The Key To Health

The way I eat and the reason I stay healthy. Hey, there has to be a reason I never get sick, right? 

I am back...

First off I would like to apologize to my avid readers. I haven't posted in about a month and for this I am deeply sorry. But to be honest I really have not had anything to complain about recently. I mean, there was that shooting a couple weeks ago from that guy that was literally out of his gourd. I got dumped once again by a girl who wanted to be in an "open relationship"... whatever the hell that is... Oh, and I got fired from my second job. Yeah all awesome things in the world of Greg Jackson. But to be honest, as much as those first two things sucked, I just cant get past the third and final bad thing that happened to me this month.

You see, being that I have a masters degree, and yes I am complaining about this again, it only makes sense that I would need to go out and find a second job. You know, this is why us graduates work so fucking hard, so we have to go find a couple degrading jobs just to pay our bills. But like I always say, obladi oblada. So, I go out and get hired at a local sports bar to serve on weekends. You know the typical 6-8 hour serving job that everyone and their mother has had at some point in their lives. I am not gonna lie, I was kind of excited about it. Being that I have been to this place a lot, I know it is ALWAYS packed. So It could have been a cash cow.

I walk in for my first day of work, after literally struggling to find khaki shorts to wear for my uniform, and they start the paperwork. You know, the usual w2's and so on and so forth. And instead of finishing the lady decided to take me on a tour of the building. Now I want to throw it out at this point that this is now the second person to interview me for this position and there were a grand total of 7 waitresses I had met thus far in the process. But I digress. We are on this tour of the premises and this tiny older woman walks up to us. I am there just taking it in, thinking about the money that might be rolling in soon, and this old woman walks up to me as nice as could be and introduces herself. I am cordial because I have no idea who she is. Turns out that she is the half owner of the joint and she has a problem with me apparently. I could tell be the gleam in her old half cateracted eye she did. "We have a problem" the old woman said. "And what is that?" I said... And she says with a completely straight face, " You cant be here, you have a beard." Did I just hear what she said to me? Is she firing me because I have a beard? Yes... that is exactly what she did. I was fired from a job I had earned because I have hair on my face that is no longer than 1/4 of an inch.

I left not angry but sort of amused. Not that I was fired from a job only nine minutes in, but how can a place such as that be so archaic in the way it thinks? Is this not 2012? I asked the lady why in God's name the two people who talked to me before hand didn't tell me I couldn't have a beard. You know what her answer was? "If you had experience you would have known." Well bitchy bitch, I have a year of experience thank you very much. I worked an entire year as a server WITH A BEARD and never got one complaint about it. So suck on that one ya old hag.

These people who own businesses need to get out of this 1940's way of thinking and realize that times have changed. Not only is it 2012, but their way of thinking does not make any fucking sense anymore. In their minds, people are offended by the fact that someone with a beard is serving them food because it is dirty or something. And if it has something to do with health codes, well that's a crock of shit too. You are telling me that these women with long ass hair are allowed to romp around with their hair over food, but me with probably an eighth the amount of hair than any of those women can't? Yeah thats just fucking insulting and doesn't make a damn bit of sense. Never has, never will. Get over your fucking self and get with the times every single work establishment out there who thinks this very way. What exactly is not having facial hair even accomplishing? Literally nothing but pissing me off. That is what it is accomplishing.

So my final message to you miss bitchy sports bar owner. When you tell the rest of your employees to Bic their heads, give me a call back and I will gladly work for you. Because that is basically what you are telling me right now. SO until then, fuck you, get with the times, and have a nice day. Oh and I hope your hair turns into dog shit one day. And you wake up and run your comb through it and all it is is little trendals of dog shit. The worst shit you could imagine. It's cool. Everything comes around, sweetheart.

I didn't need a second job anyway. I am gonna get rich off this blog... HA!

Avocado

I would honestly love to ask the higher ups on the company ladder of Subway what the hell they were thinking. Just watch...

Who the crap eats avocado? Anyone ever? I mean I could understand if it was some damn tortilla chips and some guacamole, because I know a lot of people like that. But that is literally the only thing anyone has ever eaten that gross looking food with. Shit, what the hell is it even? Is it a fruit? Again, literally not one person knows because not one person eats them. I couldn't even tell you where to buy one except, of course, Subway. But whatever. I understand they are trying to do new things. I mean God forbid no one fell for the ad campaign of a bunch of Olympic athletes eating them to stay healthy. Because THAT makes sense. Every highly tuned athlete goes to a fast food joint to fulfill their nutritional needs. I could totally see pot head Phelps swimming a million laps then scarfing down a chicken BLT on whole wheat. He isn't eating it to stay healthy it's because he is high. Its quite obvious. 

But in all seriousness. Who the hell wants to eat avocado on their sandwich? I often think about "what would be delicious on my chicken bacon ranch". And I will tell you what does not come to my mind, avocado. Not only does it look like some sort of manure a hippie would use on their organic bull shit, it smells like balls too. And that isn't even the real reason I don't eat the stuff. I mean if looking like crap, smelling like crap, and being basically a foreign object isn't enough for you, take this into consideration. It TOTALLY looks like an egg from Alien. That's right. You are eating alien eggs... which according to Subway would go well with your egg sandwich in the morning for about $4. YUCK!

Coincidence? I think not. 

Work Place Etiquette

Today at my place of employment I spent a half of damn hour sitting with my boss listening to some of the most fucking outlandish crap I have ever heard about my "work performance". You can only imagine where it goes from here. I mean what could I possibly be getting yelled at for? I am under performing, I need to do more work, or maybe even I need to try harder or some stereotypical shit like that. But no. Not on this fateful day. I will go through each and every little thing I got yelled at for today. And lets be clear here. I am being 100% serious. 

1) So I step into the office and the first thing they ask me is... "Are you looking for another job?" Well shit. How am I supposed to answer that? Of course I am. Everyone should always look for a better situation than they are already in. But I am not going to tell my BOSS that. Actually maybe I should so they can fire me. Truth is, I hate my job. I literally work with 50 women, all of which are complete bitches who love to talk behind each other backs about the most trivial of fucking things. Literally, someone was talking about how they think so and so's desk was crooked and how that made them a bad person. I have actually heard that conversation before. Its mind boggling how someone can give a shit about something as outlandishly retarded as that. But it happens daily. So yes, I am looking for another job, but it's not any of your fucking business. 

2) The next thing they bring up and probably the one I can understand the most... kinda... There have been several people who have witnessed me on the internet. I admit, I have went on it during work time. I can see the firing squad now. I mean honestly who cares. Do I do my work on time? I never miss a date on any of my work and it is all good work. But I get it, it is company policy not to be on the internet unless you are on your break. Gotcha. Won't happen again. Obladi Oblada. Life goes on. 

3) NOW come the goodies. Thirdly, I get rempremanded for something that hasn't been yelled at for since the Holocaust. I was told I sit in my chair unprofessionally. I admit, I lean a little bit when I type. But not as drastic as they made it sound. My boss actually did an impression of how it has been described to her... something like this...

"It's like I am doing the limbo in my chair" is what they said. And yes, that is in fact Chubby Checker doing the limbo with my head on his body. I am supposed to "sit at a 90 degree angle so I look more professional." You can't be serious? When the position of my ass in my chair effects anything I do... ever... let me know and I will go off myself to rid this world of my negligence.

4) It only gets better. Next on the shit list was how I take my breaks in the break room. Apparently some noisy piece of 7 year old trash happened to walk past the break room as I was resting my eyes. Yes, I also admit that once in a while I enjoy a quick cat nap in the BREAK ROOM when I get my 15 minutes. What does that hurt? Well apparently we aren't allowed to do that. I wanted to tell them I was drunk, but I thought that would have been a bad idea. 

5) Last and certainly the most ridiculous of them all... Apparently... I am too relaxed. TOO RELAXED??? What does that even fucking mean you imbecile? What, am I supposed to come into work on so jacked up and intense that I am visibly upset with everything that happens? Maybe I should just tell my coworkers to punch me in the temple randomly during the day so I am on edge. Or maybe I should tell you, as my wonderful mother elegantly put it, that its because of the downers I take all the time. You fucking idiots. Why the hell would you want your subordinates to be uptight and on edge? Doesn't that create bad work and a terrible work environment? Sweet Jesus I hate people...

I think it is time to buy that vanity plate I have been thinking of buying ( referring to number 1)...

The End of the World

I'm not going to lie. I have had a pretty large case of writers block. My creativity has been absolutely nil lately... Until this morning. I saw a trailer for a movie called " Seeking a Friend for the End of the World" staring Steve Carell. I would try to explain the plot to you but I would just be wasting my time. Just watch the trailer...

But what it got me thinking about was what exactly I would do if I had that little time left on earth. My mind would be freaking racing, I will tell you that. I wouldn't even know what to do first. I mean, I would do the obvious things like spend time with loved ones and cry a lot or something. But other than the usual thins would I do? What would anyone do in that situation? Do really irresponsible and wreckless things. 

1)These are in no particular order but obviously the first thing that pops into any persons head if something cataclysmic happens is this... I am going to be with a different gorgeous woman for the remaining days left on earth. I would reconsider if I were not single of course, but if I were single all bets would be off. I wouldn't have to be my normal shy self anymore when it comes to women because no one would give a shit. It's basically first come first serve at that point. 

2) I would eat whatever the hell I wanted whenever the hell I wanted. Think of the grossest most delicious crap. Literally, I would eat the biggest and juiciest burger you could ever imagine with about half a pig of bacon on it. It would be epic. And I wouldn't even have to care about the calories like I do now. What a world. 

3)I would try to track down a celebrity and meet them. I don't know, someone like Stan Lee or something. And I would have a deep conversation with them. You know, try and pick their brain a bit. 

4) I would loot a store, just because. It just seems like it would be a blast. 

5)I would play catch with my Dad and Grandfather. Or at least try to. 

6) I would go to a museum and touch the most famous painting in it. Maybe even take it down. 

7) I would want to shoot something with a flamethrower. I mean sheesh, who doesn't? 

8) I would hug my dog till he hated me. 

And when all of that was done... I would do it all over again till it ended. I don't know. Sometimes I think about deep things like this. I dot just complain haha. 

Netting

Continuing the trend of talking about genitals... Our family has had a pool in our back yard since we moved into this house. Why I have no idea because not one person ever used the son of a bitch. Everyone always busted my freaking balls about it too which always made me mad. "Why don't you ever use your pool, Greg?" " You are crazy for not using that pool, Greg!" Blah freaking blah... Well guess what people, it's gone now. So no more dumb questions about why I don't stand around in a bowl of water that is my body temperature. Now I will just stand in the field of grass I shoveled 20 ton of dirt into and enjoyed every second of. In my nearly 20 years in this house I can honestly say I had more fun shoveling dirt into a hole than I ever did in that pool.

Why did I hate that pool so much? Well there are a couple of reasons actually. First and probably most importantly, literally ever single time I get into water that is not a shower my ears fill up with water and I have an ear infection. Now before you thing to yourself why I didn't just use ear plugs, don't be so gullible. I have tried that. But let's be serious here. When is the last time you have ever been in a pool by yourself? Ever? No, you go in a pool with friends and most likely do the only fin things you can do in a pool... chicken fights and Marco Polo. Literally, what else is there to do? And how the hell are you going to play Marco Polo with ear plugs in? It's virtually impossible. So the ear plus theory is nixed. So it is either go in the pool for a couple hours and have fun and follow that up with 2 weeks of pure and utter hell or just not swim. I pick the later.

But this whole ear problem didn't bother me at a young age. In fact, there used to be a time I enjoyed swimming... You know, when I didn't have a pool at my disposal. But there was always one thing I HATED about swimming. Swimming trunks. Seriously, who designed these things? What in God's name is that netting inside of them? What is that even for? I'll tell ya what it's for... It's a damn torture device. I don't know about you other guys, but I find myself adjusting myself in those trunks more than focusing on the rumpus times around me. Is it supposed to be like a fish net or something? You know, to keep unwanted guests away from that special area. I mean, it could look like bait. Am I right? So I used to just cut that shit out. But then I wised up and just stopped paying money for crappy swim trunks and just used plain old basketball shorts. Honestly, it's the same damn thing. It seriously is useless.

If someone can convince me of what this is used for, I will give you anything I own. My car, dvd collection, anything. But I know you can't because there is no point. Game, set, match... this guy. 

Robotic Arm

This is truly one of the most amazing stories I have ever heard. While sitting at work reading the news (something I am not supposed to be doing at all) I saw a story that blew my mind... pun intended by the way... This woman, whose name is Kathy Hutchinson, was paralyzed from the neck down years ago leaving her completely aware of her surroundings but not able to communicate. So doctors got together and figured out a way of getting this woman to communicate. After studying her brain waves for a while they conjured up some sort of device that hooked up to her head and  controlled a mechanical arm. This device reads her brain waves and controls the mechanical arm just like her actual arm would work. Yes.... You heard me. She was controlling something WITH HER MIND... Don't believe me? Check this video out. It's insane.

Honestly, a giant step in medical technology. Pardon my paraphrasing on the first part of this blog but honestly I was just astounded. But of course you know where this is going. If you haven't learned anything about me yet, you know this is going to take a turn for the worst. You see, my mind works in mysterious ways. So as soon as I saw this all I thought about is other ways this could be used. I mean, instead of hooking something up to a persons head, I guarantee it will become wireless some day. So that just means you can hook it to other body parts. Certain male body parts... if you know what I am saying. I mean wouldn't this be a cure for erectile dysfunction? Not saying I have it... at all... I am just saying wouldn't it be killer to control it with your mind? Juuuust sayin. Especially when you are a teen. You can't control that thing if you tried. Shit happened down there at the most random of times. If only I could have controlled it with my mind... Hell if I could now! Case in point... In this situation...


Just kidding...