Work Place Etiquette

Today at my place of employment I spent a half of damn hour sitting with my boss listening to some of the most fucking outlandish crap I have ever heard about my "work performance". You can only imagine where it goes from here. I mean what could I possibly be getting yelled at for? I am under performing, I need to do more work, or maybe even I need to try harder or some stereotypical shit like that. But no. Not on this fateful day. I will go through each and every little thing I got yelled at for today. And lets be clear here. I am being 100% serious. 

1) So I step into the office and the first thing they ask me is... "Are you looking for another job?" Well shit. How am I supposed to answer that? Of course I am. Everyone should always look for a better situation than they are already in. But I am not going to tell my BOSS that. Actually maybe I should so they can fire me. Truth is, I hate my job. I literally work with 50 women, all of which are complete bitches who love to talk behind each other backs about the most trivial of fucking things. Literally, someone was talking about how they think so and so's desk was crooked and how that made them a bad person. I have actually heard that conversation before. Its mind boggling how someone can give a shit about something as outlandishly retarded as that. But it happens daily. So yes, I am looking for another job, but it's not any of your fucking business. 

2) The next thing they bring up and probably the one I can understand the most... kinda... There have been several people who have witnessed me on the internet. I admit, I have went on it during work time. I can see the firing squad now. I mean honestly who cares. Do I do my work on time? I never miss a date on any of my work and it is all good work. But I get it, it is company policy not to be on the internet unless you are on your break. Gotcha. Won't happen again. Obladi Oblada. Life goes on. 

3) NOW come the goodies. Thirdly, I get rempremanded for something that hasn't been yelled at for since the Holocaust. I was told I sit in my chair unprofessionally. I admit, I lean a little bit when I type. But not as drastic as they made it sound. My boss actually did an impression of how it has been described to her... something like this...

"It's like I am doing the limbo in my chair" is what they said. And yes, that is in fact Chubby Checker doing the limbo with my head on his body. I am supposed to "sit at a 90 degree angle so I look more professional." You can't be serious? When the position of my ass in my chair effects anything I do... ever... let me know and I will go off myself to rid this world of my negligence.

4) It only gets better. Next on the shit list was how I take my breaks in the break room. Apparently some noisy piece of 7 year old trash happened to walk past the break room as I was resting my eyes. Yes, I also admit that once in a while I enjoy a quick cat nap in the BREAK ROOM when I get my 15 minutes. What does that hurt? Well apparently we aren't allowed to do that. I wanted to tell them I was drunk, but I thought that would have been a bad idea. 

5) Last and certainly the most ridiculous of them all... Apparently... I am too relaxed. TOO RELAXED??? What does that even fucking mean you imbecile? What, am I supposed to come into work on so jacked up and intense that I am visibly upset with everything that happens? Maybe I should just tell my coworkers to punch me in the temple randomly during the day so I am on edge. Or maybe I should tell you, as my wonderful mother elegantly put it, that its because of the downers I take all the time. You fucking idiots. Why the hell would you want your subordinates to be uptight and on edge? Doesn't that create bad work and a terrible work environment? Sweet Jesus I hate people...

I think it is time to buy that vanity plate I have been thinking of buying ( referring to number 1)...

The End of the World

I'm not going to lie. I have had a pretty large case of writers block. My creativity has been absolutely nil lately... Until this morning. I saw a trailer for a movie called " Seeking a Friend for the End of the World" staring Steve Carell. I would try to explain the plot to you but I would just be wasting my time. Just watch the trailer...

But what it got me thinking about was what exactly I would do if I had that little time left on earth. My mind would be freaking racing, I will tell you that. I wouldn't even know what to do first. I mean, I would do the obvious things like spend time with loved ones and cry a lot or something. But other than the usual thins would I do? What would anyone do in that situation? Do really irresponsible and wreckless things. 

1)These are in no particular order but obviously the first thing that pops into any persons head if something cataclysmic happens is this... I am going to be with a different gorgeous woman for the remaining days left on earth. I would reconsider if I were not single of course, but if I were single all bets would be off. I wouldn't have to be my normal shy self anymore when it comes to women because no one would give a shit. It's basically first come first serve at that point. 

2) I would eat whatever the hell I wanted whenever the hell I wanted. Think of the grossest most delicious crap. Literally, I would eat the biggest and juiciest burger you could ever imagine with about half a pig of bacon on it. It would be epic. And I wouldn't even have to care about the calories like I do now. What a world. 

3)I would try to track down a celebrity and meet them. I don't know, someone like Stan Lee or something. And I would have a deep conversation with them. You know, try and pick their brain a bit. 

4) I would loot a store, just because. It just seems like it would be a blast. 

5)I would play catch with my Dad and Grandfather. Or at least try to. 

6) I would go to a museum and touch the most famous painting in it. Maybe even take it down. 

7) I would want to shoot something with a flamethrower. I mean sheesh, who doesn't? 

8) I would hug my dog till he hated me. 

And when all of that was done... I would do it all over again till it ended. I don't know. Sometimes I think about deep things like this. I dot just complain haha. 

Netting

Continuing the trend of talking about genitals... Our family has had a pool in our back yard since we moved into this house. Why I have no idea because not one person ever used the son of a bitch. Everyone always busted my freaking balls about it too which always made me mad. "Why don't you ever use your pool, Greg?" " You are crazy for not using that pool, Greg!" Blah freaking blah... Well guess what people, it's gone now. So no more dumb questions about why I don't stand around in a bowl of water that is my body temperature. Now I will just stand in the field of grass I shoveled 20 ton of dirt into and enjoyed every second of. In my nearly 20 years in this house I can honestly say I had more fun shoveling dirt into a hole than I ever did in that pool.

Why did I hate that pool so much? Well there are a couple of reasons actually. First and probably most importantly, literally ever single time I get into water that is not a shower my ears fill up with water and I have an ear infection. Now before you thing to yourself why I didn't just use ear plugs, don't be so gullible. I have tried that. But let's be serious here. When is the last time you have ever been in a pool by yourself? Ever? No, you go in a pool with friends and most likely do the only fin things you can do in a pool... chicken fights and Marco Polo. Literally, what else is there to do? And how the hell are you going to play Marco Polo with ear plugs in? It's virtually impossible. So the ear plus theory is nixed. So it is either go in the pool for a couple hours and have fun and follow that up with 2 weeks of pure and utter hell or just not swim. I pick the later.

But this whole ear problem didn't bother me at a young age. In fact, there used to be a time I enjoyed swimming... You know, when I didn't have a pool at my disposal. But there was always one thing I HATED about swimming. Swimming trunks. Seriously, who designed these things? What in God's name is that netting inside of them? What is that even for? I'll tell ya what it's for... It's a damn torture device. I don't know about you other guys, but I find myself adjusting myself in those trunks more than focusing on the rumpus times around me. Is it supposed to be like a fish net or something? You know, to keep unwanted guests away from that special area. I mean, it could look like bait. Am I right? So I used to just cut that shit out. But then I wised up and just stopped paying money for crappy swim trunks and just used plain old basketball shorts. Honestly, it's the same damn thing. It seriously is useless.

If someone can convince me of what this is used for, I will give you anything I own. My car, dvd collection, anything. But I know you can't because there is no point. Game, set, match... this guy. 

Robotic Arm

This is truly one of the most amazing stories I have ever heard. While sitting at work reading the news (something I am not supposed to be doing at all) I saw a story that blew my mind... pun intended by the way... This woman, whose name is Kathy Hutchinson, was paralyzed from the neck down years ago leaving her completely aware of her surroundings but not able to communicate. So doctors got together and figured out a way of getting this woman to communicate. After studying her brain waves for a while they conjured up some sort of device that hooked up to her head and  controlled a mechanical arm. This device reads her brain waves and controls the mechanical arm just like her actual arm would work. Yes.... You heard me. She was controlling something WITH HER MIND... Don't believe me? Check this video out. It's insane.

Honestly, a giant step in medical technology. Pardon my paraphrasing on the first part of this blog but honestly I was just astounded. But of course you know where this is going. If you haven't learned anything about me yet, you know this is going to take a turn for the worst. You see, my mind works in mysterious ways. So as soon as I saw this all I thought about is other ways this could be used. I mean, instead of hooking something up to a persons head, I guarantee it will become wireless some day. So that just means you can hook it to other body parts. Certain male body parts... if you know what I am saying. I mean wouldn't this be a cure for erectile dysfunction? Not saying I have it... at all... I am just saying wouldn't it be killer to control it with your mind? Juuuust sayin. Especially when you are a teen. You can't control that thing if you tried. Shit happened down there at the most random of times. If only I could have controlled it with my mind... Hell if I could now! Case in point... In this situation...


Just kidding...

Jesus Harper

Yes kiddies, that is right. Jesus Christ has apparently risen once again... in the form of Bryce Harper.

Or, at least, that is how every sports broadcaster is making it out to be. Honestly, I sat there watching the Phillies v. Nationals game on Sunday night with my buddy Brad in complete shock the way they were talking about this kid. Yes, kid. The boy is 19 years old. That is 6 year younger than me for God sake. And they are comparing him to current stars like Robinson Cano and Matt Kemp. Seriously guys, he has played 8 games. Cool your jets. Comparing this guy to those players is like comparing my writing to Hemingway's. There is no comparison.

But I admit, the kid has been alright thus far. He has made some pretty bone headed plays that look good because of the outcome. They could have easily went the other way though. Take Sunday's game for example. The kid stole home on a pick off attempt at first. Who the hell does that? If I were the manager I would have benched his ass. But Davey Johnson, their current manager, is so damn old he probably didn't even know it actually happened.

And THEN he turned a bloop single into a double not on hustle, but because Juan Pierre may have the worst arm in major league history. He was literally 8 feet away from second base and air mailed the throw almost past the first baseman. I have honestly never seen anything like it. Now if you don't know me, I hate Juan Pierre. I always have and always will. What can the guy do? He honestly can't hit the ball out of the infield. He obviously can't throw the ball well. I mean, this is his batting stance for God sake. Everyone knows what is coming with this guy. 

But I digress. This is not a bash Juan Pierre blog piece, it is a bash Bryce Harper piece. And like I said, that was easily another play that could have made the kid look idiotic. 

Not only did those plays piss me off, the way they broadcasted the game really bothered me. I am not even exaggerating when I say between every single pitch they would go to another shot of him just standing in the outfield. Not doing anything. Just out where the dandelions grow looking stupid. I mean actually looking like an imbecile. He had the dumbest snaggle toothed look on his face every time they showed him. The one time they showed him, a fly ball was hit right to him. And what did the Jesus Harper do? Catch it? Nope. Dropped it like a high schooler does. That is right everyone. He is 19 years old. He probably went in the locker room and cried about it and then called his momma. Or should I say... he turned some water into whine... ZING!

All I know is if this is like this the rest of the season I don't know how I will be able to take it. Why don't you actually focus on some of the special players who are already in the league right now. How about Billy Butler in Kansas City, Pedro Alvarez in Pittsburgh, or maybe even Jason Kipnis in Cleveland. All of these players are smashing the ball right now. But not on person knows this because the entire hour of SportsCenter is dedicated to Nascar and breaking down Bryce Harper's immature swing. Whatever... I don't get an opinion on the matter so what does it matter. 

Trying it out

So I was thinking to myself, as I heard this song on the radio for the umpteenth damn time...

I thought to myself... " You know what, I found this damn frigging song WAAAAY before it was on the damn radio." I am sure some of you have had this same feeling. It happens to me more than you would think actually. I mean whatever, call me a hipster or something but I know this is the truth. My close friends can back me up on it too.

There is only one other person that I have met in my 25 years of existence that has a knack for finding new music. Her name is Hana by the way. We have been swapping new and awesome music for a long time now and I told her about my dilemma. I was actually the one who sent that Gotye song to her, if you can believe it or not. We needed to take this situation into our own hands. So I came up with an idea.

Therefor, I have made a rash decision. I am making another blog. This does not mean I am going to be neglecting you guys of my nonsensical rants about absolutely nothing. Hana and I are just going to have another blog where we post music we find that a lot of people have not heard. I think we have a gift, and we want to share it with you guys.

I think I am going to call it

We found it first... or other good stuff


So here it is. Check it often peeps. I think you are going to love it.


http://wefounditfirst.blogspot.com/

Back to the grind

First and foremost, I would like to thank all of you who read and enjoyed my wonderful book that I posted. I decided not to post the last chapter being that I figured everyone was getting sick of it anyway and because there is some really offensive stuff in it that I am even afraid to post. So I just figured it was time to move on. I was posting that damn thing for literally weeks, so I have PLENTY to talk about. 

One of the last posts I wrote before I started putting up my book was about my new job. You know, the one where that cranky ass woman yelled at my buddy for “horsing around.” Well I am still there and I am actually succeeding a bit. Who would have thought, right? But anyways, every single day of my life I now take the same road to my destination. I literally could drive that thing with my eyes closed if I had to. I drive past the grave yard, the Sheetz, the tattoo shop cleverly named “Tattoos.” Its enthralling stuff let me tell you. But probably the highlight of my freaking day is when I drive past the same damn barber shop at the same damn time every morning and see someone getting the same damn haircut every single time.

Now it wouldn’t be so noticeable if it weren’t for the fact that I can actually see how horrible this haircut is. No offense to any army man or lezbo out there that has this haircut but it is literally the worst thing ever.

Who honestly wants their hair to look like that? And I am being dead serious when I say there is always someone in that place, and sometimes multiple people, getting their haircut at 7:45 am. First off, who the hell is insane enough to get their haircut that early anyway? Who seriously wakes up in the morning just craving for an awful haircut? Apparently a lot of idiotic people in my town. You know what is even weirder about it? I literally never see anyone in public with that haircut either. They are either wearing a hat or are too fucking embarrassed to be seen in public. I go with option number two.

Also, why the hell is that man open that early to begin with? Did he start his business in another time zone or something because no normal person opens their business at that time. I mean, I could see if it is a reputable business, I can understand that. You know a 9-5 job. But this guy is opening up when everyone is going to work. It just doesn’t make a lick of sense to me.

The more I think about it, maybe that is the only haircut the guy does. Maybe people go in there thinking that they are going to be happy with their hair for the next few weeks but they end up looking like this ass hat.  

A couple more times of me driving past and seeing that awful awful haircut being administered to someone and I WILL stop and say something about it. I will be like, is that all you know how to frigging do? Go back to barber academy or something. Learn how to straight shave or something. Don’t just make everyone look like R. Lee Ermey. Not one person wants that.