Chapter 10

Chapter 10

The Beach

            People have a strange affiliation and attraction to stupid things. This is one of those stupid things. Yes, it may be beautiful and it may be warm and all that fucking jazz. But this is how I see it. I think it is dirty, boring, and a waste of damn time. I mean seriously, think about how many people pee in the ocean? You think that shits sanitary? Or how about how many things have died in the ocean? It’s disgusting.

            Just think about it people. Hundreds, maybe thousands of fish die in the ocean every day and just kind of lay there and rot away. Dead people are thrown in the ocean, or at least that’s what some movies and television shows like to tell me. Garbage is left in the ocean. People and fish literally go to the bathroom in it. Yet people are splashing around in that shit, no pun intended, for weeks at a time for something they call a vacation. Now granted, the ocean is gigantic and there is little chance you’re even going to come close to anything but still. The idea of all of that in the ocean really freaks me out. And to top it off, the sand is something that really gets me steaming. I’m sure you have heard this from just about anyone who has ever gonna to the beach, but why the fuck does the sand stick in every crevice of your body the entire time you are there. It’s unreal.

Not only that it is really dirty, which should freak people out enough that they shouldn’t go to the damn beach, it’s really not worth anyone’s time. They spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars on a vacation to a place where you are going to literally lay there for days on end. People tell me all the time “but Greg, it’s so relaxing to just lay there on the beach.” I tell them, why the fuck cant you do that at home? Spend little to no money and lay in the back yard. That’s relaxing as well. Then they go on some stupid rant about how you don’t have the sound or the sight of the ocean in your back yard. To this I say, who gives a shit. If you have that much stress in your life where you have to go completely out of your way to a body of water to relieve your stress, then you got more problems in your life than just stress.

The sand is one of the worst things about the damn place. I swear to God as soon as you hit the town in which you are going, somehow sand gets in every crevice of your body. It’s literally drawn to your crotch. It doesn’t matter if your windows are down, up, or missing, the sand will find its way to your deepest darkest places as soon as you get there. And once you leave, you cant get rid of it. I remember the one time when we got home, I finally got all the sand off of me after about four baths. I take a damn bath every day, and I am very meticulous about it. But for some reason I found new sand in new places every day. In between my toes, in my ears, in my hair, in my crotch. There were no limits. It was some kind of cruel joke. And your shoes, forget about those. You wear a pair of shoes to the beach, you might as well throw them away when you get home because the sand will NEVER get out of them. You could literally not step foot on the beach and still leave with sand in all your shit. It’s the freakin worst. 

On top of all of the things I just mentioned, unfortunately for me, every fucking time I go in water my ears plug up. This only happens if I submerge my head in water, so showers don’t really do anything. Only if I go swimming. So you can see why I hate going swimming and going to the beach so much. I hate going swimming so much because every time I go in, no matter how hard I try and like some frigin miracle, water gets in my ear and it plugs up. I am then miserable for two weeks. People are always like, “Greg, why don’t you wear earplugs,” like I am some kind of fucking moron. I have tried it people. I tried the regular ones and I tried the ones where you supposedly can hear out of them. I tried everything. But apparently my ears are the shape of anything but the shape or an ear plug because they fall out. Not only that, you can’t hear shit, so what’s the point? Hey guys, let’s go swimming. It will be a jolly good time… except don’t try to talk to me, I can’t hear a damn thing. So forget playing any games or even have any sort of fun. Yipee!

Now you understand my pain. Not only are beaches a waste of damn time, I can’t do anything at them. The one major attraction to a fucking beach vacation is the damn ocean and I can’t go in it. So that brings my options down to basically nothing. I could look at good looking women, but at the beaches my family went to there are basically none. And I was so young, I didn’t give a damn about women yet anyways. But yet, my family continued to go to the damn place. It made no sense to me.

Wildwood, New Jersey. The only reason this place was remotely cool is because it had a really nice boardwalk and a couple of amusement parks. But other than that it’s like every other fucking beach in the world, just a little colder and depressing since it’s in New Jersey. New Jersey is depressing in its own right, why would you try and spunk it up with a vacation spot?

We also went to Ocean city, Maryland which was also just as bad in my opinion. They had a nice boardwalk and it was also long. But after about 300 yards of stores, they just kind of repeated… over and over and over again until the end of the boardwalk. So these were your options for the day. You could either be a lazy ass and just kind of lay there on the beach all day. That option was best for me, no matter how much I hated the idea. You could go swimming in either a pool or the ocean, which again I couldn’t do because of my ears. Or I could walk down the boardwalk and continue looking at the same thing over and over again. No thanks Ocean City. I would rather sit in the hotel and watch television.

We also went with the entire family to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. This was probably the most fun of any beach trip I ever had but it also sort of sucked. It was awesome that a lot of my family was there because my family is tons of fun, but we were still at a lame fucking beach. We had a really cool suite on the top of a hotel where all of our family stayed. It was big enough for 12 or more people, so it was huge. But even with the cool hotel digs, this place is the worst beach I have ever been to. When I say there was literally nothing to do, there was literally nothing to do. I could have walked around town if I weren’t like 11 years old. But no, I had to do what everyone else did. So that consisted of basically nothing. I remember like it was yesterday though. I spent most of my time watching the Disney channel because they had it and we didn’t get it at home. Also, this was about the time that the Chicago Bulls played the Utah Jazz for the first time in the NBA finals so I watched a lot of that as well. Other than those things, I really only remember one other thing from that stupid trip.

This trip was the first time I had ever heard of Krispy Kream doughnuts. Apparently at the time they weren’t as big as they are now because they weren’t really expanded. In fact, these things were like a southern delicacy. But my Grandmother, that little diabetic sweet tooth that I miss very much, bothered my Dad every damn morning to go get these freaking doughnuts. Let’s not even talk about the fact that the nearest shop was about ten miles down the road, it just didn’t even matter. She had to have her fill of Krispy Kream’s by the end of the trip or we wouldn’t hear the end of it until the end of it. By the end of the trip my pop’s finally cracked and surprised the family with these so called best doughnuts ever. Let me tell you, this was the first and last time I ever had one of those gross ass round pieces of fauz dough. They were too sweet, to slimy, and they literally melted in your mouth. How fucking gross is that? How the hell is a solid, besides maybe chocolate, supposed to melt in your freaking mouth? I’m sorry but that can’t be healthy. So all in all, my trip to Myrtle Beach consisted of the television show The Gummy Bears, the NBA Finals, and Krispy Kream doughnuts. Lamest vacation ever.

Of all the places in the world to go, a beach is literally the last place I would choose to go. Though now that I am old enough to drink, I maybe actually enjoy going, but who knows. I just don’t see the point after all of my terrible experiences. I mean I see these people driving around town with these gigantic fucking stickers saying that yes, in fact they have been to the OBX. Now if you don’t know what that is, first of all you’re obviously out of touch because this fucking sticker is plastered everywhere, and secondly I think you’re awesome. Who really gives a damn if you have ever been to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. Literally no one. Do you see me driving around town with a giant sticker on my back window saying I went to Cincinnati. Who the hell would want to advertise that shit anyways? For realz.

Now this is solely my opinion and I have only met a few people who share the same feelings with me. Literally everyone loves the beach. I don’t understand it. I mean after laying, walking, and swimming, what is there to actually do? I guess you could take up kite flying like my pops did. Remember the kite string story? Or maybe you could throw some sort of object around with a friend. No matter what, whatever you choose to do, it will likely be boring within the hour in which you start doing that activity. I mean how long can you throw around a damn Frisbee without saying to yourself,” good lord this is boring me to new heights. I never thought I could get this bored. Last time I got this bored is when I watched Donnie Darko for the first time.” And like I said, people go at this for weeks at a damn time. I really don’t understand how anyone could put themselves through the torture. I honestly don’t. I guess there could be worse things. Going to the meadow lands in New Jersey for example.

Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Movies

There will, however, be plenty of shitty movies to go around for everyone. Movies throughout the history have been hit or miss. I have a pretty good sense of what movies I will actually like, but there have been some flops that I misjudged as good. There have also been some trends in the movies lately that have really got me going. Trust me I will touch base on a lot of things in this chapter. Being the local movie expert, I think I have merit to talk about all of these things. And I will make that obviously clear.

I have seen thousands of movies in my day. In fact, movies are one of the few things I absolutely love in this world. There is just something about movies that I can relate to. Maybe it’s the fact that I hate reading so much. It takes hours upon hours for me to read a 300 page book, but they condense that very same book into an hour and half movie. That sounds like more of a time saver than anything to me. People complain about movie adaptations of books all the fucking time. They say “ why did they change that one part where so and so was walking up the stairs” or “Why would they take the scene out where she was cooking chicken, it was so important?” WHO CARES PEOPLE ?!?!?! Honestly, who gives a shit if that scene was supposed to happen on the train to school rather than the stairs in the school. Did it affect the plot at all? The answer to that question is a big fat no, and you need to get over the fact that directors have a vision. Now to be perfectly honest, this would probably bother me to if I read the book. But I have better things to do with my time then to actually read. I tried it for a bit, but knowing that a movie of the very same thing was coming out just months later just ate at me so bad that I stopped reading. That’s the laziness talking, I know, but what can I say. I am an extremely busy person. Seriously, who has time to read? Well apparently a lot of people do but I am just saying.

            Other than the fact I can’t stand nitpicking on stupid minute details like the above mentioned scenes, I can’t stand when things don’t make sense whatsoever in a film. This happens more than you think. Case in point… In the 2009 film Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, there is a scene in the movie that literally made my mind stop it was so perplexing. First of all, we have to realize the director of this movie. Michael Bay is an idiot. He doesn’t make good movies. Anyone who enjoys his movies should go to an electronics store, buy an actual good film, watch it, and then have a lobotomy. He just makes these films with huge budgets and a bunch of unnecessary explosions. In this film, there is a scene where they are in the air and space museum in Washington D.C. for some reason. And then for some reason this old ass jet plane comes to life because apparently there were also Transformers on the planet back in the day. Then this apparent Transformer apparently has an English accent and you can’t understand a word he says. Even if this was a vital part of the plot, which it really wasn’t, this was completely blown out of the water because of this fun fact. The end of the museum opens up and they are now in some desert. Seriously? You are in Washington D.C you stupid idiot. You really think you could slip that one past any person who is the least bit educated? I literally didn’t care about the rest of the movie because of this idiotic mishap. Not like it mattered, the movie was awful anyway. But honestly, was I the only one who noticed this? This museum is on the east freaking coast Michael Bay. There are no deserts around the Pennsylvania, Virginia, Maryland area, sir.

            And yet another Michael Bay blunder, let’s talk about the 2001 film Pearl Harbor. First off, the fact that this is an awful film doesn’t really help the fact that it had so many inaccuracies about it that a 4 year old fucking child who knows nothing about Pearl Harbor or that Japan is even a country could figure it out. First of all, Josh Hartnet seems like an absolute ass, so no girl would ever fall in love with him. Secondly, I would like to point out the fact that if you were not an educated person watching this film, you have absolutely no idea why the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor in the first place. It’s like the just did it for shits and giggles according to the film. And thirdly, and my absolute favorite, is that the some of the naval ships that were shown in the movie were no even introduced into the fleet until later in the decade. Pure stroke of genius you freaking+ idiots. Now I didn’t really find this inaccuracy, my father did. My pops was in the Navy and was the one who actually noticed this first. So I looked it up. Sure enough he was dead accurate. Why don’t you do your homework before making a damn movie? Especially if the film studio is going to invest so much money into a film, I want it to be accurate.  Sorry, I like enjoying what I am watching and if it’s blatantly being ignorantly inaccurate and stupid, I am going to criticize the hell out of it. That’s just me.

            Zumeckis is a great example of someone who has lost their touch. Though he has made some spectacular movies in the past (I.E. Back to the Future, Forrest Gump, and Cast Away) its like he has Benjamin Button disease now. Instead of making good films, he now just makes shitty CGI films like Polar Express and A Christmas Carol. Honestly, did anyone go see these movies? Apparently he has a childish fetish with the holiday season to, because both of these movies are Christmas movies. Go back to what you were good at brother, that is the best advice I could give you.

            Joel Schumacher is another one and he just may be the worst director of all time. I am not even exaggerating when I say this, but he actually ruined the Batman series for every generation to come. I didn’t think it was possible, but he actually made Batman look like a pussy. Hell, he even made Robin look like more of a pussy than he already did, and that’s a hard thing to do. He also made Arnold Schwarzenegger look like a complete fairy, which is hard to do when looking at who he made look like one. Probably one of the biggest superstars in the action film genre in a lifetime, and Mr. Schumacher made him look like a pixie in a cute metal suit. He also made Bane a bumbling idiot who basically does nothing in the movie. Here I go sounding like a big nerd, but anyone in their right minds could see this. Anyone who completely ruins such a manly thing, such as Batman, should be shunned from whatever they do as a profession. Case in point, Joel Schumacher. But nooooooooooo, he continues making shitty movies like Phone Booth and The Number 23… Someone please stop him before he hurts himself.  

            There are many more directors out there that make shitty movies, don’t get me wrong. But they don’t make me as angry as those two. And they don’t make as many awful movies as they do either. They may have a flub here in there, but not as many in a row as those ones above. Case in point… James Cameron has made some kick ass movies. He directed the first two Terminator movies as well as Aliens, which in my opinion is by far the best one of the series. But for God sake man, what the hell is the deal with Avatar? I am one to exaggerate things. In fact, it’s part of my shtick. But I am not exaggerating when I say that Avatar is literally the worst movie I have ever seen. Not only was it just a giant shit fest of cheap 3-D pops so that children can get their jollies from a blue thing popping out at them through the movie screen. Not only that, the damn movie is the story of Pocahontas on an alien planet. Seriously, just replace the pilgrims with an army, and you got it. Could you be less creative James? I would blame the writer for this debacle but you just so happen to be the writer as well…double fail.

            Not only did he fail in the fact that he basically recycled the story of Pocahontas, another gripe of mine is that you can’t connect to any character in that movie. Honesty I tried. Am I supposed to connect with the guy in the wheelchair because he’s a cripple? Am I supposed to connect with Sigourney Weaver because she’s been in every other fucking Cameron movie? Am I supposed to connect with any one of the hundreds of aliens they introduce you to in the movie? No, because they all suck and have no depth whatsoever. People say to me, “but Greg, it’s a deep love story.”If memory serves me correctly, the main character, if you want to call him that, falls in love with an alien. I don’t call that a deep love story, I say it’s more like bestiality than anything. That’s like me falling in love with a farm animal on the set of the remake of Charlotte's freakin Web. And if I want to connect with a love story, I’ll watch something more hardcore than alien on human action… trust me.

            This was one of the first movies to revolutionize the second coming of 3-D. This is an awful thing. Though it may sell a lot of tickets for a bigger price, the only people that really like 3-D movies are toddlers and their parents that go with them. And it isn’t just new movies either. They are re releasing older movies and making them 3-D for some reason. Honestly, if the release some spectacular movie and make it 3-D, like Star Wars for example, I will want to kill myself. It’s an actual travesty. On a scale from 1-10, with the destruction of earth being a 10, I would put re-releasing Star Wars in 3-D at an 8. I would want to kill a marmot if that actually happened. And it’s not that it’s just a novelty act, because it really is. But it’s the fact that almost every film is now being released in it. What happened to good ol’ fashioned film making? All people worry about is a damn cheap thrill now a days. I honestly think script writers now have to think about what they are writing because now there has to be scenes in movies where the character has to do something like punch the screen or throw a fucking pumpkin. It’s retarded.

            As much as I actually hate them, I have seen a few 3-D movies in my day. A couple of them have been in the theater but a couple of them have been on DVD as well. I saw a horror film with a bunch of friends and I actually laughed the entire time it was so bad. The only good part about the movie is there was this one part where a woman was ripped apart and you saw her boob… in 3-D. Boobs in 3-D are much better than boobs in 2-D. But then I saw a cartoon in 3-D. And then I understood why people were so enamored by 3-D films. The cartoon 3-D really worked and was much different than a normal movie. I guess it’s a lot easier to pull off something outrageous on a 3-D movie if it’s a children’s film. But this goes back to what I originally stated. 3-D should mainly be marketed to kids because it really only works for children’s movies. I don’t see 60 year old men going into the theaters wanting to see a 3-D movie. It’s sort of a niche market so to speak. So if it does stay around, keep it to your Justin Bieber concert movies and your Disney films. That’s how the movie industry is going to bank on the 3-D extravaganza that is the decade of 2010.

            Another thing I can’t stand about movies today is the fact that no one has an original idea. And if they actually do have an original idea, it’s fucking lame and doesn’t deserve to be anything but a lame thought in that lame persons head. All people do is either remake movies from ten years ago or make a movie from a book, which I talked about before. But the whole remake thing has really gotten to me. Just recently, a remake of a hilarious British film called Death at a Funeral was remade just three years after the original. That is outlandish. Probably the least necessary thing that needed to be done ever. Not only was it the fact that it was only three years after the original, it was pretty much the same film, shot by shot. The only difference really was that there were black actors in it. I am not bashing the film, I just honestly don’t think it was necessary to remake a film that was only three years old. I think there should honestly be a cap on the limit of years a film needs to be out there before it is remade. In my opinion, I think the perfect amount of years is 30. The reason I say this is because that is kind of where the generational gap is.

            Then there are these retarded parody movies. Yes, at one point they were funny. But who the fuck watches them anymore? Teeny boppers who like pop culture references about fake vampires and such is the correct answer to that question. After the first Scary Movie, where it was sort of a good idea and was kind of funny, there was no need to do it anymore. It is now getting to the point that these movies aren’t even going to the theater. They go straight to DVD, which if I made a film, would be the worst insult anyone could give me. That would be so insulting to me. I even get offended by some of the straight to DVD movies. I go to the store and see some of these titles and I think to myself, who the fuck thought this was a good idea and a good investment to make this movie? Do they really think they are going to make any money off of this? I am making some of these titles up (or at least I think I am), but stupid shit like Crazy Dog, the story of a family who owns a dog who does outlandish things, or even Wild Zoo, the story of a wild a wacky zoo where the animals work together to stop a group of criminals from stealing the prized Gorilla. I completely made those up but honestly, don’t be surprised if you see those on the shelf at a store near you in the next few years. Now that I thought about it, half of those damn movies are about animals that can do human things. Though this may be hilarious, there is no need to make seven MVP movies or nine Air Bud movies like they did.

            Last but not least are the actors and actresses that I hate most. Just like the musical artists in the above chapter, there are always those people you hate most in something you love. There are just certain people in the movie industry that piss me off, and for some of them I don’t really know why. Here are some of them and again these are in no particular order…

1.      Jake Gyllenhaal- Ever since I saw Donnie Darko, which by the way is one of the worst movies I have ever seen, I have hated this guy as an actor. Not only is he completely one dimensional, boring, he has the worst taste in movies that he is actually in. I can honestly say there is not one good film that he has been a part of. Because none of his characters are even remotely believable. Not only that, he is more freaking boring than  Keeanu Reeves. At least he made some good movies. He made the ultra popular Matrix series. Old Jakey poo made Prince of Persia… You do the math. I don’t think anyone went to see that movie. I was actually insulted by the fact that he tried to grow a beard. I have a more impressive beard on other parts of my body than he has on his face in that movie. You probably shouldn’t try that one again. And what the hell is up with hat stupid fucking smirk he always has on his face? No matter what movie, what role, or the scene he is in, he has this stupid smirk on his face. I literally makes me want to uppercut him into next week. It’s not like I don’t like the guy. In fact I have never met him before and most likely will never meet him. But the fact that he has made over 20 movies, none of which were good, bothers me.

2.      Nicolas Cage- Now here is a guy that is extremely popular and he really shouldn’t be. Though he is one of the top paid actors in Hollywood, he turns out these shitty movies that anyone who was actually in the right state of mind would never give the time of day. No I am not going to lie, unlike the last asshole I talked about, Mr. Cage has actually had a couple of good films. Matchstick Men and Lord of War were pretty damn good. But then you look at flubs like The Wicker Man and Ghost Rider and you just shake your head. Who the fuck thought those movies were a good idea? They were on the edge of being comedies they were so bad. Like holy shit people, why does this man keep getting hired for movies? On that note, why the hell was there a need to make a National Treasure 2? Did anyone actually stop and think how absolutely ridiculous it was? Yes, there is a secret cave inside Mount Rushmore where there is ancient gold while all along the way you see Nicky boy figuring out an hour and a half of lame ass clues that are also mind numbingly obvious. I tried being in a play once. I literally told the person directing it that I didn’t want the lead role, I couldn’t do it. So what does she do, she gives me the lead role. I was absolutely awful. No lie, I was so bad we canceled the play. Yes this was in seventh grade, but with that said, I am almost positive I could play a more convincing role in any Nicholas Cage movie.

3.      John Cusack- I am beginning to see a trend here. Really famous actors who have less talent than my testicles. Honestly if you were watching a John Cusack movie and then my balls were there to, something about my balls would most likely be more interesting. And my balls are quite normal. That’s how bad his movies actually are. Let’s go through some of his movie history. He has made an awful movie about a haunted hotel room, an iconic yet awful movie where he holds up a ghetto blaster playing some Peter Gabriel, and a movie about a runaway airplane carrying the worst convicts in the world. By the way, Nicky boy was in that movie too. That last movie is Con Air, if you didn’t know already, and it was actually pretty good. But let me tell you this, it had nothing to do with the lead actors of the movie. It was the supporting cast that saved that movie.

4.      Richard Gere- This guy actually has some talent. My problem with him is that for the life of him, he will not leave the romantic fucking comedy or romantic drama genres. Do you have no humor sir? Honestly, leave your comfort zone every once in a while bro. Though he has made some pretty good and iconic films, nothing can save the fact that most of his movies are boring and made for women. I am looking at his IMDB.com page right now. He has five films in the works right now and I guarantee in three years when they are out and have been seen, all of them will be in those two same genres I said before. Its baffling how someone can pretty much do the same movie over and over again for a whole career. But he did it so far.

5.      Renée Zellweger- I know this is mean and I ever hate to say it but… Woof. I mean seriously… I know I am not a good looking man by any stretch of the imagination and in no way should I be judging anyone by their looks but, does she even have eyes?  It’s not even just that, I can’t even fathom why she gets some of the roles that she gets. For example… In the western Apaloosa, she plays a “good looking” woman. Or in the film Leatherheads, she plays a “good looking” woman. Or even how about Jerry Maguire. She plays the “good looking” woman in that too, only difference is she had one of the most memorable lines in cinema history in that one. But seriously, they couldn’t find anyone else for those roles? Sure, she did a good job in them I just don’t think they were believable with her in those roles.

6.      Megan Fox- This one is on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. Megan Fox is sexy as hell. There is not denying this one at all. She just lacks that one thing you actually need to succeed in the movie industry. Yes, she does have a nice face and a killer set of cans, but any movie she is in is an absolute joke. I would date you Megan Fox, but you won’t catch me seeing Jessica’s Body anytime soon. Actually, you won’t see anyone seeing that movie anytime soon. What did it make in the box office, like $17?

7.      Tyler Perry- Who the hell is this guy? He cranks out television shows and movies like they are six page children books. This could mean two things… They either suck really badly or they are just recycled/ stereotypical stories that literally anyone could write. My guess is the first one. His main character, the one where he made all of his money and got his fame was this man dressed as a woman named Madea. Why do I know this? Because he made literally 83 films about this fat woman. What could possibly happen in these movies? Nothing worth my time I’ll tell you that much.

8.      Anyone in the Twilight Saga- Don’t even get me started on these pieces of trash. Not only did the movies sicken me, the two lead actors in the film are an abomination to the acting community. For one, the writer of the books didn’t even try. So when Robert Pattinson took on the role as Edward Cullen it only made sense. I mean for Christ sake, if the writer of those books didn’t try, why should Robert Pattinson? He doesn’t even comb his damn hair. Nor does he even try to act. He lets the glitter do the talking for him. The author made up rules for vampirism, rules that had been written in stone for lord knows how long and then captured every teenage God damn girl in the world’s imagination with how a vampire could actually love. I mean seriously, how could a vicious creature such as a vampire, whose sole purpose on this earth is to feed on human blood, not find time to love such a dashingly charming girl as Kristen Stewert? That was obviously sarcasm. She is neither pretty, charming, nor talented. In fact she rarely cracks a damn smile. There is literally not one good thing about hose fringing movies. Not one thing.

Although I may complain about a lot of things, movies are literally one of my biggest passions. I love movies. But just like everything else, there are things that just erk me about stuff and rub me the wrong way. Speaking of rubbing me the wrong way…

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Fads

            Now this is a subject that I fine absolutely hilarious. I am not one to follow in with the crowd most of the time, but when you grow up with a bunch of kids that are into something you kind of have to be. If your friends are into football, for example, why would you be the only one playing baseball. Now even though I felt like that sometimes, I have to admit I did get into some of the big fads growing up. In fact, some of them were my forte.

            One of the biggest things to collect during my childhood and even my teenage years were different types of cards. When I was really young, baseball cards were the shit. I couldn’t get enough of my favorite team, which for some reason never seemed to come when I bought a pack of cards. I love the Pittsburgh Pirates, but yet when I would beg my mother to buy a pack of cards for me I would get 12 cards of teams I hate. No matter how many cards I would get, the ratio of Pirates I would get would be at least 50:1. You would think this would be the other way around, being that no one outside of Pittsburgh actually likes that team, but it isn’t. That isn’t how it works when I collect things… unless…

            On of the only things I have ever been good at in my life was collecting Pokémon cards. I could wheel and deal like no one had ever seen before. For those of you who don’t know, there were four different types of cards back when I collected these things. Now that there are nearly 600 different ones, I have no idea if they changed this. But back when I collected them there were common cards, uncommon cards, rare cards, and then the holographic cards. These were represented by a circle, a diamond, a star, and a holographic star. If you got the last one of any card, you were the coolest kid on the block. There were also certain cards that made you even cooler. If you had the holographic Charizard you were the king. I knew a few people who had a couple of them and it made me jealous. But I finally got my hands on one and that’s when I made my move as wheeler and dealer of the century. I was flipping packages of ten common cards for rare cards, which no one could do but me. I had a way of talking these kids into it that no one else did. I was on top of the world. But then… I grew up. I realized how stupid it was to own all of these pieces of cardboard that were worth nothing. I mean no one even played the fucking game. I know I tried a couple times, but all people wanted to do with them was put them in some protective sheets and run around town with them. It was asinine behavior. Here are some cards made to play a game. People buy literally millions upon millions of them, and no one plays the damn game. People just wanted to collect them all. I gave all of mine to my cousin years later because I honestly could have cared less about them. My honest opinion? I think trading cards and game cards are made to teach kids the basics to bartering. And it worked.

            If there is one thing everyone knows it’s that most kids don’t like to read. But every once in a while there is an author who catches every kids imaginations…except for mine of course. There was a man whose name was R.L.Stine, which no one knew what the hell stood for by the way, who wrote these terrible horror books. Such literary gems with names as “Welcome to Dead House”, “Let's Get Invisible!,” and “ The Blob That Ate Everyone” were obviously written to win the Nobel Prize. I mean, that second book I mentioned obviously wasn’t even a pun. Now that’s what I call creativity. How couldn’t something like these books trap every 12 year olds imagination? Well I didn’t get caught up in the hype. For one, I hate reading. Two, if I did read I would want to read something fucking better than some shitty horror story that isn’t scary. Shitty horror stories aren’t my bag baby. But then he came out with these books where you could choose your own ending. I said “wow what an interesting idea.” Then I read it. Even worse than the other books, I swear. If there is something written that can’t even hold the attention of a nine year old, there is something wrong. But seriously, the people in my school literally bought ever fucking book that came out. I don’t even know if they read them I was smart and took them from the library. I win. But like I said, I didn’t read them. I would try, but then would realize how awful they actually were after about ten pages.

            People had an addiction to furry animals while I was growing up too. Actually not just furry animals, animals in general. One of the products that reflected this were these idiotic bead animals that everyone was fucking making. I even did it. But now looking back I realize how time consuming and stupid it was. I don’t even know where they are but I literally did at least 100 of each of these…

bookers, who are usually old women too. So that sort of makes the craft store industry sort of a niche market… to old bags.

            Not only were bead animals king of the jungle during the nineties, there was another product that everyone literally went bonkers over. These fuckers were at craft stores too, along with every other damn store you passed. Apparently the days of polyester stuffing had passed and thus the days of plastic pellets ruled. Yes, I am talking about beanie babies everyone and I hate to say it, but I also fell into this trap. I had hundreds of these overly expensive bean bags hoping one day my pay day would come. Yes, I was thinking I was going to make some dough in the future off of these things. Boy that was foolish. But at least I wasn’t one of these fucking idiotic, psychotic, and moronic people who thought they were going to make enough money to retire if they got their hands on something like this…

Seriously? You think you are going to retire off of this thing? People are really gullible. I’m going to retire off my good looks… I remember when these were hot. People would literally hit each other if they saw one of these they needed in their collection. And I stress “needed” because of how friging ridiculous that word sounds when talking about bean bags in the shape of an animal. But I sort of understand it I guess. I mean who wouldn’t go wacko over something as cute as Tangerine the orangutan. That was sarcasm by the way, though that’s another thing. Those stupid freaking names are out of line. Some of the classics include Belvedere the bear, Sophisticat the kitty cat, and Dewi Y Ddraig the dragon are just a few of the classics that people splooged their pants over. How the fuck do you even say that last one? All I know is I got rid of that shit as soon as I realized that these things really weren’t worth the money that people were saying they were worth. They were honestly just sitting on a shelf collecting dust, so what did I care?

            Digital pets were a big thing when I was a kid as well. This was one of the fads that went on for quite a while if I remember correctly. Why the hell did it go on for so long? It’s literally a machine the size of an egg where you have a pet that looks like a pile of poop. Then, your pile of poop poop’s, a lot. Then you gotta clean up the poop while trying to figure out the difference between the actual poop and your poopy pet. Then it usually grows up into some other animal looking thing while you feed it meat and clean up poop constantly… all day every day… it’s exhausting. People played with these during school, like it was any more interesting than social studies. In fact, it was probably less interesting. It literally does nothing but shit. There were people who actually had these things just to keep resetting the pet and killing it off again. What the hell is wrong with some people? I mean seriously. People would actually buy the game “The Sims” to just starve their character and kill them off. What a bunch of re-re’s.

            Those finger skateboards were a big deal for a while. I tried them, but I could never fucking do it. It’s just like regular skateboarding, it’s a frigin travesty if I try and do it. I honestly think the people who are actually amazing at the sport are super heroes. They literally defy gravity. There is no way in hell someone should be able to make a piece of wood on wheels go up in the air and have their feet stick to it the whole way. I have no idea how it’s done. And those finger skateboards are even worse. How the hell are you supposed to do that with just two fingers? It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. Anyways, all of these people I knew were good at it and then there was me who could only really put his middle finger on it and then push it around with my pointer. Yeah, that’s how I roll. But they made these accessories for people who were really good. They made half pipes, grind rails, and anything that was made for real skateboarders. So apparently they were a big hit. I could just never figure out how to do it. If you haven’t figured it out yet, things that I can’t figure out how to do really makes me angry.

            That slime stuff, or Gak, was a fad for a short time. It didn’t make any sense. You couldn’t do anything with it except kind of touch it. Then after you touched it for a while, no matter what you did. It got all dirty and fuzzy and then you could never play with it again. The fact that you could only really play with it for a short period of time didn’t really make it any easier to accept the fact that you just paid $10 for that container of slime. To top it off, it literally smelled like fish. So then after you played with it for an hour, made it look like a fizzy ball of dirt, and then realized that its actually a useless consumer item, your hands smell like shit. Great job wasting my time and money you stupid slime makers.

            Every ten years Yo-Yo’s come back. I am 24 years old now, and I think I saw some hoodlums using them the other day. I remember ten or so years prior they were a hit while I was in school. I had a Duncan butterfly, which was a cheaper model but was notorious for being a good sleeper. So it was good for learning some tricks. I could only really ever do a couple tricks, but that’s not the point. In the technological age of interactive video games and computers, why the hell do Yo-Yo’s keep coming back. They aren’t fun. I actually guarantee its one of those things that when a kid plays with it for more than 20 minutes, they throw it in the corner of their rooms and then lay there and watch some stupid fucking mindless kids show until their awful parents, who bought them that very Yo-Yo, make them go to bed at an very late hour. I don’t really know where I’m going with this other than the fact that I didn’t play with mine more than a couple days before I threw it in a box and left it there to rot. I guarantee every other kid in this world, except those dedicated few ridiculous people who are professional Yo-Yoists, do the same thing as I did.

            Probably the biggest trend while I grew up was one of the dumbest things ever invented. Unlike the card game I talked about at the beginning of the chapter, this was a game that I actually witnessed people playing. Hell, I actually played it myself. This game is called pog’s. Pog’s were, and I refer to them in the past tense because no one in their right minds plays this stupid fucking game anymore, a game where you bought hundreds of these cardboard circles with pictures on them. You then take those circles and stack them very high and throw a metal or heavy plastic circle at them. This was called a slammer. That was it. Invigorating. Now you could play with other people, and by doing this you were playing for keeps. You would hit each other’s stacks with your slammer and whatever pog’s were left face down would become yours, and vice versa. I did this a couple times but it always seemed that my crapper of a slammer never got the job done. So I was like fuck it. You would transport them in these gigantic cylinder shaped tubes that were literally longer than a car. People actually carried these things around. And speaking of hilarious, what the hell was the deal with the designs on the pog’s? Every pog had an 8 ball, skull, or a ying yang on it. Most people don’t even know what the hell a ying yang is. I swear to you, every one of my pog’s, except maybe a few, had those designs on them. All I know is if this fad ever returns I will want to punch a hole in a wall. It was literally the lamest thing I have ever done in my life.

            Why do we feel the need to buy these idiotic trendy items? It boggles my mind, but it still happens. Even though all of the things I have talked about happened in my younger days, adults do it too. With electronics, cars, and clothes, adults do the same exact thing just on a larger scale. I even do it now even because I buy every damn DVD I can see. I exaggerate obviously, but it’s a hobby I guess and I guess all of the things above kind of were to. Only thing is, movies will never die. 

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Fads

            Now this is a subject that I fine absolutely hilarious. I am not one to follow in with the crowd most of the time, but when you grow up with a bunch of kids that are into something you kind of have to be. If your friends are into football, for example, why would you be the only one playing baseball. Now even though I felt like that sometimes, I have to admit I did get into some of the big fads growing up. In fact, some of them were my forte.

            One of the biggest things to collect during my childhood and even my teenage years were different types of cards. When I was really young, baseball cards were the shit. I couldn’t get enough of my favorite team, which for some reason never seemed to come when I bought a pack of cards. I love the Pittsburgh Pirates, but yet when I would beg my mother to buy a pack of cards for me I would get 12 cards of teams I hate. No matter how many cards I would get, the ratio of Pirates I would get would be at least 50:1. You would think this would be the other way around, being that no one outside of Pittsburgh actually likes that team, but it isn’t. That isn’t how it works when I collect things… unless…

            On of the only things I have ever been good at in my life was collecting Pokémon cards. I could wheel and deal like no one had ever seen before. For those of you who don’t know, there were four different types of cards back when I collected these things. Now that there are nearly 600 different ones, I have no idea if they changed this. But back when I collected them there were common cards, uncommon cards, rare cards, and then the holographic cards. These were represented by a circle, a diamond, a star, and a holographic star. If you got the last one of any card, you were the coolest kid on the block. There were also certain cards that made you even cooler. If you had the holographic Charizard you were the king. I knew a few people who had a couple of them and it made me jealous. But I finally got my hands on one and that’s when I made my move as wheeler and dealer of the century. I was flipping packages of ten common cards for rare cards, which no one could do but me. I had a way of talking these kids into it that no one else did. I was on top of the world. But then… I grew up. I realized how stupid it was to own all of these pieces of cardboard that were worth nothing. I mean no one even played the fucking game. I know I tried a couple times, but all people wanted to do with them was put them in some protective sheets and run around town with them. It was asinine behavior. Here are some cards made to play a game. People buy literally millions upon millions of them, and no one plays the damn game. People just wanted to collect them all. I gave all of mine to my cousin years later because I honestly could have cared less about them. My honest opinion? I think trading cards and game cards are made to teach kids the basics to bartering. And it worked.

            If there is one thing everyone knows it’s that most kids don’t like to read. But every once in a while there is an author who catches every kids imaginations…except for mine of course. There was a man whose name was R.L.Stine, which no one knew what the hell stood for by the way, who wrote these terrible horror books. Such literary gems with names as “Welcome to Dead House”, “Let's Get Invisible!,” and “ The Blob That Ate Everyone” were obviously written to win the Nobel Prize. I mean, that second book I mentioned obviously wasn’t even a pun. Now that’s what I call creativity. How couldn’t something like these books trap every 12 year olds imagination? Well I didn’t get caught up in the hype. For one, I hate reading. Two, if I did read I would want to read something fucking better than some shitty horror story that isn’t scary. Shitty horror stories aren’t my bag baby. But then he came out with these books where you could choose your own ending. I said “wow what an interesting idea.” Then I read it. Even worse than the other books, I swear. If there is something written that can’t even hold the attention of a nine year old, there is something wrong. But seriously, the people in my school literally bought ever fucking book that came out. I don’t even know if they read them I was smart and took them from the library. I win. But like I said, I didn’t read them. I would try, but then would realize how awful they actually were after about ten pages.

            People had an addiction to furry animals while I was growing up too. Actually not just furry animals, animals in general. One of the products that reflected this were these idiotic bead animals that everyone was fucking making. I even did it. But now looking back I realize how time consuming and stupid it was. I don’t even know where they are but I literally did at least 100 of each of these…

bookers, who are usually old women too. So that sort of makes the craft store industry sort of a niche market… to old bags.

            Not only were bead animals king of the jungle during the nineties, there was another product that everyone literally went bonkers over. These fuckers were at craft stores too, along with every other damn store you passed. Apparently the days of polyester stuffing had passed and thus the days of plastic pellets ruled. Yes, I am talking about beanie babies everyone and I hate to say it, but I also fell into this trap. I had hundreds of these overly expensive bean bags hoping one day my pay day would come. Yes, I was thinking I was going to make some dough in the future off of these things. Boy that was foolish. But at least I wasn’t one of these fucking idiotic, psychotic, and moronic people who thought they were going to make enough money to retire if they got their hands on something like this…

Seriously? You think you are going to retire off of this thing? People are really gullible. I’m going to retire off my good looks… I remember when these were hot. People would literally hit each other if they saw one of these they needed in their collection. And I stress “needed” because of how friging ridiculous that word sounds when talking about bean bags in the shape of an animal. But I sort of understand it I guess. I mean who wouldn’t go wacko over something as cute as Tangerine the orangutan. That was sarcasm by the way, though that’s another thing. Those stupid freaking names are out of line. Some of the classics include Belvedere the bear, Sophisticat the kitty cat, and Dewi Y Ddraig the dragon are just a few of the classics that people splooged their pants over. How the fuck do you even say that last one? All I know is I got rid of that shit as soon as I realized that these things really weren’t worth the money that people were saying they were worth. They were honestly just sitting on a shelf collecting dust, so what did I care?

            Digital pets were a big thing when I was a kid as well. This was one of the fads that went on for quite a while if I remember correctly. Why the hell did it go on for so long? It’s literally a machine the size of an egg where you have a pet that looks like a pile of poop. Then, your pile of poop poop’s, a lot. Then you gotta clean up the poop while trying to figure out the difference between the actual poop and your poopy pet. Then it usually grows up into some other animal looking thing while you feed it meat and clean up poop constantly… all day every day… it’s exhausting. People played with these during school, like it was any more interesting than social studies. In fact, it was probably less interesting. It literally does nothing but shit. There were people who actually had these things just to keep resetting the pet and killing it off again. What the hell is wrong with some people? I mean seriously. People would actually buy the game “The Sims” to just starve their character and kill them off. What a bunch of re-re’s.

            Those finger skateboards were a big deal for a while. I tried them, but I could never fucking do it. It’s just like regular skateboarding, it’s a frigin travesty if I try and do it. I honestly think the people who are actually amazing at the sport are super heroes. They literally defy gravity. There is no way in hell someone should be able to make a piece of wood on wheels go up in the air and have their feet stick to it the whole way. I have no idea how it’s done. And those finger skateboards are even worse. How the hell are you supposed to do that with just two fingers? It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. Anyways, all of these people I knew were good at it and then there was me who could only really put his middle finger on it and then push it around with my pointer. Yeah, that’s how I roll. But they made these accessories for people who were really good. They made half pipes, grind rails, and anything that was made for real skateboarders. So apparently they were a big hit. I could just never figure out how to do it. If you haven’t figured it out yet, thins that I can’t figure out how to do really makes me angry.

            That slime stuff, or Gak, was a fad for a short time. It didn’t make any sense. You couldn’t do anything with it except kind of touch it. Then after you touched it for a while, no matter what you did. It got all dirty and fuzzy and then you could never play with it again. The fact that you could only really play with it for a short period of time didn’t really make it any easier to accept the fact that you just paid $10 for that container of slime. To top it off, it literally smelled like fish. So then after you played with it for an hour, made it look like a fizzy ball of dirt, and then realized that its actually a useless consumer item, your hands smell like shit. Great job wasting my time and money you stupid slime makers.

            Every ten years Yo-Yo’s come back. I am 24 years old now, and I think I saw some hoodlums using them the other day. I remember ten or so years prior they were a hit while I was in school. I had a Duncan butterfly, which was a cheaper model but was notorious for being a good sleeper. So it was good for learning some tricks. I could only really ever do a couple tricks, but that’s not the point. In the technological age of interactive video games and computers, why the hell do Yo-Yo’s keep coming back. They aren’t fun. I actually guarantee its one of those things that when a kid plays with it for more than 20 minutes, they throw it in the corner of their rooms and then lay there and watch some stupid fucking mindless kids show until their awful parents, who bought them that very Yo-Yo, make them go to bed at an very late hour. I don’t really know where I’m going with this other than the fact that I didn’t play with mine more than a couple days before I threw it in a box and left it there to rot. I guarantee every other kid in this world, except those dedicated few ridiculous people who are professional Yo-Yoists, do the same thing as I did.

            Probably the biggest trend while I grew up was one of the dumbest things ever invented. Unlike the card game I talked about at the beginning of the chapter, this was a game that I actually witnessed people playing. Hell, I actually played it myself. This game is called pog’s. Pog’s were, and I refer to them in the past tense because no one in their right minds plays this stupid fucking game anymore, a game where you bought hundreds of these cardboard circles with pictures on them. You then take those circles and stack them very high and throw a metal or heavy plastic circle at them. This was called a slammer. That was it. Invigorating. Now you could play with other people, and by doing this you were playing for keeps. You would hit each other’s stacks with your slammer and whatever pog’s were left face down would become yours, and vice versa. I did this a couple times but it always seemed that my crapper of a slammer never got the job done. So I was like fuck it. You would transport them in these gigantic cylinder shaped tubes that were literally longer than a car. People actually carried these things around. And speaking of hilarious, what the hell was the deal with the designs on the pog’s? Every pog had an 8 ball, skull, or a ying yang on it. Most people don’t even know what the hell a ying yang is. I swear to you, every one of my pog’s, except maybe a few, had those designs on them. All I know is if this fad ever returns I will want to punch a hole in a wall. It was literally the lamest thing I have ever done in my life.

            Why do we feel the need to buy these idiotic trendy items? It boggles my mind, but it still happens. Even though all of the things I have talked about happened in my younger days, adults do it too. With electronics, cars, and clothes, adults do the same exact thing just on a larger scale. I even do it now even because I buy every damn DVD I can see. I exaggerate obviously, but it’s a hobby I guess and I guess all of the things above kind of were to. Only thing is, movies will never die. 

Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Bad odors

            Is there anything more offensive on the face of this planet than a bad smell? Well, if it’s coming off of a person maybe not. And trust me I have met my fair share of smelly people in my day. You may be thinking to yourself, “Man, this chapter is pointless.” Well you would be thinking correctly. The fact is, foul odors are something we have to deal with, especially if you live around the area that I have lived in all of my life. People encounter smelly objects almost every of their lives and don’t think twice about it. I just happen to put some thought into it. What can I say, smelly shit, no pun intended, offends me. I like smelling fresh and new and I like the places I am in to smell that way too. I guess that was just how I was brought up.

            First and most obvious of all, let’s talk about poop. Poop, although a hilarious word to say, can be as offensive as a Big Momma’s House 3 is to the movie industry. Why the hell are they making another one I have no idea. Hell, why did they make the first two? Anyways… Poop can come in many shapes and sizes and each has its own shock factor about it. And don’t get it twisted, no matter what, there is nothing nice about the smell of any species’ shit. Shit is shit. It comes out of something’s ass and it is called waste for a reason. Your body is literally rejecting it because it smells so bad. No one likes the smell of shit. It is offensive to everyone on the face of the earth. Well, you know, check that statement. Some people may be into it. Some sick bastard reading this will sue me because it’s his own personal fetish. To each his own I guess.

            Like I said before, living in or around the area of which I lived in most of my life it is a common occurrence to smell shit all day long. It doesn’t matter if you are in the house or outside, that smell is just tattooed in your nose. Why is that? Well besides the fact that my father goes to the bathroom 100 times a day and then thinks it’s hilarious not to spray ( I love you by the way father), we live around farms. Farms produce the foulest smells of anything I will be talking about in this chapter. Not only do they have cows, they have pigs which roll around in God only knows, and even compost on site. Cows are infamous for smelling bad. We all know this. But why do they stink up everything? Well how about for the simple fucking fact that they poop 20 times a day. Did you just read that? I don’t think you did so I will repeat it. COWS POOP 20 TIMES PER DAY! Nothing on this planet should have to shit that much. And if you don’t believe me, look that shit up. I did my research. At least you know they are regular.

            Then you have pigs which in their own right are just as or maybe even grosser than the whole cow situation. Cows may shit their brains out, but at least they have enough dignity to roll around in it. Pigs wallow around in their own fecal matter. What kind of animal is dumb enough to do this? Well I guess the pig is. That was a dumb question Greg. But that isn’t even the grossest part about these farm animals. They also eat their own shit if they are given the right conditions. No wonder those things smell so bad. Dumb dumb dumb animal… But boy do they taste good. I don’t give a damn how much they roll around or eat their own crap. Bacon tastes soooo good.

            Both of those animals obviously add to the notable stench of a farm. It’s quite obvious. But you also have to take into consideration that some farms actually use compost to farm with. This has almost a worse stench than some crap does. For those of you who have no idea what compost is, it is a mixture of decaying organic matter used to improve soil structure and provide nutrients to the soil. But what exactly is in it? Mainly dead leaves and manure. That’s right, rotting wet leaves and shit. Not only do both of these things smell terrible apart from each other, they have to be mixed together to provide one of the most natural and cheap growing materials for farmers. How would I describe the smell of compost… hmmm… well, what other things smell like rotting leaves and shit? Nothing. That’s what it smells like, and it’s awful. So why leave it sitting out where everyone can fucking smell it? I assume that most places don’t and take the proper procedures to keep the smell under control with such things like compost bins and other materials. But not around here.

           

            I also dread walking out of my house during the warmer months. Over yonder, on top of a hill oh about a mile away there is an actual rat farm. I have no idea what they test on those poor things in that plant, but they do. There is also this God awful smell that comes out of that place that I can only describe as smelling like rusty shit. Yes, that’s right, rusty shit. I like playing basketball outside so standing in that awful stench is not very fun at all. You would think you would get used to it, but you don’t. It just keeps lingering and lingering until you go back inside. Luckily it never lingers inside your house. Now that I think about it, that’s sort of odd. It’s like it waits for you to go outside so it can latch on to you. It waits to attack. Like I said, I have no idea what they do at that place, but the stench is unbearable. And it only comes out during the summer months. It doesn’t smell during the winter.

            Another thing that we have to deal with in this area is a little furry creature. A furry creature that actually feasts on garbage and sprays smelly shit out of a gland in its ass. That’s right ladies and gents, it’s the weird neighbor that no one likes because of his odor of the animal kingdom. Honestly, you find me one person who actually likes a skunk and I will buy you some groceries or something. I wouldn’t buy you anything that large because after rethinking this, I am sure you could find someone pretty easily that likes skunks. I need to think before I type. These creatures obviously use this smelly solution that they shoot out of their asses as a defense mechanism. They don’t do it as a party gag. It’s not like they are just shooting the shit around the woods and they let one slip. It’s because they are scared shitless about something and they do it to scare whatever has startled them away from that area. It has been said that it actually smells something like a mixture of eggs, garlic, and burning rubber, and to tell you the truth, I love all of those smells. And to be honest, I don’t mind the smell of skunk that much either. But then again I have never actually been sprayed by one before. So I am guessing I would be pretty pissed if I did. Especially if I would have to take a bath in tomato juice. I would literally gag. Just thinking about that makes me cringe a little.

            Being that skunks ass juice smells sort of like garlic and eggs, it made me think of other smelly foods that I despise. My family has a lot of polish in its blood. So you can imagine the things that I have had to smell and eat during my days. I am pretty sure every fucking Polish dish has some sort of smelly ass ingredient in it just to mess with my psyche. One of the main ingredients in a lot of Polish food is, in fact, one of the smelliest foods on the face of this earth is cabbage. The smell is so strong when it is being cooked that it fills the entire house with its awfulness. If that’s no fucking bad enough, if you have any sort of clothing exposed, be it folded clothes in your room, shoes, or God forbid jackets, forget about it. You are smelling like cabbage for weeks. People probably thought I lived in a damn cabbage patch. And good lord the taste is awful to. My mother is probably the best cook on the planet, and I don’t blame her, but the taste of anything with cabbage is sooooo bad. Halushki and cabbage rolls were made a lot in my house, so you can just think how I dreaded those days.

            The smell of onions is also something that I could live without for the remainder of my time left on earth. I loathe the distinctive smell of onions so much. I can’t even describe it when its being cooked. And again, this is something that was cooked a lot in my house. They smell like shit and when they cook it burns your eyes so much you want to be anywhere but there. I actually had my first experience with cutting onions not too long ago. I had to cut an onion at my one job and I seriously thought it wouldn’t bother me as much as it did. The smell, first of all, was unbearable. It smacked me in the face but I continued on like the trooper I am. Then came the eyes. I always thought people were just giant bitches fir crying when they cut an onion. If that’s the case, I must be the biggest bitch of them all because this was the worst feeling that had ever went over that part of my face. Ever. Then I made the brilliant move of rubbing my eyes, which then put me out of commission for a solid 15 minutes. I was rolling on the floor in pain, punching the wall, and sort of laughing about this wonderful life experience I just bestowed upon myself. Fuck onions. They don’t taste good and they smell terrible. By the way, along with cabbage, these will not leave your clothes for weeks either. I pity the fool who owns a wool jacket and leaves it out when one of these items is being cooked. I literally hide mine in a bomb shelter because that is the only thing that protects things from the chemical warfare of onion and cabbage smell.

            Another item on the list of the worst smelling foods is something that personally hits home to me, and it hits hard. It is a condiment. A condiment that I personally think should be taken off the shelves and never be served again. Mustard is that awful thing I am referring to. There should be a prohibition against mustard just like there was with alcohol back in the day. I can’t believe I am going to actually say this because I have a feeling it is going to come back and haunt me, but mustard is literally my worst fear in life. I am deathly afraid of a condiment. And no, don’t you DARE think I took this from the Jackass movie, because I have always been afraid of mustard. The next time someone says that to me, shits gonna go down. Yes, I am going to steal something so damn obscure from a movie, and from a character that no one even likes, just to garner some attention for myself. That was my grand scheme people. Anyways… The reasons I am afraid of mustard are few. For one, the color is absolutely putrid. Nothing that color should be ingested. It is like neon yellow people. It might as well be toxic waste you are putting on your hot dog because you actually wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Second is what it does to you. There is not one item in the food market, scratch that, the planet, that actually stains anything it touches. Except for mustard. I challenge you, slap some mustard on any substance and leave it there for a bit. Then try and clean it. Not even an industrial cleaner gets that shit out. Something that stains literally anything it touches can’t be healthy for anyone to ingest. And third, and most important, is the smell of this creepy item. Just thinking of it makes me gag a little. It honestly is the worst smell on the planet. I had a girl once find out that I was afraid of mustard and she then sprayed the length of my body in the grossness. I then vomited all over the place the street where I was and ran home. True story. By the way the clothes had to go in the garbage because MUSTARD STAINS EVERYTHING!

            I pity the people who had to walk those streets that day. Vomit smells horrifying. And trust me, I should know. As a child, I wasn’t medically diagnosed as bulimic, but I pretty much was. According to my parents, if I didn’t throw up during the day, they day wasn’t complete. This went on for years and years. I would probably say this went on till I was about seven years old. I know this because I became the normal chunky self I am today. And it is kind of weird, because I puked so much when I was a kid I think my body just doesn’t want to do it anymore. I can drink a shit ton of liquor and never puke. The only time I remember puking in the near past was when I got really sick with this 24 hour bug during the winter of 2010. I can honestly say it was the worse sickness I ever had because there was liquid coming out of both ends of me at one point. That happened so much I got dehydrated and had to go to the hospital. I think I had a record streak of years that I hadn’t puked until that day. Anyways, the reason puke is so offensive to me is because like I said I have seen and smelled a fair share of it in my day. Not only my own, but college had a lot of puke in it to. My good friend and roommate Cody didn’t know how to hold his liquor. I remember one fateful night he had drank a lot of apple flavored vodka. And being the one who took care of him I had to feel the brunt of that fact. In one fail swoop, I knew what kind of liquor he was drinking that night, what he had for dinner that night, and that he most likely broke the world record for the most time spent vomiting in one night. Thanks Cody for that wonderfully smelling mess.  And that’s what makes it so rank. Because its literally everything you have ingested during that day, which inevitably makes fowl smelling and looking vomit. Let’s face it, a lot of people eat gross shit.

            Cody was also one of those people who literally refused to take out the trash. This also adds to a bad smelling apartment. There are a lot of things that can go in the garbage that can add to that effect, especially if you are a college student. Myself, I added two of the smelliest things to ever face the garbage realm to the mix. I ate a lot of three different things during college, one of which being cereal. I love cereal, plain and simple. My day is not complete if I don’t have a bowl of it actually. I actually love cereal so much that I tried the Special K diet once. That lasted about two months and I went absolutely bonkers. For anyone who hasn’t tried or heard of the Special K diet, it is infuriating. Oh, it works people. You do lose weight. But this is why… You literally eat a bowl of cereal for two meals a day. And not just any cereal, the award winner for blandest cereal ever. So go ahead, try it. I need flavor in my life. But the cereal is not what smelled so bad, it was the milk. I am a big supporter of skim milk, no matter how much my father hates me for it. See my father is a milk man. No not like the old guys who used to come door to door, he is the guy takes it to the stores for you to buy. But he will not drink any other milk than 2%. I tried explaining to him that skim is better for you and you get the same qualities of 2%, just a little more watery… He will not have it. But I don’t think my father is worrying about his health much. I love the man more than anything, but for God sake he insists on eating two banana popsicles a night. So I don’t think a little life change like changing to skim milk is going to happen in the near future. Anyways, the milk is what the smelly item was. I had a problem with never using my milk on time while I was in college so it would always spoil. And then I would throw it away but the trash would never leave that little room because we didn’t add to it often. Sour milk is a wretched stench. One of those smells that makes your head jerk back. There aren’t many of those smells out there.

            I also ate a lot of chicken while I was in school. Not that pre maid chicken nugget crap either. No, real chicken breasts are what I bought. Nothing but the best for this guy. But after not using what I didn’t want from the package, what do you do? You throw those little slivers of chicken in the garbage. After about 2 hours, the scent of rotten flesh comes rolling through the apartment. And that’s basically what it is, something very dead, and that’s what it smells like. Hell even fresh chicken has a distinct smell to it. I guess there is just something about dead animals that smells bad. The question is, why the hell does it smell so good when you cook it? That’s what doesn’t make sense to me. How can something that smells like garbage smell so good after you put it under some heat. I also ate a lot of tuna in my day. Tuna smells like fish, obviously, and fish has a very distinct smell to it which is offensive to some. Some may not think it’s bad, like me. But after you throw it in the trash and it sits in there for a while it does. And just imagine all three of those things together. Holy Hell…

            When thinking about what I was going to write about in this chapter, I realized that a lot of these things can be categorized into one group… Old people. Here I go again bashing old people but let’s face it, old people smell. My grandma has spent a significant amount of time in a nursing home in the past few years and the stench that comes out of that place is awful. It’s a mixture of a few things actually but the two things that dominate the air quality are baby powder and shit. That’s the main smell in a nursing home and really it makes sense once you think about it. Old people use baby powder like it’s gonna go out of style. Old people for one reason or another get rashes. They just appear out of nowhere. So they use baby powder to prevent and/or heal up a rash. So that makes sense, and so does why everything smells like literal shit. That’s because the old people in that place either…

1.      Fart constantly and uncontrollably.

OR

2.      Shit themselves.

It’s just a fact of life people. We all are going to end up in their shoes. But I will tell you one thing, I am going to do everything in my power not to ever shit myself again. It doesn’t matter if I am 95 years old, I will not shit myself. I stopped that when I was a toddler. And it’s not like the smell is confined to their rooms either. These people are, for some reason, just allowed to roam the halls and mutter nonsense to people. I guess they have to have some semblance of normality in their lives still, even if they smell like feces most of the day.

            I have come down to the last two smelly items that piss me off and I found it hard to choose which one to write about last. Both of these stenches are the ones that I decided to write about last because they are the two things that, in my opinion, are the worst smelling things on the planet. Now this is hard to imagine when looking at the things before these but trust me, these suck just as bad. Body odor is probably everyone’s number one worst smelling thing. I mean just the thought of it makes people cringe. There was an item invented to stop such a foul odor from emitting from someone’s body, how more offensive can you get? Could you imagine these towns and villages hundreds or even thousands of years ago? These people didn’t have deodorant. Hell, these people didn’t even take baths. I can’t even imagine the cloud of gross surrounding those places. I would literally want to die. But what gets me is the fact that I honestly think the people who have bad BO doesn’t seem like they realize it. I have known many people who have bad odors coming off of them and they don’t do anything about it. There was a girl I went to elementary school with who was very shy. I would like to think the reason she was so shy is because her parents refused to buy her ladies speed stick. The odors coming off of this girl were offensive. Offensive to the point where we actually made a song about the odors she was omitting. I am not sure how to spell her name, and that’s probably a good thing. But she did move away and it was just good clean fun. Now that pun was intended. But I really only remember the first two lines of the song, but we had a whole damn song. I wish I could remember it… it went “ Smelly Rinelly walking down the street, the kind of girl you don’t want to meet.” I know, cruel yet pure gold.

            Cigarettes are the worst smelling thing in my opinion. Like onions and cabbage and all of those other things that I talked about, the smoke attaches itself to not only what you are wearing, but your skin as well. In fact, I can pick out a smoker from ten feet away just on smell alone. It’s quite disgusting. I think I get this opinion because of my parents. Growing up, both of my parents were smokers. Luckily my pops quit when I was 16, but my mother still smokes. So Is till have to smell it from time to time. Luckily only one of my roommates throughout college was a smoker, and he always went outside to smoke. But being that I like to have an adult beverage or two, I like going to bars. Why oh why do bars allow people to smoke inside of them? You end up leaving the bar smelling like an ash pile. It’s putrid. I go home and scrub my skin with soap and I still smell like it for a day or two. How can people deal with the fact that they will smell like that constantly? It’s unreal. And by the way, ladies… One of the least attractive things you can do is smoke. Unless you are trying to pick up another smoker, forget about it. No one wants to taste that shit.

            Why do I have such a phobia about bad smells? Well in all honesty I think everyone hates bad smells. I just talk about them because I talk about everything. Because my parents surrounded me with bad smells all of my life, I think that adds to the reason of why I am such a neat freak. Being a neat freak will eliminate a lot of those odors from your life, so I usually can stay away from them. I just wish we lived in a society where I could say “hey man, you stink” and have them not get offended by it. I am purely saying “hey man, you should probably stop cooking those onions so much or put on some deodorant. Either or, or you’re not gonna have many friends.” What so offensive about that? I’m just trying to help a brother out. I would want someone to tell me if I smelled.

            That reminds me of a story that I will leave you with. One fateful morning during my senior year of  high school, I was walking around with a stench. My late dog Sparky, who I loved and miss dearly, apparently peed on my white t shirt and I had no idea. I remember me smelling some sort of odor coming from around me but I couldn’t figure it out. I figured it out around third period because a friend of mine told me about it. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life by far. Can you imagine how many people saw that gigantic yellow stain on the back of my shirt? I bet a shit ton of people. 

coming next... chapter 8: fads