Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Holidays

            Now I know what you’re thinking. This guy hates literally everything. But no, I don’t hate all holidays, only some of them. Thanksgiving and Christmas fucking rock. But when it comes to those holidays, there are certain things I really don’t like about them. But the general idea of eating as much as I can or getting presents, well how could anyone hate that?

            A holiday is generally a day that is designated as having  some sort of special significance that individuals, a government, or religious group have deemed that observation is warranted. With that said, there are eleven federal holidays recognized and then about 30 more holidays that are recognized by people as well. That’s literally over a month of celebrating, in some cases, stupid shit that most people don’t care about. Case in point…

            Earth day is stupid. It is the celebration of environmentalism. Great job making a holiday literally no one cares about but hippies. Like seriously, what do you do? Am I supposed to grow some green beans in my back yard on that day? Or is it everyone’s job to plant a tree on that day? Nope, that’s yet another dumb holiday called Arbor Day. So we now have two holidays that actual people celebrate that are literally the same fucking thing. Legitimately, what is the difference? I don’t see it. After researching it a bit more, I actually found the answer to my perplexing question. Apparently, on Earth day you are supposed to admire the earth’s beauty and it is also intended to create awareness and appreciation of the earth’s natural environment. So, I guess you are supposed to go on a picnic or something. But make sure you don’t liter, that’s the lesson, go green. And then Arbor Day is literally a day where you are supposed to go plant a tree. How sad is it that people actually stopped planting tress so there needed to be a holiday where you went out of your way to go plant one?

            Now this brings up the question of what actually makes a holiday one in which the United States recognizes it as an actual holiday. Like I said, out of the over 40 or so “holidays”, only 11 of them are recognized as one. Well, all but maybe one or two on the federal holiday list is stupid and shouldn’t be a holiday. That’s what the difference is. The one that I really think should be recognized is Easter. Easter, apparently, is not recognized as a federal holiday. Why? I don’t know really. Easter has religious and monetary ties to the nation, so I really don’t get it. I am not one who is big on religion, but being that Easter is supposed to be celebrated as the belief in the resurrection of Jesus, I think it should have some sort of recognition.

So how do we celebrate Easter ? By buying a shit ton of eggs and chocolate, that’s how. We buy a bunch of real eggs, vinegar, and dye. Then we make the house smell real nice by hard boiling the eggs, mixing these so called Easter colored dyes into vinegar, and then going to town. You dunk and dunk and mix the colors around. You take a white crayon and you write messages on the eggs for pep pep. You have a ball. Then apparently a gigantic bunny comes to your house and leaves baskets full of chocolate for the children. Sounds like a fun time. But I don’t know what this had to do with Jesus really. But let’s leave him out of this for now and focus more on the actual holiday activities. Of all the holidays, this one is the most active. You make those stupid eggs, you jump for joy when you get your basket of candy, and apparently you go on egg hunts. This is the part I really don’t get. Who came up with this idea? You hide these brightly colored plastic eggs with candy or some other prize in these really easily spotted places. Then you let 20 kids go running as fast and as dangerously as possible through the yard so they can to find the damn things. This is the true meaning of Easter. It’s obviously for the kids. But I have two beefs with this holiday. For one, being that it’s not a nationally credited holiday, why the hell does the White House hold a gigantic Easter egg hunt every year in its courtyard? Isn’t that a little condescending? And secondly, why did no one ever ask the question of how the hell the Easter Bunny gets in your house? These other mystical beings have a way in. The tooth fairy uses the window. Santa uses the chimney. How the crap does the Easter Bunny get in?? Well all I know is he always got in to our house and he knew what I liked. I never was a big candy kid. So this guy used to bring me awesome stuff like G.I Joes and Ninja Turtles. Well Easter, if the United States doesn’t recognize you, I sure do. I salute you. Thanks for all the awesome stuff. I mean what did something as lame as a nationally recognized holiday like Inauguration Day ever give me? For God sakes, it only happens every four years... the least it could do is give me some sort of present. Presidents don’t count.

There are other holidays, such as Arbor Day and Earth Day, in which they should basically be bunched together into one day or just eliminated completely. Things like Constitution Day and Flag Day could be bunched into something called No One Cares Day. I have never even heard of these freaking holidays until I looked up the actual list of holidays. Well, I lied. I heard of Flag Day, but not Constitution day. I mean, you could throw Patriot Day into this mix as well. Why don’t we just call it America Day and call it quits because these are obviously just another bad attempt to show patriotism. Everyone wears enough red white and blue to last them the year on the Fourth of July. Does anyone actually celebrate these days though? Are there actually festivities that go on during these days because if there are, I bet the party for Constitution Day is off the chain.

            But enough about the shitty holidays… I didn’t even talk about Washington's Birthday yet, but I am throwing in the towel on the shittyness of the idea. I’m only going with the big ones now. These are big for many reasons. These include and are not included to…

1)     Presents

2)     Food

3)     Cheap crap

4)     Food

5)     Presents

6)     Family

7)     Presents and

8)     Food

These are the big boys of the holidays and there is nothing you can tell me to otherwise disprove my reasoning. There are three big boys in my holiday trio. One of them is not recognized as a national holiday, but is widely celebrated by millions upon millions of people. There other two are quite obvious. These holidays have captured many emotions in my life and will continue to do that until the day that I die. But underneath it all, just like mostly everything else, there merely piss me off.  

Black Friday

I know I know, this technically isn’t a holiday. I mean, what do you celebrate? It’s quite obvious what you celebrate on this day, cheap crap. I would rather buy $2 DVD’s all day long than go outside and watch fireworks. Which before I get going on why I love and hate black Friday so much, let’s talk about the Fourth of July. I hate this day so much I want to punch it in the kidney and make it piss out bloody fireworks. I love the traditional picnic theme to the day, don’t get me wrong there, but if I didn’t have to see another damn firework in my life, I would die sort of a happy man. I don’t see everyone’s fascination with the firework. People come from miles around just to see some colorful explosions going off in the sky for sometimes up to and not limited to a freaking hour. If it wasn’t for the fact that my father and Uncle taught my four year old cousin to call fireworks “spermi’s” I don’t know if I could even stand them just a little bit. Even at freaking baseball games there is some kind of fascination with fireworks. I don’t understand it. If there is a guarantee of a fireworks show at the end of a game, by God it’s a given its going to be sold out. Anyways…

The months of November and December are an amazing time really. Not only was I born in November, which really should be a holiday in its own right, but it is just a magical time altogether. Black Friday is amazing. That’s really all that needs to be said about it, but I will go on.  Not only does it follow my favorite day of the year, it is filled to the brim with outrageous savings and the first day of Christmas music. People are nasty, people are pushy, and people are downright nasty during this day just because they have a shot at getting a TV at a discount price. Its absolute brutality and I love every second of it. Stores open at an outrageous hour, usually being about 4a.m, and people are in literal lines waiting in the cold to buy some shit

My brother Joel and I started doing this about six years ago. I never actually knew about until then and wondered why we hadn’t done it before. If you don’t know my brother or me, we are major consumers/collectors. My brother buys DVD’s, toys, and books where I buy DVD’s, video games, and cd’s. He is obviously more cultured than I am since he reads, but don’t let it fool you. He really only reads comic books. Most people are out there literally risking their own lives to fulfill their kid’s Christmas dreams with these spectacular deals while we are in their ways fulfilling our ridiculous need to collect them all. I know, it sounds awful, but it’s us.

I remember my first year of doing this insane adventure. We formulated a plan that we decided to follow for years to come. It was and still is flawless to bring closure to our every need. We always start at Best Buy, for obvious reasons, and then make our way to Toys R’ Us. We would then swing by the mall if needed for stores like Old Navy and JC Penny’s where then we would end the day with trips to Target and Wal Mart. What a plan. It has never failed us and I don’t think it ever will. I mean, what other stores would WE possibly need to go to? So we go to Best Buy to start out our day. First of all, it’s like 15 degrees out and it’s two in the freaking morning. So needless to say none of us were happy campers. Secondly, the Best Buy near our house is kind of on a hill. So when we pulled in there were already hundreds of people there and they were all lined up going up the hill. It was a little ridiculous actually but every year we do the same thing. We usually make it about half way up the hill and are in the first wave into the store. This is essential for our purchasing needs being that there are only a few of everything. I mean God forbid we leave without our discounted seasons of the Office. We do this every single year, just for a couple of pieces of media. It’s ridiculous.

Speaking of ridiculous, this past Black Friday was the epitome of it. We drive down there, this time including my pregnant sister in law Melissa, at about 2:30 in the morning. Its literally pouring down rain and like 35 degrees out. I swear it was on the border of freezing because it was damn cold out. Joel has the brilliant idea to drop him and Melissa off at the back of the line, or midway up the hill, while we run to a store that is already open and we buy some ponchos. Like no one else had this idea… So Justin and I go. Being that it’s almost three in the morning, we were kind of short on options, and actually almost out of gas. We manage to find some ponchos about 45 minutes later, find a gas station that’s actually open, and we make it back to the store to give Joel and Melissa their ponchos. Keep in mind, my sister in law is about four months pregnant at this point. Brilliant. But that’s beside the point.  We needed our seasons of Mad Men on Blu Ray. Not only is it basically sleet, the wind is also blowing at a ferociously. It literally felt like our ponchos were ripping off our bodies.

If that wasn’t annoying enough, in comes in the most annoying part of the Black Friday festivities, panhandlers. You see, some stores, such as Best Buy, have such good deals that they only have a couple of the items to give away. For example, if they have a really good deal on a laptop computer, they may only have five of them to give away. So it’s kind of like first come first serve. They give out these coupons to the people who arrived first to buy the product. Well, there are these asshole people who basically are waste of fucking life. They leave their houses literally right after they eat their turkey dinner to be first in line to get these tickets. Then, once all the people arrive to start the line hours later, they leave the line and try to actually sell the coupons to the other people. Are you fucking with me dude? You arrived at this store about ten hours ago because you wanted to sell those tickets for five bucks a pop. Wow. Not only did my hatred for these white trash pieces of shit grow and grow every time they asked me if I wanted to buy a digital camera, the people who were actually there for legitimate reasons hated them even more. This one man actually got physically violent with this group of assholes and actually grabbed a dude and called the police. It was absolutely amazing. But eventually, after everyone yelled curse words at them and they knew the police were called, the assholes finally left. But they keep doing this every freaking year, its absurd. I hope they get punched one of these times. They came close, why not finish the deal.

Thanksgiving

            There isn’t much about this holiday that makes me mad. There is nothing to really hate about it actually, unless you are afraid of birds or something. Well , if you were afraid of birds this should be your day of rejoice or something because there are thousands of damn birds being eaten. I guess you could be anorexic. God, that has to be the worst day for them. I would hate to that. There is literally nothing more satisfying than eating as much as you possibly can, watching football, and then letting the tryptophan do its work.

            Why does this make me mad per say? Well, let’s take into consideration one thing. This is one freaking day per year. One day per year where everyone says “fuck it” to their diets and their eating habits and literally lets it all hang out. I know for a fact for the next couple days, after it all passes, I have to wear my fat pants because I eat so much. But what I am suggesting is something very simple. Why not have a day like Thanksgiving all the time?

            I know I know. It’s a holiday based on something that happened a long time ago. It would ruin the meaning of the holiday and I understand this. But I love spending time with my family and eating very fatty foods. What can I say, its one of my vices. How hard would it be to have a day like this every month or two? It wouldn’t be hard at all. I think that would be awesome.

            Also, why the hell don’t people make pie more than like twice a year? Here is a simple fact of life. People love pie. It doesn’t even matter what kind of pie it is. My personal favorite you ask? Pumpkin. And it just so happens to be a seasonal pie that is made only really around Thanksgiving. This is my curse people. I can only have pumpkin pie once or twice a year. I honestly would eat it for a meal itself I love it so much. My pops loves it to, it just seems like he likes whipped cream a little more. He smacks that shit on like it’s going out of style. I always ask him if he wants some pie with that, but I digress. All I am saying is that people make pie more than once a freaking year. This also just may be a family thing. Hell, there may be people out there that make pie all the time. I have no idea. Apple pie is an American constitution like baseball and Rock and Roll, but I don’t see people making it like they make chocolate chip cookies or boring ass sugar cookies. God damn, my pallet wants to die from the boredom.

            Why do people have to eat the same things for Thanksgiving to. I know in my family we literally eat the same meals for every holiday get together. I will be you a million dollars I know exactly what we will have for both Thanksgiving and then Christmas. It’s almost identical. Thanksgiving meal consists of…

-Turkey, both white and dark meat

- Stuffing, three different kinds made by three different people

- Cheesy Broccoli

-Corn

-Dinner rolls

-Fried Mushrooms

- Mashed potatoes, with gravy of course

-Cheesy Potatoes

-Cranberry sauce

-Strawberry pretzel salad

-And a multitude of pies

            This is literally every Thanksgiving. It’s so deliciously stereotypical it hurts. All I am asking is to change it up a bit every couple of times around. What’s it going to hurt? Why not try a different type of meat; I would be down for that. I could never see my family switching up the bird to a pheasant or a duck or something like that. I don’t even know what the hell those birds taste like. They can’t be bad. I think people might cause a scene though.

Christmas

            Christmas is awesome. But some of the things about it annoy me. Christmas is supposed to be spent around loved ones celebrating the holiday. Well, as much as I love it, it annoys me in a way. I hate the superficial family crap that you have to do around the holiday really, I think that’s what annoys me the most. What I mean by this is mainly the gift giving that goes on within the gathering. There are literally hundreds of presents given out between everyone, which sounds awesome. But you really have to be there to understand. I love my family, don’t get me wrong, but holy shit do they go over bored on children.

            My family is made up of a lot of women. That’s not a bad thing, but for some reason women love babies more than anything on this earth. It is some God given animal instinct that women can’t stand but love and grab them and hold them. So, around Christmas time, what is the best way of showing how much they love those babies? By buying them ten or more gifts obviously. My family had five kids in a span of about four years so it was like the great baby boom within the Jackson family estates. This is by far the most annoying thing about the holiday. It takes a process of what should take no more than a half hour for everyone to open their gifts and jacks it up to literally over an hour. Why?  Why is that even an option? I am not exaggerating when I say that each and every kid in my family opens gifts for a solid 20 minutes each and they don’t give two shits what the hell they are opening, especially If its clothing. They just kind of stare into space while everyone around them is yelling at them to hold it up so they can take pictures. You could swear that some celebrity just walked in the room by how many flash bulbs go off when one of the children holds up a gift. My family loves to document literally everything. It’s sort of adorable.

This is generally how it goes on Christmas. The older people, such as myself and my brother, go into the other room where the presents are held and we take them all in and divvy them up. In my family, the rule is after you are married or have children, you don’t get gifts anymore. So at this present time I still get gifts. And for some reason the older people in my family like my grandmother when she was still with us got presents as well. About fifteen minutes passes and everyone has their presents. I have a four inch radius of gifts, obviously all gift cards, while my cousins have a literal mountain of the newest and trendiest toys and clothes on the market. These people go ape shit on the gift giving. I never really understood going all out for babies because they outgrow everything just days later anyways. And I am talking both clothes and toys too. We always go from youngest to oldest when opening gifts so, at this present time, am usually near the end of the rotation. You really cant get to excited about gift cards. Don’t get me wrong, I love them but what am I supposed to do, pump my fist in joy or something? I never really know how to react when receiving a present. Never really got that one down pat.

After the awkwardness of that whole situation dies down, its usually time to eat. Now if you remember what I said before, Christmas dinner at the Jackson residence is eerily similar to Thanksgiving. Let’s see if you can spot the differences…

- Ham

- Stuffing

- Cheesy Broccoli

-Corn

-Dinner rolls

-Fried Mushrooms

-Cheesy Potatoes

-Strawberry pretzel salad

-And a multitude of pies

Literally the only differences are we have pig instead of bird and we don’t have mashed potatoes. It’s really original. I don’t think they even plan it that way. It kind of just happens that way. It’s still freaking delicious, I just think it’s kind of funny that we almost have the same exact meal for both holidays.

            The whole gift giving process is a real pain in the ass to. Thank God for the invention of the Amazon.com wish list, because I have been saved by that for a few people. But other than them, I have a terrible time finding good gifts. I mean, it gets to the point where I start to stress about it and literally sweat when thinking about it. God that makes me sound like a giant fat man, but it’s true. The worst is buying for my parents. I never have any idea what to get them. And whatever I do buy them, it’s usually something gender generic. I usually end up buying my father some sort of manly tool and my mother perfume and some girly CD. I remember a few years back, talking about shitty gifts, I actually bought my father like three different kinds of crow bars. First off, why would you need three crowbars and secondly who knew they made different kinds. But no matter what, they seem to love the gifts so that’s awesome. Even if they didn’t, they are my parents. They wouldn’t tell me otherwise.

            Christmas music is probably the worst thing about the whole damn holiday. I sort of dig it when it first starts up, which I swear gets earlier and earlier every year. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if satellite radio made a permanent fixture of a Christmas music station because there are actual people who would listen to it all year. But like I said, I sort of dig it at the start. It really just gets old after about a week or so. There are only so many damn versions of Sleigh Ride I can hear before you sort of get upset about it. I mean for God sake, they all sound the frigin same. And why can’t people come out with new Christmas music? That’s my question. I never hear new Christmas music around the holiday season. But you know what does come out every holiday season, these stupid albums by popular artists. I swear ever girl my age owns Hanson’s Christmas CD. And if they don’t own that one, I would be willing to put some money on the fact that they own one of Mariah Carey’s 81 Christmas albums. Seriously, she needs to calm down on those suckers. It’s like every month she releases one.

            This brings me to my least favorite holiday of them all. It’s actually one that I am torn over whether I should like it or not. But really, the only reason I would like it is for all the wrong reasons. I kind of dig it, or at least participate in it, because women dress really sexily and prance around without a care in the world. I told you it was for all the wrong reasons. But other than that I never really understood Halloween. Being a kid who never really got that sugar tooth, and I still really don’t eat candy, I went out but really never ate any of it. I think it’s just one of those things that you have to do when you are a kid. I make it sound like I was forced to go out and trick or treat, but it’s quite the opposite. I went out because it was the thing to do. But when I started getting older, meaning around 13 or so, I realized it was time to leave it behind. I had some pretty awful costumes growing up too. By awful I mean terrible looking and also downright offensive. You are probably thinking to yourself “what could he have possibly worn that was offensive.” Well why don’t you take a look at this picture, and then be the judge.

I would like to thank my parents for allowing me to walk around public in this. Yes, that’s me dressed up as pop culture icon and Family Matters star Steve Urkel. Sorry about that picture being sort of crappy, but all the rest of them were taken by the NAACP after they questioned me and my family. Not really, but you get the point. As Weird Al would say, I was young, dumb, and ugly when I was five years old and I had no idea that wearing black face wasn’t really culturally accepted. You know what’s even more fucked up about that picture? That was taken during an actual parade in the town my grandparents used to live in. They used to have all the kids in town march down the street showing off their costumes. I guarantee all of the educated people in the town were either appalled by the idea that I was dressed like that, wanted to find my parents and tell them a piece of their minds, or were laughing about it. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s kind of funny. I did one of the most offensive and racist things anyone could ever do. But it was cute because I was five. Suck on that Michael Richards.

            To sum up this chapter is sort of hard. I love holidays because I love my family and the friends that I spend time with. But there are just certain things about them that really bother me. It’s one of the only things that I can really love but there are things about it that I really despise. Like my next chapter for example...

Chapter 10

Chapter 10

The Beach

            People have a strange affiliation and attraction to stupid things. This is one of those stupid things. Yes, it may be beautiful and it may be warm and all that fucking jazz. But this is how I see it. I think it is dirty, boring, and a waste of damn time. I mean seriously, think about how many people pee in the ocean? You think that shits sanitary? Or how about how many things have died in the ocean? It’s disgusting.

            Just think about it people. Hundreds, maybe thousands of fish die in the ocean every day and just kind of lay there and rot away. Dead people are thrown in the ocean, or at least that’s what some movies and television shows like to tell me. Garbage is left in the ocean. People and fish literally go to the bathroom in it. Yet people are splashing around in that shit, no pun intended, for weeks at a time for something they call a vacation. Now granted, the ocean is gigantic and there is little chance you’re even going to come close to anything but still. The idea of all of that in the ocean really freaks me out. And to top it off, the sand is something that really gets me steaming. I’m sure you have heard this from just about anyone who has ever gonna to the beach, but why the fuck does the sand stick in every crevice of your body the entire time you are there. It’s unreal.

Not only that it is really dirty, which should freak people out enough that they shouldn’t go to the damn beach, it’s really not worth anyone’s time. They spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars on a vacation to a place where you are going to literally lay there for days on end. People tell me all the time “but Greg, it’s so relaxing to just lay there on the beach.” I tell them, why the fuck cant you do that at home? Spend little to no money and lay in the back yard. That’s relaxing as well. Then they go on some stupid rant about how you don’t have the sound or the sight of the ocean in your back yard. To this I say, who gives a shit. If you have that much stress in your life where you have to go completely out of your way to a body of water to relieve your stress, then you got more problems in your life than just stress.

The sand is one of the worst things about the damn place. I swear to God as soon as you hit the town in which you are going, somehow sand gets in every crevice of your body. It’s literally drawn to your crotch. It doesn’t matter if your windows are down, up, or missing, the sand will find its way to your deepest darkest places as soon as you get there. And once you leave, you cant get rid of it. I remember the one time when we got home, I finally got all the sand off of me after about four baths. I take a damn bath every day, and I am very meticulous about it. But for some reason I found new sand in new places every day. In between my toes, in my ears, in my hair, in my crotch. There were no limits. It was some kind of cruel joke. And your shoes, forget about those. You wear a pair of shoes to the beach, you might as well throw them away when you get home because the sand will NEVER get out of them. You could literally not step foot on the beach and still leave with sand in all your shit. It’s the freakin worst. 

On top of all of the things I just mentioned, unfortunately for me, every fucking time I go in water my ears plug up. This only happens if I submerge my head in water, so showers don’t really do anything. Only if I go swimming. So you can see why I hate going swimming and going to the beach so much. I hate going swimming so much because every time I go in, no matter how hard I try and like some frigin miracle, water gets in my ear and it plugs up. I am then miserable for two weeks. People are always like, “Greg, why don’t you wear earplugs,” like I am some kind of fucking moron. I have tried it people. I tried the regular ones and I tried the ones where you supposedly can hear out of them. I tried everything. But apparently my ears are the shape of anything but the shape or an ear plug because they fall out. Not only that, you can’t hear shit, so what’s the point? Hey guys, let’s go swimming. It will be a jolly good time… except don’t try to talk to me, I can’t hear a damn thing. So forget playing any games or even have any sort of fun. Yipee!

Now you understand my pain. Not only are beaches a waste of damn time, I can’t do anything at them. The one major attraction to a fucking beach vacation is the damn ocean and I can’t go in it. So that brings my options down to basically nothing. I could look at good looking women, but at the beaches my family went to there are basically none. And I was so young, I didn’t give a damn about women yet anyways. But yet, my family continued to go to the damn place. It made no sense to me.

Wildwood, New Jersey. The only reason this place was remotely cool is because it had a really nice boardwalk and a couple of amusement parks. But other than that it’s like every other fucking beach in the world, just a little colder and depressing since it’s in New Jersey. New Jersey is depressing in its own right, why would you try and spunk it up with a vacation spot?

We also went to Ocean city, Maryland which was also just as bad in my opinion. They had a nice boardwalk and it was also long. But after about 300 yards of stores, they just kind of repeated… over and over and over again until the end of the boardwalk. So these were your options for the day. You could either be a lazy ass and just kind of lay there on the beach all day. That option was best for me, no matter how much I hated the idea. You could go swimming in either a pool or the ocean, which again I couldn’t do because of my ears. Or I could walk down the boardwalk and continue looking at the same thing over and over again. No thanks Ocean City. I would rather sit in the hotel and watch television.

We also went with the entire family to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. This was probably the most fun of any beach trip I ever had but it also sort of sucked. It was awesome that a lot of my family was there because my family is tons of fun, but we were still at a lame fucking beach. We had a really cool suite on the top of a hotel where all of our family stayed. It was big enough for 12 or more people, so it was huge. But even with the cool hotel digs, this place is the worst beach I have ever been to. When I say there was literally nothing to do, there was literally nothing to do. I could have walked around town if I weren’t like 11 years old. But no, I had to do what everyone else did. So that consisted of basically nothing. I remember like it was yesterday though. I spent most of my time watching the Disney channel because they had it and we didn’t get it at home. Also, this was about the time that the Chicago Bulls played the Utah Jazz for the first time in the NBA finals so I watched a lot of that as well. Other than those things, I really only remember one other thing from that stupid trip.

This trip was the first time I had ever heard of Krispy Kream doughnuts. Apparently at the time they weren’t as big as they are now because they weren’t really expanded. In fact, these things were like a southern delicacy. But my Grandmother, that little diabetic sweet tooth that I miss very much, bothered my Dad every damn morning to go get these freaking doughnuts. Let’s not even talk about the fact that the nearest shop was about ten miles down the road, it just didn’t even matter. She had to have her fill of Krispy Kream’s by the end of the trip or we wouldn’t hear the end of it until the end of it. By the end of the trip my pop’s finally cracked and surprised the family with these so called best doughnuts ever. Let me tell you, this was the first and last time I ever had one of those gross ass round pieces of fauz dough. They were too sweet, to slimy, and they literally melted in your mouth. How fucking gross is that? How the hell is a solid, besides maybe chocolate, supposed to melt in your freaking mouth? I’m sorry but that can’t be healthy. So all in all, my trip to Myrtle Beach consisted of the television show The Gummy Bears, the NBA Finals, and Krispy Kream doughnuts. Lamest vacation ever.

Of all the places in the world to go, a beach is literally the last place I would choose to go. Though now that I am old enough to drink, I maybe actually enjoy going, but who knows. I just don’t see the point after all of my terrible experiences. I mean I see these people driving around town with these gigantic fucking stickers saying that yes, in fact they have been to the OBX. Now if you don’t know what that is, first of all you’re obviously out of touch because this fucking sticker is plastered everywhere, and secondly I think you’re awesome. Who really gives a damn if you have ever been to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. Literally no one. Do you see me driving around town with a giant sticker on my back window saying I went to Cincinnati. Who the hell would want to advertise that shit anyways? For realz.

Now this is solely my opinion and I have only met a few people who share the same feelings with me. Literally everyone loves the beach. I don’t understand it. I mean after laying, walking, and swimming, what is there to actually do? I guess you could take up kite flying like my pops did. Remember the kite string story? Or maybe you could throw some sort of object around with a friend. No matter what, whatever you choose to do, it will likely be boring within the hour in which you start doing that activity. I mean how long can you throw around a damn Frisbee without saying to yourself,” good lord this is boring me to new heights. I never thought I could get this bored. Last time I got this bored is when I watched Donnie Darko for the first time.” And like I said, people go at this for weeks at a damn time. I really don’t understand how anyone could put themselves through the torture. I honestly don’t. I guess there could be worse things. Going to the meadow lands in New Jersey for example.

Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Movies

There will, however, be plenty of shitty movies to go around for everyone. Movies throughout the history have been hit or miss. I have a pretty good sense of what movies I will actually like, but there have been some flops that I misjudged as good. There have also been some trends in the movies lately that have really got me going. Trust me I will touch base on a lot of things in this chapter. Being the local movie expert, I think I have merit to talk about all of these things. And I will make that obviously clear.

I have seen thousands of movies in my day. In fact, movies are one of the few things I absolutely love in this world. There is just something about movies that I can relate to. Maybe it’s the fact that I hate reading so much. It takes hours upon hours for me to read a 300 page book, but they condense that very same book into an hour and half movie. That sounds like more of a time saver than anything to me. People complain about movie adaptations of books all the fucking time. They say “ why did they change that one part where so and so was walking up the stairs” or “Why would they take the scene out where she was cooking chicken, it was so important?” WHO CARES PEOPLE ?!?!?! Honestly, who gives a shit if that scene was supposed to happen on the train to school rather than the stairs in the school. Did it affect the plot at all? The answer to that question is a big fat no, and you need to get over the fact that directors have a vision. Now to be perfectly honest, this would probably bother me to if I read the book. But I have better things to do with my time then to actually read. I tried it for a bit, but knowing that a movie of the very same thing was coming out just months later just ate at me so bad that I stopped reading. That’s the laziness talking, I know, but what can I say. I am an extremely busy person. Seriously, who has time to read? Well apparently a lot of people do but I am just saying.

            Other than the fact I can’t stand nitpicking on stupid minute details like the above mentioned scenes, I can’t stand when things don’t make sense whatsoever in a film. This happens more than you think. Case in point… In the 2009 film Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, there is a scene in the movie that literally made my mind stop it was so perplexing. First of all, we have to realize the director of this movie. Michael Bay is an idiot. He doesn’t make good movies. Anyone who enjoys his movies should go to an electronics store, buy an actual good film, watch it, and then have a lobotomy. He just makes these films with huge budgets and a bunch of unnecessary explosions. In this film, there is a scene where they are in the air and space museum in Washington D.C. for some reason. And then for some reason this old ass jet plane comes to life because apparently there were also Transformers on the planet back in the day. Then this apparent Transformer apparently has an English accent and you can’t understand a word he says. Even if this was a vital part of the plot, which it really wasn’t, this was completely blown out of the water because of this fun fact. The end of the museum opens up and they are now in some desert. Seriously? You are in Washington D.C you stupid idiot. You really think you could slip that one past any person who is the least bit educated? I literally didn’t care about the rest of the movie because of this idiotic mishap. Not like it mattered, the movie was awful anyway. But honestly, was I the only one who noticed this? This museum is on the east freaking coast Michael Bay. There are no deserts around the Pennsylvania, Virginia, Maryland area, sir.

            And yet another Michael Bay blunder, let’s talk about the 2001 film Pearl Harbor. First off, the fact that this is an awful film doesn’t really help the fact that it had so many inaccuracies about it that a 4 year old fucking child who knows nothing about Pearl Harbor or that Japan is even a country could figure it out. First of all, Josh Hartnet seems like an absolute ass, so no girl would ever fall in love with him. Secondly, I would like to point out the fact that if you were not an educated person watching this film, you have absolutely no idea why the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor in the first place. It’s like the just did it for shits and giggles according to the film. And thirdly, and my absolute favorite, is that the some of the naval ships that were shown in the movie were no even introduced into the fleet until later in the decade. Pure stroke of genius you freaking+ idiots. Now I didn’t really find this inaccuracy, my father did. My pops was in the Navy and was the one who actually noticed this first. So I looked it up. Sure enough he was dead accurate. Why don’t you do your homework before making a damn movie? Especially if the film studio is going to invest so much money into a film, I want it to be accurate.  Sorry, I like enjoying what I am watching and if it’s blatantly being ignorantly inaccurate and stupid, I am going to criticize the hell out of it. That’s just me.

            Zumeckis is a great example of someone who has lost their touch. Though he has made some spectacular movies in the past (I.E. Back to the Future, Forrest Gump, and Cast Away) its like he has Benjamin Button disease now. Instead of making good films, he now just makes shitty CGI films like Polar Express and A Christmas Carol. Honestly, did anyone go see these movies? Apparently he has a childish fetish with the holiday season to, because both of these movies are Christmas movies. Go back to what you were good at brother, that is the best advice I could give you.

            Joel Schumacher is another one and he just may be the worst director of all time. I am not even exaggerating when I say this, but he actually ruined the Batman series for every generation to come. I didn’t think it was possible, but he actually made Batman look like a pussy. Hell, he even made Robin look like more of a pussy than he already did, and that’s a hard thing to do. He also made Arnold Schwarzenegger look like a complete fairy, which is hard to do when looking at who he made look like one. Probably one of the biggest superstars in the action film genre in a lifetime, and Mr. Schumacher made him look like a pixie in a cute metal suit. He also made Bane a bumbling idiot who basically does nothing in the movie. Here I go sounding like a big nerd, but anyone in their right minds could see this. Anyone who completely ruins such a manly thing, such as Batman, should be shunned from whatever they do as a profession. Case in point, Joel Schumacher. But nooooooooooo, he continues making shitty movies like Phone Booth and The Number 23… Someone please stop him before he hurts himself.  

            There are many more directors out there that make shitty movies, don’t get me wrong. But they don’t make me as angry as those two. And they don’t make as many awful movies as they do either. They may have a flub here in there, but not as many in a row as those ones above. Case in point… James Cameron has made some kick ass movies. He directed the first two Terminator movies as well as Aliens, which in my opinion is by far the best one of the series. But for God sake man, what the hell is the deal with Avatar? I am one to exaggerate things. In fact, it’s part of my shtick. But I am not exaggerating when I say that Avatar is literally the worst movie I have ever seen. Not only was it just a giant shit fest of cheap 3-D pops so that children can get their jollies from a blue thing popping out at them through the movie screen. Not only that, the damn movie is the story of Pocahontas on an alien planet. Seriously, just replace the pilgrims with an army, and you got it. Could you be less creative James? I would blame the writer for this debacle but you just so happen to be the writer as well…double fail.

            Not only did he fail in the fact that he basically recycled the story of Pocahontas, another gripe of mine is that you can’t connect to any character in that movie. Honesty I tried. Am I supposed to connect with the guy in the wheelchair because he’s a cripple? Am I supposed to connect with Sigourney Weaver because she’s been in every other fucking Cameron movie? Am I supposed to connect with any one of the hundreds of aliens they introduce you to in the movie? No, because they all suck and have no depth whatsoever. People say to me, “but Greg, it’s a deep love story.”If memory serves me correctly, the main character, if you want to call him that, falls in love with an alien. I don’t call that a deep love story, I say it’s more like bestiality than anything. That’s like me falling in love with a farm animal on the set of the remake of Charlotte's freakin Web. And if I want to connect with a love story, I’ll watch something more hardcore than alien on human action… trust me.

            This was one of the first movies to revolutionize the second coming of 3-D. This is an awful thing. Though it may sell a lot of tickets for a bigger price, the only people that really like 3-D movies are toddlers and their parents that go with them. And it isn’t just new movies either. They are re releasing older movies and making them 3-D for some reason. Honestly, if the release some spectacular movie and make it 3-D, like Star Wars for example, I will want to kill myself. It’s an actual travesty. On a scale from 1-10, with the destruction of earth being a 10, I would put re-releasing Star Wars in 3-D at an 8. I would want to kill a marmot if that actually happened. And it’s not that it’s just a novelty act, because it really is. But it’s the fact that almost every film is now being released in it. What happened to good ol’ fashioned film making? All people worry about is a damn cheap thrill now a days. I honestly think script writers now have to think about what they are writing because now there has to be scenes in movies where the character has to do something like punch the screen or throw a fucking pumpkin. It’s retarded.

            As much as I actually hate them, I have seen a few 3-D movies in my day. A couple of them have been in the theater but a couple of them have been on DVD as well. I saw a horror film with a bunch of friends and I actually laughed the entire time it was so bad. The only good part about the movie is there was this one part where a woman was ripped apart and you saw her boob… in 3-D. Boobs in 3-D are much better than boobs in 2-D. But then I saw a cartoon in 3-D. And then I understood why people were so enamored by 3-D films. The cartoon 3-D really worked and was much different than a normal movie. I guess it’s a lot easier to pull off something outrageous on a 3-D movie if it’s a children’s film. But this goes back to what I originally stated. 3-D should mainly be marketed to kids because it really only works for children’s movies. I don’t see 60 year old men going into the theaters wanting to see a 3-D movie. It’s sort of a niche market so to speak. So if it does stay around, keep it to your Justin Bieber concert movies and your Disney films. That’s how the movie industry is going to bank on the 3-D extravaganza that is the decade of 2010.

            Another thing I can’t stand about movies today is the fact that no one has an original idea. And if they actually do have an original idea, it’s fucking lame and doesn’t deserve to be anything but a lame thought in that lame persons head. All people do is either remake movies from ten years ago or make a movie from a book, which I talked about before. But the whole remake thing has really gotten to me. Just recently, a remake of a hilarious British film called Death at a Funeral was remade just three years after the original. That is outlandish. Probably the least necessary thing that needed to be done ever. Not only was it the fact that it was only three years after the original, it was pretty much the same film, shot by shot. The only difference really was that there were black actors in it. I am not bashing the film, I just honestly don’t think it was necessary to remake a film that was only three years old. I think there should honestly be a cap on the limit of years a film needs to be out there before it is remade. In my opinion, I think the perfect amount of years is 30. The reason I say this is because that is kind of where the generational gap is.

            Then there are these retarded parody movies. Yes, at one point they were funny. But who the fuck watches them anymore? Teeny boppers who like pop culture references about fake vampires and such is the correct answer to that question. After the first Scary Movie, where it was sort of a good idea and was kind of funny, there was no need to do it anymore. It is now getting to the point that these movies aren’t even going to the theater. They go straight to DVD, which if I made a film, would be the worst insult anyone could give me. That would be so insulting to me. I even get offended by some of the straight to DVD movies. I go to the store and see some of these titles and I think to myself, who the fuck thought this was a good idea and a good investment to make this movie? Do they really think they are going to make any money off of this? I am making some of these titles up (or at least I think I am), but stupid shit like Crazy Dog, the story of a family who owns a dog who does outlandish things, or even Wild Zoo, the story of a wild a wacky zoo where the animals work together to stop a group of criminals from stealing the prized Gorilla. I completely made those up but honestly, don’t be surprised if you see those on the shelf at a store near you in the next few years. Now that I thought about it, half of those damn movies are about animals that can do human things. Though this may be hilarious, there is no need to make seven MVP movies or nine Air Bud movies like they did.

            Last but not least are the actors and actresses that I hate most. Just like the musical artists in the above chapter, there are always those people you hate most in something you love. There are just certain people in the movie industry that piss me off, and for some of them I don’t really know why. Here are some of them and again these are in no particular order…

1.      Jake Gyllenhaal- Ever since I saw Donnie Darko, which by the way is one of the worst movies I have ever seen, I have hated this guy as an actor. Not only is he completely one dimensional, boring, he has the worst taste in movies that he is actually in. I can honestly say there is not one good film that he has been a part of. Because none of his characters are even remotely believable. Not only that, he is more freaking boring than  Keeanu Reeves. At least he made some good movies. He made the ultra popular Matrix series. Old Jakey poo made Prince of Persia… You do the math. I don’t think anyone went to see that movie. I was actually insulted by the fact that he tried to grow a beard. I have a more impressive beard on other parts of my body than he has on his face in that movie. You probably shouldn’t try that one again. And what the hell is up with hat stupid fucking smirk he always has on his face? No matter what movie, what role, or the scene he is in, he has this stupid smirk on his face. I literally makes me want to uppercut him into next week. It’s not like I don’t like the guy. In fact I have never met him before and most likely will never meet him. But the fact that he has made over 20 movies, none of which were good, bothers me.

2.      Nicolas Cage- Now here is a guy that is extremely popular and he really shouldn’t be. Though he is one of the top paid actors in Hollywood, he turns out these shitty movies that anyone who was actually in the right state of mind would never give the time of day. No I am not going to lie, unlike the last asshole I talked about, Mr. Cage has actually had a couple of good films. Matchstick Men and Lord of War were pretty damn good. But then you look at flubs like The Wicker Man and Ghost Rider and you just shake your head. Who the fuck thought those movies were a good idea? They were on the edge of being comedies they were so bad. Like holy shit people, why does this man keep getting hired for movies? On that note, why the hell was there a need to make a National Treasure 2? Did anyone actually stop and think how absolutely ridiculous it was? Yes, there is a secret cave inside Mount Rushmore where there is ancient gold while all along the way you see Nicky boy figuring out an hour and a half of lame ass clues that are also mind numbingly obvious. I tried being in a play once. I literally told the person directing it that I didn’t want the lead role, I couldn’t do it. So what does she do, she gives me the lead role. I was absolutely awful. No lie, I was so bad we canceled the play. Yes this was in seventh grade, but with that said, I am almost positive I could play a more convincing role in any Nicholas Cage movie.

3.      John Cusack- I am beginning to see a trend here. Really famous actors who have less talent than my testicles. Honestly if you were watching a John Cusack movie and then my balls were there to, something about my balls would most likely be more interesting. And my balls are quite normal. That’s how bad his movies actually are. Let’s go through some of his movie history. He has made an awful movie about a haunted hotel room, an iconic yet awful movie where he holds up a ghetto blaster playing some Peter Gabriel, and a movie about a runaway airplane carrying the worst convicts in the world. By the way, Nicky boy was in that movie too. That last movie is Con Air, if you didn’t know already, and it was actually pretty good. But let me tell you this, it had nothing to do with the lead actors of the movie. It was the supporting cast that saved that movie.

4.      Richard Gere- This guy actually has some talent. My problem with him is that for the life of him, he will not leave the romantic fucking comedy or romantic drama genres. Do you have no humor sir? Honestly, leave your comfort zone every once in a while bro. Though he has made some pretty good and iconic films, nothing can save the fact that most of his movies are boring and made for women. I am looking at his IMDB.com page right now. He has five films in the works right now and I guarantee in three years when they are out and have been seen, all of them will be in those two same genres I said before. Its baffling how someone can pretty much do the same movie over and over again for a whole career. But he did it so far.

5.      Renée Zellweger- I know this is mean and I ever hate to say it but… Woof. I mean seriously… I know I am not a good looking man by any stretch of the imagination and in no way should I be judging anyone by their looks but, does she even have eyes?  It’s not even just that, I can’t even fathom why she gets some of the roles that she gets. For example… In the western Apaloosa, she plays a “good looking” woman. Or in the film Leatherheads, she plays a “good looking” woman. Or even how about Jerry Maguire. She plays the “good looking” woman in that too, only difference is she had one of the most memorable lines in cinema history in that one. But seriously, they couldn’t find anyone else for those roles? Sure, she did a good job in them I just don’t think they were believable with her in those roles.

6.      Megan Fox- This one is on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. Megan Fox is sexy as hell. There is not denying this one at all. She just lacks that one thing you actually need to succeed in the movie industry. Yes, she does have a nice face and a killer set of cans, but any movie she is in is an absolute joke. I would date you Megan Fox, but you won’t catch me seeing Jessica’s Body anytime soon. Actually, you won’t see anyone seeing that movie anytime soon. What did it make in the box office, like $17?

7.      Tyler Perry- Who the hell is this guy? He cranks out television shows and movies like they are six page children books. This could mean two things… They either suck really badly or they are just recycled/ stereotypical stories that literally anyone could write. My guess is the first one. His main character, the one where he made all of his money and got his fame was this man dressed as a woman named Madea. Why do I know this? Because he made literally 83 films about this fat woman. What could possibly happen in these movies? Nothing worth my time I’ll tell you that much.

8.      Anyone in the Twilight Saga- Don’t even get me started on these pieces of trash. Not only did the movies sicken me, the two lead actors in the film are an abomination to the acting community. For one, the writer of the books didn’t even try. So when Robert Pattinson took on the role as Edward Cullen it only made sense. I mean for Christ sake, if the writer of those books didn’t try, why should Robert Pattinson? He doesn’t even comb his damn hair. Nor does he even try to act. He lets the glitter do the talking for him. The author made up rules for vampirism, rules that had been written in stone for lord knows how long and then captured every teenage God damn girl in the world’s imagination with how a vampire could actually love. I mean seriously, how could a vicious creature such as a vampire, whose sole purpose on this earth is to feed on human blood, not find time to love such a dashingly charming girl as Kristen Stewert? That was obviously sarcasm. She is neither pretty, charming, nor talented. In fact she rarely cracks a damn smile. There is literally not one good thing about hose fringing movies. Not one thing.

Although I may complain about a lot of things, movies are literally one of my biggest passions. I love movies. But just like everything else, there are things that just erk me about stuff and rub me the wrong way. Speaking of rubbing me the wrong way…

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Fads

            Now this is a subject that I fine absolutely hilarious. I am not one to follow in with the crowd most of the time, but when you grow up with a bunch of kids that are into something you kind of have to be. If your friends are into football, for example, why would you be the only one playing baseball. Now even though I felt like that sometimes, I have to admit I did get into some of the big fads growing up. In fact, some of them were my forte.

            One of the biggest things to collect during my childhood and even my teenage years were different types of cards. When I was really young, baseball cards were the shit. I couldn’t get enough of my favorite team, which for some reason never seemed to come when I bought a pack of cards. I love the Pittsburgh Pirates, but yet when I would beg my mother to buy a pack of cards for me I would get 12 cards of teams I hate. No matter how many cards I would get, the ratio of Pirates I would get would be at least 50:1. You would think this would be the other way around, being that no one outside of Pittsburgh actually likes that team, but it isn’t. That isn’t how it works when I collect things… unless…

            On of the only things I have ever been good at in my life was collecting Pokémon cards. I could wheel and deal like no one had ever seen before. For those of you who don’t know, there were four different types of cards back when I collected these things. Now that there are nearly 600 different ones, I have no idea if they changed this. But back when I collected them there were common cards, uncommon cards, rare cards, and then the holographic cards. These were represented by a circle, a diamond, a star, and a holographic star. If you got the last one of any card, you were the coolest kid on the block. There were also certain cards that made you even cooler. If you had the holographic Charizard you were the king. I knew a few people who had a couple of them and it made me jealous. But I finally got my hands on one and that’s when I made my move as wheeler and dealer of the century. I was flipping packages of ten common cards for rare cards, which no one could do but me. I had a way of talking these kids into it that no one else did. I was on top of the world. But then… I grew up. I realized how stupid it was to own all of these pieces of cardboard that were worth nothing. I mean no one even played the fucking game. I know I tried a couple times, but all people wanted to do with them was put them in some protective sheets and run around town with them. It was asinine behavior. Here are some cards made to play a game. People buy literally millions upon millions of them, and no one plays the damn game. People just wanted to collect them all. I gave all of mine to my cousin years later because I honestly could have cared less about them. My honest opinion? I think trading cards and game cards are made to teach kids the basics to bartering. And it worked.

            If there is one thing everyone knows it’s that most kids don’t like to read. But every once in a while there is an author who catches every kids imaginations…except for mine of course. There was a man whose name was R.L.Stine, which no one knew what the hell stood for by the way, who wrote these terrible horror books. Such literary gems with names as “Welcome to Dead House”, “Let's Get Invisible!,” and “ The Blob That Ate Everyone” were obviously written to win the Nobel Prize. I mean, that second book I mentioned obviously wasn’t even a pun. Now that’s what I call creativity. How couldn’t something like these books trap every 12 year olds imagination? Well I didn’t get caught up in the hype. For one, I hate reading. Two, if I did read I would want to read something fucking better than some shitty horror story that isn’t scary. Shitty horror stories aren’t my bag baby. But then he came out with these books where you could choose your own ending. I said “wow what an interesting idea.” Then I read it. Even worse than the other books, I swear. If there is something written that can’t even hold the attention of a nine year old, there is something wrong. But seriously, the people in my school literally bought ever fucking book that came out. I don’t even know if they read them I was smart and took them from the library. I win. But like I said, I didn’t read them. I would try, but then would realize how awful they actually were after about ten pages.

            People had an addiction to furry animals while I was growing up too. Actually not just furry animals, animals in general. One of the products that reflected this were these idiotic bead animals that everyone was fucking making. I even did it. But now looking back I realize how time consuming and stupid it was. I don’t even know where they are but I literally did at least 100 of each of these…

bookers, who are usually old women too. So that sort of makes the craft store industry sort of a niche market… to old bags.

            Not only were bead animals king of the jungle during the nineties, there was another product that everyone literally went bonkers over. These fuckers were at craft stores too, along with every other damn store you passed. Apparently the days of polyester stuffing had passed and thus the days of plastic pellets ruled. Yes, I am talking about beanie babies everyone and I hate to say it, but I also fell into this trap. I had hundreds of these overly expensive bean bags hoping one day my pay day would come. Yes, I was thinking I was going to make some dough in the future off of these things. Boy that was foolish. But at least I wasn’t one of these fucking idiotic, psychotic, and moronic people who thought they were going to make enough money to retire if they got their hands on something like this…

Seriously? You think you are going to retire off of this thing? People are really gullible. I’m going to retire off my good looks… I remember when these were hot. People would literally hit each other if they saw one of these they needed in their collection. And I stress “needed” because of how friging ridiculous that word sounds when talking about bean bags in the shape of an animal. But I sort of understand it I guess. I mean who wouldn’t go wacko over something as cute as Tangerine the orangutan. That was sarcasm by the way, though that’s another thing. Those stupid freaking names are out of line. Some of the classics include Belvedere the bear, Sophisticat the kitty cat, and Dewi Y Ddraig the dragon are just a few of the classics that people splooged their pants over. How the fuck do you even say that last one? All I know is I got rid of that shit as soon as I realized that these things really weren’t worth the money that people were saying they were worth. They were honestly just sitting on a shelf collecting dust, so what did I care?

            Digital pets were a big thing when I was a kid as well. This was one of the fads that went on for quite a while if I remember correctly. Why the hell did it go on for so long? It’s literally a machine the size of an egg where you have a pet that looks like a pile of poop. Then, your pile of poop poop’s, a lot. Then you gotta clean up the poop while trying to figure out the difference between the actual poop and your poopy pet. Then it usually grows up into some other animal looking thing while you feed it meat and clean up poop constantly… all day every day… it’s exhausting. People played with these during school, like it was any more interesting than social studies. In fact, it was probably less interesting. It literally does nothing but shit. There were people who actually had these things just to keep resetting the pet and killing it off again. What the hell is wrong with some people? I mean seriously. People would actually buy the game “The Sims” to just starve their character and kill them off. What a bunch of re-re’s.

            Those finger skateboards were a big deal for a while. I tried them, but I could never fucking do it. It’s just like regular skateboarding, it’s a frigin travesty if I try and do it. I honestly think the people who are actually amazing at the sport are super heroes. They literally defy gravity. There is no way in hell someone should be able to make a piece of wood on wheels go up in the air and have their feet stick to it the whole way. I have no idea how it’s done. And those finger skateboards are even worse. How the hell are you supposed to do that with just two fingers? It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. Anyways, all of these people I knew were good at it and then there was me who could only really put his middle finger on it and then push it around with my pointer. Yeah, that’s how I roll. But they made these accessories for people who were really good. They made half pipes, grind rails, and anything that was made for real skateboarders. So apparently they were a big hit. I could just never figure out how to do it. If you haven’t figured it out yet, things that I can’t figure out how to do really makes me angry.

            That slime stuff, or Gak, was a fad for a short time. It didn’t make any sense. You couldn’t do anything with it except kind of touch it. Then after you touched it for a while, no matter what you did. It got all dirty and fuzzy and then you could never play with it again. The fact that you could only really play with it for a short period of time didn’t really make it any easier to accept the fact that you just paid $10 for that container of slime. To top it off, it literally smelled like fish. So then after you played with it for an hour, made it look like a fizzy ball of dirt, and then realized that its actually a useless consumer item, your hands smell like shit. Great job wasting my time and money you stupid slime makers.

            Every ten years Yo-Yo’s come back. I am 24 years old now, and I think I saw some hoodlums using them the other day. I remember ten or so years prior they were a hit while I was in school. I had a Duncan butterfly, which was a cheaper model but was notorious for being a good sleeper. So it was good for learning some tricks. I could only really ever do a couple tricks, but that’s not the point. In the technological age of interactive video games and computers, why the hell do Yo-Yo’s keep coming back. They aren’t fun. I actually guarantee its one of those things that when a kid plays with it for more than 20 minutes, they throw it in the corner of their rooms and then lay there and watch some stupid fucking mindless kids show until their awful parents, who bought them that very Yo-Yo, make them go to bed at an very late hour. I don’t really know where I’m going with this other than the fact that I didn’t play with mine more than a couple days before I threw it in a box and left it there to rot. I guarantee every other kid in this world, except those dedicated few ridiculous people who are professional Yo-Yoists, do the same thing as I did.

            Probably the biggest trend while I grew up was one of the dumbest things ever invented. Unlike the card game I talked about at the beginning of the chapter, this was a game that I actually witnessed people playing. Hell, I actually played it myself. This game is called pog’s. Pog’s were, and I refer to them in the past tense because no one in their right minds plays this stupid fucking game anymore, a game where you bought hundreds of these cardboard circles with pictures on them. You then take those circles and stack them very high and throw a metal or heavy plastic circle at them. This was called a slammer. That was it. Invigorating. Now you could play with other people, and by doing this you were playing for keeps. You would hit each other’s stacks with your slammer and whatever pog’s were left face down would become yours, and vice versa. I did this a couple times but it always seemed that my crapper of a slammer never got the job done. So I was like fuck it. You would transport them in these gigantic cylinder shaped tubes that were literally longer than a car. People actually carried these things around. And speaking of hilarious, what the hell was the deal with the designs on the pog’s? Every pog had an 8 ball, skull, or a ying yang on it. Most people don’t even know what the hell a ying yang is. I swear to you, every one of my pog’s, except maybe a few, had those designs on them. All I know is if this fad ever returns I will want to punch a hole in a wall. It was literally the lamest thing I have ever done in my life.

            Why do we feel the need to buy these idiotic trendy items? It boggles my mind, but it still happens. Even though all of the things I have talked about happened in my younger days, adults do it too. With electronics, cars, and clothes, adults do the same exact thing just on a larger scale. I even do it now even because I buy every damn DVD I can see. I exaggerate obviously, but it’s a hobby I guess and I guess all of the things above kind of were to. Only thing is, movies will never die. 

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Fads

            Now this is a subject that I fine absolutely hilarious. I am not one to follow in with the crowd most of the time, but when you grow up with a bunch of kids that are into something you kind of have to be. If your friends are into football, for example, why would you be the only one playing baseball. Now even though I felt like that sometimes, I have to admit I did get into some of the big fads growing up. In fact, some of them were my forte.

            One of the biggest things to collect during my childhood and even my teenage years were different types of cards. When I was really young, baseball cards were the shit. I couldn’t get enough of my favorite team, which for some reason never seemed to come when I bought a pack of cards. I love the Pittsburgh Pirates, but yet when I would beg my mother to buy a pack of cards for me I would get 12 cards of teams I hate. No matter how many cards I would get, the ratio of Pirates I would get would be at least 50:1. You would think this would be the other way around, being that no one outside of Pittsburgh actually likes that team, but it isn’t. That isn’t how it works when I collect things… unless…

            On of the only things I have ever been good at in my life was collecting Pokémon cards. I could wheel and deal like no one had ever seen before. For those of you who don’t know, there were four different types of cards back when I collected these things. Now that there are nearly 600 different ones, I have no idea if they changed this. But back when I collected them there were common cards, uncommon cards, rare cards, and then the holographic cards. These were represented by a circle, a diamond, a star, and a holographic star. If you got the last one of any card, you were the coolest kid on the block. There were also certain cards that made you even cooler. If you had the holographic Charizard you were the king. I knew a few people who had a couple of them and it made me jealous. But I finally got my hands on one and that’s when I made my move as wheeler and dealer of the century. I was flipping packages of ten common cards for rare cards, which no one could do but me. I had a way of talking these kids into it that no one else did. I was on top of the world. But then… I grew up. I realized how stupid it was to own all of these pieces of cardboard that were worth nothing. I mean no one even played the fucking game. I know I tried a couple times, but all people wanted to do with them was put them in some protective sheets and run around town with them. It was asinine behavior. Here are some cards made to play a game. People buy literally millions upon millions of them, and no one plays the damn game. People just wanted to collect them all. I gave all of mine to my cousin years later because I honestly could have cared less about them. My honest opinion? I think trading cards and game cards are made to teach kids the basics to bartering. And it worked.

            If there is one thing everyone knows it’s that most kids don’t like to read. But every once in a while there is an author who catches every kids imaginations…except for mine of course. There was a man whose name was R.L.Stine, which no one knew what the hell stood for by the way, who wrote these terrible horror books. Such literary gems with names as “Welcome to Dead House”, “Let's Get Invisible!,” and “ The Blob That Ate Everyone” were obviously written to win the Nobel Prize. I mean, that second book I mentioned obviously wasn’t even a pun. Now that’s what I call creativity. How couldn’t something like these books trap every 12 year olds imagination? Well I didn’t get caught up in the hype. For one, I hate reading. Two, if I did read I would want to read something fucking better than some shitty horror story that isn’t scary. Shitty horror stories aren’t my bag baby. But then he came out with these books where you could choose your own ending. I said “wow what an interesting idea.” Then I read it. Even worse than the other books, I swear. If there is something written that can’t even hold the attention of a nine year old, there is something wrong. But seriously, the people in my school literally bought ever fucking book that came out. I don’t even know if they read them I was smart and took them from the library. I win. But like I said, I didn’t read them. I would try, but then would realize how awful they actually were after about ten pages.

            People had an addiction to furry animals while I was growing up too. Actually not just furry animals, animals in general. One of the products that reflected this were these idiotic bead animals that everyone was fucking making. I even did it. But now looking back I realize how time consuming and stupid it was. I don’t even know where they are but I literally did at least 100 of each of these…

bookers, who are usually old women too. So that sort of makes the craft store industry sort of a niche market… to old bags.

            Not only were bead animals king of the jungle during the nineties, there was another product that everyone literally went bonkers over. These fuckers were at craft stores too, along with every other damn store you passed. Apparently the days of polyester stuffing had passed and thus the days of plastic pellets ruled. Yes, I am talking about beanie babies everyone and I hate to say it, but I also fell into this trap. I had hundreds of these overly expensive bean bags hoping one day my pay day would come. Yes, I was thinking I was going to make some dough in the future off of these things. Boy that was foolish. But at least I wasn’t one of these fucking idiotic, psychotic, and moronic people who thought they were going to make enough money to retire if they got their hands on something like this…

Seriously? You think you are going to retire off of this thing? People are really gullible. I’m going to retire off my good looks… I remember when these were hot. People would literally hit each other if they saw one of these they needed in their collection. And I stress “needed” because of how friging ridiculous that word sounds when talking about bean bags in the shape of an animal. But I sort of understand it I guess. I mean who wouldn’t go wacko over something as cute as Tangerine the orangutan. That was sarcasm by the way, though that’s another thing. Those stupid freaking names are out of line. Some of the classics include Belvedere the bear, Sophisticat the kitty cat, and Dewi Y Ddraig the dragon are just a few of the classics that people splooged their pants over. How the fuck do you even say that last one? All I know is I got rid of that shit as soon as I realized that these things really weren’t worth the money that people were saying they were worth. They were honestly just sitting on a shelf collecting dust, so what did I care?

            Digital pets were a big thing when I was a kid as well. This was one of the fads that went on for quite a while if I remember correctly. Why the hell did it go on for so long? It’s literally a machine the size of an egg where you have a pet that looks like a pile of poop. Then, your pile of poop poop’s, a lot. Then you gotta clean up the poop while trying to figure out the difference between the actual poop and your poopy pet. Then it usually grows up into some other animal looking thing while you feed it meat and clean up poop constantly… all day every day… it’s exhausting. People played with these during school, like it was any more interesting than social studies. In fact, it was probably less interesting. It literally does nothing but shit. There were people who actually had these things just to keep resetting the pet and killing it off again. What the hell is wrong with some people? I mean seriously. People would actually buy the game “The Sims” to just starve their character and kill them off. What a bunch of re-re’s.

            Those finger skateboards were a big deal for a while. I tried them, but I could never fucking do it. It’s just like regular skateboarding, it’s a frigin travesty if I try and do it. I honestly think the people who are actually amazing at the sport are super heroes. They literally defy gravity. There is no way in hell someone should be able to make a piece of wood on wheels go up in the air and have their feet stick to it the whole way. I have no idea how it’s done. And those finger skateboards are even worse. How the hell are you supposed to do that with just two fingers? It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. Anyways, all of these people I knew were good at it and then there was me who could only really put his middle finger on it and then push it around with my pointer. Yeah, that’s how I roll. But they made these accessories for people who were really good. They made half pipes, grind rails, and anything that was made for real skateboarders. So apparently they were a big hit. I could just never figure out how to do it. If you haven’t figured it out yet, thins that I can’t figure out how to do really makes me angry.

            That slime stuff, or Gak, was a fad for a short time. It didn’t make any sense. You couldn’t do anything with it except kind of touch it. Then after you touched it for a while, no matter what you did. It got all dirty and fuzzy and then you could never play with it again. The fact that you could only really play with it for a short period of time didn’t really make it any easier to accept the fact that you just paid $10 for that container of slime. To top it off, it literally smelled like fish. So then after you played with it for an hour, made it look like a fizzy ball of dirt, and then realized that its actually a useless consumer item, your hands smell like shit. Great job wasting my time and money you stupid slime makers.

            Every ten years Yo-Yo’s come back. I am 24 years old now, and I think I saw some hoodlums using them the other day. I remember ten or so years prior they were a hit while I was in school. I had a Duncan butterfly, which was a cheaper model but was notorious for being a good sleeper. So it was good for learning some tricks. I could only really ever do a couple tricks, but that’s not the point. In the technological age of interactive video games and computers, why the hell do Yo-Yo’s keep coming back. They aren’t fun. I actually guarantee its one of those things that when a kid plays with it for more than 20 minutes, they throw it in the corner of their rooms and then lay there and watch some stupid fucking mindless kids show until their awful parents, who bought them that very Yo-Yo, make them go to bed at an very late hour. I don’t really know where I’m going with this other than the fact that I didn’t play with mine more than a couple days before I threw it in a box and left it there to rot. I guarantee every other kid in this world, except those dedicated few ridiculous people who are professional Yo-Yoists, do the same thing as I did.

            Probably the biggest trend while I grew up was one of the dumbest things ever invented. Unlike the card game I talked about at the beginning of the chapter, this was a game that I actually witnessed people playing. Hell, I actually played it myself. This game is called pog’s. Pog’s were, and I refer to them in the past tense because no one in their right minds plays this stupid fucking game anymore, a game where you bought hundreds of these cardboard circles with pictures on them. You then take those circles and stack them very high and throw a metal or heavy plastic circle at them. This was called a slammer. That was it. Invigorating. Now you could play with other people, and by doing this you were playing for keeps. You would hit each other’s stacks with your slammer and whatever pog’s were left face down would become yours, and vice versa. I did this a couple times but it always seemed that my crapper of a slammer never got the job done. So I was like fuck it. You would transport them in these gigantic cylinder shaped tubes that were literally longer than a car. People actually carried these things around. And speaking of hilarious, what the hell was the deal with the designs on the pog’s? Every pog had an 8 ball, skull, or a ying yang on it. Most people don’t even know what the hell a ying yang is. I swear to you, every one of my pog’s, except maybe a few, had those designs on them. All I know is if this fad ever returns I will want to punch a hole in a wall. It was literally the lamest thing I have ever done in my life.

            Why do we feel the need to buy these idiotic trendy items? It boggles my mind, but it still happens. Even though all of the things I have talked about happened in my younger days, adults do it too. With electronics, cars, and clothes, adults do the same exact thing just on a larger scale. I even do it now even because I buy every damn DVD I can see. I exaggerate obviously, but it’s a hobby I guess and I guess all of the things above kind of were to. Only thing is, movies will never die.