Florida

 Let me get this out in the open first and foremost... I don't give two shits about politics. I do not vote and to be honest I really don't care who the President is. But with that in mind, I still see the news, I still see who is winning the election, and I know what is going on. I have a pulse. And trust me, this blog post is not going to be anything about politics because I am not obligated to share my opinion. Why do I not vote? For a couple of reasons actually. Not only do I think, like probably every other person who does not vote, that my vote does not matter for anything, but it would honestly just be an uninformed push of a button. I know nothing about politics. It confuses me, it pisses me off, and I do not have time in my life for it. With that in mind, I would like to know one thing…

I have been alive for seven Presidential elections. Four or five of those I can actually remember being that in 1988 I was two years old and 1992 I was six. I don't remember ANYTHING at all besides who won most of them. That has obviously changed during that last couple but you get the point. But the single most annoying thing I can remember from the elections is this…

 

That is right everyone, Florida... AKA America's Penis. I swear they are always the only freaking state to cause any problems. Everyone remembers the whole "hanging chad" incident for God sake. But not only that, why are they the only state who can't tally their votes on time? I could MAYBE understand it 4-8 years ago being that nothing was digital, but now? I don't think so. It should literally take a matter of minutes to tally votes. But here we are, nearly 12 hours later, and Florida is still not confirmed. I understand, the President has already won, but honestly it is a joke.

I would love to see what they are doing down there. In my imagination it is a bunch of old people walking around trying to figure out how to do things looking like this...





or this...

or this...

or...

or maybe even...

Like seriously, what are they doing? What the hell is so hard to tally up a few freaking votes and send the information in? My God, California literally doubles you in population. They had their results in within an hour. AN HOUR! And that is technically four hours after you, Florida.

It is now 10am, and you have yet to determine a winner according to MSN.com. Get your shit together you old, stupid, and grossly humid state. The only good thing about you is Disney World. 

Congratulations to Obama though. At least he beat out that cocky looking ass clown Mitt. Who the hell calls their child Mitt anyway?

A day that will live in...

26 years ago today, a miracle happened. Something that would change the world forever. This...

Once upon a time...

Being that most of my clients at work are from the New Jersey/ New York area, I was kind of bored at work this past week. Trying to figure out what to do with my time, I suggested to one of my co-workers that we write a story. The rules were we write two sentences and pass it on. I hope you enjoy what we came up with. By the way, a lot of the things mentioned in our story have to do with our job. So if you do not understand, such as the character Ecru is a color of paper, just look it up or ask. Enjoy!


    

Once upon a time there was a man named Carlsbad. Carlsbad, though highly touted with many honors and riches, was not your normal teenage boy. Being the eldest of his many brothers, he was bound by duty to carry on the family name by being wed to a lady of another fine house and producing offspring. But in reality, Carlsbad really just wanted to dance. You see, dance is the national sport in the land of Envelopia, and Carlsbad had mad skills. His moves were known for miles around as he brought champions to their knees with his patented move, the Charleston. Carlsbad dreamed of a carefree life full of dance and music, but the reality of his situation was starting to sink in. His 21^st birthday was drawing near and therefore the date of his arranged marriage to Lady Penelope of House Baronial.

Lady Penelope had long platinum blond hair and stunningly distinct features. Her hair, almost a warm white, and her gorgeous features would have made any man swoon after her… But Carlsbad was her one and only.

Because they were betrothed at a very young age, Penelope and Carlsbad had met on many occasions at formal functions through the years. She was madly in love with him but harbored a deep secret that kept her lying awake at night with worry and dread that Carlsbad could never love her because, alas, she could not dance. This deep, dwindling, and treacherous secret has harbored many long nights for Penelope being that she was kept awake into the wee hours of the morning. She could not take the pain of what she thought would be the forthcoming disappointment of her newfound friend, lover, and soon to be husband.. Penelope had heard rumors about a witch that lived in the enchanted forest of Cordenons that would mix potions and cast spells for a price. She set about trying to find out if these rumors were true as she planned to ask the witch to cast a spell on her that would allow her to dance beautifully and therefore forever win the love of Carlsbad.

The journey was one of deep mystery and enchantment, and to be honest one that Penelope did not want to travel alone. “Whom shall I request to accompany me on this journey of passion and fulfillment” Penelope asked with a gleam in her eye. With little hesitation she decided to ask her most trusted companion and Lady in Waiting, Neenah of House Ecru. Although Ecru was a lesser House than Baronial and Neenah was technically a servant, they had grown to be the closest of friends over the years. Ecru, a mute in personality but not in heart, mundanely obliged with a swift shrug of the shoulders, and her and Penelope were now off on the journey of a lifetime. “What if we get there and the witch is out of potion, Ecru? What shall we do then” Penelope said.  Ecru, unable to speak but fluent in sign language (a handy thing to know in the least), rapidly signed that if the witch was out of potion that there was an Arthur Murray dance studio that recently opened up in town. Penelope did not find the statement humorous, huffed and expressed disdain at Ecru’s attempted joke. After misunderstanding Ecru’s impression of a bird as sign language for “I need to get my prostate examined”, Penelope was oddly disgusted and confused, while Ecru was offended by the fact that her spot on impression of a swallow was not embraced by her friend. But alas, the trip was much shorter than they thought, as they come across a bargain basement witches hut called “Gamma Green’s- You Get What You Pay For- Confectionary”. They eagerly entered the establishment with the highest of hopes but to their dismay, discovered that Gamma Green’s only accepted Diners Club credit cards and first born children of newly married couples. Ecru urged Lady Penelope to leave as quickly as possible but before they could get to the door they were approached by a salesman by the name of Speckletone, who was known for his ability to talk anyone into a sale.

Speckletone, notorious for his smooth talking, wooed the girls into submission complementing them on their dimples and hourglass figures. “Shall I interest you lovely ladies in some tonics for your sharp minds, beautifully shaped figures, or sultry souls” Speckle poked.

Ecru was especially taken with Speckeltone and was about to agree to purchase a potion that would make her eyebrows blue when Penelope suddenly remembered the purpose of their visit. “STOP!” she screamed “We came for a dance potion and a dance potion only, now what is the price?”

“The price is what you seek yet you are so demanding… you must cool your jets before we talk numbers” Speckletone stated. And in an instant, before either Penelope or Ecru could get a word in, Speckletone was sprinting away as fast as any man had ever ran (he used a fast potion) saying “you, my dear, have an attitude problem. Maybe I will see you again some day.”

They left the shop with heavy hearts and little hope for Penelope’s future. Suddenly, from around the corner, stepped a shady looking fellow in a blue trench coat who asked “Wanna buy a Rolex?” Not really knowing what a Rolex was, the ladies were taken aback by the miscreant in the dirty trench coat. “What are you looking to buy, a Rolex?” asked the miscreant, whose voice sounded very familiar to Penelope. Being distraught and desperate she explained her plight to the man in the trench coat. He raised an eyebrow as he listened and grinned a sly grin before responding. Penelope’s heart sank because her secret was now out! As she stared into the face of her future husband she noticed that his left eye was green and his right eye was blue which indicated that this was not Carlsbad but was Marlsbad, his younger twin brother!

Marlsbad, though looking maniacal in his blue cloak, he is nothing but a gigantic softy. “Hey girls, I was just worried about you since you weren’t around for a couple of hours. My brother sent me, being that he is dancing his balls off for the king. Honestly, I just wanted to make surealright and to say hey” exclaimed Marlsbad. What he forgot to inform them was that even though he was taking online courses on potions, he wasn’t very good at it since not one person was actually there to supervise his potions. Penelope and Ecru should have known better when they witnessed him make some sort of concoction at Ye Olde Taco Belle including Pepsi, Sierra Mist, and Bahama Blast. But they ignored their inner warnings and let him delicately sprinkle his concoction onto Penelope’s feet. Her feet immediately started to move to the rhythm of the song that was playing at the time (One Republic’s Good Life). How in God’s name any person could ever dance to the awful offbeat rhythms of that song is beyond this storytellers grasp, but yet she did. She danced, and danced, and danced until eventually she slipped on some taco meat that was negligently left on the floor.

Later, as the doctor explained that her leg had been so severely broken that she would never walk again without assistance, she wept at the fact that her dream was achieved and smashed all in the same day. Carlsbad then rushed through the door, having heard of her misfortune.” My dearest darling Penelope, I heard what happened from your messenger pigeon and I came waltzing down the street as fast as I possibly could” Carlsbad pleaded. The look in Penelopes eyes was one of worry yet sadness for what had happened… She couldn’t help but worry about breaking the news to the one she loved. She recounted the entire ordeal to Carlsbad, who was amazed at the lengths that Penelope gone to just to make him happy. He exclaimed “I love thee Lady Penelope, whether you can dance or not, I love the with all of my heart!” Ecru, witnessing the whole ordeal, and of course being the way she is, could not express what she was feeling for the two of them. “Will you still love me as a paraplegic who can’t dance? For that is what I shall be till the end of days.” Penelope asked. Carlsbad exclaimed “Yes, I shall love you until the end of our days.” At the same time Marlsbad expressed his secret love for Ecru, who using sign language, told Marlsbad that she loved him as well.… or at least we think that is what she said. And thus, a few short months later, the two wed in the most beautiful and illustrious wedding one has ever witnessed. Words can not describe the monstrous size of everything about the wedding, for bigger is, in fact, better.

And they lived happily ever after. Until a giant meteorite annihilated the entire kingdom.

Just kidding everything was swell.

Really?

They are making three new Star Wars movies. Is this real life?



His shirt and face say everything that needs to be said. That is all.

Being sick

Well folks, it has finally happened. I am now a Mac man. Not by choice, really, but out of necessity. I will now pause for a few moments so you all can get your smart ass hipster comments out of the way Go ahead… You good now? Good. Anyways, this is the first blog post I will be writing from a Mac and I just wanted to take it for a little test run. Why have I converted to Mac you ask? For one simple reason actually, you get what you pay for. Since college, I have been though three PC laptops, all of which were over $500. And though I loved my first and third laptops, a lifespan of 2.3 years per computer is a downright travesty. Thus, here I am $1200 in the can but with a computer that will last me 10-15 years. That, my friends, is the opposite of a travesty. Let’s just take a look at the numbers. If I were to go on the same pace I was on, I spent, if my memory serves me correctly, about $1800 total on all three of my computers in those seven years. And lets just say my Mac will last me 14 years like the good people who sold me said it would. That would mean in the in those 14 years I would have spent a total of $3600 where I should have just bit the bullet and got a Mac in the first place. I will be saving money in the long run folks. And isn’t that what life is all about?

But now to the real issue of the day… Hey, if you haven’t heard, I God damn hate my job. For many reasons I have already discussed and for many reasons yet divulged, one more can be stacked onto the ever growing pile of unimaginable proportions. This time is much different than the others though, hence why I am writing about it. We had a meeting with all of the people whom work in my department the other day. We have these meetings from time to time for bullshit reasons such as being a moral booster or maybe just talking about current issues and current changes in procedure. This particular meeting was of the later. There was a change being made by HR in the way you have to call off because of illness. Instead of just calling off because you are sick, you now have to let them know 48 hours in advance of you becoming ill…. Let me say that again because I don’t think you quite understand how outlandish this is. YOU MUST SCHEDULE SICK TIME 48 F’ING HOURS BEFORE BECOMING ILL! HUH?!?

Honestly, I would just like someone to explain to me who thought that was a good idea. How did this procedure even come into play? And really, what is this even accomplishing? It may deter people from calling off a little less, but I doubt it. People are still going to call off and you know it. But I understand how this is going to work. I don’t ever get sick for Christ sake. Ever. So what does this matter to me? In fact, I think I am going to come down with dysentery in late January of 2013.

 I don’t know, lets say February 23^rd. What the hell, that seems accurate to me. Oh, I would also like to schedule December 20^th off because I am planning on getting a third degree burn. And before I forget, I think I am going to come down with a bad case of the sniffles on January 3^rd. So I am going to call off those days due to those reasons. Thank you for not making any sense HR department.

The only thing I could possibly compare this to is the time, and I wrote about this in my book, that I worked at Crapplebees. This is the only time I was so flabbergasted by a rule and what they did to me that I actually laughed in front of management. I was standing there taking an order from a table and all of a sudden I sneezed. Yes, I did what any normal person would do in the situation… cover their nose with their hand. It did not even cross my mind that this was against company policy and I literally got written up for covering my mouth. Their reasoning? I should have covered with my arm/ elbow. Yes, because people can make literal split second decisions of what part of their body is going to cover their snot from flying on a customer. Outrageous. This is EXACTLY why I hate working for a company. None of their policies make any God damn sense.

You know what job, I think I am going to have to call off this coming Monday, the fifth of November. Not only is it my birthday, but I will have a gigantic case of the Monday’s. While you are at it, let me take off Tuesday too. I think while resting from my case of the Monday’s, I will contract a terrible case of I don’t give a damns.

You see that? That's me not giving a damn. 

Groupon

I go on Groupon literally everyday. I usually come out thinking, man that would be a good deal if I needed a good massage or something. But, I usually don't. This is what I saw on todays Groupon page...

Pennsylvania TEEN driving? Hog swallow. With that girl at the helm, it's more like Pennsylvania TWENTEEN driving. I know these days, and I have had this conversation with many male friends of mine, you can't tell the difference between a 16 year old and a 22 year old... but if that girl is a teen I will eat my ass.

Bitch

I know you, my adoring fans and confidants, have not heard from me in quite a while. For that I apologize. But my life has been nothing but busy the past two months or so. Just to give you all an update, if you really care, I now am dating a wonderful girl, I FINALLY hit my first weight goal going below 200 pounds, and I am still working the same incredibly mundane job I did two months ago. But I digress. Let’s get into the completely random issues that have been on my mind lately…

I was always one to think that insanity is something you were born with, not something you formed over time. But I will tell you, from experience, I am becoming a little angrier, a little more aggressive, and even a bit loopier everyday.

For example… Let’s take into consideration that I have been on this earth for almost 26 years and it is still a mystery why eggs give me a massive amount of discomfort after I eat them… if you know what I mean. Yet I still eat them consistently knowing I am going to be a miserable fool for the next eight hours or so. Now I know what you are thinking. Why is he telling me this right now? Well, if we can’t laugh about the inequities of life, what can we laugh at? I mean honestly, I will tell you the two things that give me the most discomfort after ingesting them…

1) The before mentioned eggs

2) Delicious delicious chocolate milk

Here is a simple equation for you. 

Why in God’s name do two of the most delicious things on planet earth have to make me feel like Jupiter? It is a mystery ladies and germs. But this makes me a little upset.

I would also like to think that the powers that be have a little sense of humor over our daily activities. Just the little things that happen to me way too often that really shouldn't.  You know, things that would make a gambler pull their hair out. What kind of things am I talking about? How about something that honestly is a daily struggle for me, my keys. Every single time I leave my house I have a ton of shit in my hands and my keys are in my pocket. My keys being in my pocket is not the problem here. Transferring everything over to one side of my body and then reaching in the wrong pocket for my keys, every single time, is. It is literally one of the most frustrating things in the world. You may think I am exaggerating but seriously I’m not. I literally choose the wrong pocket every single time. I could not even tell you the last time I chose correctly. It happened again this morning, it will happen tomorrow, and the next day as well, it’s just something that happens. It’s a 50-50 shot, and I always get the losing end of it the stick. And people wonder why I never go gamble. I can’t even choose the right pocket in which my keys are in. And God, don’t even mention when it gets cold out. Then I have four pockets to choose from. Virtually impossible. And I thought getting a good job was hard.

Speaking of jobs… Like I said, I am still working the same job as I was about two months ago despite having been searching high and low for any full time job that will pay me more than what I currently make. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again; I would shovel elephant shit all day long for $20/hr at this point. I went into college thinking I wanted to do something I enjoyed, hell even love. But that is not the reality these days. You have to look at it fiscally, not physically. You can learn to love a job. And I don’t care what anyone says, money buys happiness. And to be honest, I wouldn’t HATE my current job if I got paid more. We do waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much for the amount we make and I literally couldn’t care less about the business I am in. I honestly think it will be an irrelevant business in 10-15 years from now, and you would probably agree with me if you knew what I did for a living. But what really grinds my gears about that damn job is the fact that I swear they do everything ass backwards. Say, for example, you worked at a burger joint and you were on grill. Instead of flipping patties with a spatula, they made you flip burgers with a pair of damn chop sticks. Or maybe if you worked in IT at some company and instead of updating their operating systems, they made you downgrade everything to a Tandy computer. Neither of those things would make sense. And neither does anything I have to do. Not only that, there is some sort of major overhaul in the way we do things literally every other day. And they expect you to remember EVERYTHING without fail… or else. Please, someone open up a circus near me so I can shovel shit all day long. It is my dream job at this point. 

On another driving note, this drives me a little batty too. Pun totally intended by the way… But I would honestly say eight out of ten times I go around a sharp bend there is another car on the other side of the road with me. This wouldn't be such a big deal for normal drivers… you know, who drive safely and probably go the speed limit. But I am neither of those drivers. I got shit to do, I got places to be, people know me. You think I can drive the speed limit? Na. That’s not my style, baby. I like to speed, what can I say? But it always seems like there is some Sunday funday old ass driver on the other si… well sort of other side of the road and I have to dodge them to get out of the way. Picture me on the back roads of Pennsylvania, roads built in such curved shapes that not one person could even imagine why anyone would ever do it that way, and going about 20 mph over the speed limit around this corner. Its suicidal at best. If anyone has ever driven through Vanderbilt, they would understand exactly what I mean. I couldn't even make these numbers up. Ask anyone who has driven with me because I mention it. Literally, eight out of ten. It never fails.

Something else that never fails to piss me off, have you heard about this presidential election lately? Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than talking politics. Not because of the state of the country or whatever, but because I know absolutely diddly squat about politics. Don’t get me wrong, I watched the debates and I have been paying attention. But no matter how much I watch it is like nothing sinks in. Why is this? Because I could give two shits, that’s why. No matter what happens and no matter who wins this election the same shit is going to happen. No one will like them and they will spend more money that the country doesn't have. It just keeps happening. The only people who care are these mindless drones who follow their “party” like mindless drones and they honestly think that their representative is better than the other. If I voted, and I cant stress enough that I don’t, you know what I would base my vote on? Pure gut feeling. Like I said, I watched the debates and I saw both Romney and Obama duke it out over issues that plague the nation at this present time and you know what I saw? Obama is the same calm, cool, and collected dude that I saw and heard for the first time almost four years ago. Four years ago I cared even less about politics when a group of black students got in my face and yelled “THIS IS OUR PRESIDENT, NOT YOURS!” They were like a clique of toddlers not willing to share their apple sauce or something. I was like, ok I guess? But time heals so I am about at the level of caring as I did before that incident. Like I said, Obama is calm and collected and I actually listen when he speaks. He seems like a reputable person. You can tell when people are dicks, and he doesn't seem like one. On the other hand, Romney just seems like an arrogant ass clown. Like legit, he always has that smug damn look on his face that I just want to punch.

 Not only that, he pulls numbers out of his ass and spouts them off and expects everyone to believe what he is saying. Seriously, I kept asking myself, how in God’s name does he come up with these numbers. They were just stupid ass numbers like “when I was governor, 67% of children increased their math scores because of me” or “when you were President, 47.8% of people went to 7-11 and got a slurpee.” Where the hell does he get that shit? I just see him as an arrogant prick, to be honest. And to be frank, I just want this crap to be over so I don’t have to hear it anymore. I hate politics.

After reading this over, I realized none of this has anything to do with each other besides it being one giant rant. All of those things actually drive me a little mental, I am not going to beat around the bush. But I guess that is life. Obladi oblada, eh? Hakuna Matata, eh? Or insert any other movie phrase referring to life goes on and you shouldn’t give a damn. Maybe that is what I needed to do at this point, just get shit off my chest… or should I say elephant shit.