Year In Review

2011 was a bit of a roller coaster ride for me. Going into this year, I vowed that it was a time of change, just like everyone on planet earth. I mean, who doesn't make a resolution like...

1) I am going to lose some weight.

2) I am going to eat better.

3) I am going to volunteer. 

4) I am not going to make a resolution this year. 

What was me resolution you ask? Well honestly, I usually tend to go for option number four up there, but this year was different. I had just come out of a very long relationship in which I was engaged at the time, I had a job but didn't like it, and my favorite loan sharks were sending me letters in the mail by the damn truckload. I honestly think there was a man down the street whose job was to come to my door every day and put a letter from Sallie Mae in it. They killed at least three trees for letters just to me by now. But like I said, this year was different for me. I remember exactly where I was and what I thought to myself as Strokey Clark struggled to count down from 10. All I wanted to do was better myself. Better myself not in one specific way, but better myself just some way, period. Not to sound too cocky, but I think I made that happen.

In an overview of sorts, I will give you the who, what, where, why, when, and hows that have happened to me this past year. Trust me people, I gave it a lot of thought. This is what I came up with.

 WHO

First of all, just to cover my own ass, I would like to say if I forget anyone I am very sorry. But I have met a shit ton of people this past year. And not to mention a lot of these people I talk to on a daily basis and love having in my life. If you know nothing about me thus far, know this... I am a genuinely loving person. I love my friends and family in my life and would literally do anything for them. With that said, these are the notable people in my life that I have met this year and in no particular order of course.

-First of all, and probably most importantly, I became an uncle this year. My brother Joel and sister in law Melissa had little baby Tilly. She is literally the cutest thing you could ever imagine. I love her to bits.

-It wan an absolute pleasure meeting all of the people who worked with one of my best friends, Brad Bishop. Especially Phil, Jeff, and Laura. Also through affiliation with Brad, I had the pleasure of meeting Becca who also runs a really girlie, yet wonderfully written blog called My Girlish Whims. Check it out at http://www.mygirlishwhims.blogspot.com/

- I would like to mention who I consider a very good friend of mine now, Gene. I knew you for a while Gene but never really spent time with you. But you are an amazing person, man.

-I met this person through a very good friend of mine, Scott. He started dating an amazing person by the name of Anna. I have literally never ever approved a girl that one of my friends has dated after the first time I met them. This was the first girl. Good choice Scotty boy.

-I would also like to mention something that is sort of the faux pas elephant in the room. Yes, I did in fact join a dating site in 2011. Honestly, everyone does it these days so I don't really get embarrassed by it anymore. But I have met a few really cool girls through the site who I talk to a hell of a lot. I am talking about you Leah and Marie. talking to you guys is literally one of the highlights of my days.

Trust me, there are like 100 more people I could mention in this but those people are the ones I really connected with this past year. Love you guys.

What

This is sort of a broad subject in which I think I have covered pretty well in previous blog posts. But in case you are new to the game here, I will reiterate. I will tell you exactly what I did this year... I went to two awful jobs a lot, went to the gym a lot, ate some food along the way, watched a lot of sports, hung out with some friends, applied for literally hundreds of jobs, and enjoyed every second of it along the way. You know, besides the fact creditors are literally breathing down my neck, life is pretty enjoyable at the moment. I mean, I did some other stuff as well. I started this blog for one. This is something I take great pride in and hope everyone enjoys. I finished writing my first book, It's My Life and I'm Pissed, which is currently in the process of being edited by a good friend of mine, Chris. I started writing for another website called gamesomnia.org as well. Actually, now that I have thought about it and written it down, I started doing something this year that I really had never done before... writing. And damn it, I think I'm pretty good at it.

Like I said, I worked two awful jobs this year. This switchboard job I am always at and a part time job delivering pizza at Papa John's. A job is a job, so they say... but not when people don't tip you for doing your job. I joined a gym and lost 35 pounds thus far. This is probably one of the bigger accomplishments of my current year. It took hard freaking work and I am not done quite yet. Other than those things, everything else is pretty self explanatory.

Where

I didn't get to go to that many places this year, but the places I went to were quality. Probably the highlight trip of the year was my day trip to Detroit to see a Tigers game against the Indians. The park was gorgeous and I have never seen more expensive pizza in such a broken down piece of trash city in my life. Little Ceasars pizza was literally $20 for a large. No wonder no one lives there. You can literally see skyscrapers from the stadium that are abandoned with every window boarded up. Its hilariously depressing. Honestly, every building looks like this.

I also went to a couple museums in Pittsburgh. Namely the Warhol Museum and the Carnegie Natural History and Art museum. I love museums more than a lot of things in life honestly and would love to go and visit more.

I went to quite a few concerts this year as well. I went and saw Bon Jovi, Fitz and the Tantrums, Third Eye Blind, Sara Bareilles, and Tim and Eric. All of these were spectacular by the way.

Other than those things, I guess I could mention some unreal restaurants I went to. Honestly, it is rare to go to an eatery and make an impression with me. Obviously I like food. there is no denying that one. But for a place to make a memorable experience for me. First, I went to a place called Big Jim's in Pittsburgh. It is this little hole in the wall that has unreal wedding soup and a veal parm sandwich that not only is probably one of the best tasting things I have ever had, but literally as big as my head.

I had the best, and biggest fish sandwich I have ever eaten at a place called Roland's in the Strip District in Pittsburgh. I also recommend the lobster roll which I also tried. Also, and this was a big deal to me, I had the absolute best burger I have ever had in my entire life. It was a $16 bacon cheeseburger made from wagyu kobe beef from a place called Burgatory. This place is also located near Pittsburgh.

Now I know none of this really matters, but reminiscing makes me feel good.

Why

Not exactly sure what to put here. Am I supposed to answer why I lived my life in 2011? Because I'm awesome obviously. That's why.

When and How

Once again I am stumped to what exactly I should put here. I slowly came to realize that the last three categories of this blog post are completely irrelevant.

But honestly, I would like to thank everyone and everything that helped me through this wonderful 2011. And to tell you the truth, I really don't have a resolution this year. Well actually.. maybe I should.

"In the new year, I will continue to be pretty awesome. I will continue to go to the gym and lose weight while still scarfing down a crap ton of red meat. I will also try and be nicer to old people... maybe... I also WILL find a full time and well paid job or my life as we know it is over. Thank you and God bless."

Happy New Year everyone! Thanks for reading and I love you all!

The Mysteries of Life #1

It just popped into my head that there are many things in life that are a mystery to me. Now, they may be easily explained with a little research on the interweb. But shit who has time for that? So I came up with a series of blog posts called "The Mysteries of Life". Every once in a while I will post a subject that absolutely baffles me and will discuss it. You get the idea. With that said...

Pecan Pie



I do not understand pecan pie. No I get the concept of it, being all delicious and what not, but I don't understand what that brown goo is that holds everything together. It literally has the consistency of something a little more watery than jell-o yet is solid enough to be cut into slices and not melt into some gelatinous form. I think this answers my question.

It's quite obvious actually. Whoever makes these pies is a magician. I mean, it explains a lot being that I have never ever met anyone who actually makes a pecan pie. I always have to get it somewhere else. And I, in fact, do not know any magicians personally. This is all making sense now.

You know what that brown mystery goo reminds me of? The pink slime in Ghostbusters 2, except brown of course. In fact, I hear if you play some Jackie Wilson for a pecan pie, it apparently dances.

By the way... Merry Christmas everyone!

My Night Before Christmas

Before anyone gets offended by this, you have to understand one thing. We have this awesome light up Santa in our front yard that my Grandma, God rest her soul, won us at a game in Kennywood. Yes, one of our Christmas decorations in our front yard was won at a game of chance at the roller coaster capital of the world. Little shout out to my boy Rick Sebak there. But any who, the people who made this light up figuring were absolute idiots because they painted Santa's face with a flesh tone. Why is this bad you ask? Because it looks like this when it gets dark...

In honor of bi-racial Santa, I re-wrote a new version of Twas the Night Before Christmas that mimics my life. I hope you enjoy my version.

Twas the night before Christmas, and Greg Jackson was at Westmoreland Hospital taking calls from idiotic people.
Not a creature was stirring, except for the old ass people who don’t know how to make outside calls.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with lackluster effort,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would give him that Kindle Fire he wanted.

Later that night, Buddy (my dog) was nestled all snug in my bed,
While visions of Captain Crunch danced in my head.
And mama on her heating pad, and I in my jam jam’s,
Had just settled our brains by taking a melatonin pill from GNC.

When out on the lawn there arose such a bright light,
I sprang from my broken down love seat to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I slowly stumbled,
Tore open the blind and threw up my middle finger

The moon on the breast while it rained for the 19^th straight day

Gave the luster of mid-day to the flooding below.
When, what to my half caring eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and a bi-racial Santa.

With a little old driver, who was white by day and black by night,
I knew in that moment it must be him.
More rapid than the deer run during hunting season they came,
As he whistled, and shouted, and gang signed them by name!

"Yo Dasher! Yo, Dancer! Yo, Prancer and Vixen!
Move that ass, Comet! Shake it fast, Cupid and Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the back porch! To the top of their new gutter!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away y'all!"

As the dry leaves that I was too lazy to rake fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top on the blue shingles they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, St Nicholas, and hopefully a Kindle Fire too.

And then, in an instant, I heard on our roof
The annoying ass noise of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and while Buddy was going insane,
Down the chimney bi-racial Santa came with a thump.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his Nike’s,
And his clothes were all messed up with ashes and soot.
A bundle of gadgets and such he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a bum who stayed at the dirty hotel downtown.

His eyes-how they looked unnatural! His dimples how odd!
His cheeks and his nose were, let’s say, chocolaty!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a… who gives a damn,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow that never comes.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
for Santa apparently has a nicotine addiction.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, as he thought about going on a diet!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old dude,
And I laughed when I saw him eating the sugar free cookies we made!
Sucker I said with a twist of my head,
I then soon realized I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Putting a toothbrush in my stocking, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
I then realized that Santa had more than a nicotine addiction.

He jumped to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a man with a plan.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Here is your Kindle Fire, you son of a bitch!"

The FINAL Shithead of the Week..........

This is a somber day for me. Not going to lie, after having one of the best seasons of fantasy football I have ever had, my team finally let me down. Not only was I the number two seed in the playoffs, I was facing a team whose number one running back was Reggie Bush... Reggie fucking Bush. He also had Mikey Vick and the Eagles defense, so on paper this was a lock victory. Well... I was DEAD WRONG. I lost the game, and my season...not really since I am still playing a consolation game for third place, but that means nothing to me... to a guy with a receiver from the Denver Broncos. Literally all of these things are insulting to me. I lost the game, and my season, 120-100. Everyone on my team, besides ol' reliables Drew Brees and LeSean McCoy, were complete asshats. Michael Turner actually had an alright game with 12 points, but other than him not one person scored more than five points. That, my friends, is the formula for failure. So, as my final instalment of Shithead of the week, I am going to do something a little different this week.

Your week 15 Shithead(s) of the week are... Everyone ever!

Your week 15 hall of champions... Jordy Nelson (2 points), Victor Cruz (4 points), Antonio Brown (5 points), Tony Gonzalez (1 point), Jason Hanson (4 points), and the Steelers Defense (2 points). Wow boys, thanks for the help. Every other damn week you all score 10 or more points but when I need you, natta, nothin, zilch. I stated Reggie Bush's name very angrily earlier and there was meaning behind it. It isn't because he got to have sex with Kim Kardashian. I mean, who hasn't besides me. But because the man had only three, count them three, 100 yard rushing performances in his life,  yet knocks out a 200 yard performance on the game I play him. I swear to GOD it's like these players know something special is going to happen when they are playing me. It is outrageous. Not only that, Mikey boy had the game of his life and the Eagles defense scored an out of this world 20 points. I have literally never seen a defense score 20 points in fantasy football. But like I always say, such is fucking life.
So I leave you, my fantasy football minions, with this little word of advise for next season... Don't play. If you know anything at all about the game of football and it's players, that is the best advice I can give you. It is literally one of the most frustrating things you will ever do. Now with that said, I will totally play next year, and the year after that, and the year after that. One of these times I will win. One day...

Last night...

Last night was epic to say the least. Not only did I hang out with some awesome freaking people, I did something that I have never done before in my life. Let me start off by saying congratulations on a long and dubious career to Dave Hixon who will most likely have a happy retirement playing music constantly. Dave Hixon is Luke's, one of my best friends, father by the way. You see, we were at Mr. Hixon's retirement party at the California gun club. We roll up to the place thinking it is going to be a nice family get together with not many people. You know, nice and quaint. Well my friends, we were DEAD WRONG. Literally hundreds upon hundreds of people were packed into this, how do I say it nicely, typical southwestern Pennsylvania establishment ready for a kick ass party. Let me tell you, that is exactly what it was too. You know the typical kind of party where there is a gun hung with dental floss over the bar, there is a 50/50 raffle, and where you could win a holiday ham for virtually doing nothing at all. Now that is my kind of party.

I don't know if there were that many people there solely because of Mr.Hixon's retirement party or because the legendary classic rock cover band the Jades were playing. I would like to think it was because of reason numero uno, but I am not that gullible. You have to understand, these guys are legendary. They have played gigs in places like the Friendship Lounge and a bar in Rostraver. And not to sell them short, they are actually pretty damn good. Luckily for me, I had my good ol' pal and dancing fiend Scott with me to go up there and dance like complete fools. I actually won a blue ribbon ham for best dancer, or so we joked about. Nothing says good times like friends, cheap beer, a good band, and delicious food.

Mama Hixon made these meatball subs that were honestly to die for. Have you ever had a meal that was unforgettable? This sub was one of those meals. But I will tell you what, I know this is kind of gross but I don't know if it was all of the beer I drank or the meatball subs, but something didn't agree with me. Today, I smell like a dead horse shit itself in a landfill, was covered up with mothballs, and then was taken to a retirement village where it was left for not.... if you know what I'm saying. But that is beside the point.

I am not gonna lie, I drank quite a bit. Yuengling bottles were only $1.25, which is the deal of a lifetime. So I probably had about 8-10... not exactly sure. At one point, it was about 1am and there was still an hour left in the party. I was a bit drunk, but not so much that I was incoherent of my surroundings. In fact I noticed the woman beating the tambourine who was in Luke's kitchen randomly one morning. I walked down the steps in my underwear, not thinking anyone was up at the time. There wasn't... except for this strange woman just strutting around the kitchen. I ran back upstairs and told Luke there was a stranger in his house. You would think with this behavior I was maybe nine years old where in fact it literally happened a year ago today.  I recognized the man that looked exactly like Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers. I even went up to him and did the stupid belt thing that idiot does.

The man obviously looked at me like I was insane. To each his own though, the guy was like 7 feet tall. I also noticed the bitchy bartenders, one of which was trying way to hard to be sexy for her age (at least 45) and the other one who was just a plain douche with two chins.

Like I said before, I was drunk at this point, but not really really drunk. So I go up for another beer. I get up, walk over to the bar, this guy shoots his bar stool back and hits me, I drop my wallet I had in my hands, and because of this, the two bitchy bartenders cut me off. I dropped my wallet and because of this they cut me off! You should have seen my face. Later in the night we referred to it as the "Van Pelt". Not the former Giant Brad Van Pelt of ESPN announcer Scott Van Pelt, but the dude from the classic family film, Jumanji. This is what I honestly looked like... you know, minus the safari hat and outlandish facial hair.  

This is the first time I have ever gotten cut off in my life. And I would understand if I were not coherent, I get that. But because you were bitchy and saw me drop my wallet, I am not allowed to have a good time? I drop my wallet on a regular basis when I don't have an ounce of liquor in me. People must think I'm wasted when I am walking up steps because I trip all the freaking time. Whatever though, I was still with people I love on a special occasion. I'll give my blue ribbon ham to those bitchy bitches at the bar so they can get that unprecedented third chin they have been trying so hard for.

Time Magazine "Person" of the Year

Time magazine has announced their annual "Person of the Year" award today. If you were wondering, they named the "person" of the year as "the protester". Yes, more than one person, not one person in particular, as their singular "Person of the Year".  I have thought this before and I will think it again... Time magazine needs to start naming an actual person their "Person of the Year". I know I know, they have done that the past four years. But that still doesn't account for the fact that they name the person of the year something that is not a singular person, or not even a damn person, on a regular basis. If you look back on the history of their "Person of the Year" issue, an actual person has not been named 13 times out of the 84 issues. That is, for all of you math whizzes out there (math whizzes have surprisingly not been a person of the year before by the way), a whopping 15% of the issues. To me that is a bit outrageous. Even looking at some of them blows my mind, most of which the issues I'm 1982 and 1988. Those were the computer and the endangered earth... You serious? What, are you trying to be deep or something Time magazine? Whatever you are trying to do, it just gets me riled up. But what doesn't really.

For your viewing pleasures, I took the liberty of making the next few "Person of the Year" covers for them.

2012

Dan Fogler

That, my friends, is Dan Fogler. In my opinion one of the funniest people in Hollywood today and, just like Jack Black, pretty much is everything I want to be. If you haven't checked out the show Man Up, you probably should. He is hilarious in it. He will bring joy and laughter to the world while also ending world hunger.

2013

Captain Crunch

Why? Because he makes the best damn cereal ever. That's why. Is there any other reason needed? I didn't think so. 

2014

The Laser Glamour Shot

I think they will make a come back. Hilarious. Not the dude, even though he was obviously a hipster way before anyone else.

2015

Greg Jackson

I will be deserving of it by this time... hopefully. After those four years, who knows how wacky they will wonder off the beaten path. Maybe they will just end with mine. I think it would be a fitting end honestly.

Fantasy Football Shithead of the Week... Week 14

Instead of the usual junk, I will just say it in a powerful one word sentence. Win. I don't know if there is another word I love more than that. I hate losing at ANYTHING, even something as little fantasy football. This week was the last of the regular season where my team beat Formally Fun 121-79. Another mauling and just another days work bringing my final record to 10-3-1. Next week starts the first round of the playoffs and this is where it gets interesting. Instead of feasting on all of these bad teams every week, I actually have to play the other good teams. Makes me a it nervous. I ended up being the number two seed in the tournament, losing out to space Monkey Mafia, a team I beat a few weeks earlier. I have all the confidence in the world my team will do well in the playoffs.
With that said, this week wasn't even a challenge. Drew Brees, LeSean McCoy, and Antonio Brown all had great games once again and continue to roll with the points. But like any other week, that doesn't mean there wasn't a player on my team who disappointed. With that said...

Introducing your week 14 Shithead of the Week... for an impressive third week in a row, Michael Turner!



I didn't think it was possible, but there was actually a person on my team who won three Shithead awards during my 14 week stint. It is from an unlikely source as well. three weeks ago the Atlanta Falcons had an identity... THEY RAN THE FOOTBALL. Mike Mularkey, the offensive coordinator of the Falcons, all of a sudden thinks that the way to win is to throw the ball 40 times a game. This is why they have lost two of their last five games and are barely in position for a playoff birth. It is either the fact that Mularkey, a former Steeler offensive coordinator, is an idiot or Turner's legs have stopped working. Maybe it is a mixture of both. I put my money on that option. I am going to ask him a question.

Hey Mike, what would you do when facing the Browns defense, probably the worst rushing defense to ever grace the NFL?

Ummm... wrong... dead wrong Mike. Thanks for dressing up though. This wasn't a job interview or anything you doofus.

As for the other Mike, I have not given up hope on you yet my friend. The running game is a lost art and you are one of the best running backs in the league. Plus, I literally don't have a better back up so I have no other choice to believe in you. But like I said, I will go with the first option. But I don't know if its his legs or his pride that hurts.