Chapter 10

Chapter 10

The Beach

            People have a strange affiliation and attraction to stupid things. This is one of those stupid things. Yes, it may be beautiful and it may be warm and all that fucking jazz. But this is how I see it. I think it is dirty, boring, and a waste of damn time. I mean seriously, think about how many people pee in the ocean? You think that shits sanitary? Or how about how many things have died in the ocean? It’s disgusting.

            Just think about it people. Hundreds, maybe thousands of fish die in the ocean every day and just kind of lay there and rot away. Dead people are thrown in the ocean, or at least that’s what some movies and television shows like to tell me. Garbage is left in the ocean. People and fish literally go to the bathroom in it. Yet people are splashing around in that shit, no pun intended, for weeks at a time for something they call a vacation. Now granted, the ocean is gigantic and there is little chance you’re even going to come close to anything but still. The idea of all of that in the ocean really freaks me out. And to top it off, the sand is something that really gets me steaming. I’m sure you have heard this from just about anyone who has ever gonna to the beach, but why the fuck does the sand stick in every crevice of your body the entire time you are there. It’s unreal.

Not only that it is really dirty, which should freak people out enough that they shouldn’t go to the damn beach, it’s really not worth anyone’s time. They spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars on a vacation to a place where you are going to literally lay there for days on end. People tell me all the time “but Greg, it’s so relaxing to just lay there on the beach.” I tell them, why the fuck cant you do that at home? Spend little to no money and lay in the back yard. That’s relaxing as well. Then they go on some stupid rant about how you don’t have the sound or the sight of the ocean in your back yard. To this I say, who gives a shit. If you have that much stress in your life where you have to go completely out of your way to a body of water to relieve your stress, then you got more problems in your life than just stress.

The sand is one of the worst things about the damn place. I swear to God as soon as you hit the town in which you are going, somehow sand gets in every crevice of your body. It’s literally drawn to your crotch. It doesn’t matter if your windows are down, up, or missing, the sand will find its way to your deepest darkest places as soon as you get there. And once you leave, you cant get rid of it. I remember the one time when we got home, I finally got all the sand off of me after about four baths. I take a damn bath every day, and I am very meticulous about it. But for some reason I found new sand in new places every day. In between my toes, in my ears, in my hair, in my crotch. There were no limits. It was some kind of cruel joke. And your shoes, forget about those. You wear a pair of shoes to the beach, you might as well throw them away when you get home because the sand will NEVER get out of them. You could literally not step foot on the beach and still leave with sand in all your shit. It’s the freakin worst. 

On top of all of the things I just mentioned, unfortunately for me, every fucking time I go in water my ears plug up. This only happens if I submerge my head in water, so showers don’t really do anything. Only if I go swimming. So you can see why I hate going swimming and going to the beach so much. I hate going swimming so much because every time I go in, no matter how hard I try and like some frigin miracle, water gets in my ear and it plugs up. I am then miserable for two weeks. People are always like, “Greg, why don’t you wear earplugs,” like I am some kind of fucking moron. I have tried it people. I tried the regular ones and I tried the ones where you supposedly can hear out of them. I tried everything. But apparently my ears are the shape of anything but the shape or an ear plug because they fall out. Not only that, you can’t hear shit, so what’s the point? Hey guys, let’s go swimming. It will be a jolly good time… except don’t try to talk to me, I can’t hear a damn thing. So forget playing any games or even have any sort of fun. Yipee!

Now you understand my pain. Not only are beaches a waste of damn time, I can’t do anything at them. The one major attraction to a fucking beach vacation is the damn ocean and I can’t go in it. So that brings my options down to basically nothing. I could look at good looking women, but at the beaches my family went to there are basically none. And I was so young, I didn’t give a damn about women yet anyways. But yet, my family continued to go to the damn place. It made no sense to me.

Wildwood, New Jersey. The only reason this place was remotely cool is because it had a really nice boardwalk and a couple of amusement parks. But other than that it’s like every other fucking beach in the world, just a little colder and depressing since it’s in New Jersey. New Jersey is depressing in its own right, why would you try and spunk it up with a vacation spot?

We also went to Ocean city, Maryland which was also just as bad in my opinion. They had a nice boardwalk and it was also long. But after about 300 yards of stores, they just kind of repeated… over and over and over again until the end of the boardwalk. So these were your options for the day. You could either be a lazy ass and just kind of lay there on the beach all day. That option was best for me, no matter how much I hated the idea. You could go swimming in either a pool or the ocean, which again I couldn’t do because of my ears. Or I could walk down the boardwalk and continue looking at the same thing over and over again. No thanks Ocean City. I would rather sit in the hotel and watch television.

We also went with the entire family to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. This was probably the most fun of any beach trip I ever had but it also sort of sucked. It was awesome that a lot of my family was there because my family is tons of fun, but we were still at a lame fucking beach. We had a really cool suite on the top of a hotel where all of our family stayed. It was big enough for 12 or more people, so it was huge. But even with the cool hotel digs, this place is the worst beach I have ever been to. When I say there was literally nothing to do, there was literally nothing to do. I could have walked around town if I weren’t like 11 years old. But no, I had to do what everyone else did. So that consisted of basically nothing. I remember like it was yesterday though. I spent most of my time watching the Disney channel because they had it and we didn’t get it at home. Also, this was about the time that the Chicago Bulls played the Utah Jazz for the first time in the NBA finals so I watched a lot of that as well. Other than those things, I really only remember one other thing from that stupid trip.

This trip was the first time I had ever heard of Krispy Kream doughnuts. Apparently at the time they weren’t as big as they are now because they weren’t really expanded. In fact, these things were like a southern delicacy. But my Grandmother, that little diabetic sweet tooth that I miss very much, bothered my Dad every damn morning to go get these freaking doughnuts. Let’s not even talk about the fact that the nearest shop was about ten miles down the road, it just didn’t even matter. She had to have her fill of Krispy Kream’s by the end of the trip or we wouldn’t hear the end of it until the end of it. By the end of the trip my pop’s finally cracked and surprised the family with these so called best doughnuts ever. Let me tell you, this was the first and last time I ever had one of those gross ass round pieces of fauz dough. They were too sweet, to slimy, and they literally melted in your mouth. How fucking gross is that? How the hell is a solid, besides maybe chocolate, supposed to melt in your freaking mouth? I’m sorry but that can’t be healthy. So all in all, my trip to Myrtle Beach consisted of the television show The Gummy Bears, the NBA Finals, and Krispy Kream doughnuts. Lamest vacation ever.

Of all the places in the world to go, a beach is literally the last place I would choose to go. Though now that I am old enough to drink, I maybe actually enjoy going, but who knows. I just don’t see the point after all of my terrible experiences. I mean I see these people driving around town with these gigantic fucking stickers saying that yes, in fact they have been to the OBX. Now if you don’t know what that is, first of all you’re obviously out of touch because this fucking sticker is plastered everywhere, and secondly I think you’re awesome. Who really gives a damn if you have ever been to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. Literally no one. Do you see me driving around town with a giant sticker on my back window saying I went to Cincinnati. Who the hell would want to advertise that shit anyways? For realz.

Now this is solely my opinion and I have only met a few people who share the same feelings with me. Literally everyone loves the beach. I don’t understand it. I mean after laying, walking, and swimming, what is there to actually do? I guess you could take up kite flying like my pops did. Remember the kite string story? Or maybe you could throw some sort of object around with a friend. No matter what, whatever you choose to do, it will likely be boring within the hour in which you start doing that activity. I mean how long can you throw around a damn Frisbee without saying to yourself,” good lord this is boring me to new heights. I never thought I could get this bored. Last time I got this bored is when I watched Donnie Darko for the first time.” And like I said, people go at this for weeks at a damn time. I really don’t understand how anyone could put themselves through the torture. I honestly don’t. I guess there could be worse things. Going to the meadow lands in New Jersey for example.