the movie. It was the supporting cast that saved that movie.

4.      Richard Gere- This guy actually has some talent. My problem with him is that for the life of him, he will not leave the romantic fucking comedy or romantic drama genres. Do you have no humor sir? Honestly, leave your comfort zone every once in a while bro. Though he has made some pretty good and iconic films, nothing can save the fact that most of his movies are boring and made for women. I am looking at his IMDB.com page right now. He has five films in the works right now and I guarantee in three years when they are out and have been seen, all of them will be in those two same genres I said before. Its baffling how someone can pretty much do the same movie over and over again for a whole career. But he did it so far.

5.      Renée Zellweger- I know this is mean and I ever hate to say it but… Woof. I mean seriously… I know I am not a good looking man by any stretch of the imagination and in no way should I be judging anyone by their looks but, does she even have eyes?  It’s not even just that, I can’t even fathom why she gets some of the roles that she gets. For example… In the western Apaloosa, she plays a “good looking” woman. Or in the film Leatherheads, she plays a “good looking” woman. Or even how about Jerry Maguire. She plays the “good looking” woman in that too, only difference is she had one of the most memorable lines in cinema history in that one. But seriously, they couldn’t find anyone else for those roles? Sure, she did a good job in them I just don’t think they were believable with her in those roles.

6.      Megan Fox- This one is on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. Megan Fox is sexy as hell. There is not denying this one at all. She just lacks that one thing you actually need to succeed in the movie industry. Yes, she does have a nice face and a killer set of cans, but any movie she is in is an absolute joke. I would date you Megan Fox, but you won’t catch me seeing Jessica’s Body anytime soon. Actually, you won’t see anyone seeing that movie anytime soon. What did it make in the box office, like $17?

7.      Tyler Perry- Who the hell is this guy? He cranks out television shows and movies like they are six page children books. This could mean two things… They either suck really badly or they are just recycled/ stereotypical stories that literally anyone could write. My guess is the first one. His main character, the one where he made all of his money and got his fame was this man dressed as a woman named Madea. Why do I know this? Because he made literally 83 films about this fat woman. What could possibly happen in these movies? Nothing worth my time I’ll tell you that much.

8.      Anyone in the Twilight Saga- Don’t even get me started on these pieces of trash. Not only did the movies sicken me, the two lead actors in the film are an abomination to the acting community. For one, the writer of the books didn’t even try. So when Robert Pattinson took on the role as Edward Cullen it only made sense. I mean for Christ sake, if the writer of those books didn’t try, why should Robert Pattinson? He doesn’t even comb his damn hair. Nor does he even try to act. He lets the glitter do the talking for him. The author made up rules for vampirism, rules that had been written in stone for lord knows how long and then captured every teenage God damn girl in the world’s imagination with how a vampire could actually love. I mean seriously, how could a vicious creature such as a vampire, whose sole purpose on this earth is to feed on human blood, not find time to love such a dashingly charming girl as Kristen Stewert? That was obviously sarcasm. She is neither pretty, charming, nor talented. In fact she rarely cracks a damn smile. There is literally not one good thing about hose fringing movies. Not one thing.

Although I may complain about a lot of things, movies are literally one of my biggest passions. I love movies. But just like everything else, there are things that just erk me about stuff and rub me the wrong way. Speaking of rubbing me the wrong way…