Why I May Hate You

There are a plethora of reasons why I hate some people.  If you have always wondered if you could ever talk to, hang out, or be friends with the cool guy writing this blog, you must ask yourselves these tough questions….

1)         Am I an idiot?

If you are a complete and utter imbecile, then I want nothing to do with you. For example, if you have to use a calculator to take 10% off of something, if you go out and drink heavily two or more times a week and complain about gaining weight, or if you think wrestling is “fake”, then you are a grade a, prime real estate idiot. 

2)         Do I drive the speed limit?

If you drive under or at the speed limit, forget about it. I am ALWAYS in a hurry. 

3)         Am I a fan of really bad actors/ actresses like Rachel Mcadams and Nick Cage?

If you are then you are probably in a world of trouble when trying to talk about one of my favorite past times on this earth…Film. 

4)         Do I listen to really bad music such as the black keys or kasabian?

Those bands are so bad I purposely didn’t capitalize them. Fuck em. I got in a debate with my friend Brad about one of those bands just last night. If you were to meet a caveman and you had to explain rock and roll to them in its simplest form, you would choose to play the black keys. It is literally the most generic rock music that has ever been made and it sucks. That isn't even opinion. Have you actually listened to it? Every song sounds like every rock song ever. I have honestly mixed them up for The White Stripes on multiple occasions. 

5)         Do I own a blue Penguin jersey?

Now this one is tricky. I have multiple friends who I bash for wearing one Trust me. One of the coolest things about our city is the fact that we are the only city where ALL of our sport franchises are the same color. Therefor… I don’t want to see baby blue on my hockey team. Sorry.

6)         Do I laugh at rude comments?

Sorry bro, if you don’t laugh at rude comments made at other people as well as at you, you better forget about it. We will not get along and I hate you. Humor is the spice of life. Get over yourself.

7)         Do I make good first impressions?

I will be the first to admit it, I make judgments on people on first impressions. That first impressions could even be you walking into a room goofily. I USUALLY have a good sense on this too. I can count on one hand the times I have been wrong. Usually if you barge into a room and are loud, obnoxious, and annoying, that is how you will be most of the time. That’s my shtick. Not yours.

8)         Do I think Lil’ Wayne is attractive?

This goes for you ladies out there. If you want to be my friend, you better not think this man is attractive. He literally looks like a full grown rat, his voice sounds like a squeeze box/goose, and he always looks dirty. Literally not one thing about those things screams sex. Quit using your green shades.

9)         Am I “addicted” to something?

No such thing people. It is all a mind game. Anyone can quit anything… ever.

10)      Am I a meat head?

Feels like I have talked about some of these things before but… I don’t like people who are full of themselves. Especially ones who work out. I don’t like people who scream and grunt in the gym. It is unnecessary and, in my mind, juvenile. Also, if you are going to wear that toothpick of a shirt you might as well not even wear one. I know I wouldn’t want to see that but for Christ sake what’s the point? Sleeveless? More like ¾ clothless. Either you went crazy with the sheers on those sleeves or you meant to do that. Either way I hate you. Continue listening to Linkin Park and Eminem on those GIGANTIC earphone of yours because, to be honest, I want to have absolutely nothing in common with you.

11)      Do I smell funny?

This has absolutely nothing to do with a judge of character. Really it doesn’t. But if you do not have enough pride to take a bath, wash your clothes, or wear deodorant, then I have no respect for you.

12)      Do I just bite string cheese or do I actually string it?

If you bite into string cheese, you should be slapped in the mouth.

13)      Do I chew with my mouth open?

Grotesque.

14)      Do I use a blu tooth?

You might as well be wearing a fanny pack, zooba pants, and a tucked in polo shirt because only men over the age of 40 think they are cool. They look so cheesy it hurts. Honestly, it feels as though it is something that should have come out in the 1980s. Its outlandish.

15)      Am I a front runner?

There are people in this world who only like winners. Those people are dicks. I went to college with someone who literally would change his favorite team monthly based on how well they were doing. I am not even joking. The LA Lakers would be doing well and you would see him walk down the hall wearing a Lakers hat. The next month they would be losing a few games and the Spurs would be winging, he would walk out in a Spurs hat. When confronting him about why he did not cheer for the Lakers any longer, this would be his response… every single time for every single team for every single sport… “ oh, they are butt, man.” Gag me.

16)      Do I use the “Exit” doors to enter a building?

One of my biggest pet peeves. Not even close. I literally say things to people who do it.

17)      Do I play a guitar at parties?

Need I say more? After teenage girls move past the age of 14, not one person thinks this is acceptable.

18)      Do I have a sticker of a child peeing on something in the back window of my car or truck?

Nothing screams hateable like these redneck pieces of trash. It is usually some fucking kid pissing on a Ford logo or something idiotic like that. You also see a Baltimore Ravens logo around here as well. Fucking stupid. It is almost as bad as an Outer banks sticker or a baby on board sign. It makes me want to aim for your car if I am in an accident.

19)      Do I think beards are dirty?

This is a widely thought of fact… oh wait it isn’t a fucking fact. I have talked about this before too. I would honestly contend that my beard is cleaner then my hair. And so would most people who have one.

20)      Am I a member of society?

Not even joking, I would say 85-90% of people have some sort of hateable quality about them that I could pick out. I might even be low on that. But it is about  learning how to deal with those things and finding the good things about them, i.e the blue Penguins jersey.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate EVERYONE. I just hate MOST people. If you read my blog, though, I love you. So… From this manacing Easter Bunny and myself... Happy Easter everyone!



TLC

I am going to say what everyone else is thinking... TLC needs to change the name of their station. No, check that that, they HAVE to. There is not one minute of programming on that station that is teaching me or anyone anything. No, actually, check that one too. I have learned a lot of things from watching current programming on "The Learning Channel". I have learned…

1) That Duggar woman is apparently a sex addict that is covering up by being a Mormon or something.

     1a) These sink holes popping up everywhere on earth is not, in fact, aliens coming to our surface like I would like to think. But it is, in fact, this woman’s vagina. 

2) The Gypsy existence is one of glamorous lifestyles and very creepy people, marriages, and  situations.

     2a) If you literally watch just one episode of this show, your brain will hurt. It is also one entire hour you will never get back on this earth. Do something more productive, like watching cars go down the street. 

 

3) People are obsessed with weddings so much that they are willing to put their lives out there for the public to see… in all of their dickishness. 

4) There is a trailer park that apparently looks like a theme park and is filled with stereotypical hillbillies that was, obviously and insultingly, not staged to make a “reality” show. 

 

5) There is a man who makes extravagant cakes but is so dumb he can’t pronounce ingredients and tools of his trade correctly.

 

6) There are people who use a massive amount of coupons on useless shit. They live off of a room stock full of laundry detergent, toothbrushes, Gatorade, and ramen noodles.

     6a) But this is alright because they save a ton of money on items they don’t need.

     6b) You can become extremely overweight by eating only ramen noodles and Gatorade. 

 

7) There is a family of tiny people, who have a couple of normal sized kids (strange), who apparently have endless amounts of money to do whatever the hell they want.

7a) Is there some sort of government bill that gives people under 4 feet tall money for their unfortunate stature? I tend to think so. 

 

8) There is a sassy woman from New Jersey who can talk to dead people… forever cementing peoples love for residents of that state for some reason. 

 

9) Grotesque mothers who need to live their lost childhoods through their children like to dress up their daughters like ladies of the night while spraying them in black face. 

 

10) People like to have sex in strange ways… which is not something I really want to see or hear about. Normal sex is fine with me. 

 

11) People are addicted to drugs and are complete fucking losers.

 

12) People are addicted to really weird shit too, which is absolutely hilarious. I mean, a woman was literally eating the dry wall on her house. A man was IN LOVE WITH HIS CAR!  

 

13) People like to take things and just throw them in the corner of the room. It could be anything. A countless number of two liter pop bottles for example. Or how about just junk from yard sales because they are saving them for a future “project”. All I know is I can’t watch this show. It makes me sick to my stomach.

13a) This has further bolstered my self diagnosed ocd tendencies.

 

14) There is a woman who looks like Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles who has a child who competes in some sort of contest.  

     14a) These people are speaking some sort of language that, apparently, my ears can’t process. I literally can’t understand a word they say.

     14b) There is absolutely no reason anyone should know who these people are.

15) Reality shows are the complete opposite. Game shows are more reality then this crap.

God I hate this channel.  



Huh?

When I was on my way to look at the sports section, as I always do, I came across this little gem.

What this picture has anything to do with autistic children suffering is beyond me. I see a woman who forgot to brush her hair choking a woman who forgot to stop eating. I also see that girl from the Blair Witch project just kind of standing there with her back to the action... very awkwardly. To me, this is a hilarious picture. One in which I cant help but wonder why the photographer was there, that close, in the first place. So funny. Poor autistic kids.

Morning

I complain about a lot of things, this much is true. But to be quite honest, there are not many things that actually make me angry. Now I mean angry angry… like steaming red hot angry. Not the little piss pants you took the last of the nachos angry. I mean yeah, I bitch and moan, but rarely am I ever angry. Trust me, if I am, you will know it. But I will tell you what, nothing makes me angrier in this entire God forsaken world then waking up in the morning. 

This is not a recent thing either. I remember, vividly, when I was a child I used to throw punches at my mother when she tried to wake me for school. And I am not even exaggerating. I mean literal punches. She used to sing these songs in the morning that used to get under my skin so much that I risked physical harm on my own flesh and blood. That’s pretty screwed up now looking back on it.  She used to sing this song with lyrics that go…

“Good morning, good morning!
You slept the whole night through.
Good morning, good morning, to you!”

 She used to always sing this song about GI Joe that I don’t quite remember as well. But I mean every single day. I love my mother more than anything on this earth, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t care if you are the most beautiful woman on the earth… if you get in my face when I am just waking up it is going to be ugly. Speaking of, there is this woman at work in the mornings who INSISTS on getting in my face every day to tell me good morning. At this point I actually grunt at her like a caveman. That is how much I care. But this woman is nuts. It isn’t even just that. You walk past her in the hallway and it is like she HAS to make some sort of goofy noise at you. Yesterday I got quaked at like a duck… not even joking. I used to make some sort of goofy laugh trying to look like I was interested, but one can only get mooed at so many times. I simply ignore her now. She probably thinks I am a giant asshole… Oh wait I am. But I digress. 

It isn’t even just the whole getting up thing. Once you get up what are you supposed to do? Nothing is on in the morning besides Sports Center and Boy Meets World. I mean who the hell wants to watch Good Morning America… those cheerful fucks annoy the piss out of me. You know why they are that cheerful? I guarantee they have been up for, like, five freaking hours trying to brace themselves for whatever they have to do for that damn show. I guarantee they are like zombies when they wake up too. Not one person on this earth likes waking up in the morning.

 There is one single saving grace about mornings… breakfast. I can’t name one breakfast food that isn’t delicious. Not one signal item. Even the grossest of all, scrapple, is even delectable. If I were on death row and I was asked what meal I wanted as my last meal, if they could not get me a Mineos pizza from Squirrel Hill, I would ask for an assortment of delicious breakfast meats. Not even kidding. Sausage is delicious. Bacon is memorable. Ham is savory. Literally… you name anything in breakfast and my mouth waters. Pancakes? Turn on the waterworks. Eggs? Don’t even get me started. Bagels? Forget it.

But anyways... I hate mornings. I thought I would mention that.

Dude

It has been a while my friends. To be honest, most of my time has been spent either with my family, including my girlfriend, working out, or trying to find another God damned job. Once again I cant reiterate how hard it is to find a fucking job. Let me say this again… I HAVE A MASTERS DEGREE YOU IMBECILES! I DO NOT WANT PAID $50 AN HOUR BECAUSE OF IT. I JUST WANT A JOB THAT PAYS MORE THAN $11 PER HOUR AND, PREFERABLY, ONE I ACTUALLY ENJOY. Now, in the wise words of the one and only Christ Tucker, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? I have lost nearly 100 pounds, something people have struggled with for decades and decades, but I can’t find a damn job. I know some people, including my good friend Jared who have literally had 3 or 4 really nice full time jobs already. I consult him for help, even having him edit my resume, and you think it helped? Absolutely not. I can’t get a damn interview let alone land the big one. But, here I go… complaining about something that I APPARENTLY can’t control for, I don’t know, the 175^th time?

But like I always say, obladi oblada.

And as my continuing saga at this current job goes on more outlandishly, I have yet another story to tell. You remember about a year ago, I told a story about how we go yelled at for “horsing around”. I still have no idea what that means or how that phrase even came about. Then I got called into the office about 10 months ago for “being too relaxed”… whatever the hell that also means. How can someone be too relaxed? But this time it is much different. Over the past year, I have formed relationships with the people I talk to over the phone every single day, aka my customer base. With that said, I usually talk to them like I would my friends and family. I am very relaxed with them, as you know, and I can basically say whatever I want to them… or so I thought.

At this point you probably think I left an f bomb drop or even said a rude comment about their mother on the phone. But no… I did something much much worse. Think of literally the worst possible thing that could ever be said to a customer and then gasp. Because that is what was said. I am not exactly sure how or when it happened but APPARENTLY I said the word “Dude” on the telephone. ALERT THE PRESSES! CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD IN! How dare I say that God awful word. It is almost as bad as saying Vold…. I mean he who shall not be named. Blasphemy!

Not only do I not understand how any person could be offended by this word, I know for a fact that I would have never said it to someone who did not have a penis. I would never EVER say that to a woman, besides my girlfriend joking around of course. So it had to be an actual dude whom I said it to. With that in mind, I only talk to one “dude” on an frequent basis… and I am not really sure why that “dude” would be offended. He is on my level.

So why exactly is it so offensive? Besides the simple fact that it really isn’t, of course, there are many things to take into consideration here. For example… Bill and Ted were just two cool cats who wanted to pass a history test. Were they terrible people because they said “dude” every other word or so? I don’t think so. In fact, they were the epitome of cool for a while. 

You know what, this is stupid… There is literally not one thing offensive about the word “dude”. Literally, not one thing. I can’t even make shit up for it to be offensive. Now what IS offensive is when you get reprimanded for forming relationships with your customers. Although I really don’t agree with it, they say “customer service” creates new and repeat customers. That is bull… you know what creates new and repeat customers? A good product at a cheap price. If I call my favorite pizza place for a pie and they cuss me out left and right, call me a fatty for ordering a large for myself, and then make a comment about my mother, I don’t give a damn. The pizza is delicious and a good price for what you receive. If I call pizza hut and they have phone sex with me, I don’t give two shits because their pizza tastes like balls… with pepperoni. I am doing everything short of cupping these peoples balls and they are offended by the word “dude? Oi vey people… grow a spine.

I forgot to mention what their exact quote was about me saying the word “dude” to my customer. They stated “what, do you work at Billabong?” I actually laughed out loud at that statement and how outrageously absurd it was. So if I am doing my math right here, my coworkers now view me as a really relaxed surfer who works at Billabong and likes to play limbo in chairs on their free time. Now that is the definition of “dude” if I have ever heard one. Thanks bra. That is a touching view of my appearance and demeanor. Because to be honest, I look more like a neo nazi than a freaking hippie. So I guess I should be grateful they think I am a stoner.